Mobile Suit Gundam: Gran Tomino
by The Sage of Toads
Summary: The Sage of Toads decided to write a UC Gundam fic. God help us all.
1. Baked Space Potato

Disclaimer: This is a non-profit fan-based parody. Mobile Suit Gundam belongs to everyone but Yoshiyuki Tomino now. We asked, he doesn't want it anymore.

**Mobile Suit Gundam: Gran Tomino**  
Baked Space Potato

_The Gundam has already risen, move along now._

**[One.]**

It is the year Double-Oh-Seven-Nine of the Universal Century–or Twenty-One Fifty-Nine by the Common Era purists out there. A half century has passed since the Earth moved its burgeoning population into gigantic orbiting space colonies. A new home for mankind, where people are born and raised… and die spectacularly.

Twenty years prior, the cluster of colonies furthest from the Earth, called Side Three, proclaimed itself the Principality of Zeon… and didn't do much else. Literally nothing happened; in fact the governing body of Earth found this rather quaint. Much in the same vein as a family smiling and nodding when their toddler or elderly uncle declared themselves the king and/or queen of cheese, the Earth enabled the republic to experiment with self rule in the cold vacuum of space.

Then the Zabi family took over around Double-Oh-Six-Eight, and everything took a turn for the bad. Ten years later, the Principality of Zeon launched a war of independence against the Earth Federation. Initial fighting lasted one month with Zeon exacting massive tolls of human life in their genocidal attacks on the Earth Federation. People were horrified by the indescribable atrocities that had been committed in the name of independence… but most of them ended up being killed anyway.

Eight months have passed since the fighting began, they are at a stalemate.

Luna Two, the Earth Federation Space Force's sole remaining foothold in space in an orbit position opposite of the Moon, was the unlikeliest place to keep a space fortress. However, its disadvantageous position relative to Side Three turned out to be a blessing, as the Zeon lacked the ability to reach the distant space fortress en masse with the same ease it reached and attacked every other Federation asset in the Earth Sphere–including the Earth itself.

With the Federation focused on driving the Zeon and their army of giant robots off the surface of the Earth, and Zeon focused on trying to crush the Federation with their army of giant robots, things were rather quiet in the "Ol' Space Potato"–as it was affectionately known to those who served in it. Rather, it _was_quiet until the Federation's newest battleship showed up with a boatload of refugees and several very important prototype weapons after they absconded from the nearby half-complete colony where they were all supposed to be held in secret.

Commodore Wolfgang "Gene" Wakkein, the man in charge of Luna Two was quite exasperated by this unexpected arrival and the massive breaches of security, so he did what any commanding officer stuck in a situation he wasn't prepared to deal with did: He detained everyone aboard the ship and tried to get to work sorting everything out.

"No, no, that can't be right."

Wakkein looked to the pretty red-haired Sergeant, his assistant, who was reading the records of one of the witnesses he was about to interview. The two were walking towards the hastily prepared interrogation room where he sat. "What is it, Sergeant Takizawa?"

The twenty year old looked up from the tablet PC she was examining the records of their witness. "Apparently this is Professor Tem Ray's son, but…"

Wakkein looked genuinely surprised… and a little horrified. "Wait. You're telling me that, somehow, Tem Ray successfully reproduced?"

"It's what it says. Amuro 'Grand Slam' Ray: also known as 'The Red Haired Bandit', also known as 'The Spokane Firebug', also known as 'The Hero of Vancouver', also known as 'Tater Salad', also known as… 'Baron Samedi'?"

Wakkein looked at the tablet. "… Baron Samedi?"

Takizawa nodded. "It's what it says." She continued. "Age fifteen, height one hundred sixty eight centimeters, likes long walks on the beach, taking apart machinery, marathon sex sessions, and his Live Gamer Tag is Zero-sen."

"Wait, what?"

A long silence followed, and Wakkein looked again as Takizawa's face colored when she realized what she had said. Wakkein hummed. "Well, I guess that second to last one would explain how we found him."

He placed his hand over the keypad to the door, after returning the salutes of the guards standing by it. "Let's get this over with."

With a hydraulic hiss, the door opened and Wakkein and his assistant entered to find a somewhat unassuming young man with curly reddish-brown hair sitting at a table complete with the usual interrogation spread: A tape recorder, a container with several pencils, a pad of paper, and a pitcher of ice cold lemonade and a half full glass.

He looked up at Wakkein and Takizawa, and waved with his shackled hands. "Hi."

Wakkein coughed and cleared his throat. "So… Baron Samedi…?"

Amuro Ray's eyes widened briefly, and he glared at him. "Never call me that again."

"Right…" Wakkein sat down across from Amuro and folded his hands on the table. "According to Ensign Bright Noa, you were the one who was piloting the Gundam during the attack on Side Seven."

"Yes, I was in it when you personally came to arrest me," Amuro replied with a hint of annoyance.

Wakkein reached up and pulled down the bill over his hat over his eyes briefly. "Yes. Yes you were. Now then can you tell me-?"

"I didn't get to finish," Amuro pointed out.

Wakkein lifted his hat up. "Tell me what happened at Side Seven!"

"Bright told you, didn't he?"

"Yes, but to confirm the veracity of his account, we have to interview others involved in the incident and you were the one who decided to take our three billion dollar prototype for a spin." Wakkein emphasized the monetary value specifically, but Amuro reacted to this with indifference.

"A spin, huh? My home gets attacked by Zeon, Zakus are blowing the shit out of innocent people trying to flee for safety and y'all think I thought that it was a perfect time to jump into the giant robot sitting out in the open and take it for a joyride."

Wakkein sighed and gestured emphatically. "No, I'm not saying that."

"You implied I jumped into the Gundam with intentions other than stopping the attack," Amuro argued.

Before Wakkein could deny this, Takizawa pointed out, "You somewhat did, sir."

"The point is!" Wakkein glared at Takizawa briefly before looking back to Amuro. "You can tell us more about what happened, so we can start sorting this out."

Amuro drank his glass of lemonade, and then began pouring himself some more. "My friend Frau Bow and I were on our way to the shelter, when my Dad called me over to the Gundam. He gave me the operation manual and told me to go 'kill those Zeon sons of bitches'. So I did."

Wakkein gaped at Amuro. "Your father gave you the Gundam."

"Yes, it was good that he called us over when he did. If we'd kept going, we would've been blown to bits by the Zaku shooting everywhere like an idiot."

He gripped the glass as he took a drink from it, openly seething with contempt. Wakkein just sighed, while Takizawa regarded the boy with a look of honest sympathy. Amuro noted her gaze, and his harsh expression softened as he lowered his glass back on the table.

"Alright, why did your Father give you the Gundam?" Wakkein asked.

"I imagine it was partly because by that point the majority of all would-be pilots were either dead or dying or realizing that they were going to be dead or dying in the immediate future. Mainly though, I knew the Gundam as well as Dad did, so if anyone was going to pilot it, why not me?"

"Why not your father?"

"Because Dad figured I would be safest in the Gundam, and what do you know, he was right? Shocking!"

So Tem Ray wanted to save his son, interesting. "What happened to Tem?"

"He said he was going to let himself be captured by the Zeon so he could fuck them up from the inside," Amuro explained.

Wakkein stared blankly at Amuro.

"Yeah, it's what he said."

Wakkein closed his eyes and sighed, wondering to himself how desperate the Federation was if they honestly placed the task of building their war-winning weapon in the hands of an unstable man like Tem Ray. In all likelihood, the man was dead, but the kid was already under a lot of stress and was cooperating… so he wasn't going to follow this line of conversation.

"Alright, post battle. What happened afterward and what did Bright tell you?" Amuro was exchanging glances with Takizawa as Wakkein spoke. "Ahem."

Amuro returned his attention to the Commodore. "Well, after I beat the Zeon forces and captured one of their Zakus-."

Wakkein was surprised. "Wait, you captured a Zaku?"

"Yeah, I punched the cockpit until the pilot had the consistency of hamburger, but I caught a Zaku intact, I'm thinking about repairing it; it'll be something to keep me preoccupied." Amuro paused. "But I digress, after I brought the Zaku aboard the ship, Bright congratulated me and said he owed me a beer for being a good sport about all of this."

That matched up, though Captain Cassius, the man in command of the White Base was still in emergency surgery so he couldn't get a testimony from him just yet. "And afterward the White Base left for Luna Two."

"Yeah, I fought the Red Comet himself along the way and managed to drive him off. Though it wasn't too bad, now if it was the Crimson Lightning…"

"Right." Wakkein didn't want to hear it, besides he was pretty sure it was more the Gundam than the kid that made dealing with the Red Comet easy. "That'll be all for now."

The Public Address speaker in the room clicked on with a bit of feedback static, and a male officer's voice spoke. "Commodore Wakkein you are wanted in the sickbay, Captain Cassius has just left emergency surgery and is in recovery."

Wakkein got up. "Right on time, too. Sergeant Takizawa, see Amuro back to confinement with the others. I'll be going on ahead." He looked to Amuro. "Don't cause me anymore trouble, alright? We'll be getting you and your friends someplace safe before you know it."

"I wouldn't dream of it," Amuro said before Wakkein quietly departed the interrogation room. Soon as the door closed, he looked over to Sergeant Takizawa, who smiled politely to him and stepped over to unlock his shackles.

"So," He said as she inserted the key and popped the cuffs, "I didn't get to finish."

The young woman looked up at him, and her brows rose. "Hm?"

Amuro smiled to her. "Want to help?"

* * *

About twenty minutes later, a roughed up and bruised Amuro was thrown into the detention block cell he shared with several other young gentlemen, one of them being the aforementioned Ensign Bright Noa, a stoic-looking young man of nineteen years who already looked like he'd dealt with enough dumb shit to last two lifetimes. The other two, a pair of Hispanic youths by the names of Ryu Jose and Kai Shiden–why they had Japanese names was anyone's guess–quickly got up to attend to their fallen comrade.

"Jesus Amuro, what happened?" The stocky, built like a tank and could probably punch one in half Ryu asked the beaten young man.

"Knowing him, he probably tried to be a smartass to the Warden and got his ass handed to him," Kai, tall and lanky and with a perpetual ne'er-do-well look about him, taunted.

Bright stood up, the black-haired Englishman narrowed his eyes. "Did he try to beat anything out of you?" He asked with a noticeably absent accent.

"First off Kai, go fuck yourself." Amuro got up and rubbed his neck. "Second off, no Bright, Wakkein didn't try to beat anything out of me. He did this when he came back after talking to the Captain."

Bright stopped, and then sighed. "What did you do?"

Amuro smiled. "His assistant."

Bright's eyes widened, and after a moment of contemplation nodded and he became less stoic. "Well! That's two beers I owe you."

"So, now what happens?" Amuro asked as he sat down on the bench.

Bright sat down with him. "Well, for now we wait for Char to come attack us so I can rub in Wakkein's face what he said about Char being too pussy to try to attack Luna Two to get at the White Base."

"And if Char doesn't attack?" Amuro asked.

"Oh he definitely will attack, trust me," Bright assured him. "Now, did the carpet match the drapes on Takizawa?"

Amuro smirked. "I couldn't tell, there was no carpet."

"Nice."

**[Eye Catch]**

Char Aznavel, the legendary Red Comet, the mysterious masked man who sank five Magellan-class Battleships at the cataclysmic Battle of Loum eight months prior, was rather amused at the current predicament he'd swashbuckled his way into. Despite the arrival of a highly valuable (and highly visible) ship like the recently codenamed "Trojan Horse" the security of Luna Two appeared as relaxed as it had ever been.

It told him that the person in charge of this base was a prudent man who saw things rather realistically. Char was only one man leading a force that comprised of a single Musai-class cruiser that only had–after their most recent romp with the Gundam–three Zakus to work with including his own. Realistically, a man with Char's experience would think twice about launching an operation with so little at his disposal, attacking Luna Two with such a small force was extremely dangerous.

Unfortunately for the man in charge of Luna Two, Char Aznavel grew up watching Darkwing Duck.

"Let's get dangerous."

"Uh, what sir?"

Char, looked to the man at his right, one of the commando team he was leading on this daring raid of the asteroid base, and realized that the com of his fabulously salmon-colored normal suit was still on. Sighing, he shook his head and turned his head to survey the craggy surface of the mining asteroid-turned-fortress. The gun ports, the fighter launch bays, and and the main entrance had all been lined with explosives and now it was just a matter of setting it all off and causing all sorts of havoc.

"I was just thinking of the one-liner to use when I set off the explosions," He explained to his subordinate.

"Oh, how about 'Time to bake this space potato', Lieutenant?" The commando suggested.

The silence that followed was almost as awkward as that time one of the techs had tried to make a smoothie with a Zaku's turbopump. Though far less messy.

"Space yourself," Char said to the subordinate. At his horrified expression, he smiled. "Nah, I'm just messing with you. That was actually pretty good!"

The subordinate smiled, the tension leaving his shoulders. "Thank you sir!"

Char then stood up. "Alright, time to bake this space potato… bitch!" He hit the detonator, and all hell quickly broke loose all around Luna Two as good portions of it were lit up by small explosions. These small explosions were only the start as secondary and much larger explosions followed as fuel lines and temperamental batteries were ignited, until the entire asteroid was burning in space thanks to the oxygen spewing out of the breaches torn open by the force of the blasts.

* * *

"Fraternizing with a civilian, a civilian in detainment no less, Sergeant! Do you have any idea the kind of penalties that is going to incur? What were you thinking!" Wakkein lividly shouted at soon to be Corporal (if she was lucky) Takizawa in the main control center of the base. He wasn't one for public dress downs, but this was unprecedented.

"He was very persuasive." It was really all she could say, because it was pretty much true.

It was then that the explosions caused Luna Two to shudder violently, causing everyone to suddenly fly into the walls adjacent to them and start floating in microgravity. Floating away from the wall, his hat flipping through the air above his head, Wakkein narrowed his eyes before he reached up to grab it. "What was that?"

As the various bridge bunnies of the control center began calling out the rapidly growing list of shit going wrong in the supposedly impenetrable fortress, a call came up on the emergency line. Sergeant (for now) Takizawa picked up the phone and answered it. "Yes? Oh, Ensign, sir… yes? Yes? Oh, I'll tell him."

She looked to Wakkein, her face the picture of professionalism. "Ensign Noa says it was Char, the Zeon are attacking Luna Two to get their hands on the Gundam like he said they would, and he wanted me to add 'Now go kindly eat a dick, Commodore'." She raised her hand in a salute. "Your orders, sir?"

Wakkein put his hat on, and tried his best to allay his frayed nerves. "Bring me Bright Noa's dick roasted over an open fire, but after you launch the Magellan!"

Down in the brig, Amuro was impressed. "Wow, remind me to never bet against you on anything."

"Damn right," Bright replied smugly. "Now let's get out of here. Ryu, get the door."

"You got it, jefe." Ryu said as he headed over to the door and began kicking it with all his might, bracing himself against the frame. As the heavy metal door began to give rapidly under the brawny man's assault, Kai piped up.

"So, how'd you figure Char would attack the base anyway?"

"Oh, I don't know. This is the guy who took on five Magellean-class by himself and walked away without a scratch, decided on a lark to swoop in on foot personally to do recon in a hangar full of armed Federation soldiers back at Side Seven, and wears pink and doesn't give a damn."

"So he's either insane, has balls big enough to change the orbit of a colony, or both?" Kai asked.

"I'm betting both."

"My money's in with Bright!" Amuro declared.

"Hey, the door's locks were open because the power went out. But since I bent it already, I figured I'd go all in." Ryu had successfully kicked the door… in half.

"Sheesh, talk about the lowest bidder," Kai said.

"They make the doors themselves," Bright said.

"Well that's even _more _depressing…"

Amuro stuck his head out the door. "Alright, let's find Mirai and Sayla and get the hell out of this baking space potato."

Bright calmly stepped out and walked over to the adjacent door. Then, mimicking great effort, he wrenched the door open, revealing a pair of lovely young women. A beautiful Asian brunette Bright's age who looked quite relieved to see him, and a slightly younger, stunning blonde who was even happier to see Amuro peeking around their savior.

"That wasn't so hard." Bright said before he looked to them. "Ladies, your heroes have arrived."

"Bright!" Mirai Yashima cheerfully called as she got up and floated over to him.

"Amuro!" Sayla Mass nearly knocked both aside as she flew out and hugged the man they called Tater Salad. Amuro and Sayla spun about in the free fall, nearly slamming into the bulkhead. Glomping in zero-gee was best left to professionals, they both decided.

"Miss me?" Amuro asked.

Sayla smiled. "Tons."

"Ladies, Gentlemen, Kai," Bright said.

"Fuck you, man!"

Bright turned and gestured for the others to follow. "Let's get the hell out of here."

As the Noa party left the brig of Luna Two, in the main docking bay their destination, the Pegasus-class Mobile Carrier White Base–the Federation's newest warship and major plot device of this story–was still in lockdown even as the rest of the base prepared for battle. Inside the hangar of the ship, fifteen year old Frau Bow, a strangely named young woman of no German descent at all approached the highest-ranked of the handful of Federation soldiers guarding the numerous civilians on board at gunpoint.

"The Zeon are attacking the base, aren't you going to do something? Take us civilians to safety? Anything?"

The officer in question looked down at Frau Bow, and the three adorable children that followed her like a group of ducklings behind their momma. Reaching up with the hand not clutching his assault rifle, he adjusted his helmet. "No can do, Miss. We don't have orders from the Commodore."

"Then ask the Commodore for orders!" Frau shouted. "At the very least, make a judgement call!"

"I'm not paid enough to do that, ma'am," The soldier replied.

"Was that your excuse for losing at Loum, you jerk?"

The soldier took offense to that. "Hey, I lost friends there!"

Another rumbling began shaking the ship, and Frau ran over to a window to she one of the ships moving, the flagship of the fleet stationed at Luna Two and the lead ship of her class, the Magellan. Seeing the green-painted big-gun battleship moving as well, the soldier smirked. "See that? The Magellan's already sortieing. The Commodore's got this under control."

Frau stared blankly out the porthole. "The Magellan is going out there."

The soldier nodded. "Yep."

"The same Magellan that Char Aznavel destroyed five of in a single battle." Frau emphasized as the ship fell out of the porthole's field of view and began exiting the docking bay for open space.

The soldier grew indignant. "We weren't ready for them then but we are now! Besides, that's the invincible Magellan, it's survived many encounters with the Zeon and came out unscathed every time!"

Outside the asteroid, Char looked to his cronies. "Hey guys, any ideas for a one-liner this time? Make it quick!"

"Uh… it's time to blow this… space… Popsicle stand?" Suggested the same subordinate from before.

"Space yourself," Char immediately commanded. "Nah, just kidding, but that was terrible. Anyone else?"

"Ooh, ooh, I got one! Hey Magellan, you're not making it home this time, either!" Another suggested.

"Topical and educational, I like that." Char held up a second detonator. "Hey Magellan, you're not making it home this time either… bitch!"

The ensuing explosions shook Luna Two again, and the groaning and screeching of steel on steel action sounded even inside the White Base. The soldier Frau had been arguing with looked around in surprise. "W-what was that?"

"That would be the Commodore 'having this' I think," Frau answered.

A voice called out from above, "Ride the Lightning motherfuckers!"

Much to Frau's shock, Amuro suddenly landed with a kick to the guard's head, knocking him out. Springing through the air, Amuro twisted his body and kicked a second soldier in the head. "And one for you!"

Bright and Ryu quickly fell upon the remaining soldiers, incapacitating them as Amuro sprung back over and landed with Frau. "How you doing?"

"Amuro!" Frau quickly hugged him.

"Was all this violence really necessary?" Kai demanded.

"Probably not, but this is an emergency breakout and there are quotas to fill in this sort of thing," Bright replied before dishing out the orders. "Amuro, get the Gundam free from impound, everyone else to the bridge."

* * *

Out in space, the Musai-class cruiser Falmel approached the "brewing up" asteroid. In front of it, two examples of Zeon's prized giant robots, the MS-Oh-Six-F Zaku Two, rapidly approached on the flanks of a bright pink and red MS-Oh-Six-S Zaku Two Commander Type piloted by the Red Comet himself. The brightly colored machine was otherwise identical to its green on green wingmates, but it was what was inside that counted–the Commander Type was thirty percent faster than the standard F-Type.

"Man, look at it go," The pilot of the Zaku at Char's left said as another explosion flashed from the asteroid. "It really looks like a baked potato."

Char realized then how hungry he was.

The Zaku pilot at his right was eager to get to action. "Capturing the Trojan Horse and the Gundam's going to be a piece of cake!"

Cake would be great. Strawberry cake, with red frosting. "God, I'm hungry."

"Sir?" Lefty asked.

Char realized that he really needed to keep tab on the com. "Nothing. Now remember, both of you, our objective is to capture or destroy the Trojan Horse and the Gundam. Try not to die like the last handful of pilots."

Righty laughed. "Oh come on, I won't fall for their tricks. You know what they say sir, fool me once, shame on you, but fool me twice, shame on the glaring political schism of the Zabi family!"

"Amen, brother," Char replied.

Honestly, Bright would be taking better care to acknowledge the gravity of the situation, were it not so satisfying to see the Magellan heavily damaged and wedged into the main entrance of Luna Two. He called it, like a God-Damned psychic, but did Wakkein listen? Of course not, Bright was just some rookie Ensign who couldn't possibly know anything at all.

"Schadenfreude," Mirai said.

Bright looked down from the Captain's seat to Mirai, who was seated at the helm of the White Base. "Excuse me?"

"Nothing, sir, it just came to mind randomly," Mirai replied as she continued her flight check.

Sayla was sitting at the communications console, communicating with Amuro. "So what happened to your face, did you get beat up while they were interrogating you?"

"A little, can you come kiss it better?" Amuro asked.

"Come back alive and I'll kiss anywhere you like."

Amuro's eyes went wide. "I'm holding you to that."

Commodore Wakkein then barged in on the channel. "Bright Noa, what the hell are you doing?"

"Commodore, I'm so relieved to see you're safe," Bright said as one of the many launches leaving the stricken Magellan came up alongside the White Base. "So, how was that dick I told you to eat?"

"All I need is you, a knife, and a blowtorch and you'll find out in the worst way, Ensign."

"No, I'm not going to watch you eat your own dick, sir," Bright protested.

Wakkein's face turned purple, and not because of sudden explosive decompression. "I'm coming aboard to put a bullet through your skull!"

"Can that wait for until after we've stopped the Zeon attack?" Bright asked.

"No, I'm coming aboard, shooting you, shooting that brat in the Gundam, and whoever the hell he was plowing in the Gundam's cockpit before!"

Sayla recoiled. "H-hey!"

"Calm down, all of you! Can't you see we're in a life or death situation?" Mirai was acknowledging the gravity of the moment.

"I'm going to shoot you, too, if you don't shut your whore mouth!" Wakkein had lost his composure.

So did Mirai, as she got up, pulled a pistol from the console, and headed for the exit. "Alright, let's do this."

Miraculously, a voice of reason spoke up. "Commodore Wakkein, Ensign Noa, that will be quite enough!"

"Oh thank God," Sayla sighed as Captain Paolo Cassius, the incapacitated captain of the White Base, phoned in from Luna Two's sickbay recovery room. "Someone with actual authority."

"Look at the two of you, bickering like children when there's a war going on and people are dying! Bright, Wakkein may be a bit of a tool but he's only doing the best he can in these circumstances, he made a poor judgement call underestimating Char and he'll have to live with it. One day, you will do the same, and have to live with it as well."

Bright grimaced, and then looked away. "Sir."

"Wakkein," Cassius then turned his ire onto the Commodore, "Bright may be a bit of an asshole, but he and the crew of this ship have experienced enough fighting Char over these last few days to know what they're up against and what they can do. Right now, they're the only ones who can stop Char's attack, so trust them to resolve this matter!"

Wakkein stared at Cassius, and then relented. "Yes sir, but someone has to answer to Jaburo for this."

"I will, it was my orders that landed those kids in their situation, I will take all responsibility," Cassius responded with a heavy sadness to his voice.

Wakkein cooled off. "I see, yes sir."

"Wow, there's a man," Mirai said.

"Captain…" Bright was trying not to burst into tears.

Cassius nodded. "Well, what are you waiting for, boys? Go kill those Zeon sons of bitches!"

Fire burned in Wakkein's and Bright's eyes, as they both clenched their fists and nodded. "YES SIR!"

"Sir the Musai is rapidly approaching Luna Two head on!" One of the bridge bunnies whose name escapes the author called from their position suspended above Bright.

"There are three Zakus in front, one of them is Char's!" The second announced with great urgency.

It's a good thing he made it so easy to spot him. "Alright here's the plan. Who knows how a fusion cannon works?" Bright's question was met with silence all around. "Well it's time for me to science you guys. Mirai, ramp up the Minovsky Craft System to full power! Gunnery Officer, prepare the Mega Particle Cannon. Amuro, get out there and make sure our Zeon friends hang out around the front of Luna Two's entrance!"

Amuro replied, "Is this a suicide mission?"

"When has it not been one?"

"Roger, Gundam heading out!"

Bright then turned his head to see Wakkein and Sergeant Takizawa enter the bridge. "Wakkein, I have to blow up the Magellan."

"Eh, it's blocking the entrance either way. I just hope whatever you have planned doesn't kill us all," Wakkein responded.

Bright cracked his knuckles. "It might."

The catapult doors of the White Base opened, casting a growing light over Amuro as he sat in the darkened cockpit of the most powerful weapon yet constructed by the Federation, the RX-Seventy-Eight-Dash-2 Gundam. Frankly, he wasn't entirely sure about the idea of him going out there and fighting while Bright had some crazy plan in the works. But, he trusted the lieutenant so far and hadn't suffered for it, so why the hell not?

"Amuro Ray, launching!"

Outside, and rapidly approaching the asteroid, Char frowned. "Wait a minute, is that…?"

White limbs, blue and red torso, glowing yellow eyes that saw into the soul of men and machine alike, ah yeah, it was shooting at them too. Oh, at least it had that useless bazooka instead of that terrifying beam rifle. "Alright guys, here comes the Gundam; remember to spread out and attack it while I keep its attention!"

"Yes Lieutenant!" Lefty and Righty shouted back.

Like a ballerina wearing thousands of pounds of powered armor forged by the Adeptus Mechanicus, Char's Zaku easily dodged the missiles fired from the Gundam's Hyper Bazooka. Char smirked. "Using that same useless weapon as before?"

"Dude, you have to seriously do something about that radio!" Amuro shouted back.

Char gave pause. "Damn it."

He opened fire with his one hundred-twenty millimeter machine gun, the rounds pelting against the Gundam's armor in complete violation of physics. Dodging the rest of the burst, Amuro fired again at Char, who dodged the rocket ninja fast.

"Why is a bright pink mobile suit floating in the dead of space so hard to hit?" Amuro complained.

"It's red, asshole!" Char said as he fired at the top of the Gundam's head and shoulders.

"In what world? It's pink dude, salmon! The same shade as the women's uniforms in the Federation!" Amuro blocked the rounds with the Gundam's bright red shield. "See the shield? This is red! You are pink!"

"Don't get technical on me you little jackass!" Char kicked the Gundam, sending it flying.

"You're a bitch! A bitch!" Amuro yelled as he was thrown forward into his seat.

Aboard the White Base, Sayla was trying her best to ignore the back and forth between the two, even though Amuro was right. "He's _really _got to do something about that radio."

"How long until you're going to fire that thing, Ensign?" Wakkein asked Bright.

"Let the Zeon get closer," Bright replied.

One of those two bridge bunnies called down. "Um, Amuro's getting his ass kicked out there."

"He'll be fine."

"Sure doesn't look it, I mean, it's three on one out there, straight up gangbang."

"All holes filled, man," The other bridge bunny added.

"It's just like in my fanfiction," Mirai noted.

Bright folded his hands on his lap. "You're terrible at counting, it's only two on one."

The bridge bunny blinked in confusion. "What?"

Bazooka destroyed, shield sliced through, Amuro was in trouble as he dodged a hatchet wielding pink Zaku much in the same way he dodged an angry Ms. Bow after she caught him in Frau's room that one time.

"Man, we didn't even do anything," Amuro complained to himself of the incident when he thought about it.

"What are you talking about?" Char said as he used some fancy maneuvers to try to attack his side with the brightly glowing heat hawk.

Amuro drew one of the Gundam's deadlier weapons, the beam saber, and parried the strike. "I was thinking about when I almost banged your mom the night before last!"

"Almost banged?" Char asked as Lefty brought his Zaku around to attack the Gundam's back.

"I got him, Lieutenant!" These would go down as famous last words.

Amuro drew the Gundam's second backpack mounted beam saber, ignited it and stabbed Lefty's Zaku without so much as glancing back. "Yeah, I wasn't interested in your sloppy seconds!"

"Oh you are gonna get it!" Char yelled, and even with two beam sabers, Amuro was surprised at how much better Char was at melee combat. Relative velocities be damned, he was a _monster._

"Lieutenant, Lefty's dead!" Righty shouted.

"I've got the Gundam, go with the Falmel to Luna Two and capture the Trojan Horse!" Char angrily yelled as he introduced the Gundam's cockpit block to the sole of his Zaku's foot for the nth time.

"Huh, what do you know, now it's one on one." Bright said as the remaining non-pink Zaku approached with the Falmel in tow.

The bridge bunny concerned about the proximity of Amuro's ass in relation to Char's boot called down to the Ensign. "Are you a wizard?"

"I'm _The _Wizard, and for my next trick I'm going to make a bunch of assholes disappear." Bright stood up and pointed straight ahead fabulously. "FIRE AT THE MAGELLAN!"

Just beneath the bridge of the White Base, the twin barrels of the large Mega Particle Cannon turret situated on a retractable elevator began to glow, before they spewed bright fuchsia straight into the hull of the Magellan, destroying the damaged ship's Minovsky-Type fusion reactor. Due to the laws of Minovsky physics, the interaction of high energy plasmas within and without the reactor not explainable without a math PhD (or a smug sense of superiority on an Internet forum) resulted in what is commonly called an uncontrollable nuclear and thermal reaction-Better known as an explosion.

From just outside the asteroid, Righty found himself shielding his eyes from the bright lights shining from the entrance to the asteroid base. "What the…?"

Instantly the Zaku was vaporized by the thermonuclear explosion funneled through the base's entrance and went on to burn away the starboard-most portion of the Musai-class's engine block. The imbalance of thrust caused the ship to point towards the right, exposing most of its bow to the rest of the blast as it passed like a freight train, heavily damaging the ship further.

Char looked out towards the damaged Musai, and then towards the Gundam rushing towards his Zaku with both beam sabers ready. "Well, it would appear I've been screwed."

"And now you will be skewered!" Amuro declared before both beam sabers cut out on him, leaving only the glowing hilts to dent the Zaku's armor. "Crap."

Char kicked the Gundam in the head, and then blasted away. "This isn't over, Gundam!"

"You're running away, that's pretty much the definition of over!"

"Shut the fuck up! Dren, if you can, make best speed out of here. If we lose the Falmel now, we're all fucked!" Char yelled as the damaged Musai managed to correct its turn and blasted off into the darkness of space.

Cheers broke out aboard the White Base, as Bright folded his arms and smirked. "And that, kids, is how you counterattack Char."

Wakkein pulled a grimace, but he had to give props where it was due. "Alright, you destroyed a Federation battleship, damaged every other ship in the docking bay, and reduced the entrance of the base to a tube of molten slag… but you did good."

"Send the bill to Captain Cassius." Bright looked over towards the monitors at Sayla's station. "How was that, Captain?"

A long, continuous tone sounded in the bridge, coming from the speakers. It took everyone a minute to realize that it was the sound of an EKG monitor flat-lining. Sayla looked back towards Bright and Wakkein. "Guys, I think the Captain's dead."

The bridge became quiet again, except for that continuous tone, until finally Sayla awkwardly turned down the volume. Bright buried his face in his palm.

"… Fuck."

* * *

A/N: A Gundam fanfic, but it's not N Gundam? I apologize, I haven't gotten around to that yet, my muse is a fickle bitch. In the meanwhile, have yourself some Gundam Crack Cocaine.


	2. Roast Space Crown

Disclaimer: This is a non-profit fan-based parody. Mobile Suit Gundam belongs to Sunrise and no matter what they do to it, you will buy it.

**Mobile Suit Gundam: Gran Tomino**  
Roast Space Crown

_Toasty!_

**[II.]**

As the White Base left Luna II in the direction of the Earth, escorted by a lone Federation space cruiser, Bright Noa was not in a good mood. The original captain of the White Base, the man who mentored him, was dead and now decomposing in a space capsule hurtling haphazardly through the void, leaving him in charge of a bunch of kids who didn't deserve to be going through this but were really good sports about it and took to their foisted upon duties rather well. Worst of all, though, he had to listen to the world's _worst _rendition of Amazing Grace on bagpipes ever performed for living beings.

"Mirai, never touch another set of bagpipes ever again," He warned the helmswoman of the White Base, who looked as ashamed for what she did as she was sad for their loss.

"I used to play them so well, honest!"

Bright held up his hand towards her, while refusing to even look in her direction. "Just… no… never again."

Amuro Ray wasn't having such a great day either. While he wasn't emotionally attached towards the late captain by any measure, Bright was a bro and when a bro was grieving all bros had to show solidarity. Furthermore, there was the Gundam, for all of its power, getting its ass handed to it once more by Char and that when he came back Sayla handed his ass to him after finding out what he did with Sergeant Takizawa in the interrogation room.

"She acts like we were dating!" Amuro complained to neighbor and now squadmate Hayato Kobayashi as the two worked on repairing the Gundam, following Amuro's instructions out of that handy-dandy manual.

Hayato, a youth of fourteen years who frequently went by the nickname "bitch boy" from Kai on account of a waifish appearance and a soft-spoken nature (and held a deeply seething resentment towards him as a result), looked up at Amuro. "Aren't you, though?"

"Well, we've been messing around for like the last few months, but we've never really been serious!" Amuro complained.

Hayato stared at the eccentric young man. "Um, don't you think that maybe Sayla is attached to you in more ways than at the genitals?"

Amuro groaned. "I was never good at dating, or actually keeping a girlfriend. It's part of why I had to leave Earth with my Dad."

"What was the other part?"

"I burned down half a city, but I had good reason to."

Hayato was going to pretend he didn't hear that. "Pass the wrench."

The person having the least great day had to be Char Aznavel, who was nursing a wrecked Musai towards the Earth to rendezvous with a Zeon supply fleet already on its way to drop goods to Earth. His ship, the Falmel, was a few dollars short of becoming a total write off, he'd lost five Zakus and their far more valuable pilots to a bunch of meddling kids and their stupid mobile suit.

"Here I am, Old Man Jenkins under the mask…"

"God, what was that, Char?" Dren, Char's much suffering second in command respected his superior officer for his cunning, his MS skills, and his ability to pull pop-culture references out of thin air. However, what Dren could not tolerate was Char's psychopathic episodes or his insistence at doing everything as confoundedly insane and dangerous as possible. The man could not go to the head and take a piss without killing at least one man nowadays!

"Nothing, I'm just in a poor mood after the failure of the last operation."

"If it's any consolation, Lieutenant, we didn't count on whoever was in charge over there to be completely insane." Turn a ship docking bay into a makeshift fusion cannon, whoever pulled that off had to be a wizard!

Were Char less genre savvy, he'd wonder how today could get any worse. However, he already knew it was going to, because Admiral Dozle hadn't called yet. Sure enough, there was a transmission from the communications station of the Falmel's bridge that Dren immediately reported.

"Lieutenant, it's the Admiral."

Char wished he could pinch the bridge of his nose without compromising his identity. "Main screen turn on."

The main screen did turn on, and there stood a damn near seven foot tall mountain of a battle-scarred man. He looked like the kind of guy you'd see in some Super Robot anime except with a green skin tone and an eye patch, or in some post-apocalyptic martial arts story except with a mohawk and no sense of human dignity whatsoever. But as it was, this was the admiral of the larger of Zeon's many great battle fleets, and one of its top rulers… Dozle Zabi.

"Char, what is your report?" Dozle asked.

"SNAFU, sir," Char replied.

"At least you're honest. What happened this time?"

Char sighed. "Well, when Gadem came to resupply me, the Trojan Horse and its white mobile suit attacked. We were able to offload the Zakus, but the supply ship was destroyed and Gadem was KIA."

Dozle was surprised. "Gadem was killed? He was so close to upgrading to the new Pazock-class, it was his last cruise aboard that old ship."

"Retirony is a bitch, sir."

"Continue."

"The Trojan Horse managed to make it to Luna II, and I executed a daring raid with the intention of capturing it and the entire asteroid base."

"Given that you're SNAFU, I presume you failed spectacularly."

"Oh you have no idea, Admiral. Someone on that ship was either stupid or insane enough to blow up the ship I had blocked the harbor entrance with, turning the asteroid into a makeshift beam cannon that vaporized Righty and severely damaged the Falmel."

Dozel's ogre-like face twisted in disbelief. "They did _what_?"

"I already uploaded the video to Youtube, Admiral, check my channel."

"Righty KIA, I can't believe it!" Dozle stopped. "Wait, how's Lefty taking it? The two of them were good friends."

"He's taking it about as well as a mostly incinerated corpse would, Admiral," Char replied.

"Damn it, man! How many more soldiers are you going to lose?"

"As many as necessary until final victory is achieved, sir!" Char responded forcefully.

Dozle gave pause again, and narrowed his eyes. "Good answer. Now then, I'm sending you three more Zakus, they're for my brother Garma down in North America. However, provided they aren't completely destroyed by your incredible run of bad luck, you may use them in operation against the Trojan Horse."

"Sir you're too generous, thank you. Might I ask why you haven't ripped off my head and defecated down my neck?" Char asked.

"Ah, you see…" Dozle then underwent a nightmarish transformation. He smiled brightly, his cheeks took on a rosy hue, and his eyes gleamed with stars and sparkles as he held up what looked like baby pictures to the camera. "My little girl Mineva just had her first baby pictures taken! Isn't she the most adorable thing you've ever seen? She has her mother's hair and she's got my lungs, she woke up the whole mansion last night and I rocked her to sleep. It was the most precious thing!"

Oh God. If there was anything worse than a Zeon officer chewing him out, it was one gushing over his latest sprog. They were turning into rabbits, _space _rabbits. "Of course, I can only imagine, sir."

Of all of them to breed successfully, how could it have possibly been Dozle? This question would haunt Char for the rest of his life.

"Now then, when you rendezvous with the resupply fleet, do try to avoid another disastrous ambush." Dozle had returned to his more orcish facade. "And tell my little brother I said hello."

Char was curious. "Not to be rude, but can't you tell him yourself, sir?"

"He hasn't been speaking to any of us since the last family dinner. I'm certain he's upset about something Gihren or Kycillia did."

Huh, must've been that scorpion thing he tweeted about, whatever that was. "Of course sir, I'll put in a good word for you."

"Thank you, Char. Now if you don't mind, I must be going. Zenna bought me a Grizzly Bear and wants to see me kill it with my bare hands." The connection broke.

Dren looked to Char. "Why on Earth would his wife want to see him kill a grizzly bear?"

"Dren, some women love a man who can provide for them, some women love a man who can sing to them, and still others love a man who can kill thousand pound hellbeasts with their bare hands and turn the pelt into evening wear."

"So, Hobbesian women then?" At his commander's blank look Dren coughed. "Uh, or Calvinist…?" Char continued to stare. Dren's shoulders slumped. "I'll take care of the suits, sir."

"Good idea, I need to assemble a team for the next operation. It's going to be a dangerous one, so I need only the best. The Trojan Horse is going to Earth, but I'm going to ensure it pulls a Colombia." Char smirked evily.

Dren stared. "That was tasteless, Lieutenant."

In the barely intact crew quarters of the Falmel, a young Zeon soldier by the name of Crown awoke in his bunk with a profound sense of dread.

He had six hours to live.

**[Eye Catch]**

The young men of the White Base were in the mess hall located in the ship's gravity block, trying to enjoy disgusting vacuum-packed rations. Amuro, Hayato, Ryu, and Kai were seated in the furthest corner of the mess hall, away from the refugees who were packing the other tables. Why they were stuck with shipping these civilians to Earth was anyone's guess, it's not like Wakkein didn't have any ships available to take them back to Side VII. Given whatever history he had with Bright, it was probably out of spite.

As Amuro tried to suck something he hoped was tang out of a box, Ryu spoke, "Hey, since you and Sayla are on the outs, can I-?"

Amuro looked over aghast at Ryu, who continued without missing a beat, "-Introduce you to my sister Elizabeth when we get to Earth? She'd love you, man."

"I'd pass on that, Amuro, she probably weighs twice as much as he does," Kai remarked.

Ryu swung at him, but Kai jumped out of his seat. "Watch your mouth when you're talking about family, cabrón!"

Hayato snickered. "It's funny because that's what Kai is."

"Fuck you, bitch boy!" Kai snapped at Hayato.

Amuro tossed down the packet of tang, and wished death on whoever made it. "I appreciate it, I really do Ryu, but I think Sayla would be angrier at me if I started going after other women."

Ryu shrugged his shoulders. "I honestly thought the two of you were just sex buddies, or something like that."

"I thought that too, until Sayla kneed me in the groin and called me an asshole when I climbed out of the Gundam."

"I wish I was there to see it," Kai lamented.

"Kai, you look like you haven't had your daily recommended serving of dick. Why don't you go chow down on one?" Amuro levelly asked the antagonistic youth.

"Why don't you eat my ass?"

Amuro stood up and shouted down at Kai. "Why don't I put my foot up it instead?"

Kai stood up and smirked at Amuro. "Why don't you try?"

"Both of you stop fighting!" The two young men turned to see Frau Bow glaring at them with arms akimbo. "It's bad enough that the Zeon are trying to kill us, do you have to try killing each other?"

"It's certainly one way to pass the time," Hayato pointed out.

"Simple Plan over here is being a bitch because he cheated on his fuck-hole and she responded like a normal human woman would," Kai said of Amuro.

"Swear to God, Kai, I'm going to cut you."

"You and what knife, asshole?"

Amuro looked to Ryu. "Can I borrow your knife, man?"

"Yo." Ryu drew a combat knife from the holster of his belt and drove it into the table in front of Amuro for him to take.

Amuro gestured to the knife. "This one."

"Amuro!" Frau shouted as she walked up and snatched the knife from the table. She pointed it at Kai. "Stop being a dickbag, Kai!" Kai recoiled from the knife, and Frau then pointed it at Amuro. "And you, why don't you try apologizing to Sayla for what you did and be sincere about it? Just because you're good at everything you do doesn't give you a free pass to be a jackass!"

Hayato agreed with that. "She's right you know, just apologize to her."

Amuro sighed. "I'd apologize if she were willing to talk."

"Well barring either of you dying in the immediate future, you have all the time in the world long as we're stuck on this ship to work it out." Frau tossed the knife back to Ryu, who smartly holstered it. Disarmed of a deadly weapon, she softened. "I really think you should."

Before Amuro could agree and an "Aww" track could play, the PA crackled to life and Sayla spoke, "All hands to general quarters, we're about to begin our descent to the Earth's atmosphere. All crew are instructed to put on normal suits, and prepare for descent. Amuro and Ryu, get ready to sortie in the Gundam and the Core Fighter."

Kai looked up and then laughed at Amuro. "Man, I thought she'd have something spiteful to say about you."

Sayla then explained herself. "I don't bring my baggage to work like you do, prick. You and Hayato get to the CIC station, we're undermanned there."

Kai let out a grumble, as the others quickly headed for their posts.

* * *

Aboard the Falmel, as a small support ship towed three more Zakus along side the damaged cruiser, Char was briefing his three pilots on their next mission. Among them was Crown, who looked rather uneasy when Char announced that the name of the operation was "Fall to Hell".

"Alright men, here's the plan. The Trojan Horse is going to be descending to the atmosphere on a reentry course that'll take it straight to Jaburo." He pointed at map of the globe digitally spread out across the center of the Falmel's bridge. A red line represented the projected course of the white ship that was their bane. "What we're going to do is attack it and hopefully damage it enough that it breaks up on reentry, aborts it, or falls off course."

Crown then spoke up. "Uh, sir, won't attacking it like this be a little dangerous? What if we fall into the atmosphere as well?"

"The only one who has to worry about that is me," Char answered. "I'll be pursuing the White Base down to Earth, Ensign Dren will follow with the Falmel's Komusai and pick me up before I burn up in the atmosphere."

"I see, thank you Lieutenant." Crown's sense of dread wasn't going away though. In fact, with every passing second it incrementally intensified.

"Provided myself or Dren aren't killed in the operation, we'll be landing in North America to rendezvous with Prince Garma's forces, and provided none of you die, you'll join us with the regular supply drop later."

Dren was impressed. Aside from the obvious danger of attacking the Federation's new battleship near the point of reentry, Char's plan seemed entirely reasonable, and even counted on someone surviving this other than himself! Sure, someone was going to die horribly, probably Crown, but they might actually achieve something for it.

"Uh, sir?" One of the other two pilots who stood at Crown's side raised his hand. "Since the old Lefty and Righty are dead, can we take their callsigns?"

Char hummed. "Alright then. You, you're Lefty-II." He pointed to the man at Crown's right, and then to the man at Crown's left. "And you're Righty-II. They were good men, don't let their names down."

Lefty-II and Righty-II saluted Char. "We won't let you down, Lieutenant!"

Over on the White Base, Bright had his elbows on the arm rest of the Captain's Seat with hand folded in front of his lips as he listened to Lieutenant Reed, the man who was responsible for guiding the White Base through reentry, bitch to him. Mostly, it was about Bright taking the unnecessary and risky option of launching the Gundam and the Core Fighter to escort his shuttle when the Zeon would be too gun-shy about launching another attack after what happened at Luna II.

Why were people insisting on being so thick-headed? Char was stupid-crazy enough to attack Luna II and almost pull off capturing it. The White Base was about to perform a very delicate maneuver with a margin of error narrower than a razor's edge, there was so many things that could possibly go wrong that Char would be crazy-stupid to not want to try to fuck it up for them.

Here was this jackass, trying to tell him to not sortie the Gundam and Core Fighter, saying that Char was too afraid after his last endeavor, too hurt. That just meant he was fucking desperate! God were these people stupid or insane, didn't any of them know the definition of… bollocks, what was it called again?

"Murphy's Law," Mirai said without warning and to no one in particular.

Bright stared at her. "Excuse me?"

She looked as confused as he did. "Just something that came to mind, sir."

Eh, whatever. "Mirai, are you ready to begin reentry?"

"Not really, I've never done this kind of thing before outside of simulators, but in for a penny, in for a pound."

She was courageous, that was reassuring. He looked over to the screen at his console showing the face of Lieutenant Reed. "Lieutenant, we're ready to begin our descent, but again I'm sending out the Gundam or the Core Fighter until we reach the point of no return."

"Damn it Bright, the Salamis is screening our descent, there won't be a need to send out either. Now button up, this discussion is over," Reed replied, his voice sounding chipped and static-laced thanks to his normal suit speaker and radio interference.

Bright sighed. "Alright, but if Char attacks, you owe me… a hundred dollars."

"I'm not making any bets against you. Be professional and focus on the reentry." The communications cut out.

Sayla looked over. "Do you want me to tell Amuro and Ryu to stand down?"

Bright shook his head. "No, tell them to get ready to launch. Char's only running a little late."

"Yes sir." Sayla looked to the monitors at her station and saw Amuro and Ryu peering back at her. "Bright still thinks Char is going to attack, so get ready to launch. Ryu, the Core Fighter can handle reentry but since you've never done it before stay closer to the ship and come back when we've crossed the point of no return. Amuro, stay close to the Salamis's shuttle. Because we're going to need it to guide us in, it's going to be Char's priority."

"Heard, Understood, and Acknowledged," Amuro replied.

"HUA!" Ryu shouted.

"Alright, opening catapult doors," Sayla said as the two long arms of the ship that helped give the White Base its oddly sphinx-like appearance opened at the ends.

As the Gundam stepped onto the catapult, Amuro chose the worst possible time to talk. "Hey, Sayla…"

She already knew what he was going to say. "Dude, I don't bring my baggage to work, you shouldn't bring yours."

"Come on, this is probably the only time we're really going to get a chance to talk. I might die out there, you might die in here." He replied.

"Oh God, here we go…" Ryu muttered.

Above and behind the White Base was the Salamis-class space cruiser Salamis. The lead ship of her class she, like the Magellan-turned-Fusion Cannon Round, was a big gun ship but slightly less armed and a little more aesthetically pleasing with her gunship gray paint and her red keel evocative of sea ships of yore. Also like the ex-Magellan, she was a veteran of many battles, including the disastrous Operation British and the horrific Battle of Loum. It was worth noting that, again like the ex-Magellan, the ships of her class were considered the tally marker with which Zeon Mobile Suit pilots becoming aces… with a good number of them downing at the very least two during those aforementioned battles.

"Look, I'm sorry for hooking up with Miyu back on Luna II." The die was cast.

"Miyu, that was her name?" Sayla asked.

"Well I'm going to at least ask for a name from a girl I get intimate with, but that's not the point."

As the White Base and its escorting shuttle descended away from the Salamis, its crew detected five heat sources rapidly approaching the ship from behind and slightly below, exploiting a well known blind spot of the ships. Before the ship could try to get a warning out to either ship, a CCLXXX millimeter round plowed into the bridge of the ship and exploded, killing everyone who could possibly warn the descending ships.

"I'm not having this conversation." Sayla wanted to cut Amuro's frequency, but they were on a mission and needed it open.

"I wanted to apologize, all right? I'm sorry I hurt your feelings," Amuro said.

Ryu smiled. Well, that wasn't so bad.

"But you should've really conveyed that you were interested in more than just hooking up!"

Sayla recoiled. "What."

Ryu would bury his face in his palm, but he was wearing his helmet. Amuro continued to bury himself, "Furthermore, you didn't seemed concerned about Frau or what we were all about when you first met her. Hell, you just asked if you were just something 'on the side' for me."

"I was joking!" Sayla shouted back.

"Hey you two, focus." Bright said.

Catching up to the stricken Salamis, Char and his cronies wasted no time pumping the ship full of recoilless rifle rounds, causing it to explode into a great big ball of fire. This was noticed by those two guys seated above Bright.

"Uh, Ensign, it looks like you were right," One of them reported.

"Salmon Pink Zaku sighted, it's Char," The other added.

Bright was shown the image of the Salamis exploding brilliantly and rolled his eyes. "Oh no, you guys! It's the Red Comet and he's coming to attack us, who could've possibly seen this coming?"

He looked at Lieutenant Reed pointedly, and the higher ranked officer conceded with an embarrassed flush. "I'll just give you the hundo when we get to Jaburo, okay? Launch the Gundam."

"Joking or not, I would've liked some clearer signals!" Amuro shot back.

"Was me kneeing you in the nuts not clear enough?" Sayla appeared to be getting upset.

"What about the signals that would've warned me to not bend that chick over the table and ride her like a dimestore pony?" Amuro shouted back.

"How about the clearly logical one of 'I already have a girl riding my baloney pony, I don't need another'?"

"I'm going to take all you horses to the glue factory if you don't shut the hell up and do your jobs!" Bright shouted. "Amuro, Ryu, get out there and kill every enemy you see, and don't give me any excuses about Red Comets or relationship drama if either of you die!"

"Yes sir!" Amuro and Ryu responded, before their machines went hurtling out into the void.

"Sayla, coordinate those idiots, and don't give me any excuses about how Amuro banged that chick stupid if you let him die!"

"Yes sir…" Sayla said begrudgingly.

The three MS-VIF Zaku IIs and their MS-VIS Zaku II Commander Type quickly left the exploding Salamis and raced downward towards the White Base, pursued by the Falmel's Komusai atmosphere reentry shuttle. At the lead, Char looked to the increasingly nervous Crown.

"Crown, you're with me, we're taking out the shuttle. Lefty-II, Righty-II, go after the Trojan Horse!" When he received a hesitant affirmative from Crown, as the other two raced off to their target, he grew concerned. "Crown, buddy, you alright?"

"I can't help but think I'm going to die, Lieutenant," Crown admitted. "I mean, everyone who's sortied with you against the white mobile suit has died so far, and pretty horribly."

"That's a reasonable concern, Crown, but let me reassure you that this is not the case. The fact that you're aware of your impending mortality means you're better prepared to avoid it," Char reassured him.

That, actually relaxed Crown. "Huh, you're right. When I look at it like that, I think I might make it!"

"Precisely! Even more, you're nowhere near retirement, you're not due for any promotions, and you haven't mentioned your plans for the future or talked about any loved ones you have back home. You're a shoe-in not to die!"

Crown blinked in confusion. "Uh, what sir?"

A bazooka round definitely not either of theirs narrowly passed between the two. "Don't worry about it, the white mobile suit is here!"

"You picked the wrong time to fuck with me today, Char!" Amuro yelled as he attacked the two Zakus head-on.

Char dodged Amuro's next shot and returned fire, the bazooka round punching through the Gundam's arm-carried shield easily, but exploding harmlessly before it could reach its chest. "Look who's left their radio on now!"

"I know, I was talking to you!" Amuro yelled before he kicked Char for once.

"Ah, God damn it!" Char yelped as he was sent flying for once.

Amuro then turned to face Crown. "And now it's your turn."

"I'd like to see you try!" Crown retorted as he fired his own bazooka at Amuro, only to miss wide.

Bright was impressed, everyone was when they saw Amuro kick the shit out of Char's Zaku. "The kid got a good hit in, for once."

"It's because he's pissed off, sir," Mirai noted.

"That he is Mirai, that he is." The White Base then shook from a hit. Bright was unhappy. "Sayla, what the hell?"

"I'm trying to coordinate Ryu, but he's one guy fighting two Zakus, and for _some reason_our anti-aircraft fire isn't doing its job to support him properly!"

Kai then called over from the CIC station, manning one of the remotely operated Close-In Weapon System turrets. "Bitch, if you think you can hit a moving target better than I can, come right on over and try!"

"You're not supposed to be trying to hit them, you're supposed to discourage them from hitting us!" There was another hit, and the ship shook. "You know, like that!"

"How am I supposed to discourage them, shooting in their general direction?"

"YES!" Everyone else on the bridge shouted down at Kai.

Kai blinked. "Huh, well that just makes my job easier."

* * *

"Space combat is weird, most people think maneuvering combat is going to be like in science fiction, with banking and sweeping and turning, when it's not like that at all. Because there's no stall to be concerned about, it gives plenty of opportunity to perform maneuvers that would be impossible in the atmosphere for an aircraft like the Core Fighter," Ryu explained. "For example."

Using the red, white, and blue fighter jet's maneuvering thrusters, Ryu performed a slide perpendicular to the direction the plane's nose was pointing, avoiding a bazooka shot, before turning its nose up at a XC degree angle and firing his engines to avoid another.

"Ryu, who the hell are you talking to?" Sayla asked.

Ryu performed another near right angle turn and strafed one of the Zakus, drawing it away from the White Base. "No one in particular, just reciting something my instructor taught me so you have something to take your mind off that whole Amuro thing. Look, he's not a bad guy, he's never been in a serious relationship and he's really impulsive, you know?"

Sayla had to begrudgingly agree with that. "Yeah, he is pretty much id-driven."

"He feels bad about what he did though, he's just not really sure about how to patch things up–oh hang on one second." With the nimbleness of a bird on the wing, Ryu avoided a barrage of fire and pelted his opponent with the Core Fighter's XX-millimeter cannons.

Righty-II was not pleased. "You son of a bitch, hold still!"

Ryu avoided all return fire. "Just don't sweat it too much, get back together with him and work this out, you'll be better off for it."

Sayla sighed. "Wow, Ryu, you're a great guy. You know, if we don't work it out, I'm coming to you for a revenge lay."

"You know this is an open channel, right!" Amuro yelled as he missed Crown again. "Damn it!" Char's kicked him in the back. "DAMN IT!"

Ryu ignored Amuro. "No can do, I got a mamacita waiting for me back home. I promised her."

Sayla gasped in horror. "Ryu, don't say that in the middle of a battle!"

It was at that moment that Righty-II's Zaku popped up directly in front of the Core Fighter. "Got you now, you little gnat!"

Ryu snap-fired two missiles loaded under the Core Fighter's wings, hitting the Zaku dead on in the cockpit as he banked away. The lifeless Zaku drifted a bit, before the White Base's anti-aircraft fire converged upon and tore it apart.

"Mami, that shit is for bad anime," Ryu said to Sayla as he turned to engage the other Zaku.

"Righty-II, no!" Lefty-II said in horror before he engaged the Core Fighter. "You won't get away with this, Federation bastards!"

Amuro wished he was having Ryu's good fortune, getting double teamed front and back by Char and whoever this other asshole was wasn't cool. "Why didn't I take the beam rifle again? This sucks!"

Char fired at Amuro, his bazooka round likewise missing the Gundam for the fourth time. "Maybe the kid's onto something about these bazookas, damn."

"I got him, sir!" Crown said cheerfully as he fired at the Gundam, putting another hole in its shield. "Ha!"

Well that rightly tore it. "Sayla, I hope to God there's another weapon aboard the ship I can use!"

"The beam rifle's still out of order, but we have a Gundam Hammer," Sayla replied.

"That sounds entirely like something I don't need right now." Amuro fired his last rocket at Crown, missing him, before turning to the White Base. "But whatever, I'll take it."

Char had decided that the best way to make up for the Bazooka's inaccuracy was to get in really close and use it like a shotgun. "Don't hesitate in the middle of the battlefield!"

Amuro turned around and swung the Gundam's bazooka like a baseball bat, clubbing Char's Zaku and sending it flipping away. "You're outta here!"

On the White Base's bridge, Bright threw up a little in his mouth. That was the worst pun.

"Ryu, that guy's on you like white on rice, lure him out towards the Gundam so Amuro can funeralize him, too." Sayla instructed.

Ryu followed the orders, avoiding the wild rocket fire from Lefty-II's Zaku. "Man, you just reminded me of my girl's gandules and rice, when we get to Earth I should make some."

"Why do you keep saying that kind of stuff!" Sayla all but shrieked.

The Core Fighter continued on, narrowly passing by the Gundam as he avoided one more rocket from Crown. "Damn it, how many rockets do their bazooka's carry–huh, Ryu?"

"Bandit dead six, jefe!" Ryu called out.

Amuro heeded the warning and turned around to knock off the head of the other Zaku, shattering the barrel of the bazooka in the process. "Christ, this thing's better as a blunt object than a projectile weapon!"

A Zaku kicked the Gundam, but it was definitely not salmon pink. "Ha! The white mobile suit is my bitch!" Crown declared.

Amuro recovered and let out a scream of frustration. "This fucking guy, I'm gonna–!"

"Amuro, stop!" Sayla suddenly called out.

Amuro looked turned towards the White Base to see the G-Hammer hurtling towards him. Sayla then declared it was–

"Hammer time!"

The G-Hammer hurtled past the Gundam, but Amuro caught it by the very end of the ball and chain weapon. He was going to relish what he was about to do.

Behind him, Lefty-II managed to get his Zaku's backup cameras going and drew his heat hawk. "That won't stop me, white devil; you only took out the main camera! I will avenge Righty-II!"

Amuro looked back, and then swung the hammer towards the Zaku. "You… can't…!" The hammer slammed into the Zaku's chest, crushing Lefty-II in his cockpit. "TOUCH THIS!"

"Please!" Char said before he and Crown's Zakus flying kicked the Gundam simultaneously. "We're too legit to quit!"

"Hoisted by my own petard!" Amuro yelled as he fell closer to the Earth.

"I'm not going to lie, he had that one coming," Bright said.

"Everyone and their mother make those easy jokes," Mirai muttered.

Lieutenant Reed radioed in, leaving Bright wondering why he wasn't dead yet."Damn it Bright, open the damn door, we're coming in! All this willy-nilly flying around damaged the shuttle, we can't guide you in with the combat zone this hot!"

"Guess we'll have to do it on our own. Mirai, don't fuck this up."

Mirai looked back at Bright. "I'll take a page from Kai's book and say if you want to do this yourself, you're more than welcome."

Sayla finished ordering the guys in the hangar let the shuttle in, and called to Amuro and Ryu. "Alright, show's over guys we're approaching the point of no return!"

"I'm out of ammo anyway," Ryu said before he called out to the Gundam, "Yo, jefe, we bouncin'!"

"No, fuck that! I'm not coming back until I kill one of these pricks, preferably the pink one!" Amuro yelled back.

"It's red you jackass!" Char yelled as he dodged a hammer swing.

"Sure, next you'll be telling me that Johnny Ridden's Zaku isn't!" Amuro yelled back.

"It isn't red at all, it's crimson!" Char deflected the hammer strike with a heathawk, which shattered on impact. "Oh crap…"

His response made Amuro see scarlet. "They're the same fucking color!" His next swing took off the right arm of Char's Zaku. "In fact, he should be called the Red Lightning, because his Zaku's red! Not PINK!"

"Damn, he's a monster!" Char cried out.

Before he could take another piece of the Zaku, Crown's Zaku suddenly kicked the hammer out of the Gundam's hand from behind. "Hang on Lieutenant, I've got this guy!"

"My hammer!" Amuro was shoulder barged by Crown's Zaku, both MS falling towards the Earth even faster.

Char was impressed. "Good going, Crown, kick his ass!" He then noticed that he was slowly accelerating downward. "Wait, I stopped, why do I still have forward momentum–oh crap we're past the point of no return."

"I'm already bringing the Komusai around to pick you up, Lieutenant," Dren radioed.

Aboard the White Base, Bright called to Amuro directly. "Amuro, man, stop screwing around out there and get back here. We're entering the atmosphere!"

"Kind of busy here!" Amuro shouted back over loud clangs. "Damn it, stop punching me!"

"Well, he's fucked," Kai declared.

Lieutenant Reed entered the bridge and walked over to Bright. "Ensign, know that you're going to take full responsibility for everything that happened during this disaster."

Bright froze, his eyes fixed dead ahead at the image of the Gundam and Zaku tumbling towards oblivion. Taking a deep breath, he sat back in his chair, still fixated on the two struggling robots outside, and spoke in a surprisingly calm and level tone to Lieutenant Reed. "My good man, before we left Luna II, I told Wakkein that we'd need at least two ships and a handful of fighters to escort us in if we were going to do this without being ambushed by Char. Wakkein gave me only one, because he still had sand in his various sphincters about me being right before."

That was obvious, or so Reed wanted to say. Bright continued, "In response, I made the tactical decision to deploy my units to deal with the attack that most certainly would've been avoided if we had that extra ship and fighter screen. You protested this decision up until the very moment the attack began, believing my sound judgment could be overlooked as a result of my rank, precisely like Wakkein did." He rested his elbows on the armrests of his chair, and folded his hands in front of his mouth. "Lieutenant Reed, I will accept responsibility for this, if only you and Commodore Wakkein admit that you're fucking morons. Signed and submitted in writing, in triplicate."

Sayla looked from the bickering COs to the monitors. "Amuro, you really have to stop, soon it's going to get too hot for us to pick you back up!"

All she got was a garbled response. "…It's… late… n't… wor… m… dam …won… urn… up any… y…"

After that there was static, and Sayla grew worried. "Amuro? Amuro! Respond!" There was nothing but static. "Amuro!"

Bright closed his eyes and sighed. "Raise the heat shields; make sure the ship is buttoned up. We're going in."

Outside, Amuro was seated back in his seat with his arms folded, as Crown's Zaku continued pounding away at him, the now quite hot blooded pilot trying his damnedest to tear the white devil limb from limb.

"No more fight in you, huh?" Crown asked between punches. "I thought so, without your weapons you're just a big target dummy, good for nothing but taking damage! Take this! And this! And this!"

Amuro rolled his eyes in annoyance, and kept observing the temperature gauge.

"Crown," Char radioed.

"When I finally pulverize the cockpit, I'm going to drag you back to the Komusai, and offer you to the Lieutenant as a war prize! Let's see the Federation win the war without their precious little mobile suit!"

"Crown!" Char shouted.

Amuro tapped his fingers on the armrest. Any day now, Christ.

"I'm going to get a promotion for this, maybe a cushy job training recruits too, away from the front line, and when I get back home I'm gonna propose to my girl!"

"God damn it, Crown! Will you listen to me!"

"I hear you loud and clear Lieutenant, bring the Komusai around, I've almost got this guy!" Crown declared proudly.

"I can't," Char replied. "You're too far deep into the atmosphere. We'd burn up with you."

Crown stopped punching the Gundam, and looked over towards the Komusai. "W-what?"

"Crown, you're going to die," Char said bluntly, "But, your sacrifice will not be in vain. The Trojan Horse is descending right into Zeon territory, and the white mobile suit is going to burn up with you. So, at the very least, you're going to get that promotion."

Horror descended upon Crown, as the Gundam lifted a leg and kicked the Zaku back from it. "What? No, no, no! I don't want to die! Lieutenant, come get me, you can still do it, hurry!"

Char turned his head away from the radio, and clenched his teeth briefly. "I'll be sure to tell your girl that you died like a hero."

"Hey, is she hot?" Amuro asked. "Ballpark estimate, an eight, a nine? A ten?" He grinned maliciously. "Hot as your Zaku is right now?"

That kind of pissed Char off. "That man's about to die, at least let him have some dignity!"

"The same dignity your men gave all those civilians at Side VII or…?"

Char was thrown for a loop. "You're the ones who put a bunch of top secret weapons in a civilian colony–."

"Yeah, and thanks to you, I'm stuck piloting this particular top secret weapon, fighting for my life! Thank you, fuck you and I'm not sorry for killing your men!"

"I DON'T WANT TO DIE! LIEUTENANT HELP!" Crown yelled as bits and pieces of his Zaku began to start coming off.

Amuro had it to here and emptied the Gundam's head mounted vulcans into the Zaku, shredding it. "DIE QUIETLY!"

Spewing flames and various fluids quickly vaporizing in the heat, the Zaku fell further back from the Gundam, and exploded brilliantly. Amuro then hit a few keys on the console next to the right hand control stick, and had the Gundam raise a middle finger towards the Komusai. "Hey Pink Comet, see you when I get to Earth."

Char's hidden eyes widened. "What the shit."

From the backpack and chest plate of the Gundam, a large transparent shroud emerged, covering the entire suit as it turned over and held its arms out. Rather than begin coming apart, the Gundam looked more like a soaring Dragon Ball Z character engulfed in his battle aura. Char could only watch this in disbelief, as the Komusai fell out of sight of the mobile suit.

"Lieutenant, that mobile suit…" Dren began.

Char shook his head. "It's a monster, I know. Damn, more sad letters to write. At least I'll be working with Garma now instead of Dozle."

"What about the Zakus, Lieutenant?"

Char groaned. "I hate that white mobile suit. I hate that kid."

* * *

"The White Base has successfully entered the atmosphere." Mirai said quietly.

One could drop a pin aboard the bridge of the White Base, and someone would go deaf from the racket, it was that silent now. Bright sat back in his chair and folded his hands behind his head, as he let out a sigh that indicated it was taking everything he had to not flip out. Over in the CIC station, Hayato cringed when looked over towards Sayla's seat, she just had her head bowed down and wasn't moving.

As if it could not get any worse, Frau Bow emerged onto the bridge. "What happened? The Gundam didn't come back in, is Amuro alright?"

Before anyone could respond, Kai did. "Nope, he burned up in the atmosphere."

Frau recoiled in disbelief. "What?"

"Kai, no," Hayato warned him to no avail as Sayla's shoulders hitched up.

"Yep, couldn't shake off one Zaku and got dragged down, he's probably raining all over the ground below in little pieces right now," He elaborated nonchalantly.

"Kai, no!" Hayato whispered, as Sayla looked back towards Kai with a look of utter hatred and murder.

Kai just didn't care. "Good riddance, that unstable primadonna was going to get us killed anyway."

It was then that Sayla jumped from her chair, all but flew across the room (an impressive feat given they were now under the effects of gravity), and tackled Kai out of his seat and proceeded to lay an unholy beating onto him the likes of which could not be described for sake of author sanity.

Lieutenant Reed stood up. "For God's sake, stop that!"

"Stop her and I'll shove you out the airlock." Bright wanted to question how Mirai knew exactly what he wanted to say, but was content with the fact that she said it.

It was after Sayla's seventh or eighth punch to Kai's face that Amuro's voice finally called over from the radio. "Uh, guys? The Gundam's great and all, but it's not meant to fly, can you come catch me?"

Everyone stopped, and looked towards Sayla's empty station in disbelief. Bright was the first to speak after the momentary pause. "You're fucking kidding me."

He quickly looked to Mirai. "Lower the blast shields, hurry!"

They soon came down, and the first sight to greet the crew of the White Base was the wide open sky above the North American continent, and the unmistakable sight of the Gundam… desperately flapping its arms in a comically vain attempt to stay airborne.

"I mean seriously, I'm dropping like a rock here!"

Sayla dropped Kai like a bad habit and scrambled back over to her station, not even bothering to get back in her chair as she hit several buttons and greeted with the sight of Amuro's smiling face. "Amuro, oh my God you're alive…"

"Of course I am, this is something my Father made. It's not going to be destroyed by a few thousand degrees Celsius." Amuro let out a sigh of relief as the White Base maneuvered into position, and opened its doors to welcome him home. "White Base, thanks for the catch."

"Thanks for the save," Bright said in turn, "That's three beers I owe you."

"Look man, I think by the time we're done here, you're going to owe me like… three twenty-four packs or something." Amuro said as the Gundam set its feet down on the hangar deck.

"The Gundam's safely on deck, I… I'm gonna go now." Sayla turned and bolted off the bridge.

"Hey, wait! Sayla!" Frau cried as she rushed after her.

Hayato leaned over and looked down at Kai. "Sure you don't like him, but did you really have to talk shit like that?"

"Fuck you, bitch boy." Kai honestly hadn't expected Sayla to flip out like that… or to hit as hard as she did.

Lieutenant Reed looked over to Bright, who was already checking their location. "Well, where the hell are we, Ensign?"

"GPS says we're right over the United States, Zeon territory. This was probably Char's plan all along," Bright wanted to be grim, but he was too relieved to know that the kid was safe.

Lieutenant Reed rubbed his right arm with his left. "There's nothing we can do, but fight our way out now. It's not your fault Ensign Noa."

He turned and headed for the door. "I'm going to sickbay, I dinged up my arm when the shuttle took a hit," He called back. "I'll trust you to take care of our next course of action."

Sure, they were now deep in enemy territory, and given the intensity of Minovsky Particle Interference they'd be lucky if they could contact Jaburo at all, but Bright felt good, he felt great even! He felt–.

"Sweet vindication," Mirai randomly blurted.

"Yes, that," Bright said.

Mirai looked back, confused. "What?"

In the opening cockpit of the Gundam, Amuro removed his helmet and unzipped the top half of his space suit. Even with the protective shielding it felt like a sauna inside the cockpit. He made a mental note to tell his Dad about improving the climate control in this thing next time he saw him, when the sound of footsteps racing down the catwalk towards the Gundam.

"Sayla, wait the gantry isn't even closed all the way yet, wait!" That was definitely Frau shouting over Sayla's footsteps, as she ran up to the Gundam's cockpit and jumped inside without hesitation, narrowly avoiding tripping over the controls and landing on Amuro with a loud thud.

"Damn it, Sayla!" Frau was stopped when Ryu held out his arm in front of her.

"Too late now, Mami," Ryu said as the hatch quickly slid closed. "Leave them alone for a few minutes. They need to work some things out."

Frau sighed, and then smiled. "You're right and I'm glad they are."

Slipping his hands into his pockets, the large and in charge Puerto Rican turned and gestured for Frau to follow him. "Come on, we can all congratulate him later over the gandules and rice I'm gonna show you how to make."

Frau tilted her head as she followed. "Han-doo-lees and rice?"

Inside the cockpit, Sayla was hugging Amuro tightly, while Amuro was convinced that she had broken a rib tackling him into his seat. She then sat up and properly straddled him, smiling down at him and reaching up to toy with his curly hair. After a few moments, she fanned her face as she became aware of the heat. "God damn, it's hot in here."

"Yeah, I need to look at the climate control." Amuro sat back and stared up at her. "I'm sorry, for messing with that girl."

"I forgive you." She flicked his nose. "And I'm sorry for not being clear about what we are."

Amuro nodded. "So… what are we?"

Sayla leaned close, her smile broadening. "We are… continuing where we left off, before Wakkein interrupted us."

Amuro smiled just as broadly, as they got to doing just that.

* * *

A/N: In case it's not obvious, this story ships Amuro/Sayla. Feed me your delicious rage.


	3. Gumbo Z'eon

Disclaimer: This is a non-profit fan-based parody. Mobile Suit Gundam belongs to the Gunpla Cartels.

**Mobile Suit Gundam: Gran Tomino**  
Gumbo Z'eon

_Welcome to ERF!_

**[3.]**

"You're still troubled, Lieutenant," Dren said as the Komusai descended through the twilight sky towards the gigantic, broad-winged transport ship awaiting their arrival.

"How astute of you, Dren." Char was still very troubled. What that little asshole said back during the battle was gnawing at him.

_"Yeah, and thanks to you, I'm stuck piloting this particular top secret weapon, fighting for my life! Thank you, fuck you, and I'm not sorry for killing your men!" _

It was becoming increasingly obvious that Char wasn't up against the usual Federation soldiers. High performance death weapons aside, they were smarter than the usual Federation soldier, able to respond quickly and smartly to his attacks, improvise on the fly, and damn it they even caught him with his pants down once! Char seriously wondered if these guys were even Federation soldiers at all!

Its landing gear down, the Komusai touched down into the massive belly of the Gaw Attack Carrier, and once the gigantic airship's doors closed, Char disembarked with Dren in tow. They were immediately greeted by the soldiers crewing the Gaw, all raising their hands in salute. Char returned the salute respectfully, but Dren was confused.

"Sir, this is Garma's Gaw, isn't it?" He asked as Char dismissed the young men to continue with their work.

"Yes, why do you ask?" Char replied.

Dren hummed. "It's just, that I heard stories…"

The two headed down the spacious corridor leading from the hangar to Garma's quarters after receiving instructions where to find it. Dren looked around at the plain, standard interior of the ship, confused further.

Char glanced to his assistant. "What, like about the gold and ivory interior, the all-female crew with tiny miniskirts?"

Dren's face flushed. "Yes, that."

"That's his other Gaw, he only uses it for propaganda purposes, it's not even combat capable," Char replied. "Hell, he doesn't even like it."

Dren looked crestfallen at that, as they reached the tasteful wooden doors leading to Captain Garma's quarters. Char knocked and called out, "Your Highness, permission to enter."

A young man's voice called back. "That's it keep trying to get away, I'm going to bend you over and you're going to take it."

Char and Dren both took a step back from the door, as whatever was happening on the other side of the door kept happening. "Hold still, you're going to get what's coming to you! Don't you dare struggle!"

There was then maniacal laughter. "Yeah that's it, take it all in! You're my bitch, now!"

Char and Dren looked to each other with alarm, and then opened the doors quickly…to find Prince Garma Zabi sitting on his bed in a pair of pajama bottoms and a t-shirt, a game controller in his hands and a headset on his head. He was playing a First Person Shooter of some kind, and had just run down and knifed someone.

"Oh." Char was relieved.

"Oh…" Dren was disappointed.

Garma's character on the wide-screen TV suddenly toppled over in a messy cloud of chunky salsa, and Garma rightfully flipped out. "Twin 1887s? You dog raping whore!"

Char cleared his throat. "Hey, Garma?"

Hearing his voice over the gunfire and vitriolic obscenities of online multiplayer, Garma turned towards Char and removed the headset. "Char, hey man."

"Video games, Garma? Aren't you on patrol?" Char chided.

Garma tossed the controller onto the bed. "I just spent the last eight hours on station, and we were on our way back to New Orleans when you came diving in like a bat out of Hell. I was actually getting a few games in before sleep."

"Video games are the last thing you should be doing before bed; you'll never get to sleep." Char sat down on the bed and removed his helmet, leaving the mask he wore over his eyes still on. "I take it the Camel already contacted you?"

"Yes, you lost the Zakus Dozle sent me, not like I needed them; California Base is already producing huge numbers of them. He honestly just sent them so I'd call him up and thank him for them."

Char nodded. "So why aren't you talking to them?"

"Can it wait? I don't feel like discussing family right now. What about that Trojan Horse that's been griefing you like crazy?"

Char let out a heavy sigh. "I'd rather not discuss it right now, but that ship and its crew are like nothing we've faced. Between the white mobile suit and the badass who's in charge of that ship, I've been getting my ass handed to me. On the bright side, I managed to drive them dead center into your territory, they'd have to go south through thousands of miles of heavily controlled Zeon space to get to Jaburo."

Garma nodded, and patted Char on the shoulder. "Well don't worry about it now. My resources are your resources, the last pockets of resistance have been wiped out so I've got nothing to do but hold the North American territory."

"You're too generous, Garma."

Looking at his TV, and then considering Char's comment about sleep, Garma had an idea. "As a matter of fact, I have an idea Char that'll have the Trojan Horse surrendering in no time."

* * *

And so it was, for the six days since they arrived on Earth, the White Base experienced hell. With the aid of surprisingly competent Zeon reconnaissance and spotters on the ground, the ship was chased and harassed in a zigzag pattern down the course of the Mississippi River. Just when they thought they were getting away from Zeon forces, they'd find themselves encountering an even larger force, and the moment they though they'd have a moment to relax, fighters would dive out of the sun with guns blazing, and when they thought they could hide at low altitude under the cover of night, Zakus were opening fire on them from the ground.

The attacks were easy to drive off at first, but given they were heavily outnumbered and were very limited in stores of ammo and other supplies, by the third day they could do was run and try to conserve what they had left and find a moment's peace to form a strategy. By the fourth day, ammunition was low, by the fifth day, food was low, and by the sixth day…Bright was on to their little scheme.

It was dark over the southern reaches of the Ozarks, a severe thunderstorm rumbling over the region and the threat of tornadoes was making recon difficult. Braving the strong winds kicked up by a nearby supercell storm, a Zeon P01B Luggun reconnaissance aircraft tried to scan the rugged, heavily forested terrain of northern Arkansas, the flying wing with its cockpit situated atop a high neck looked both ominous and goofy as lightning flashed in the sky around it.

"Man, this terrain is awful," the pilot of the Luggun complained.

The sensors operator was just as frustrated. "Yeah, the storm's messing with my sensors bad enough as it is! Even without it I wouldn't be able to find a city because of all the echoes caused by the terrain, God damn natural phenomena!"

As the Luggun left the area, the crew of the White Base thanked the deep valley and the inclement weather for their good fortune. Once Bright had figured out the strategy it was a simple matter of finding terrain so inhospitable it'd discourage their recon New Jersey was over a thousand miles the other way, the Ozarks, specifically the Boston Mountains, would have to do. Still, it was only a temporary solution, the weather would pass, and the sun would rise, leaving Zeon free to better cover the range.

"Ladies, gentlemen, it goes without saying that this week has been rough," Bright said to Mirai, Amuro, Sayla, Ryu, Frau, Kai, and Hayato, who were all seated with him in a circle in the darkened bridge of the White Base. Lieutenant Reed was present as well, overseeing this little pow-wow while those two mooks who manned the sensors were at their stations, keeping an eye out for any enemies. "We've hardly had any sleep, we're running low on food and ammo, and those God damn refugees will not stop bitching about how they want to get off the ship."

"Why don't we eat the refugees, and shoot their bones at the enemy, then?" Kai suggested.

"Because human remains won't pierce titanium alloy, and human flesh tastes terrible," Bright answered.

Kai cringed. "Those are your reasons?"

"Honestly, I don't think you're cooking it right," Mirai noted.

Kai stared at Mirai next. "What."

Bright agreed. "It could be."

Both looked to each other, and a flash of lightning illuminated the bridge as they directed their gazes at Kai. As Kai scooted back just a bit from the circle, whimpering, Bright got serious. "The Zeon are trying to break us psychologically. They've had us in situations where with just enough pressure we would've all been killed, but it's fairly obvious that they want the White Base and the Gundam to come to them peacefully. It's been Garma's preferred tactic for taking resistance cells across North America."

Amuro closed his eyes and hummed sagely. "We won't be able to get to Jaburo by the direct route, will we?"

"It's just not a viable option, going due south may be the shortest route but not the path of least resistance. To have a chance to contact the Jaburo, to get out of Zeon territory at all, we'll have to head west."

Lieutenant Reed spoke up. "West, straight towards the heart of Zeon's occupation, Bright, are you insane?"

"There's an important factor to consider about our opponents. They expect us to be on our last legs, tired and weak from six days of non-stop psychological warfare. Frankly, they're just about right in that regard," Bright explained, "However, because of that they won't expect an unorthodox counterattack that will hopefully put them heavily into disarray."

Lieutenat Reed didn't like where this was going. "An unorthodox counterattack?"

"A suicide mission, sir. Without a doubt, this is something that will likely get whoever goes out on it killed," Bright replied. "You see, after we settled here, Amuro and Frau headed to the nearby town to gather intelligence for me, and they found out that the mayor of New Orleans is holding a big dinner party for Prince Garma Zabi himself."

Lieutenant Reed went wide-eyed. "You want to assassinate Garma?"

"By any means necessary, while Garma's being knocked off, the White Base will be making a low altitude, high speed dash for the Rockies, and we'll be able to hide there until we can plan our next move."

Ryu didn't like it. "Whoever goes on the mission is going to be left behind."

Reed let out a snort. "And who would you have do it? You have no Marines, and your most combat capable crew are already needed for crew positions that even then are dangerously understaffed when everyone's in place."

"He's right, jefe," Ryu said to Bright, "One of us would have to draw the short straw."

"Opt me out, bad enough we're in Zeon territory; you want me to walk into the same room as a hundred Zeon motherfucks to knock off just one?" Kai made an X with his arms, and shook his head.

Bright looked around the group. "If anyone has suggestions, I'm open to hear them."

It was Frau Bow who raised her hand. "Killing him would only distract them for so long, and then after the initial shock, they'd be coming after us for revenge. I think we should try something different."

"She's right," Sayla said to the Ensign.

Everyone else nodded in agreement. Then Reed spoke up, "You'd get a better result by kidnapping him and holding him hostage."

Lightning struck the White Base at that moment, sending a jolt through the ship and its crew, a jolt of brilliance. Quickly Bright began rapidly plotting in his head, and he nodded. "Yeah, yeah we could pull that off for sure!"

Reed paled, as he realized that he'd planted an even dumber idea into Bright's head.

"Whoa, whoa, whoa…you want to kidnap one of the _Zabi family_, Degwin Zabi's _youngest son _ and hold him _hostage_?" Hayato asked.

"At least until we get to friendly territory, we need a trump card and the Gundam can only do so much against such superior numbers," Bright replied.

"We should put it up for a vote, like we did back when we attacked Char, jefe," Ryu suggested.

Bright agreed. "Alright you guys, we're going to vote here and now on the operation. Lieutenant Reed, you're welcome to cast your vote too."

Mirai was all for it. "Well, we've got nothing to lose, I say we give it a shot."

Kai shook his head. "I say no, because if we fail, it's the gallows for all of us."

"We'd fail because you'd sell us out," Frau Bow snapped at him. "I say we do it!"

Lieutenant Reed let out an annoyed sigh. "This is completely insane, but seeing how insane seems to work for you guys, I'm going to throw my hat in."

"I'm still against it, man," Ryu said.

Sayla looked to Amuro, who appeared to be weighing his options. "I'm against it too, it's really too risky."

"I vote against it as well," Hayato said, "There has to be another way we can get out of here safely."

Everyone looked to the last man of the committee, as another flash of lightning illuminated the bridge. Amuro had an unusual look on his face, he seemed extremely relaxed, his eyes were half-closed and he had the most troubling smile on his lips. The dim lights in the dark bridge, reflecting off his reddish brown eyes seemed to create the illusion of an intense blaze burning in them. The blaze grew even greater, as his smile broadened.

"Bright, I already have a plan for how we can pull this off perfectly. I want to lead the mission myself."

"Oh God," Kai and Hayato said simultaneously, as Bright stood up and nodded.

"You got it, kid. Sayla, call the crew to general quarters, we're going to start planning a heist!"

**[Eye Catch]**

New Orleans, the Big Easy, known for its fine food, southern hospitality, and festive February binge celebration, was celebrating for different reasons today–it had been six months since the Zeon Earth Occupation Forces had "liberated" the city from the tyrannical Earth Federation and to show their gratitude the mayor was throwing a grand old party for the brave man who came promising hope and change for the people of New Orleans and Earth, Garma Zabi.

The party itself was being held in the French Quarter, heavily guarded by some of Zeon's finest. Garma's elite guard, composed of brand-spanking new MS-06J Zaku II Ground Types, were actually a special operations group on loan from his older sister Kycillia Zabi–undoubtedly another attempt at reconciliation that Garma was flat out ignoring. Now that Char thought about it, since he'd arrived both Dozle and Kycillia had been rather obvious in their attempts at currying Garma's favor, or at the very least getting him to talk about anything but business.

"You know Garma, I'm rather impressed. It's not every day you see Kycillia bending over backwards for anything." Which was something Char wouldn't mind seeing, Kycillia bent over backwards, forwards too, over the edge of a table, leaning against a chair, hands against the wall with legs spread, grabbing her ankles and sticking her–.

"Stop fantasizing about my sister," Garma said when he saw a line of drool slip from the corner of Char's mouth. The two of them were standing at the edge of the mingling crowd in the 19th century era mansion's ballroom, enjoying the fine music, attractive women in ballroom dresses, and most importantly…the open bar.

Char shook his head. "Sorry about that, it's hard not to. I still have that pinup handed out to new recruits." Garma blanched in disgust at the very mention of it. "Sorry, sorry!"

Garma took a sip of his drink, and Char chuckled. "Jokes aside, what's been going on, trouble at home?"

"Oh, you could say that," Garma replied, "Gihren, Kycillia, Dozle…lately they've been non-stop bickering over everything and it's been getting really ugly. First there was Gihren shunting assets for meant for Dozle away to the Delaz Fleet, and then Dozle trying to pin the whole Cima thing on Kycillia, and then Kycillia perpetuating the conspiracy theory that Zeon Zum Deikun did not die naturally and that Gihren may have been involved."

Char stared blankly ahead, only for a second. "You don't say?"

"It's intolerable. Dad doesn't even try to put his foot down on it, he enables it because 'Competition between siblings leads to strength' or so he claims."

"How very Britannian of him to think that."

Garma took another drink. "Anyway, the family dinner was the last straw. You wouldn't believe it if you had seen it."

Char had seen a lot of shit the last few weeks, so he was up for the challenge. "Try me."

Garma rested his empty champagne glass on a passing server's tray and picked up another from it. "Well, we were seated around the table, when Kycillia threw a live scorpion at Gihren's face. Before it could sting him, Gihren batted it onto his plate, killed it, ate it, and then spat it at Dozle's eyes." The youngest of the clearly twisted family sighed. "Dozle just kept eating."

Char did a double and then a triple take. "God damn."

"Since then I've refused to talk to any of them. It's so frustrating, we're fighting a war and they're more content to snipe at each other than actually deal with things like the V-Project and this damned Trojan Horse. I don't know how long it'll be before they actually try to kill each other."

Not very long now, by Char's estimation; provided certain long lost sons of leaders who died under mysterious circumstances didn't get to them first. "At least they're trying to apologize for upsetting you."

Garma performed a flick of his perfectly styled violet hair and let out a huff. "No, they're blaming each other for it, and trying to make me pick sides. I'm sick of it."

"Sick of it you say…?" Char said aloud.

Garma looked around suspiciously, and took a sip of his drink, before whispering to him. "To be honest, Char, I'm thinking about just ditching this whole war and running away."

"Really." Well, this was very interesting. Certain long lost sons of leaders who died under mysterious circumstances would find this quite useful for future plans. "But where would you go, Garma? What did you have in mind?"

At that moment, the party's fabulously dressed, effeminately voiced, and oddly flamboyant master of ceremonies called out. "Chin-pon-pon-pon~! Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you the lovely Icelina Eschonbach!"

Char wondered exactly what the hell that one guy from Gurren-Lagann was doing at the ball, as Garma looked up at the balcony overlooking the balcony. Emerging from behind a curtain was a beautiful blonde-haired green eyed woman in a lovely evening dress, who nodded to the crowd as she made for the stairs and began walking down them. Char then looked up to the young woman and whispered "dayum" under his breath.

"She's my ticket out of here, Char," Garma whispered to him.

"How? She's the mayor's daughter and he's not fond of us at all."

"Neither is she; she's as Anti-Zeon as he is, and I'm as Anti-Zeon as she is."

Char let out a chuckle. "The only reason I'm letting you get away with that kind of talk is because you're my friend, Garma."

"It's why I'm glad you're here." Garma set his glass on the table at their proximity, and walked over to Icelina. After they exchanged pleasantries, they immediately turned and hit the dance floor.

As they got to dancing Char took a sip of his own drink, and noticed a positively beautiful white-haired woman enter his peripheral vision and head straight towards him. He noticed that she was a Lieutenant like she was, and that her uniform was clearly that of a heavily decorated officer.

"I never imagined I would get to see the legendary Red Comet here, this is quite the honor." The woman bowed politely to him. "I'm Lieutenant Sophie Fran, a pilot in the Midnight Fenrir Corps."

Char nodded. "Kycillia's Specops Team, I've heard stories about your unit." He noticed her rank. "It's pleased to meet you as well, Lieutenant Fran."

"So, Char Aznavel," She said softly, "Would you care to dance?"

Char smirked, even with a mask and rumors of a grisly as all hell facial wound under it, women could not resist him, especially hot older women. "Of course, I can't see why I wouldn't."

* * *

As the Zeon and their unwilling hosts began dancing the night away, a stolen car with Arkansas plates pulled up into a parking spot. Behind the wheel of the car, Amuro shifted the car into park and turned it off. He then looked to his right at Sayla, and back at Hayato and Frau Bow. "Well, according to our intel, this is the place. Frau Bow you're going to be our wheelman, I need you to stay in the car, and when we grab the target and give the signal, pull up and meet us around the back of the manor."

Frau, who was six kinds of anxious, nodded. "All right, oh this is so exciting!"

Amuro looked over to Sayla. "Sayla, you're my muscle. If Garma tries to make a fight of this, knock him out."

"Tap to the head, got it." Sayla reached into the slit of the Chinese-style dress she wore and pulled out a knife before twirling it in her fingers. "All my training in self-defense will finally be put to use."

"Hayato, you're our gunman. See anybody try to stop us? Shoot 'em."

"I'm not too hot about going out there, now." Hayato immediately protested.

Amuro rolled his eyes. "Oh come on, they'll be reluctant to search you for weapons this way."

"But…!"

Amuro sighed. "You're the best shot out of the guys going in, the gun has low recoil and you're carrying plenty of magazines." He climbed out of the car, with Frau climbing over into the driver's seat. Sayla slipped her knife back into her thigh holster and got out next. "Furthermore…you actually look kind of cute."

Hayato climbed out of the car last, wearing a stylish southern-style gown, and hat. In one gloved hand, he carried a fan, and the other covered his face in embarrassment. "Just please don't tell Kai about this, it's bad enough as it is."

Smoothing out his tail suit, brushing some dirt off his shoulders, and adjusting his white tie, Amuro drew from his pocket a white domino mask and affixed it over his eyes. "Ladies…"

"Fuck you, man," Hayato snapped.

"…It's time to turn this into a Ballroom Blitz."

* * *

"I wonder how much longer I'll be able to see the moon like this," The Luggun pilot from earlier in the story said to his sensor officer as their plane crossed over Lake Pontchartrain and headed north to begin their next patrol in search of the Trojan Horse.

His buddy looked back from his sensors. "What do you mean?"

"You know, being up in the colony, when you look out at the moon you can see it in fine detail, and it's all craggy and desolate. But from down here, look at it man, it's just beautiful."

The sensor operator looked up out of the bubble canopy of the recon jet, and found himself agreeing as he gazed up at the waxing moon overhead. "You're right, it is beautiful."

"Anyway, we're entering the search area, keep an eye out for the Trojan Horse," He said, just as the sensor operator noticed the Minovsky Particle count skyrocket.

"What the? We're entering heavy minovsky interference now?" Out of the clouds ahead of them, came an unmistakable shape. "Oh God, look!"

They had found the Trojan Horse.

On the bridge, Bright sat in the Gendo Ikari pose, staring squarely at the Luggun as it barreled towards them. "All those who lay eyes on the White Base, shall not live to tell of it."

In the next instant, a burst of fire from Ryu's Core Fighter shredded the Luggun's cockpit, killing its pilots and ensuring that the white battleship's approach to the city remained undetected.

Back at the party, Garma and his lady love excused themselves to head to a secluded balcony, leaving Char to mingle with what would most assuredly be his conquest for the evening. They were by the open bar, enjoying mojitos. Well, a mojito for her, he had a nojito, which she noticed.

"Already had a bit?" She asked.

"Haven't had enough?" He coyly returned, prompting Sophie to giggle. "To be honest, I'm his highness's personal designated driver. Though I think he might try to stay the night here."

"How scandalous, he and Miss Eschonbach being…"

"Teenagers? Come on, you were one yourself not too long ago."

"I know but he's got to worry about his reputation, what would people say if he was so forward to a young woman, an Earther no less?"

Char smirked. "Garma's not the type to care about that sort of thing."

And neither was Icelina, given that they were standing out on the darkened patio, smoking cigarettes and looking out over the garden behind the mansion. Icelina was leaning against the hand-carved white wooden railing, smiling as she looked out the corner of her eye at Garma. "So those Zakus are here because of your big sister?"

"Yeah, it's such a pain in the ass. She wants me to be all on her side against Dozle and Gihren. Dozle sent me some Zakus as well, but they were wrecked on the way," Garma replied.

"Good riddance, those things have torn up the streets stomping around and the guys under you who keep saying they're going to fix it don't. I fucking hate the Zeon, Federation's not much better, though."

"Tomorrow, I'll have my men withdraw Zakus from the city. There's no need for them anywhere near civilians anyway."

Icelina turned around and leaned back against the railing, allowing Garma the opportunity to appraise her healthy curves. She smiled. "You're really too sweet, Garma."

"I know. Dozle will probably get on my case for 'leaving one of your cities undefended', while Gihren will be all 'an excellent political maneuver, but don't go too soft on those slow-witted fools, they may get ideas'." Garma had pulled off a spot-on impression of his older brothers, drawing laughter from his girlfriend.

Back at the front door, Amuro, Sayla, and Hayato entered the mansion and were immediately set upon by the party security, a pair of Zeon soldiers who looked bored out of their gourds. One carried a nasty looking carbine, and the other was unarmed save for his holstered sidearm. Mister Pistol held up his hands. "Alright, who are you? The party started an hour ago, doors are closed."

"My good sir," Amuro said with a perfect southern dandy drawl that surprised Hayato and Sayla, "I hope you are not barring myself and my lovely companions entry into your fine party."

"Can I have a name?" The guard asked.

"Darien Shields, of the South Carolina Shields, you may or may not have heard of us, we are the seventy-eighth richest family in all of Charleston. That may not seem like much, my good sir but the one-hundredth richest family in all of Charleston once rented an entire Space Colony for a week and called that a spur of the moment day trip."

The guard blinked. "For a week, but you said it was a day-."

"Let me finish sir, now I know I said they rented it for a week and went only on a day trip but that just goes to show you their wealth. It just sat there, for six days after, with its original occupants barred entry because it was still technically under lease."

"What dicks," Sir Rifle grumbled.

"Mind your language in the presence of a fine young lady sir, doubly-so in the presence of two. Yes, that family below our tier of wealth was quite rude but may I say that the Shields family has thought of nothing but altruistic uses for our incredible wealth. For example…" Amuro produced ten thousand dollars and slipped five grand into the pockets of each soldier. "…You gentlemen look like you're not paid well enough for this evening's work so I hope this goes a ways towards rectifying that."

The two soldiers look at the young man in complete surprise and as expected of doormen, who receive a hefty tip for their services, stepped aside. "Why, right this way Mr. Shields, you and your companions have a very nice evening."

"Thank you sirs, thank you very much." Amuro held his arms out, with Hayato and Sayla taking them before he led them in to the party.

Hayato covered his mouth with the fan as he leaned close to Amuro to whisper, "Where the hell did you get all of that money?"

"Allowance from Dad, he says it's something I should always keep on me if I have to disappear without warning," Amuro whispered back.

Sayla nodded in agreement. "That sounds about right…" She then saw Char by the open bar. "Oh shit, oh shit…what's he doing here?"

"He won't recognize you. But just in case, stay away from the bar." Amuro reassured her. After all, she was wearing hair extensions and a domino mask like he was.

He looked to Hayato. "Go cover the entrance, alright?"

"Got it." Hayato saw that people were hanging out on the balcony overlooking the dance floor, and decided that would be the perfect place to start raining lead on people if it came to it. Nodding to Amuro, he released his arm and headed up the stairs with surprising poise, despite never having worn heels and a skirt before.

Amuro glanced to Sayla and whispered. "I'm impressed. We've got next to no intel, no knowledge of enemy movements or strength, and here we are…about to pull off the most daring act of the war."

"You'd think this was a trap or something." Sayla looked at the clock on the wall. "Our ride will be here soon, so let's get him and go."

Outside and around the corner, Frau Bow was sitting on the hood of the car, playing a game on her cell phone. "Get in the ball, you stupid…"

"Dear look at that," A gentle-voiced woman spoke behind her.

"I see. Young lady are you lost?" A gentlemanly voice then called to her.

"Eh?" Frau looked back to see a mustachioed gentleman in his mid-30s, wearing a dark blue Zeon uniform, accompanied by a lovely blonde woman, also in a Zeon uniform.

Fuck at least sixteen species of duck, thought Frau. "Lost? No, no-no-no-no-no…this is my car, I'm just sitting here, waiting for my friends and playing some Pocket Monster."

"Well I hope your friends will be along soon, it's close to curfew," The man said as he studied Frau's features…just in case he needed to recall them later.

That was right! Zeon controlled territories had a 2100 hours curfew, and the party started at 2000 hours. "Oh, they'll be back soon enough."

The man couldn't help but notice, she was anxious about something. That was obvious, she wanted them to leave, and now he was curious as to why. Clearly it was time to play some mind games and see if she revealed something interesting. "If you like, we can help you. Where are your friends? We can tell them you're waiting for them."

Seventeen species of duck, at the very least. "I'd really rather not…say."

Oh yes, she was hiding something. What could her friends be doing? "Oh?" He laughed. "Not up to any nefarious activities, are you?"

Laugh with him, laugh with him. "Oh goodness no, in this city, with a big old Zaku standing around the corner? I'd have to be crazy."

The man looked to his companion who nodded. That laugh was just a tad bit too nervous. He then stepped closer to the car, putting himself between the girl and the driver's side door. Frau noticed this, and just went straight to twenty species of duck. Fuck 'em.

"Would your friends be up to anything suspicious?" He went straight to the point. "I noticed that this car has plates from another state, and a young lady like you out this late is unusual."

Oh God, she was screwed, she was screwed. She was too young to be thrown in a jail, put up for a Kangaroo court, and then shot dead by a firing squad. She needed to think, and think fast, and since she was in New Orleans, party capital of the world (in February at least), she went for the one thing she could think of.

"…W-we…we're here to buy weed…" She closed her eyes tightly, like she'd just confessed to stealing from the store to her mother.

The man and his lovely companion looked to each other, and then burst into laughter. The man shook his head. "Is that all? Lady Hamon, did you hear that?"

"Kids will never change, no matter the era, dear," The woman said to her beau.

The man then looked to Frau Bow. "A pretty young lady should be careful waiting up for your friends like this. Stay safe and out of trouble."

He reached into his pocket and handed Frau Bow a bag. She looked down at it, and then back to the man wide-eyed. He winked to her. "But not too much trouble, it's always nice to have a bit of fun while you're young."

The man turned and his beau took his arm as they walked away down the street. Frau blinked a few times, and then looked down at the bag. For a little bit she was very quiet as she tried to wrap her head around what just happened.

"…A Zeon officer just gave me a bag of weed."

Back inside, Sayla had separated from Amuro, and was quietly and discreetly watching the man who was the Red Comet, as he chatted up some older bleach job Zeon skank. Since their encounter in Side Seven, she'd been wondering if that man, Char Aznavel, was her long lost brother, Casval. Now that she was here, she found herself an opportunity to study the man.

"That blonde over there in the mask, she's been watching you for a little bit now," Sophie said.

Char didn't look directly; he glanced towards the mirror behind the bar, and caught sight of Sayla watching him out the corner of her eye. He had to admit, she was quite fine.

Sophie then spoke, "She's rather attractive, are you interested?"

Char hummed, not giving an answer either way. Sophie gave him a saucy look, and sipped from her mojito. "I am."

"How much have you had to drink?" Char asked.

"How much do you need to drink to be up for the idea?" Sophie responded.

Char gave her a dead serious look that did not convey well due to the mask. "None."

Up on the overlooking balcony, Hayato was a wallflower. Why did he come up here? The ladies were all commenting on his dress and trying to initiate conversation, forcing him to shyly hide his face to keep from blowing his cover. While he was thankful for his looks allowing to fool some of them, it was only a matter of time before someone came along and realized he was a teenaged boy dressed as a woman.

Or worse than that, someone would realize it and _not care_.

Sadly, what was worst of all occurred, as a large figure made its way up the stairs, and made eye contact with him. Ensign Dren, who had succumbed to his boredom and had one too many, had noticed Hayato from downstairs and came up specifically to talk to him.

"Hello, Miss," He said politely and clearly but the flush across his face told it all, "I couldn't help but notice you from across the room."

Hayato cursed this cruel world for making him the butt of everything's joke. Where the hell was Amuro with the signal!

Down on the balcony outside, Amuro was leaning against the railing with Garma and Icelina, bumming a cigarette off them. "Twin 1887s, huh? Yeah, that shit is terribly OP."

"Yeah, there hasn't been a patch for it because of the war. 1887 whores and USAS fuckers lead the holocaust," Icelina said. "I just play Pocket Monster now."

"My friend is obsessed with that game, you'd get along," Amuro admitted.

Garma blew some smoke from his lips. "I can't believe you're Zero-sen, number one on the leader boards, how'd you do that so quick?" Garma looked a bit disgusted at the thought. "Do you boost?"

"Hell no, if you want to get your rank up fast, there's only one mode to go to," Amuro replied. "Team Deathmatch."

"Team Deathmatch?" Icelina asked.

"Team Deathmatch," Amuro replied with a nod.

Garma hummed and nodded. "Team Deathmatch."

Amuro nodded again. "Team Deathmatch." He took a drag off his cigarette.

And then a man with purple eyes shouted from the garden's shadows. "THAT SHIT'S NOT COOL!"

Sophie left Char and made her way over to Sayla, who raised an eyebrow at the Zeon woman's approach. Putting on a friendly smile, Sophie took a sip of her drink. "We've been noticing you watching us."

"Well, he is the Red Comet, I was just curious about what was under the mask," Sayla replied.

Sophie stepped closer to Sayla. "I was about to find that out myself, tonight, would you like to join me to see as well? I'm sure there a lot we could learn."

Wow, she could smell the minty fresh rum all over her breath this close. Sadly, Sayla was not drunk enough to consider a threesome, especially not with the man who could possibly be her big brother. "Tempting, but threesomes aren't my thing."

Sophie looked a little disappointed, glanced back at Char briefly, and then returned her attention to Sayla. "Well then, how about you and I just have fun?"

Wow, this was actually happening. Sayla honestly didn't know what to say. "Wow, that's really flattering."

Hayato was dumbstruck, was that really hot chick hitting on Sayla? Damn it, why didn't he stay down there? He had his own concerns, like this disgusting fat bastard continuing to hit on him.

"You know, I'm the assistant to the Red Comet," Dren said as he threatened to drape an arm across Hayato's shoulders. "I could show and tell you things you couldn't imagine."

Hayato was sure he could, and that made him want to cry. "Ah…my, sir, do you think you're being a little forward? We've just met and this is such a large party with so much going on."

Dren blinked and then stared at Hayato. "My lady, your voice…"

Oh God, he was found out.

"…It's so soft, it's rather beautiful."

Oh God, he was going to be sick. "I…I have to go…now."

He turned to get away, when Dren all but glomped him and pulled him close. Tilting his head up by his chin, Dren stared into Hayato's eyes. "I want to go where you are."

Don't make a scene, Hayato. Don't make a scene, Hayato. Don't make a scene, Hayato. Don't make a scene, Hayato. Don't make a scene, Hayato. Don't make a scene, Hayato. Don't make a scene, Hayato.

Dren then drunkenly grabbed Hayato's butt and gave it a healthy squeeze. He then whispered, "I want you to be my woman."

Fire flashing to life in his eyes, Hayato grabbed Dren by the face, and letting out a berserker's yell he slammed him headfirst into the floor, the Zeon officer's helmet absorbing the majority of the impact that shattered the wooden planking under it.

Standing up, and panting heavily, Hayato stopped when he realized that everyone in the ballroom was staring at him in surprise.

Downstairs, Sayla palmed her face. "Oh, God damn it."

Hayato quickly opened his fan to hide his face and his embarrased flush. "Th-that man just groped me," He said weakly.

There was a flash in the distance and then a few seconds later a massive boom echoed over the city. Garma, Amuro, and Icelina looked towards it.

"What was that?" Icelina asked.

That was the signal that meant that the White Base would be over the city in the next five minutes, which meant that it was time to get this shit underway. Amuro looked to Garma. "I think it's…time for you to take a trip!"

He shoved Garma over the railing, and jumped over himself. With a yelp of fright, Garma fell into the bushes and rolled over just in time for Amuro to land over him and shove the barrel of a gun into his mouth, causing him to go wide-eyed.

"Don't make a sound, I'm not going to hurt you, this is just a kidnapping," He said quickly. Much to his surprise, all the fight left Garma immediately. Huh, this was going to be easier than he thought. In his free hand, he pulled out a smart phone and quickly sent out a text message.

Back in the party, Hayato and Sayla felt the phones they carried under their clothes silently vibrate. Outside, Frau Bow heard her phone suddenly yell "PARTY ROCK!" as the unmistakable roar of the White Base's engines began to fill the air over New Orleans.

The growing din became obvious to the occupants of the party, as Char set down his Nojito. "What the hell is that? A Gaw?"

At that moment, a Zeon soldier came charging into the room in a panic. "Lieutenant Char! It's an emergency!"

Char looked to the man. "What is it?"

"The Trojan Horse just attacked the airport, and destroyed the Gaws on the ground! It's headed this way!"

Char's mouth fell, and for a full five seconds he stood there gobsmacked. "What."

"Where's the Captain?" The soldier asked.

Hayato looked to Sayla, who nodded and grabbed the likewise dumbstruck Sophie by her shoulders. When Sophie looked at Sayla, she took a devastating headbutt to the face and was sent to the ground with blood spraying from her nose. The impact knocked her mask off, as Char turned to look towards her.

Char's hidden eyes widened when he saw Sayla's face. It was Artesia, which meant–oh shit, they were here. "You!"

There were screams as Hayato suddenly pulled a submachine gun rom under his skirt, took aim, and fired over the heads of the folks on the first floor, forcing everyone to the floor. Jumping onto the banister, he slid down to the dance floor and followed Sayla for the balcony where Amuro had gone after Garma.

Char got back up and drew his pistol, but another burst of fire from Hayato suppressed him. "Damn it, they're going after Garma! Get them!" He yelled to the other soldiers in the room.

Outside, Icelina jumped down to the ground as Amuro pulled Garma to his feet and kept him at gunpoint. Amuro looked back at her. "You might want to get out of the way."

"Wait, are you with the resistance? Are you insane?" She demanded as Hayato and Sayla vaulted over the balcony's railing and ran past.

Amuro smiled back as the lights in the darkened back yard came on. "Yes!"

He looked up as Char and the doormen came out and pointed their weapons down at him. Pulling Garma in front of him, Amuro pressed the barrel of his pistol under his chin. "Lower your weapons or I ventilate your Prince's skull."

Char immediately recognized that voice, and his mouth fell open again. That was the pilot of that God damned white mobile suit!

"Do as he says, you idiots!" Garma quickly ordered. "Or do you want to answer to my father personally when this psychopath blows my brains out?"

"But Captain!" One of the soldiers shouted.

"Follow your damn orders for once, put your weapons down! Char, keep Icelina safe!" Garma shouted as Amuro dragged Garma out to the back gate of the manor, just as Frau Bow pulled up outside.

Sayla opened the back door and dived in, with Amuro hauling Garma over and shoving him in before Hayato followed. Jumping into the front passenger seat, Amuro slapped Frau on the shoulder. "Go! Go! Go!"

"I know, I know!" Frau shouted as she floored it, the car's tires squealing as it left the curb and raced down the street.

Watching the car peel away, Char dropped his pistol, his entire body feeling numb. "The Trojan Horse just kidnapped Prince Garma."

No, he wasn't going to ask how this could get worse, because he was certain that at any moment it was going to anyway. It sure did, when Ryu's Core Fighter dove in and dropped a missile into the cockpit of one of the Zaku II J-Types that was moving to try to stop the car, sending it topping over with a loud crash. "…Yep."

"That Federation BITCH!" A furious voice growled behind Char, and he looked back to see Sophie, blood all over the lower half of her face and her expression twisted to one of blood-thirsty rage mixed with maniacal glee. "I'm going to skin her alive and pour salt all over her wounds!"

On the bright side, he'd definitely dodged a whole different bullet.

* * *

Two blocks over, Frau skidded the car to a halt, and quickly switched seats with Amuro, who handed her his gun before buckling in and picking up where she left off, racing down through the maze of New Orleans streets for their rendezvous point. Even as they weaved around corners and through intersections, they could hear and feel the thuds of the remaining Zakus rumbling after them in pursuit.

"Oh my God, I can't believe we pulled that off!" Frau was borderline hysterical, all of them were.

Amuro let out a laugh. "Bright, man, you're a fucking genius."

Garma looked around the car, and was shocked to find that he was likely the oldest person in the car. Did he get kidnapped by an elite team of Federation child super soldiers or something?

There was a loud crash behind him, as one of the Zakus landed its booster assisted jump over several buildings and began running after them. In the cockpit, the pilot, Midnight Fenrir Corps Ensign Nikki Roberto identified the car.

"This is Ensign Roberto, I've sighted the getaway car, it might be heading for the Lake Pontchartrain Causeway!" He quickly radioed.

The voice of the Midnight Fenrir Corps operator, Ensign Charlotte Hepner answered. "Lieutenant Roher's Zaku took a hit, he's been injured! You're going to have to lead the pursuit, the Federation's Trojan Horse is heading for the bridge, don't let that car get there!"

"Understood!" Roberto responded as he sped up, the lumbering Zaku easily keeping up with the speedy four-door sedan.

"Zaku! Zaku! Zaku!" Frau screamed as the MS quickly began to close the distance.

Amuro just turned a corner. "Ryu's got it!"

Sure enough, Ryu rolled in and strafed the back of Roberto's Zaku, the 20mm rounds doing little against the thick hide of the Zaku, but the missile it fired hitting its left leg below the knee, causing it to fall forward onto its face with a crash. Pulling out of the dive, Ryu went into a climb and rolled over to take a quick tally of the forces on the ground. There were four more Zakus quickly trying to converge on the fleeing car.

"Shit man, I don't have enough missiles." He called up the White Base. "Jefe, I'm going to need some fire support!"

Bright nodded. "Just cover the getaway best you can. We'll be ready for any Zakus at the rendezvous."

"You got it," Ryu said before he was alerted to new threats. "Oh great, Dopps."

The DFA-03 Dopp, with its lifting body, gull wings, and high performance engines was initially a nightmare to Federation Fighter pilots. However, for all of its agility it, like the previously mentioned Luggun were both the result of Zeon design, and Zeon designers after living so long in a sealed, man-controlled environment, were a little out of touch in the field of aerodynamics–especially in regards to air to air combat.

"Time to show the slow-witted people of space how much we've learned since this war started." Ryu said as he turned and engaged the Dopps.

Back on the ground, a squad car of the New Orleans police department was parked in front of a coffee shop, its occupants enjoying bottled water and bagels, because their Zeon overlords deemed that coffee and donuts were too good for the fat and heavy Earth elite and enacted some ass-backward dietary plan to keep them "Spacenoid Fit".

The radio then began speaking, "This is an APB, all units, be on the look out for a red four door '78 Anaheim Buffalo with license plate number XGP 15A2, last seen heading towards the Lake Pontchartrain Causeway. Approach with caution, Garma Zabi has just been kidnapped, and the kidnappers are to be considered armed and very dangerous."

At that moment, the getaway car flew by, heading the opposite direction the car was pointed. Both cops looked at the car, then at their drab bagels and bottled water, before the driver of the squad car picked up his radio. "This is Car 2, we haven't seen it, but we'll keep an eye out for it."

A Zaku II then hurtled over their squad car, and kept stomping after the car as it pulled onto the highway leading to the causeway.

With nothing but a straight shot in front of him, Amuro put the pedal to the floor, sending the car easily over 160 kilometers per hour. The Zaku II quickly fell behind them, unable to keep up with the faster car.

"White Base, we're approaching the rendezvous and we've lost our pursuers," Amuro reported as Hayato looked back towards the Zaku as it started performing rocket boosted jumps to try to catch up.

"Good, Ryu's dealing with fighter screen, we're already coming into position to pick you up," Bright answered as he watched the White Base descend towards the other end of the causeway. "Mirai, open the hatch and prepare to let them in."

"Aye sir!" Mirai responded.

Back down on the ground, Amuro thanked Zeon's curfew for leaving the roads empty, as he simply floored it and sent the high performance car leaping past 290 kilometers per hour. The whole car was shaking from the speed as much as the Zaku constantly landing and jumping in a vain effort to keep up.

"Amuro, have you ever driven this fast before?" Frau said as she buckled herself in and held on to the dashboard and the door handle.

"Not in a car, no!" Amuro called back.

Hayato was oddly calm as they drove along. "Well, at least it'll be quick."

Sayla nodded in agreement. "Yeah."

A spotlight then shone down on the car, and another. Frau tried to look up towards their source on her side, and went wide-eyed as she saw what it was. "Uh, Amuro…? Did you know the Zeon had attack helicopters?"

"There's two of them, aren't there?" Amuro asked.

"Yes."

"They're about to fire warning shots at us?"

"You betcha."

Amuro narrowed his eyes. "Bring it on."

Both helicopters opened fire, their chin turrets shooting at the water on either side of the causeway, sending water splashing onto the road in front of them. A clever maneuver, Amuro realized as even on a straight away, a slick road was the last thing you wanted to be going this fast on. There was only one recourse, try to go faster than the geysers, and he sent the car approaching the redline as he accelerated past 300 kilometers per hour.

"Man look at that thing go, is that a Buffalo?" The gunner of the attack helicopter asked.

"They're not going to stop, quick, target the causeway with missiles, but give them room to stop!" The chopper's pilot ordered.

"Understood!"

From the stubby wings of the coaxial rotor attack helos, wire-guided missiles launched and raced far ahead towards the causeway. Seeing this, Amuro began shaking his head. "Oh shit, oh shit, oh shit!"

The missiles hit, creating a huge explosion and destroying the road bridge completely. Releasing the gas, Amuro let the car coast, and then began pumping the brakes carefully to bring the car down slowly, before slamming the brakes altogether and swerving to a halt a hundred yards short of the destroyed section of the bridge.

"Shit, now what do we do?" Hayato asked as he looked back to see that one Zaku quickly start catching up.

Frau looked out the window and saw beyond the spotlight of the circling helicopters, the ominous glow of more mono-eyes. Char's Zaku and two more of the J-Types were making their way through the shallow lake towards their position. She looked towards Amuro, frightened. "Amuro!"

Amuro took a deep breath, and looked back at Garma. "So, why do you want to come with us?"

Everyone else in the car looked at Garma in surprise; Garma himself was surprised to see that Amuro had seen through him so easily. "How did you–?"

"I've done this before, and usually when people don't want to be taken anywhere against their will, even with a gun pointed at them, they put up a fight or try to make this as difficult for their kidnappers as possible, you've been downright polite through all this."

"You've done this before?" Hayato asked Amuro.

"Long story," Amuro brushed off. "So, before we get out of here. Why?"

Garma looked down and shook his head. "I have my reasons, but I'm not defecting. So don't think for a second that this is anything other than a kidnapping and a hostage situation, understand?"

Amuro nodded, and then looked out towards where he could now clearly see Char's Zaku in the dark. "Huh, he's got a new arm and everything for that thing. And me without my Gundam."

In the cockpit of his Zaku, Char watched the parked car with interest. "So, what are you going to do now, kid? It's the end of the road, and your ship's not going to risk firing its weapons towards you."

After all, the kid was that suit's pilot, and if he was here there was no one else to use the Gundam. The only thing they had left was that tank thing, and it was no good for this either. They'd need precision, like that beam rifle.

Then the unthinkable, a bright pink flash of light from just in front of the White Base became the unmistakable ray of a beam rifle shot as it lanced through one of the helicopters, blowing it apart, a second shot followed, destroying the other helicopter before it could react.

Char recoiled. "What, the white mobile suit!"

In the Zaku at his flank, Sophie had already spotted their attacker. "No, it's not! I've seen this before, it's the Federation's other suit!"

Its blue visor shining brightly, the bright red RX-77-2 Guncannon targeted the Zakus in the lake and opened fire with its two shoulder-mounted 240mm cannons, the shells hurtling over the Zakus and exploding, sending shrapnel raining down on them.

"White Base, moving forward!" Mirai declared from the helm of the ship, as the Guncannon targeted the Zaku up on the causeway itself, firing another beam rifle shot that tore off one of its arms.

"All main guns, suppress those Zakus in the lake!" Bright demanded.

The White Base opened fire this time, its Mega Particle Cannons unleashing rays of death that the Zakus quickly found themselves withdrawing from. Char swore loudly. "Get back, we're too exposed out here!"

"Yes sir!" Sophie and the other Zaku pilot called as they turned tail from the vicious assault of the ship.

With precision befitting a helicopter more than a massive warship, the White Base carefully lowered half of its body onto the bridge, allowing the open catapult to rest in front of the getaway car. Bright shook his head, as he watched the car turn and pull up onto the ship. "Amuro Ray, I think you may be my new God."

"I'm your own personal Jesus, Bright. The target is secure, and we're back on board, Operation Gumbo Z'eon, is complete."

"Understood, Guncannon, get back aboard the ship. Ryu, disengage and get out of the airspace, we'll meet you at a safe altitude for pickup."

As another Dopp was downed by the smaller and faster Core Fighter, Ryu nodded. "Roger jefe, I'm buggin' out."

Disengaging from the remaining Dopps, the Core Fighter went into full afterburn and began ascending high and away from the city, the slower Dopps helpless to keep up. As the Guncannon landed on the other catapult deck, the White Base too pointed its bow to the sky and began a grand ascent, passing directly over the city itself in a slow climbing bank.

Climbing out of his Zaku as it knelt down on the shore of the lake, Char looked up at the banking White Base. Taking off his helmet, he threw it to the ground and shook his head. He was furious, not for the fact that he had allowed Garma to fall into enemy hands, but truly for the fact that he had been outsmarted yet again and the blame for all of this would fall squarely on his shoulders.

This was going to look very bad for his plans.

In the streets and on rooftops in the city, the citizens of New Orleans came out, drawn by the roar, and they could only gawk at the ship none of them had ever seen before, ascending skyward.

"What is that thing, a UFO?" The father of a family standing in front of his house asked.

On the roof of an apartment building, an amateur photographer was snapping pictures of it. "It doesn't look like a Zeon ship or Federation for that matter, wow!"

A little girl watching from the window of her house with her mother was in awe. "It looks like a pegasus!"

"It's so beautiful…" Her mother said.

The couple that Frau had run into were also watching, suitably impressed by the ship. "So that's the Trojan Horse. Magnificent, don't you agree?" The man asked his companion.

"Yes dear," She replied.

In the yard of the manor, Icelina clasped her hands to her chest, and nodded as the ship completed its bank and accelerated off into the night sky. Hopefully, Garma was safe, and then she'd be joining him aboard that strange and magnificent ship.

After properly securing the car that Amuro had found himself rather attached to, the victorious away team and their target went to the bridge of the White Base, where they were greeted with cheers from the crew and some of the passengers. Bright himself got up from his seat and shook Amuro's hand heartily, while patting him roughly on the back.

"God damn, kid, just God damn." He looked to Garma, who had been properly handcuffed, and shook his head in disbelief. "We actually did it, we captured Garma Zabi."

Words could not describe how fucking stoked Bright was. All the same, words could not describe how baffled Lieutenant Reed was.

"You kids, you just drove down there and snagged him, and now we're leaving the airspace unopposed. This…this is a God damn one in a billion shot. Teams of Federation soldiers with months of planning couldn't pull what you did."

Garma agreed. "How exactly did you pull this off?"

"Far as you knew, we were on the ropes and desperate," Bright explained. "We were, so we went all or nothing, attacking the one way you probably didn't expect. Or did, but figured it was improbable to the point of impossible. It worked out, your Gaws were caught on the ground because you were, the rest of your forces were otherwise spread out searching for our possible escape routes, not expecting us to come straight at you, and you've held this city so long and with such supremacy that your soldiers here on the ground were complacent."

Garma stared at Bright wide-eyed. "Are you some kind of tactical genius?"

"I'm just incredibly lucky," Bright replied, before he addressed his crew, "We all were. I'm going to go on the record to say that while everything went perfectly for us tonight, it was only because the stars were right, the wind was at our backs, and all the pieces had fallen into place. Had even the slightest thing gone wrong, even the tiniest detail, this would've ended in a disaster for all of us."

The festive mood was subdued by Bright's words, as he continued, "Raids like this, daring gambles, they're not our bread and butter. Eventually our luck will run out on something, so don't get cocky because this worked out. If we're all going to win and survive, all of us, it'll be because of what we're capable of more than just our luck."

The more that Garma looked around, the more that he realized that this wasn't so much a crew but a bunch of kids, his age and younger. Who were these people, where did the Federation find them? Most importantly, what were they on, and where could he get some?

As the crew agreed with Bright's foreboding speech, Sayla sat down at her station and called over, "Ryu's back on board."

Bright nodded. "Good, Mirai, broadcast Minovsky Particles and take us high and fast for the Rockies. I want to see mountains out my window when I wake up tomorrow."

"So, I have to know, who was in the Guncannon, Job John?" Hayato asked. He had forgotten to remove his dress in the excitement.

Amuro blinked. "Who the hell is Job John?"

"It wasn't Job John, he can't shoot for shit." Kai's voice made Hayato's blood run cold, and he slowly turned to look back at Kai, who was leaning against the doorway leading out of the bridge, dressed in a normal suit. "Nice dress there, Scarlett, did you have a nice time at the ball?"

"S-shut the fuck up, Kai!" Hayato yelled at him.

"Hey now, don't be so rude to your hero of the day." Kai then walked up to Amuro and gave him a dangerous smile. "You did see that, right? I can pilot a Mobile Suit now, too."

Amuro returned the smile, as Bright began informing Garma of his rights as a prisoner of war. He then spoke, "Frankly my dear, I don't give a damn."

Kai's smile vanished, and he turned away from him to head off the bridge. "You're welcome for the save."

As Kai left, Amuro simply fell back onto his butt, fatigue finally catching up with him as he looked out the windows of the White Base and at the starry sky overhead. With her station taken care of by another crew member, Sayla walked over to Amuro and sat down with him, wrapping her arms around him tightly and resting her head on his shoulder.

"You're amazing, you know that?" She asked.

"We all are," Amuro said, "But yeah, me especially."

Sayla laughed tiredly.

As Amuro and Sayla cuddled on the deck, a surprised Bright stared at Garma; he had just made a rather stunning revelation. "Run that by me again?"

"…I said I wanted to thank you, Ensign Noa. You saved me a lot of trouble by getting me away from the Zeon, but now I need your help," Garma said.

Bright continued to stare at him. "What help do you need?"

"There's only so long that Char can protect her, but I need you to help me rescue my fiancée, before I even consider defecting to your side."

* * *

A/N: And with that, we're officially off the rails. Now nothing in this series is sacred.


	4. Rocky Road Rage

Disclaimer: This is a non-profit fan-based parody. Mobile Suit Gundam belongs to the AGEs.

**Mobile Suit Gundam: Gran Tomino**  
Rocky Road Rage

_I got bored with messing with the number fourmat, so here we go._

**[4.]**

Jaburo, the massive underground complex hidden literally in the depths of the South American jungle was the nexus of the Federation and their plans for their huge counterattack against the Zeon Occupation Force, Operation Odessa. However, a great shadow hung over the planners and strategists overseeing the immense and intricate effort: the cornerstone to the Federation's top secret Operation V, the White Base and her complement of high performance prototype Mobile Suits, had fallen to Earth over Zeon territory and there'd been no sign nor sound of them for over a week since.

Fears were running high that the Zeon had managed to destroy, or worse capture, the ship. With that wealth of technology and their stranglehold on the very resources that Operation Odessa was geared to take back, some feared that the war was going to be completely lost before the great battle could even begin.

Far away, on the other side of the Moon, was Side 3, a large cluster of O'Neill "Closed Type" Colonies that boasted the largest space borne population in the Earth Sphere since about January 3rd, 0079. It was here, in the heart of Zeon's capital, that the supreme ruler of the Zeon himself, Degwin Sodo Zabi, was overcome with an ill omen. He woke up with a fright, having dreamed of white mobile suits, genetically engineered humans, and robotic birds–with a great deal of homoerotic subtext that just downright troubled him.

Degwin Zabi was a superstitious man, believing in such silly things as karma, ghosts, and Newtypes, and so as he completed his morning routine and sat down atop his throne overseeing his spacenoid empire, he knew that he was going to be dealt tragic news.

On Earth, Earth Federation Supreme Commander General Revil was enjoying a fine cigar and the company of a fine woman when a young lieutenant entered his office at Jaburo. "General Revil, I'm sorry to interrupt, but it is important."

Revil looked up from the game of chess he was playing with the bright red-haired woman seated across his desk, also enjoying a cigar. "Just a moment, Miss Mackenzie."

"You have three minutes to move, General," The young woman replied cheekily.

Revil moved a chess piece and stood, before standing up to face the Lieutenant. "What is it, young man?"

Up in space, Degwin was facing a similar situation, as a rather shaken Lieutenant rushed to him, apparently something involving a Youtube video. "Youtube? What's happened, tell me immediately."

"Sir, you may want to come to the war room and see it for yourself." The Zeon Lieutenant said, as he turned towards the double doors that led to Degwin's throne room. Rising from his throne, Degwin picked up his cane and followed the man out.

Down in Jaburo, Revil followed his Lieutenant into the main command center of Jaburo, followed by the lovely and curious redhead, who was naturally drawn by the rather hectic nature surrounding whatever was going on.

At precisely the same moment, General Revil and Degwin Zabi entered their respective command centers, where dozens of planners and strategists and their assistants stared up at the broad monitors showing a black screen with the familiar borders of a full-screen Youtube player.

"Well then, I'm here," Revil said.

"Show me exactly what this is all about," Ordered Degwin.

The video began to play, and the very first thing it showed was Bright Noa, sitting at a heavy oak desk with his hands folded before his mouth. Nodding to the person behind the camera, he addressed his audience. "This is an announcement for all of mankind who has been raised in the Colony Cluster of Side 3. We are The Trojan Horse. We are the Earth Federation military force that is in possession of the youngest son of Degwin Sodo Zabi, Garma."

Revil's cigar dropped from his mouth, while up in Side 3, Degwin let his cane fall to the floor when Garma Zabi, sitting seiza and staring directly at the camera under armed guard in an empty room, appeared on the screen. The camera showed various shots and angles of him, to ensure there was no mistaking who it was to all watching the video.

"The Trojan Horse's goal is to eradicate all Zeon forces on the planet," Bright spoke, as the screen displayed him at his desk once more. "We have the resources, the know-how, and the technological superiority to strike anywhere, anytime, and at any target. Not even the hierarchy of the Zabi family itself is safe from us."

Between the Earth and Side 3 lay the Space Fortress Solomon, where Admiral Dozle Zabi punched his fist through his own desk as he watched the video. His face was a darkened with rage. In her own office on the lunar city of Granada, an equally aghast Kycilia Zabi was demanding confirmation of the veracity of the video even as it played out in front of her.

"This is our official proclamation to all of mankind serving the Zabi family, and the Zeon forces that lay siege to Earth: Political figures, soldiers, supply lines, bases, even fleets." The image switched back to Garma, showing him again to ensure that the point was driven home as Bright continued speaking. "No matter the target, The Trojan Horse will seek out and eliminate them by any means necessary. Any forces that you attempt to bring to bear against us, will be met with overwhelming strength and annihilated."

"What in God's green Earth is this?" General Revil asked.

Around him, those who had already seen the video multiple times before, were stunned as if they'd just seen it for the first time. Far away, as Luna II underwent its much needed repairs, Commodore Wakkein could only tip his hat to Bright, and just shook his head. Captain Cassius would be proud, even as he stomped a mud hole in Bright's face for this stunt.

The shot returned to a close-up of Bright's face, ensuring no one would forget that either. "We are The Trojan Horse; we exist to eradicate all Zeon forces on the planet."

The screen finally showed a single image, of the traditional Earth Federation Space Forces Symbol, the cross over the crescent, except with a pair of Pegasus wings in the place of the arms, and a horse's head in place of the cross's top point. The video then stopped, showing various related videos for viewers to possibly enjoy featuring kittens, people falling down, and some crap pop song covers.

"Those people…The Trojan Horse…" Miss Mackenzie whispered in awe. She jumped when she heard General Revil laugh boisterously, everyone in the command center jumped.

"Those kids are something else." Wakkein had told him in great detail the stunt they pulled at Luna II, and now they've gone and topped that and any other stunt that any other force in the Federation could hope to pull. "They've kidnapped Degwin's baby boy, and now they've gone and shouted to the entirety of the Zeon 'Come at me, bro'. The Zeon are going to come at them, too! In droves! By the God damned Gaw-full."

He then turned gave an order. "Get me the second craziest son of a bitch in the Federation on the line, we have to support our boys aboard the White Base! Right now, the Zeon are likely mobilizing every force they have to ream them one good and proper!"

He was right, because Degwin Zabi was already bellowing orders to his terrified subordinates. "I want Zeon's absolute best ready to deploy immediately! Rescuing my son takes full priority above all else!"

A soldier tried to calm him down. "S-sir, we don't know if that's actually Garma–."

"YOU DON'T THINK I RECOGNIZE MY OWN SON?"

* * *

Down in New Orleans, even as the fires of the burning Gaw Attack Carriers were still being put out, another bearing the markings of Garma Zabi's personal ship was landing on the runway, having been spared destruction by being at the Zeon-controlled Cape Canaveral base. Waiting in front of the terminal was Char Aznavel, his subordinate Dren, and members of the elite Midnight Fenrir Corps. Accompanying the Zeon soldiers was Icelina, who stood close by Char as the Gaw touched down and rolled to a halt.

"While it initially had no weapons, the boys at Cape Canaveral were able to have it hastily converted to combat readiness. The extra armor, however limit its carrying capacity to only one Mobile Suit and four Dopps," Dren explained to Char. "More Gaw will have to arrive in order to pick up the other Suits."

Char nodded slowly, and turned to face the commanding officer of the Midnight Fenrir, Lieutenant Commander Gerhart Schmitzer, an imposing man with a Clint Eastwood-esque look (and voice) and a noticeable limp in his step from the cybernetic leg that replaced his right. He saluted his superior, who was joined by the Midnight Fenrir's communications officer, Ensign Charlotte Heppner.

"Lieutenant Commander, I apologize for the delays, and for the loss of your Gaws," Char said after delivering a salute.

"It can't be helped, the Trojan Horse caught us completely off guard and they punished us for it. We just have to punish them for their audacity in turn." Schmitzer, a well grounded and consummately professional soldier, had been greatly impressed by the simplicity of the Trojan Horse's attack and how it exploited Zeon's numerous failures to literally walk in and then walk out with Garma. It was luck, and nothing else that allowed their mission to succeed, and he suspected they knew that as well as he did.

"According to reports, the Trojan Horse was sighted over Kansas, and is making a bee-line for the Rockies," Ensign Heppner reported to Char when Schmitzer nodded to her. "It's likely they're going to use them and the high concentrations of Minovsky Particles to try to reach the Pacific Ocean."

Char loved redheads, especially cute ones, but he wasn't going to act unprofessionally towards this one. After all, Sophie was standing right there. She didn't look bat-shit crazy like she did yesterday, at least. "Lieutenant Commander, may I suggest an all out pursuit and attack on the Trojan Horse, with the intention of disabling it so a ground team may capture the ship and retrieve Garma?"

"A good suggestion," Schmitzer replied as another, much larger ship slowly came into view. "It will be a pincer attack operation that will require at the very least eight Gaws and as many Zakus and Dopps they can carry."

Char looked up at the large ship approaching, and realized that it was a Zanzibar-class. "A Zanzibar, Ramba Ral's I presume."

"That's correct," Announced the man known as the Great Blue Star as he arrived with his ever present and ever lovely assistant Crowley Hamon at his side. Char looked at Crowley, and then at Charlotte, and then at Dren…he made a note that the moment he got rid of Dren to get himself a cute assistant. Yeah a redhead like Kycilia, sweet sexy Kycilia.

"Sir, you're daydreaming about something again," Dren noted as a line of drool ran down from the corner of Char's mouth.

Schmitzer and Ramba glanced to each other, having the same thought about these damn kids.

Char regained his composure. "We should be getting into the air, right away, gentlemen. Lieutenant Commander Schmitzer, Lieutenant Commander Ral, I entrust command of this operation to your age and experience."

"Of course." Schmitzer looked to Icelina. "What do intend to do with her?"

Char smirked. "I'll explain once we're in the air, Lieutenant Commander. But for now, she's our trump card in this little game the Trojan Horse thinks it can beat us in."

* * *

The video had been filmed, after several aborted takes, and uploaded to Youtube and its contemporaries at five-thirty in the morning at 7:30 am (UTC -7:00). By around noon, it had thirty million hits, and was already making the rounds of News Outlets around the world. Strangely, both sides were rather reluctant to claim the veracity of the video, not just the Zeon. Bright could understand the possible reasons, though. While kidnapping wasn't something covered by the Antarctic Treaty, such an underhanded tactic could invite retaliation from the Zeon in any form against the Federation proper.

For now, though, the White Base couldn't worry about the rest of the Federation. They had a day's head start at best, and if Garma's information was right the Zeon were going to swing one hell of a hammer down on them, so they had to be ready for it.

"I'm confused, Amuro," Frau said to him as the two watched the White Base's crew crack open more of the crates they had managed to haul from Side 7 in their initial escape. The two were on the Gundam's gantry, watching the work.

"No, you're just curious. But that's okay, I find that hot." Amuro was punched in the shoulder. "Ow!"

"I mean, does Garma honestly think that Char will hand Icelina over to him? How does he know that he will?" Frau asked.

Amuro shrugged his shoulders. "Garma's fairly convinced that Char will bring her along because he told Char to protect her. Icelina's the daughter of Nawlins' mayor, and after we snatched him up there's a big chance that the Eschonbach family might be seen as resistance collaborators and punished for it."

Frau did a double take. "What did you call it?"

"I know what I said. Garma's betting on his friendship with Char to bring Icelina right to him."

"Yeah and what if Char brings her and a million Zakus as well?"

Amuro laughed. "Silly girl, it'll be a dozen at least, maybe two dozen."

Frau pouted. "That's not actually reassuring."

"No, but Bright and Garma have teamed up and they're working on a plan." Amuro never thought he'd say that. For everyone involved, it was a bit surreal.

"FUCKING JACKPOT!" That Job John guy or whoever suddenly shouted from the container he opened. Ryu and Hayato walked over, as Amuro leaned over the railing to get a better look.

"What is it?" Ryu then saw the contents of the container. "Oh shit! We still have some of that?"

Hayato read the label. "_Super_Napalm? What's that?"

Frau saw the look on Amuro's face at that instant. "Oh dear."

"This stuff is liquid fire hot enough to destroy the structural integrity of Lunar Titanium. With this shit, we could give the sun a third degree burn," Ryu said to Hayato.

Hayato then grew quite worried. "Oh dear."

Ryu was naturally confused. "What's wrong? This is great!"

Hayato explained, "Amuro likes fire…a lot." He then looked up towards where Amuro and Frau were, and saw the former looking almost improperly excited. "…Yeah…"

Ryu then called up to him. "Yo man, if you have an idea for how to use this, I'm all ears, aight?"

"Alright!" Amuro called back. He was already getting many, many ideas for how to apply that sweet delicious blaze in a can.

Sayla was helping them disassemble another crate, when it revealed a gun that looked like a Mobile Suit-sized pistol. She checked the description on the datapad. "Tracer Dart Pistol, allowing improved accuracy for long range fire from Guncannon and Guntank. Hm, this could be useful."

"Found another G-Hammer! Two of them!" Another technician called out, before he checked the crate again. "Another Hyper Bazooka too!"

Amuro groaned, he really hated that thing. Frau wondered why they were using anime monikers for some of these weapons. 'Super' Napalm? 'Hyper' Hammer? It seemed a little childish to her.

As the unboxing party continued in the ship's hangar, Garma, Bright, and Lieutenant Reed stood over a map of Colorado's Sawatch Range, a cluster of mountains all over 11,000 feet high, with the tallest of the peaks just over 14,000. It was ideal for many reasons, including rough terrain that precluded the sort of Mobile Suit combat that Zeon Forces preferred, cloud cover that made visual detection from the sky difficult, and deep valleys where large concentrations of Minovsky Particles could blank even the most powerful sensors.

Reed was not cool with the idea of letting Garma Zabi help plan the operation. Even with the wealth of information that Garma was freely giving Bright, the Federation Lieutenant was convinced that Garma had an ulterior motive and Bright was playing blindly into his plans. He was, however, sensible enough to not voice those opinions during the planning session.

"The most difficult part about this operation is that we won't know their strength until we detect them. The terrain and prevailing weather conditions though will force them to rely on Gaws, there are no major bases in this region," Garma explained as he drew a long oval over the Sawatch Range.

"Scouts will be required so we can have at least some early warning," Reed pointed out.

Bright glanced at Garma, and then looked to Reed. "As a matter of fact, Amuro had a plan to–."

Reed immediately interjected. "No. No. No. No. No. NO!"

Bright ignored him. "It's actually rather ingenious, Amuro wants to wire the electromagnetic catapult directly to the White Base's reactor–."

"NO."

"And launch a core fighter to sub-orbital–."

"NO."

"Altitudes so he can call Jaburo for reinforcements."

"NO–wait, that might actually work," Reed said.

"But is it safe?" Garma asked.

Bright laid it out pretty bare. "In all likelihood, there's a ninety-nine percent chance that the Core Fighter could break up from the massive acceleration, Amuro could lose consciousness, causing the plane to lose control and crash, or he could be intercepted by the enemy and killed at any point of the flight. So, you'd have to be bat-shit insane to even conceive the possibility that this could work."

Garma nodded. "Which is why you're agreeing to let him do this."

"You're already catching on to the program." Bright then looked to Reed. "You need to step up your game."

Reed rolled his eyes, as Garma drew circles over the nearest bases with Gaws. "Provided they aren't already in the air, Gaws from Minot and Whiteman Air Bases will be entering the airspace in about three hours have figured out our course. Luggun recon planes even sooner. How long would it take to prepare a Core Fighter for launch?"

"Less than thirty minutes," Bright replied.

"Then let's not waste time. Amuro should take the Core Fighter up as soon as possible and contact Jaburo. After that, we should prepare to greet our opposition."

Bright nodded. "Understood, Captain Garma."

He honestly said it just to get a rise out of Reed, and he succeeded. "I presume this meeting is over then, Bright? Can I speak with you, in private?"

Catching the tension between the two, Garma turned to excuse himself. "I'll see myself out; you wouldn't happen to have any video game consoles aboard, would you?"

Bright looked over. "Try Amuro's quarters."

Garma nodded. "Thank you, Ensign."

**[Eye Catch]**

Having left New Orleans only hours before, Prince Garma's personal Gaw and Ramba Ral's Zanzibar were joined by two flights of four Gaws over the wide open skies of Kansas. In addition to the Zakus carried aboard the transport planes, the remaining Zakus of the Midnight Fenrir were loaded aboard the Zanzibar. Now that the exposition of the Zeon order of battle has been presented, we bring you to the interior of Garma's personal pimpmobile, where Ensign Dren was trying his damnedest to cop a feel off some hot Zeon Female Elite Soldier booty.

Ew, no. Actually, we joined Char sitting in Garma's office, as Icelina played video games on Garma's console. Char was quite surprised at how good the young lady was at this particular game. Icelina was surprised that Team Deathmatch really was perfect for raising stats quick, though there were 1887 and USAS whores everywhere.

"I have to hand it to Garma, either way he wins," Char said.

Icelina looked back. "What do you mean?"

"The more I think about it, the more I'm convinced that he let them take him, and I'm convinced that he'll lead us right to the Trojan Horse." Char smirked. "Garma's a clever kid, dangerously clever. He probably wants to use all this as a chance to disappear, and take you with him. Even if we end up rescuing him, he'll have the Trojan Horse to hand back to his Father."

"That's a lot of speculation," Icelina pointed out.

"Speculative as it is, Garma is a man who plans within plans and improvises on the fly. That methodical approach of his allowed him to take numerous Federation bases here, even without MS." Even as Char finished speaking, a notification appeared at the bottom of the TV screen.

_Zero-sen has sent you a message._

"Zero-sen?" Icelina went wide-eyed, that kid was sending her a message? But she never gave him her gamer tag. In fact, only Garma knew the gamer tag she was using currently. "It couldn't be…"

She opened the message, a recording, and pressed play. Sure enough, Garma's voice played from the TV's speakers. "Icelina, relay this to Char. The Trojan Horse will be launching the white mobile suit's pilot in a plane from the Sawatch Range in twenty minutes, to try to contact Jaburo. I'm going to send you the approximate coordinates in my next message. If you can, get here before the Trojan Horse can retreat to lower altitudes after launching the plane. You won't have to worry about the white mobile suit."

Soon as the message stopped playing, a second notification appeared, and sure enough there were the coordinates Garma promised. Getting up from his chair, and reading the message, he smirked. Garma, the clever son of a bitch, just led them right to him.

"Well, I know where to send the recon planes exactly now." He headed over to Garma's desk and picked up the phone set upon it. He quickly called the Zanzibar, flying alongside the Gaw. "Lieutenant Commander Schmitzer, have the Lugguns begin searching the airspace over the Sawatch Range in Colorado, we have a lead on the Trojan Horse's location."

"We'll send a few planes that way and start pointing the Gaw forces in that direction. California base has agreed to send a few Gaws in that direction as well, that's thirteen Gaws in total we've got going in on this," Schmitzer responded.

"Good." Char hung up the phone and looked over to Icelina, who resumed playing video games. When he finally captured that white MS piloting asshole, he was going to teabag him with his Zaku, and it was going to be glorious.

In the stratosphere above the Sawatch Mountains, the first Luggun to arrive on the scene took only five minutes to spot the White Base, puttering along over eighteen thousand meters above the Earth with its bows pointed upward at forty-five degree angle.

"What do you think they're trying to do?" The sensor operator asked the pilot.

"The Lieutenant Commander says they're going to launch a fighter to try to send a transmission to Jaburo. They're even higher than the Lug can reach, not that we'd be able to do anything to it if we could." But their position below and behind the ship meant that they were perfectly in its blind spot, which meant they could easily track it and remain undetected. The pilot wasted no time, broadcasting the position of the Trojan Horse to the converging Zeon forces.

Aboard the ship itself, Lieutenant Reed found himself even more annoyed, given that Bright had let Garma sit in the Captain's chair to oversee the operation. Bright was occupying Sayla's station, and ignoring the glare Reed was burning into the back of his head as the support craft catapult on the White Base's central hull opened.

"Your window's very limited, Amuro," Bright reminded him. "When you get above the interference, send the communication and then turn right back around. The Zeon are going to be breathing down our necks like a creepy schoolboy any second."

"And like an abnormally belligerent yet gifted blonde schoolgirl, I will back fist them in the face," Amuro replied cheerfully.

Reed stared at Bright. "What."

"Hey Arnold," Garma explained.

"Get on our level, man!" Amuro and Bright shouted together.

Mirai then called out. "Captain, we've reached optimal launch altitude, awaiting your orders."

Garma folded his arms and nodded. "Ensign Noa, launch the Core Fighter!"

"Yes sir!"

"Alright, I've about had it!" Reed shouted just as Bright pressed the launch button. "Why are you letting Garma Zabi even pretend he's in charge on the bridge!"

The White Base shook, as Amuro was launched out of the ship and onto a ballistic trajectory towards the mesosphere. Over the radio, he could be distinctly heard screaming "Why did I think this was a good idea?" before Bright muted him. "Lieutenant, Garma is the highest ranked person on this ship."

"And he's cooperating with us, and he helped plan this operation, and he's also really, really cute," Mirai said.

Lieutenant Reed stared at Bright, then looked at Mirai, and finally at Garma. "You're all just messing with me, aren't you?"

Bright nodded. "Yes, pretty much." He unmuted Amuro. "Amuro, you dead yet?"

Amuro had gotten over the initial acceleration rather well, given that now he was singing along to "Highway to the Danger Zone" as he kept climbing. Bright was assured. "Yeah, you're fine."

"Whoever's in charge down there," The two chair guys reported, "Amuro's all well and good heading up there but we have eight Gaws and a Zanzibar-class Cruiser coming up on us from the east, range thirty kilometers and closing. One of the Gaws looks like a custom job, gold trim along the wings, ventral fins, and tail."

"Yes, that would be my personal craft. Designate it, Icelina is likely aboard it," Garma said. "At this altitude, the Gaw is balancing on a pinhead to stay airborne. Up here we'll have to worry about the Zanzibar and any Dopps."

"Shame we won't be fighting them up here." Bright looked over and called to Mirai, "Take us down to six thousand meters and prepare to engage."

"Aye, Lieutenant, prepare for a hard turn!" Mirai called back. From its bows up angle, the White Base suddenly banked right away from the approaching ships, seemingly ready to roll completely over as it dove for the mountains below. As the ship turned, great beams of light lanced from the Gaws, passing above and below the diving ship.

"Mega Particle Cannons!" One of the chair guys said as he tightened his seat belt.

The other called out, "Dopps incoming fast!"

"Wait until we level out and open fire with all anti-air defenses," Bright said as another beam passed very close to the stern. He let out a snort. "Trying to disable us, eh? Mirai!"

"They won't hit us!" Mirai called back as the ship fell like a stone. After several hair-raising moments, the ship's flaps were extended and her bow pitched up as she leveled off only a few thousand meters above the jagged peak.

Aboard the Zanzibar, Ramba Ral was impressed that a ship that big could make a maneuver like that and still be intact. "An unusual maneuver."

"Yes, but they sold their advantage," Schmitzer noted. "Ensign Heppner, have the Gaw spread out and deploy their MS in a perimeter around the Trojan Horse. The Dopps are to to force the Trojan Horse below the level of the summits."

"Roger, sir, what about the fighter that launched?" Charlotte asked from the communications station of the Zanzibar.

"If we're fast enough, it'll return in time to find its mothership captured." Schmitzer replied.

* * *

About seventy kilometers above the Earth, Amuro had already finished Highway to the Dangerzone, Push it to the Limit, and Aces High, when he noticed that he was well above the Minovsky interference that prevented long range communication with Jaburo. Turning off the Core Fighter's hastily installed MP3 player, he turned on the radio.

"This is White Base to Jaburo, come in Jaburo," Amuro asked rather professionally. No response. "Jaburo? Huh, I'd better try a different frequency." He changed the dial again. "Jaburo this is White Base–."

Someone speaking rapidly in Spanish replied. "Damn." He changed frequencies. "Jaburo this is White Base, come in."

This time it was someone singing badly in Portuguese. "Damn, at least I'm getting close." He changed the frequency again. "Jaburo to White Base."

Instead, he received some screaming nu metal. He changed frequencies again. "Hello, Jaburo?"

_"Zakus coming up on our left side! Reload the cannons! Reload the fucking can–!"_

"Nope." He changed frequencies again. "Jaburo?"

_"…It's going to be extra hot in Queensland as Spring finally starts to heat up with highs in the upper thirties, and Sydney is still a fuckin' crater in the ground. Thanks Zeon."_

"That shouldn't even be possible." Amuro changed frequencies again. "Hello, Jaburo?"

_"Team Deathmatch!"_

Amuro groaned and turned the dial once more. "Is this Jaburo?"

_"No, this is Patrick."_

Just when Amuro thought the author could not stoop lower, too. "Well, I'm impressed." He changed the frequency one last time. "Hello, is this Jaburo?"

_"I am Jabrow? I am Skeleton Jabrow? No! I am Skeleton Jelly!"_

Amuro turned off the radio, and shook his head. "Feel like I'm the butt of a joke here." He then noticed something. "Wait a minute."

Amuro turned the radio on, and switched it from AM to FM. "Hello, Jaburo? This is the White Base."

_"This isn't Jaburo,"_ A silky voice replied,_ "But if you're really the White Base then we're both in luck. I've got orders to supply you and our intelligence on your location is sketchy at best."_

That voice made Amuro bite his lower lip, that was too sexy. "Uh, yes this is White Base, actually I'm a launch from White Base attempting to contact you. Identify yourself?"

_"Lieutenant Matilda Ajan of the Medea Supply Corps, and you are?"_

"Amuro Ray, son of Tem Ray, son of Light Ray, son of Axel Ray, son of…"

_"I see he taught you his code, you're definitely that man's son." _

Amuro hummed. "A lot of random people in the Federation seem to know who he is."

Matilda responded back, "_Let me put it like this, it was either war with the Zeon, or war with him and I think we made the winnable choice, but I won't divulge further. What's your current situation?"_

"Well, last I saw, about eight or nine Gaws were creeping up on the White Base, and they were launching fighters. What's your ETA?"

_"Conveniently after the battle has ended," _Matilda cheerfully replied.

"Oh." Well that sucked.

_"Best get back to your friends, kiddo, we'll catch up."_

Amuro could've called her a bitch, but her voice was far too fine. "I'll let this one slide, because I gotta go fast!"

Turning the Core Fighter around and went into a dive back towards the battlefield. Surely, by this point things weren't going well for his friends.

* * *

"That's the sixth Dopp we've lost in less than a minute, what kind of Anti-Aircraft Defense system does that ship have!" A baffled Ensign Heppner cried out before another Dopp exploded spectacularly. "Seven!"

"What spectacular marksmanship," Ramba declared. "Whoever those gunners are must have been well trained. I tip my hat to them."

Seated at the controls for the ship's remote-controlled CIWS turrets were Frau Bow and the three young children that she'd taken under her wing after they'd been orphaned at Side Seven during the attack, Katz, Letz, and Kikka.

"I don't know whether to be horrified that you're having children that young kill people, or impressed that they're doing such a good job of it," Reed admitted.

"Why not both, it's working for me," Garma said.

"I shot down another one!" Kikka Kikimoto, a bright eyed blonde-haired girl of about four, cheered.

"Nuh uh, that was mine!" Letz Cofan, six years old African child, retorted.

"Hey, if you keep bickering you'll lose!" Katz Howan, eight years old and by virtue of seniority their leader, yelled at him as he downed his fifth Dopp. "I'm an ace! Right Miss Frau?"

"That's right!" Frau said. "Make sure to shoot any parachutes you see, those are bonus points."

"All right!" The children cheered.

Bright then looked over to Garma. "Can you believe the Federation wanted to put manned, _exposed _gun turrets on this ship?"

Ah, something to distract Garma from the all-encompassing horror "What? Exposed gun-turrets on a _spaceship_? That's absurd!"

A lone Dopp tried to dive for the ship's bridge, but was quickly chewed apart by converging turret fire. Bits and pieces of plane rained down on the windows, with a mutilated human arm making a wet splat on the window in front of Mirai's helm position. Sighing in annoyance, Mirai hit the window wipers, knocking off the arm and wiping away the smear of blood left behind.

"Lieutenant Char, Lieutenant Commanders Schmitzer, Ral, the Gaws are moving into position, we're ready to begin dropping troops." The leader of the Gaw flights radioed.

"Understood, drop your mobile suits and keep the Trojan Horse below the tops of the mountains." Schmitzer ordered.

As one Gaw turned and opened the retracting doors to allow its compliment of three Zakus to leap out, a pair of 180mm gun barrels lifted out of the deep snow of the mountaintop in front of it. The guns fired, the back-blast of the cannons clearing away the snow around the head and shoulders of the RX-75-2 Guntank. The shells hurtled through the air, whistling straight towards, and into the chests of two of the Zakus carried by the Gaw. An instant later, the exploding Zakus took the Gaw with them in a tremendous blast.

The explosion was clearly visible from the Zanzibar and Char's Gaw. Aboard the latter, Char stared in surprise. "What?"

A second Gaw attempting to drop was also hit, this time from a precision beam rifle blast from the Guncannon, situated on another mountain. Like the Gaw before, the beam pierced clean through the chest of a Zaku, creating a chain reaction that destroyed the entire craft.

"Well look at that, they set up an ambush, and we've already lost two Gaws to it!" Ramba declared.

Schmitzer was less impressed. "But they gave away their positions. Have the Gaws attack those positions!"

One Gaw did just that, changing position and opening fire with its Mega Particle Cannons on the mountain the Guntank was atop. The Guntank rolled away from the explosions as fast as it could go, with Hayato letting out a yelp when one beam passed dangerously close to the cockpit in the head. "Damn it, Job John, Stay behind as much cover as you can!"

"I'm sorry!" The pilot of the lower cockpit yelled as he turned the Guntank to get into a firing position. Taking aim, Hayato fired again, this time striking the Gaw as it pulled up from its attack run, and hitting one of the Mega Particle Cannons loaded in the transport's wing roots. An explosion followed, and then another as the Gaw tried to bank away from its run. Sadly, it put it right in the sights of the Guncannon's shoulder-mounted cannons.

"Aim right for the nose, lead the target a bit and…goodbye!" Kai fired the cannons, sending the shells hurtling into and just behind the cockpit of the Gaw, which quickly tumbled out of the sky before crashing into the mountainside below with another huge explosion.

Ensign Heppner stared at the radar screen in complete horror. "They…they've already shot down three Gaws before they could even send out a single Zaku!"

"What kind of power do those Federation Mobile Suits have?" A likewise stunned Crowley asked Ramba.

Schmitzer watched as another Gaw went high instead, opening its bomb bay doors to begin raining it down on the Guncannon. "That won't end well."

It didn't. Seeing the Gaw line up for a bomb run, Kai just fired the 240s right into the open bomb bays, creating a series of explosions that disemboweled the assault carrier. Belching fire as a single Zaku managed to bail out, the Gaw fell past the Guncannon. Said Guncannon proceeded to walk away like a boss. A few seconds later, there was another tremendous explosion, and the number of Gaws Zeon had thrown at the White Base had been halved.

"Four Gaws…that's four Gaws down," Ensign Heppner breathed, before a radio transmission came in. "Huh? It's from the Trojan Horse!"

_"If you surrender, I'll promise to spare the women and…well, just the women," _Bright radioed.

Another flight of Dopps was chewed up rather messily by the White Base's air defenses. Bright added, _"Huh, those guys of yours suck. Do you really want to keep doing this?"_

The Lieutenant Commanders recognized Bright's voice, and Schmitzer decided to play it cool. "We'll call off our attacks once you hand over Garma." As he spoke, the remaining Gaws began to maneuver, pulling away from their initial runs to simply get behind the well-defended ship.

Bright tapped his fingers together as he mulled over this. "No you won't. In fact, you'll have no reason not to attack us."

"What are you saying?" Schmitzer was curious.

"I'm _saying_, that if I was a competent commander, and some jackass idiot just handed over his _only _trump card, I'd say 'thanks for being such a sucker' and proceed to punch his shit in magnificently."

Schmitzer had to admit, the kid had a point. Ensign Heppner then turned off the mic. "Lieutenant Commander, Char and several of the Gaws managed to deploy while they were moving to position on the Trojan Horse's aft. He signaled that he was going to attack the ship's engines and force it down."

"Turn the radio on, then. I want to stall for time," Schmitzer ordered. When Heppner did as commanded, he spoke to Bright. "Captain of the Trojan Horse, while I admit that what you suggest is a sound tactical decision. I am well aware of the fact that your ship is carrying a large number of civilians. The complete destruction of your vessel and the innocent people aboard is not my priority, we're not murderers."

Schmitzer was greeted with hysterical laughter from Bright, Mirai, Frau and the kids, and even Lieutenant Reed.

"Zeon aren't murderers! HA!" Frau shouted.

"Oh God, he actually said it!" Mirai gasped. "I…I can't breathe…hahahaha…"

"Funniest twenty dollars I ever lost," Bright said as he handed the aforementioned amount to Lieutenant Reed.

Schmitzer stared at the radio console, kind of struck by their reaction. "You think I'm not serious?"

"Let me ask you, whoever this is, did you take part in Operation British?" Bright asked.

Everyone on the Zanzibar's bridge turned and stared at Lieutenant Commander Schmitzer. Schmitzer ignored there stares. "I'll admit, I did fight during that battle but this is war–."

"Then try convincing yourself that you're not a murderer before you feed that bullshit to someone else," Bright said. "Come at us, bro."

Char's Zaku then emerged from over the top of a mountain on the right flank of the White Base, joined by a half dozen other Zakus. "What's that?" Char asked. "Come at you, bro?"

"Red Cockmongler off the starboard aft!" Mirai shouted.

Bright grimaced. "Hayato, Kai, Job John, you'd better be in position!"

The main guns of the White Base were 22-inch main cannons, designed for both space and surface combat: They even outstripped the mighty Magellan's main guns. Having them pointed at you was one of those things you wanted only if you had made peace with yourself and God. Sadly, the godless Zeon hadn't, though that didn't seem to matter much as the ship opened fire with its big guns.

"Scatter!" Char ordered, and the Zakus quickly cleared out to avoid the high-explosive shells. As the Zakus scattered about and began firing on the White Base with bazookas and machine gun fire, the Guntank and Guncannon unleashed a counter-barrage, the range of shells crashing down as the Zakus slipped and slid across the snowy mountaintop to avoid them.

Emerging from the smoke and debris, Char's Zaku swept its mono-eye from left and right before it acquired the Guncannon aiming its beam rifle at it. Kai grinned. "Gotcha, pinkie!"

Char merely sidestepped, the beam missing him and going on to lance through a Zaku directly behind him. Char looked back, and then at the Guncannon. "Damn it, can't you assholes just miss?"

He jumped over another beam rifle shot, and fired his Zaku's thrusters, sending him hurtling across the slope of the mountain to land higher up it. Aiming his bazooka, he opened fire on the White Base, the missile striking the starboard engine block. When he tried to fire again, the Guntank's shells straddled him, forcing him to keep moving.

"Damage report!" Bright demanded.

"Shit man, this ship's made out of the same stuff the Gundam is. Aside from a rather large dent, we're good," One of the chair guys said.

Garma clenched his fist, and then looked to Bright, who looked back and nodded.

Char radioed the ship. "The next one's going to knock out your engines, if you don't stand down!"

"Consume human male genitalia, bucket head," Bright replied.

The corner of Char's mouth twitched, and he redlined his thrusters, leaping off the mountain as Kai shot at him again, and landed with a bang atop the White Base's starboard catapult. On the bridge, Lieutenant Reed let out a yelp of surprise, as Garma slipped out of the Captain's chair. Turning the Zaku around, Char lifted up the Zaku's bazooka and aimed it at the bridge…where the first thing he saw was Mirai staring blankly back at him from her seat.

She then held up a sign that asked, "U Mad?"

"Yes. Yes I am mad," Char replied.

Before he could pull the trigger, he noticed Garma on the floor behind Mirai, and hesitated. "Garma!"

"Char!" Garma called back.

Aboard Garma's personal Gaw, Icelina gasped when she heard Garma's voice over the radio. "Garma! Char, don't shoot!"

Schmitzer was also alarmed. "Lieutenant, hold your fire! We have them like this!"

"I can't get a bead on him!" Kai grumbled as Zakus kept shooting at him from the other mountain tops. "Hayato, where's that covering fire?"  
"Gaws keep shooting missiles at us, we can't move!"

Mirai then flipped the sign around, the other side read, "Pussy."

Char found himself in a dilemma. Garma was a potential ally of his against the rest of the Zabi family. Bringing him back alive and in one piece would earn him great favor and allow him closer to the Zabi inner circle, especially if he could capture the Trojan Horse back intact to boot. Though, bringing the Trojan Horse back mostly intact would probably allow the Zabi family to forgive him for murdering the fuck out of Garma as he murdered the fuck out of the rest of these assholes.

Then again, he could always just go with his original plan. Yeah, he was going to do that. "Oops my finger slipped–."

A ray of light suddenly lanced from the sky, and like God delivering a fuck you to in the form of his divine wrath, the beam sliced off neatly the arm of the salmon pink Zaku II, which fell to the ground below, taking the bazooka with it.

Char looked over at the screen to his right, and saw that his arm was really gone. "This is really happening, isn't it?"

He looked up and saw, above the Gaws and Zanzibar, a green and yellow transport plane, the yellow portion being a large container that took up most of its length. Leaning out the open container was the Gundam, it's yellow eyes glowing red as it targeted the Zeon below.

"Red Cockmongler, that's really a good one!" Amuro called out.

In the cockpit of the Gunperry transport, Sayla and Ryu looked to each other and nodded in agreement, before the latter called out to Amuro. "Get 'em, boy!"

The Gundam leaped from the Gunperry, arms outstretched like a sky diver to orient it, before it aimed downward at the Gaws, and began targeting them. "Revving up the engine, listen to her howlin' roar…"

He fired, aimed, and fired again, sending the beams lancing through the bridges of two of the Gaws on the right of the Zanzibar, which fired its engines and tried to accelerate away. Amuro kept singing. "Metal under tension, beggin' you to touch and go…!"

He fired again, sending several more beam rifle shots through the engines and wings of the ship due to his aim falling short. A large explosion billowed from the Zanzibar, which began to trail smoke as it fell towards the mountains.

"Highway to the Danger Zone!" Amuro sang loudly, and surprisingly well. "Ride into the Danger Zone!"

"Damn it, that white mobile suit!" Schmitzer growled. "Char, you said that the pilot had left!"

"I had the intel!" Char yelled back, before Bright called to him.

"Hey, Bucket Bitch!" When Char turned towards the bridge it was too late, the barrels of the White Base's 22 inch cannons swung to their right-most limit, knocking the Zaku off the deck and into the path of the charging up Mega Particle Cannons located in turrets located on either side of the ship.

"GET OFF MY SHIP!"

Char reacted unbelievably fast, hitting the throttle of his thrusters and blasting himself clear of the Mega Particle Cannons as they fired, losing only his Zaku's legs as his MS fell away from the ship. Holding on tightly as the wrecked Zaku fell, Char sputtered and gasped obscenities before he simply let out an unintelligible roar of anger.

Landing atop one of the last three Gaws, the Gundam aimed the beam rifle one handed and put a beam through the bridge of the other. As it began to spiral in, he looked over and spotted Garma's personal unit, trying to make a break for it. "You guys made it too easy for me."

Gunfire then whipped past him, and an alarm alerted him of the gaggle of Zakus on the mountains to his right, shooting up at him with all the anger in the world. Lowering the beam rifle, he drew the Hyper Bazooka stowed on the Gundam's lower back before aiming it at them. He then grinned with psychotic glee.

"Burn!"

The Hyper Bazooka fired, and the special rocket loaded into it shrieked towards the Zakus firing at him, before exploding and spraying immediately and intensely burning super napalm onto the Zeon MS. Taking aim, he fired again, shooting off several more of the Super Napalm Rockets, and sending sheets of fire cascading over the rest of the Zakus.

"What the? Napalm?" One pilot shouted, before his ammo immediately began cooking off and exploding. "Oh God!"

"It's eating through my armor!" Another screamed.

"Stop drop and roll! Stop drop and AHHH WHY WON'T IT GO OUT?" A third screamed as the Zakus all fell over, unable to do anything but melt away.

Staring at the fire, Amuro let out a laugh, chuckled darkly, and then went into a long, depraved peal of laughter as he watched the fire burn brighter and hotter through its consumption of the mobile suits. "FUCK YOU, ZEON! WHOO!"

He fired a final beam rifle shot through the cockpit of the Gaw he stood upon, before turning and running across the wing of the rapidly plummeting Gaw. At the last moment, he performed a thruster assisted jump, the Gundam flying through the air before landing hard on the back of the sole remaining Gaw in the air.

Stowing the beam rifle, Amuro had the Gundam punch a hole in the back of the Gaw, and ripped away a good chunk of it, before opening the cockpit and picking up an assault rifle. Fortunately, he did not have to get up, for there was his intended target, emerging from the bridge of the Gaw and running straight for the hole.

"Oh, well that just makes my job easier," He said before lowering the Gundam's hand into the Gaw, and allowing Icelina to climb on. Lifting her out with care, Amuro brought her to the cockpit level, even as the stunned crew watched. Noticing them, he waved as Icelina quickly climbed in, before closing the hatch, and sending the Gundam leaping backward off the damaged plane.

Amuro aimed the bazooka down into the Gaw, as Icelina made herself comfortable on his lap. "HEAT END!"

He fired, sending a great ball of flame erupting from the top and bottom of the craft. With a satisfied laugh, he jumped the Gundam from the burning Gaw went into a dive, and landed roughly on the mountainside, its wings coming off as it slid downward unimpeded towards the valley floor below.

The Gunperry came about as the Gundam began to fall itself, and with some careful last moment maneuvering, Amuro landed inside the transport's container. He sat back in his seat and removed his helmet before looking to Icelina. "Lady, you'd have better been worth this."

Icelina stared at Amuro, shocked that he was the same kid who ran off with Garma in the first place, and even more shocked that he'd pulled off this stunt. "Are you a God?"

Amuro stared back at her. "Yes."

He'd watched Ghostbusters enough to know better.

"Yo, jefe, we got the girl, we kicked in Zeon's shit. _Vámonos_," Ryu said.

Bright reclaimed the Captain's seat from Garma, and sat back before he popped his collar and reclined in the chair. "Fucking vámonos."

"Aye, the Guncannon and Guntank gave made it back aboard, we're done." Mirai said as she pointed the bows of the ship up and began ascending with the Gunperry close to its wing.

As the two craft flew off, Char swam ashore from a large reservoir located a few thousand feet below the mountain, and removed his helmet as he looked up at the ships. They had beaten him again. Not only that, they had mopped the fucking floor with him. What the hell was this? Who the hell were these people and how were they so _God damned good_?

"Well, there goes my pride. I'm going to kill every single one of those sons of bitches." Starting with that bastard in the white mobile suit–no, no, Char was going to kill that motherfucker last, so he could savor it.

The Zanzibar had managed to land safely, with its occupants managing to escape the burning ship. Watching the White Base fall out of view, Ramba and his crew, and the Midnight Fenrir felt an equal measure of respect and contempt for the Federation's secret weapons.

"Those people…" Ensign Heppner growled. "…The Trojan Horse…"

Schmitzer just shook his head.

Ramba Ral looked to Crowley. "Did you manage to save the stash?"

"Of course, dear," She replied as she gestured to a chest she pulled behind her on a cart.

"Good, because it's going to be a long night on this cold mountain, and we're all going to need something to take the edge off."

* * *

Night fell, as the White Base took it low and slow through the Rockies, relying on the heavy concentrations of Minovsky Particles to remain hidden. In the mess hall of the ship, the whole gang save Mirai (who was left to pilot the ship) and Lieutenant Reed (who was still trying to fathom how they managed to survive today) were celebrating their victory over non alcoholic beverages and delicious treats.

"You all did extra well today, and because you got a lot of bonus points you get extra ice cream!" Frau said cheerfully as she served up Katz, Letz, and Kikka some extra chocolate ice cream with the cake they were enjoying.

Ryu was a tad bit unnerved. "Hey mami, don't you think letting them man the anti-aircraft stations was a bit much? They're too young to comprehend death, you know?"

Frau waved that off. "Nonsense, they understand it perfectly." She looked to Kikka. "Kikka, what happened to Mommy?"

"She was killed by the Zeon, and she's gone forever." Kikka replied.

"And what will you do until the war is over?" Frau asked.

Kikka threw a tiny fist in the air as she clenched her other around her fork. "KILL ALL THE ZEONS!"

"That's my girl!"

Amuro, who was balancing between Sayla on his lap cuddling him and enjoying his own cake, called to Ryu. "It's going to be a miracle if that girl doesn't grow up to be a psychopath."

Ryu glanced between Kikka and Frau. "Which one?"

Bright took a sip from his soda, before he addressed Garma and Icelina. "Well, now that you're both here we have to start talking about the future. Where do you two plan on going?"

Garma looked to Icelina, who cuddled close to his arm, and then back to Bright. "Actually, I would like to stay here aboard the White Base and assist you in ending the war."

Bright hummed. "Really?"

"It was always my intention to rebel against the family, but before it was for my own desires." Garma put his arm around Icelina's waist for emphasis. "But in the last two days, I've met you maniacs and I feel like I'd be doing something of genuine merit if I rode with you against the Zeon and this war."

"And you'd be safe from any Zeon sympathizers or spies." Bright added.

"Yes, that too." Garma took another sip of his own drink. "Besides, if I'm helping, maybe we'll end this war before you kill too many of my countrymen."

Bright shrugged his shoulders. "I can't keep any promises on that, did you hear Amuro's laugh over the radio when he literally killed those Zakus with fire?"

"We'll try at least, then." Garma wasn't going to argue with anyone about how to conduct the war, so long as it didn't end with them blowing up colonies full of innocent people.

"Speaking of Zakus, we have one stashed away in the hangar. It needs some repairs, ammunition, spare parts, and probably a very thorough cockpit cleaning, but if we can get it up to specifications it's yours." Bright suggested to Garma.

"I'd be grateful for that, thank you."

Icelina then chimed in. "What about me, is there anything I can do to help?"

"Are you good with kids? Because I think the orphans need a new caretaker," Ryu suggested. Frau was giving them pointers on how to kill a man with a plastic knife.

Icelina saw this, and slowly nodded. "I think I can do that, yes."

Hayato couldn't help but ask. "Who taught her how to do that, anyway?"

"Who do you think?" Kai said as he nodded his head towards Amuro.

Hayato sighed. "And suddenly I'm not surprised."

"You know, guys, I just realized," Sayla said. "After this last battle, we pretty much put our money where our mouth was. How do you think Zeon is going to react to that?"

Gihren Zabi, the leader in the shadows of the Principality of Zeon, was impressed. The reports from Earth of the mounting disasters revolving Garma's plight, and this "Project V" were far beyond the level of what something like the Federation should be normally capable of. Clearly, this could've been the work of only one man.

"Tem Ray, you magnificent bastard, you truly think you've won this war for the Federation," He said with a chuckle.

Alas, it was a shame that this distraction of the Federation would be little more than that. He called to his assistant, a lovely redheaded woman by the name of Cecilia Irene. "I want to make a call. It's high time I show Mr. Ray that the Federation is not alone in the area of wonder weapons."

Cecilia nodded. "Whom shall I call?"

"The current custodian of the Newtype Weapon project that we halted due to sudden defection."

Cecilia's eyes widened. "You mean…?"

"Yes, call up Nimbus Schterzen. I wish to give The Trojan Horse their final…_EXAM_," Gihren declared, and then let out an evil laugh that echoed throughout the palace of Degwin Zabi.

"Oh, I get it!" Cecilia then said.

* * *

A/N: Next chapter's gonna be something else.


	5. Not A Zaku Surprise

Disclaimer: This is a non-profit fan-based parody. The Mobile Suit known as Gundam belongs to those people, Celestial Being.

**Mobile Suit Gundam: Gran Tomino**  
Not a Zaku Surprise

_Ramba, Ramba, Ramba, Ramba, Ramba! _

_…It's a Sayonara Zetsubou-sensei reference._

**[5.]**

Flying over the Rocky Mountains, escorted by a veritable armada of Fly Arrow fighters refueled by Deep Rog Bombers, a Federation force of Medea Transports braved the depths of Zeon's North American territory en route to where they hoped to find the White Base. In the cockpit of the lead Medea, Matilda Ajan was solving a crossword puzzle as her co-pilot took the controls.

"Twelve letter word for 'throw out a window'?" She asked.

"Defenestrate," her co-pilot replied.

"Good job." Matilda scanned her crossword. "Eleven letter word for pity."

"Commiserate."

"Huh, that's right." She checked her next clue. "Five letter word, slang, for 'Kinky mistress."

"Domme."

Matilda nodded. "Five letter word for 'To compress with great force'?"

"Crush."

"Right again." Matilda read the next clue. "Seven-letter word for 'Control Center'."

"Cockpit, duh." The co-pilot replied.

Matilda felt an odd shiver run down her back, and then tossed the book aside. "Well, that's done. We've been in Zeon airspace all night, I'm amazed those Arrow pilots are still conscious."

She stood up from her seat and looked out the window as the first rays of the morning sun began to peak out over the mountain tops. The light stretched across the Earth, highlighting the jagged mountains as they glowed purple, white and green, a mix of light and shadow as the elevation changed rapidly. It really was a breathtakingly gorgeous sight to behold.

But the smoldering wreckage of numerous Zeon weapons kind of ruined the splendor.

"Huh, that's a new but not unwelcome sight," Matilda said.

The trail went over several mountains, and comprised of four Gaws and as many Dopps that could be carried by them. The Medea squadron flew along the trail, and found another two destroyed Gaws, and their complements of Dopps and Zakus strewn over the mountainside.

"The hell did this?" The Medea's copilot asked.

Coming to another mountain, they found another wreck, of two more Gaws, but the wreckage appeared to have been arranged afterward, spelling out a message.

**EAT ALL THE DICKS, ZEON**

They even used a heavily stripped down Zaku to form that colon. Matilda was impressed. "White Base is a hell of a ship."

It took a little while more for them to actually find the ship itself, parked openly on what the maps showed to be Utah's Bonneville Salt Flats. Matilda couldn't have asked for a better landing site. As the Fly Arrows and their Deep Rog tankers quickly established top-cover, the Medea transports touched down and rolled up to the White Base, where the Gundam and the Guncannon were painting tally marks on the port-side catapult in bright red paint.

"The Medea Supply Corps are here," A sleepy Mirai called from the bridge. "Thank God."

"Hey, do Dopps count the same as Gaws and Zakus?" Kai asked over the radio.

"A kill's a kill," Bright replied as he got up. "Mirai, go get some sleep, I'm going to go greet our suppliers." Mirai got up, and staggered sleepily directly for Bright's quarters, which were adjacent to the bridge. "Mirai, those are my–."

"Don't care," Mirai said as she opened the door and stumbled in.

Bright didn't complain, it wasn't every day he had a hot Asian woman passed out in his bed.

By the time Bright made it outside with Lieutenant Reed, the first Medea had already opened its doors, container's doors and set up a conveyor belt leading into the White Base. Amuro and Kai had taken a break from painting grotesque tally marks on the side of the ship to watch the unloading.

"I'm impressed the Medea Supply Corps would fly this far into enemy territory," Bright admitted.

Lieutenant Reed looked up at the nose of the school-bus yellow Medea, and he blanched when he saw the nose-art: A Federation-themed dominatrix sitting atop the back of a Zeon-themed submissive. "Oh dear God, it's her."

"It's who?" Bright asked before he looked from the Medea's nose-art to its pilot, who had walked up to the two.

"It's-a me, Matilda," Matilda Ajan said cheerfully before properly introducing herself. "I'm Lieutenant Matilda Ajan of the Medea Supply Corps. General Revil sent me here personally because he figured that a boatload of lewd, degenerate psychopaths need a lewd, degenerate psychopath to keep them supplied."

Bright stared at Matilda, and found himself aroused and disturbed at the same time. Behind him, Amuro and Kai stared at this new, insanely hot woman.

"Damn, it must suck that you'll never get a chance to hit that, being all tied down and all," Kai taunted.

"Hey, don't knock it until you try it," Amuro snapped back.

Kai scoffed at that. "Pfft, I'm sure you're singing all the praises in the world about monogamy now."

Amuro raised an eyebrow. "Huh? I was talking about being tied down. Sayla knows how do it just tight enough that it hurts but not enough that it–." Kai punched him in the jaw.

As the two got to exchanging blows, Matilda looked at her tablet and read off the list. "Anyway, because we left with the recommended stores, we have food, spare parts for the Gundam, Guncannon, Guntank, Gunperry, and the Core Fighters, additional weapons for the aforementioned suits and support craft, uniforms, cigars, and a case of Wild Turkey."

"Wild Turkey?" Bright asked.

"The General had the foresight to send you a much needed drink considering the orders I'm about to give you."

"I'm going to get screwed, aren't I?"

"It's not as bad as you think, Ensign." Matilda ran her fingers across the tablet, switching screens. "The Trojan Horse is to embark on a full blown guerrilla campaign against Zeon forces, with the explicit intention of wreaking as much havoc as humanly possible. Political figures, soldiers, supply lines, bases, even fleets are open season; you will be supported to the fullest and given special powers to utilize any Federation assets in your immediate vicinity to ensure the completion of your operations."

Bright blinked. "Wait, that's not that bad at all. Actually, that's pretty amazing." It then hit him. "Wait, waging a war in Zeon territory with permission to use any Federation assets in the area?"

"Yes."

"Federation assets."

"Yep."

"In Zeon territory."

"That's right."

"Where there would be none of the former to begin with."

"You catch on quick."

Bright sighed. "I see why he gave me the Wild Turkey."

"He also gave you an in-field promotion. Given the report from Luna II makes frequent mention of your issues with authority, we're going to give you a rank that better fits your position… Captain."

Bright did a double take. "Wait, I'm a Captain now?"

"White Base is your ship, The Trojan Horse is your special little group. You need the authority to lead it, and what better than a Captain?" Matilda replied.

Bright wanted to squeal and dance around like a little girl, but in the presence of such a lovely woman, he refrained for the sake of preserving any possible chance he had.

"You don't have a chance with me," Matilda said.

Bright nodded. "Then allow me to squeal and dance around like a little girl, Lieutenant Ajan."

Matilda smiled. "Whatever gets you off, Captain."

And so Bright Noa danced around like a little girl, with high pitched squeals and a magical pony doll materializing in his hands that he held up like a false idol to the masculinity gods who could only gnash their teeth in manly, impotent rage.

"That's embarrassing," Kai said.

"Bitch, he's a Captain, also…" Amuro punched Kai in the head, dragged him down and continued punching him.

Lieutenant Reed looked back and noticed the boys fighting. "Ah, God damn it, those two are fighting again."

"Just make sure they don't break anything expensive and they'll work it out of their systems," Bright said. "Besides, the female crew need some entertainment."

Matilda was in full agreement, she was all for strapping young lads punching each other stupid for her personal pleasure. If only someone would provide some mud or oil…

"Amuro!" Sayla grabbed Amuro and hauled him from Kai, as Ryu grabbed up Kai and held him back. "Could you and Kai not fight every five minutes?"

That caught Matilda's attention, and she excused herself to walk over to the group. "So, this is the mythical son of Tem Ray."

Amuro relented from glaring at Kai, and relaxed into Sayla's arms. "Mythical? That's a new one. It's nice to meet you in person, Miss Matilda."

"Likewise." Matilda looked to her tablet for reference, and then back up to Amuro with a saucy smile. "Your father anticipated this, you know, so he left us with very clear instructions and terms in the event that you wound up piloting the Gundam."

Amuro sighed. "I'd like it if I could be surprised by that bastard…"

"If you only knew." Matilda read the instructions, "Like him, you are to be treated as a licensed contractor paid via the Federation Black Budget, and you are to receive his monthly rate of pay."

"And that would be?" Amuro asked.

"The Gross Domestic Product of Belize," Matilda replied.

Ryu dropped Kai, Kai just crumpled to the floor in a heap of disbelief, and Sayla was screaming "I'M SET FOR LIFE" in her own mind. Frau, who had recently arrived, felt her jaw drop to the deck as she stared at her neighbor/love interest in amazement.

Amuro… shrugged his shoulders.

"Is that before or after taxes?"

"It's tax free."

Kai jumped up onto his feet, pointing at Amuro. "W-w-what the fuck? How the fuck does that work! Why are they paying him that much!"

"They were his father's instructions," Matilda replied.

"Why were they paying his old man that much!" Kai screamed at her.

"You know how Doctor Doom has his own country and managed to conquer the world himself with super science and magic and shit?" Asked Ryu.

"No, comics are for nerds and girls," Kai sniffed.

Matilda elaborated further, "We pay Tem Ray not to do all of that."

Sayla looked down at Amuro. "I'm a little scared now."

Frau was a little intrigued.

Amuro looked back up at her and shrugged his shoulders. "Don't worry about it." He returned his gaze to Matilda. "So, what else do I get?"

Matilda looked back to her list. "Let's see! You were to be supplied with your favorite food, pulled pork barbecue meat sandwiches with "Super Napalm" brand barbecue sauce, that's been ear-marked in the list of supplies, equipment to upgrade and enhance Haro's AI…"

"Your dad is made of convenient things," Frau said, clasping her hands together and edging up to Amuro's other side. She really wasn't a gold digger, but it _was_Belize…

"…An Anaheim Antares Sportbike, a Browning Hi-Power pistol with ammunition, the schematic for the Moonlight Butterfly system–whatever that is, your own theme song as sung by Andrew W.K., and a virgin every month."

"Wait, a _what _every month?" Sayla asked.

"It's what the list says," Matilda said.

Sayla hugged Amuro possessively. "We don't need that last one."

"I could probably do without the theme song, too." Amuro liked Andrew W.K., but only when he sung about parties.

"Well, it's what the list says, and General Revil is very precise about catering to the Ray family's needs. Before I deployed, he even told me 'If he'd prefer it, give the lad a good roll in the hay Lieutenant, he's doing a lot of good for this Army and we should be courteous in compensating him'. "

Amuro couldn't help but smile, the Vist family didn't have shit on him.

Kai promptly lost his shit. "WHAT?"

Ryu slapped a hand over his mouth, leaving Kai to rave in a muffled voice at the absurdity of all of this. Sayla narrowed her eyes at Matilda, as the older woman gave Amuro a teasing smile. "To be perfectly honest, seeing the man himself in person, I wouldn't be adverse to it."

"There's no need, that's all taken care of!" Sayla cheerfully, threateningly said as she held Amuro tighter.

"Sayla, it's getting hard to breathe." Amuro gave this some thought and decided he liked it. "A little tighter, please."

Matilda smiled at Sayla. "It sure looks like it is. You continue to take good care of him, and if you need a hand don't be afraid to call." She winked to her and then went back to talk to Bright and Reed.

Sayla blinked a few times, and then looked down at Amuro. "Do you have some kind of animal magnetism?"

"I don't know, most of the time animals usually ran away from me, or attacked. It's partly why I made Haro," Amuro replied. "But if you mean are women just naturally attracted to me, yeah it happens more often than not."

"If this is going to work out, we have to work on that," Sayla warned him.

Amuro pouted. "Next you're going to tell me I can't play with fire."

Reed quickly stepped up to Matilda as she approached him and Bright. "Leiutenant Ajan, is there a chance that I can return to Jaburo with you? I don't want to catch whatever the rest of this crew has."

"Of course, but you'll have to ride in the back." Matilda looked to Bright. "When you head out, I suggest you make for Washington and head west from there. With Zeon shitting itself collectively, the General wants to move forward with Operation Odessa and needs suitable force to hit the Zeon from the back while he shoves his Big Tray down their throat."

"Lieutenant Ajan, that's disgusting," Reed growled with a grimace.

"Do Zeon up the poop-chute, got it." Bright saluted Matilda. "You can count on me."

Reed let out a groan of frustration. The sooner he was off this damn ship the better!

* * *

California Base was a misnomer, as it was actually a network of over twenty bases located up and down the Californian coast where the Federation constructed most of its weapons, mainly naval assets. When the Zeon showed up, the base actually held its ground quite well, until the Midnight Fenrir Corps and the tactical genius of Garma Zabi literally pulled the complex from under the Federation's feet. Since then, the Zeon have used it not only to build submarines but to serve as a proving ground for some of its newer weapons, such as the shiny new MS-06K Zaku cannons standing around outside the main base complex's hospital.

Inside the hospital, a still masked Char Aznavel sat in a hospital bed, not connected to any IVs or life support, but still looking like he'd had a major psychological breakdown. Ensign Dren, who had miraculously survived the destruction of Garma's personal Gaw unhurt, stood aside with the Lieutenant Commanders Ral and Schmitzer.

"The Doctors say the Lieutenant should've died of exposure walking down the mountain after swimming out of that reservoir, but pure rage kept his body temperature up until he reached the cabin. He's perfectly healthy," Dren said.

"There's nothing healthy about Char's condition," Ramba said. Indeed, Char was sitting upright, staring off into infinity, his mind consumed with thoughts of murder, revenge, and sodomy…with none of it directed towards the Zabi family for once.

Schmitzer shook his head. "It's safe to say that Char's a done deal for now. If not mentally, then after Dozle gets his hands on him for failing to rescue Garma."

"Do we have an update on that?" Ramba asked.

"Yes, The Trojan Horse released another video this morning." Schmitzer sighed. "It showed Garma singing Lady Gaga's Bad Romance at gunpoint."

Ramba winced. War in the information age was rough for more reasons than one. Becoming a meme on YouTube wasn't good for anyone's ego.

"Still, could be worse," Ramba said. "Could've been a Chris Brown song."

"Quite." Schmitzer turned and looked towards the door. "Ramba, be level with me. How screwed are we going into this?"

Ramba sighed and looked at the bulkhead for a moment. He returned his gaze to Char and spoke in a detached, professional manner.

"Well…you do recall what happened to the Trojans, right?" Ramba asked, eyes fixed on the form of their formerly undefeated ace subordinate.

"Their city wiped out, their soldiers killed their, populace enslaved, and their women plundered."

"Ah, the benefits of a classical education," Ramba said with black humor. "I'm not saying that's how it's going to go down. Victories are just victories, what counts is who makes the big wins." He sighed. "But there are several components to victory, and morale is one of them. Zeon's had the high ground from the start in this war–we've defeated the Federation in nearly every engagement, and we gained an aura of invincibility. It demoralized our enemies and strengthened us." He looked out past Char to the grounds of the base beyond, to the sea in the distance.

"That's gone, and even if we destroy the Trojan Horse, the Federation gets a martyr and symbol to rally around. Our 'Happy Days' are over. Now…" And Ramba's eyes narrowed. "Now begins the _real_war."

Schmitzer let out a sigh. "Well, let's rally up the wolves and go out for a hunt. If there's a war to be fought, we won't do it standing around here."

The two headed outside, where Crowley Hamon and Ensign Hepner were waiting. The former had a communique. "Dear," she said to Ramba, "We have a report that the Trojan Horse was resupplied and is on the move again."

"Track its course, and make a list of any targets in that direction," Ramba said. He frowned. "We'll also need everything we can get on its crew and commander."

"Ahead of you on all counts, Lieutenant Commander Ral!" Ensign Hepner said as she held up her tablet. "The Trojan Horse's course is set to send it towards Washington State, we have a POW camp in the vicinity of Spokane."

"And what can you tell us about the crew?" Ramba asked.

"The crew is made up almost entirely of civilians from Side Seven, with the highest known surviving ranked officer being Ensign Bright Noa."

"And what have we got on him?"

"Well, his Facebook says that he graduated bottom of his class from the Federation Naval Academy, and looking into the records there we found it was not because of academic shortcomings but because of a clear contempt for the faculty and his superior officers. It would appear that he was favored by a Captain Paolo Cassius, an instructor at the academy, which was the only reason he was not thrown out on his ass."

Schmitzer hummed. "So, a stubborn little goat. Any other crew members?"

"Just a lot of nobodies, though the daughter of the late Shu Yashima may be aboard the ship, she's one of the many civilians MIA from Side Seven after the incident, as well as the daughter of the late Don Teabolo."

Ramba and Schmitzer both froze at that, for similar reasons. Crowley also looked uncomfortable, which just confused Ensign Hepner. Rather than ask, she continued looking at her list. "Our spies at Jaburo have also reason to believe that the pilot of the White Mobile Suit, the Gundam, may be the son of Tem Ray, the Gundam's creator"

The two Lieutenant Commanders stared at the Ensign in mild disbelief. Ramba spoke, "That's impossible. There's no way Tem Ray could have a son."

"What? Why not?" And why were her superiors acting so strangely about this?

"Because of the Federation Criminal Court-ordered vasectomy given to him back in '61. As well as the law forbidding him from taking in any children as 'disciples, apprentices, test subjects, and/or heirs'."

Schmitzer rubbed his rugged chin. "The more we learn about The Trojan Horse, the less we want to know, it seems. Hepner, gather up the pilots, we're going to deploy to Spokane and hope the Trojan Horse decides to come after the POW camp. We've got new Zakus, plus these Cannon Units."

Ensign Hepner saluted. "I'll get right to the planning phase now!"

Back in the infirmary, Char just continued to stare.

**[Eye Catch]**

Low and slow, the White Base exited Idaho and crossed the border into Washington, staying low to the ground and utilizing only the Minovsky Craft system to fly silently and slowly through heavily controlled Zeon airspace. As a benefit of these conditions, the crew were free to head out onto the ship's weather deck, located at the bow of the centerline hull. It was here, that Kai was still bitching about Amuro.

"In what world does any of that make sense?" He demanded to Frau, who was watching Katz, Letz, and Kikka as they played on the weather deck.

"I guess when you've got a mad scientist to keep in check, it helps to cut him a check," Frau said.

"The Gross Domestic Product of fucking Belize, Frau! Belize! Do you know how much that is?"

"Four point eight billion dollars yearly!" Kikka shouted.

"And they pay him that per month!" Kai did a double take and stared at Kikka, who with Letz was holding onto Katz as he declared his sovereignty over the planet Earth at the center of the weather deck.

"This is also a guy who can build a mobile suit that can outpace a battleship in acceleration and who knows how many other inventions?" Frau asked.

"What is he even going to do with that kind of money?"

"I'd blow it on blackjack and hookers," Katz said.

Kai looked at Katz, and then at Frau. "What in God's name have you been teaching these kids?"

"He didn't get it from me!" Frau said defensively.

"Icelina showed us Futurama on Netflix; Bender is funny," Letz said.

"And now I have _another_reason to hurt her," Frau grunted.

"Do you have a problem with Futurama?" Icelina asked as she walked out onto the deck.

"Oh great, it's the other Princess. What, that makes three now on this ship?" Kai grumbled.

"It's just not the kind of thing to show to kids at this age! they don't need to be assholes until they're teenagers!" Frau protested. She covered her mouth. "Um…"

"You were giving them extra ice cream for shooting the parachutes!" Icelina pointed out.

"That's different! Having a thirst for revenge at a young age is perfectly healthy!"

"Could the two of you can it before you start pulling hair and spitting in each other's mouths?" At Frau and Icelina's disgusted looks, Kai leaned against the railing and stared out over the rolling hills ahead. "Doesn't anybody find Amuro or anything about him weird? Frightening? _Sinister_?"

"Of course not!" Frau said earnestly.

Kai stared at Frau, he stared at her pointedly and with all of his 'Are you fucking kidding me' might. She looked to the side, and her hands clenched together.

"…Well… not in person," Frau amended. "I mean, in the Gundam, sure he's scary…" She scowled at Kai. "But what does that have to do with anything? Anyone would be scary in that thing! Having to do what he does!"

"He doesn't seem that bad to me either, I think he's a pretty cool guy," Icelina said. "Garma admires him too."

"He lets us play with Haro!" Kikka said as she held up the aforementioned robot.

"Amuro taught me how to play Battlefield of Duty, and gave me points to get DLC!" Letz added.

Katz had his own testimonial. "He showed me how to play the Song of Storms on electric guitar, and then dubstep it!"

"Drop the bass! Drop the bass!" Haro chirped.

Kai grumbled. "Can I at least have some agreement that the kid is unhinged?"

Frau's fingers clenched around the railing, and she worried her lip. She looked over at Kai, her eyes steeled and narrowed.

"Maybe a little… but I'm not going to treat him like a pariah. After all, without him we'd be dead. I think that guarantees him a little slack at _least!"_

"That's all I want, just a little acknowledgement that he's fucked in his head," Kai grumbled. He didn't think planting the seeds of doubt and suspicion would be so tough, but given everyone else on this ship was insane he lambasted himself for suggesting otherwise.

"Look, look! I see buildings!" Katz then shouted.

Icelina frowned. "Buildings? We might be seen, shouldn't we change direction?"

Frau looked out over the approaching skyline, and her eyes widened in disbelief and shock. "Oh no… what happened?"

Kai stared. "Well, we won't have to worry about being seen at least."

In front of them were the gutted, burnt out ruins of Spokane, Washington. It had begun as a fur trading post in the early 1800s, and grown into a hub of mining, logging and agriculture. Towards the end of the 20th century these industries had declined, but the town had reinvted itself with the nascent green technology movement and attracted great investments in the arts and local sciences. By the Universal Century it had blossomed into a center of manufacturing computer components hardened for use in space, which were transported to local spaceports via rail. It had, however, retained the last vestiges of the Northwestern computer guru culture by being host to a plethora of nerdy hipsters making up the nightclub scene and snooty post-post-_post_modernist performance artists.

So in hindsight, its destruction may have been inevitable even without the logistical importance of the city, if not past due.

It was now home to a different sort of crime against humanity: A Zeon prisoner of war camp.

"Though for the life of me I'm not sure where it's supposed to be." Bright was looking at the map Garma had drawn up for him, as the ship began its passage over the ruins. Garma himself was a bit confused.

"I don't remember there being a military operation here. Yes, we established a camp outside the city's limits, but there was absolutely nothing of military value out here to warrant this."

"Maybe it was destroyed during the colony drop?" One of the chair guys suggested.

Bright shook his head. "No, all that debris fell south of here."

Mirai sighed. "Guys, it's been like this since before the war."

Bright and Garma stared at Mirai, who rolled her eyes. "Don't you read the news? Two years ago? Half of Spokane burned to the ground in a wholly misguided attempt at eradicating an out of control raccoon population."

"Huh, I would've heard about that," Bright said.

Garma was confused. "What's a raccoon?"

"Apparently something you'd burn down an entire city to get rid of," The other chair guy said

Oh yeah, colonists, Bright had to remember the folks he was working with. "We're going to hide White Base in the city, and perform a daring raid on the POW camp. From there, we can ferry the prisoners to neutral Canada."

Garma looked around the group. "It'd work to our advantage if we had someone who knew the area."

Sayla, sitting at her station, swiveled around in her chair. "Amuro's from here, you know."

Silence fell on the bridge, for all of a second, before Bright spoke, "Ah, suddenly this city burning to the ground in a misadventure involving raccoons makes sense."

* * *

Sporting new plates and a white paint-job, Amuro's ill-gotten Anaheim Buffalo, the Dodge Charger of the Universal Century, made its way down the empty streets of Spokane. Amuro was in the driver's seat, with Sayla riding shotgun, and in the back seat were Ryu and Frau. Everyone was out of uniform, dressed as casual as possible–though Frau complained that Amuro going shirtless was a bit too casual. Sayla had no complaints.

"So, you set the city on fire to kill raccoons," Frau said as they drove towards the less burned down part of the city.

"In my defense, my father was contracted to do the job, but because he was busy on Project V at the time he subcontracted it to me. When I asked him how I could possibly get rid of over four hundred thousand raccoons he said 'Fire always works', so I used fire."

"A lot of fire, man," Ryu said as he beheld a gutted strip mall.

Amuro shrugged his shoulders. "Well, it's not my fault that the wind picked up and turned it into a far-reaching firestorm that consumed all in its path. It sure was pretty, though."

"It's a miracle nobody died," Frau muttered.

"Why hasn't anyone tried to rebuild?" Sayla asked Amuro before Amuro slammed on the brakes. Everyone looked ahead, to see a thousand-pound grizzly bear crossing the street in front of them.

Frau gulped. "Is that a bear?"

"Small one by Spokane standards," Amuro replied. When everyone stared at him, he explained, "After the fires went out the smell of dead, charred raccoons attracted dozens of Grizzly Bears, and they've been here ever since."

Frau watched the bear as they drove on past it, her face pale. "This town is full of giant unstoppable Godless killing machines."

Amuro nodded. "Just don't look tasty to them and you'll be fine."

"I bet I could kill one with my bare hands," Ryu said. He totally could.

Amuro laughed. "You totally could." See? "Anyway, let's head over to my house, if we're lucky someone from my neighborhood might know where the camp is."

It didn't take them long to leave the ruins of Spokane to the actually habitable part of it. Aside from the Zeon flags hanging from every street light down the main strip of the city, it looked exactly like Amuro left it. However, after only five minutes of traveling down the main road, they found an unmistakable Federation presence. Federation MPs, Federation Flags, even a spray-painted symbol of the Trojan Horse on a brick wall.

Amuro was as puzzled as his passengers. "Well, this is weird."

"Maybe it's an East and West Berlin kind of thing?" Frau immediately proposed. "Spokane is really close to neutral territory, so maybe the Zeon are letting the Federation manage the north side of it?"

"It could be that, but it's still strange." Amuro pulled around a corner and drove into a cul de sac, where several suburban style houses were nicely arranged with well kept lawns and white picket fences on some of them. One house in particular stood out, the grass was overgrown with beer bottles littered around it, a dog house near the front door was smashed to pieces, and the once healthy tree that stood on it was dead and withered. This upset Amuro some.

"What the hell happened to my house?" He asked as he turned off the car and stepped out.

Sayla emerged next, and joined him. "Maybe your mother moved?"

"No way, Mom loved this house. It goes back like six generations."

Ryu and Frau climbed out of the car next, as a commotion went up across the street. A lemonade stand across the street run by a pair of adorable children was in the process of being knocked over by a pair of armed Federation soldiers, MPs given their arm bands. The little boy was standing up to the men, while the little girl bawled her eyes out as the glass pitcher her mother entrusted them with broke on the ground.

"You big bullies! We were just trying to sell some lemonade!" The boy yelled at the soldiers.

"And it tasted like shit!" One of the soldiers, a skinny, greasy looking fellow, said as he splashed the boy in the face with the lemonade in his glass.

"Hey!" The boy squawked helplessly.

The other soldier, a stout, slovenly fat man, held up one of the glasses that was also being used. "This is against Federation regulations, you should have plastic cups, not these glass ones!" He threw it on the ground at the crying girl's feet, causing her to cry even louder.

"Those bullies!" Frau growled.

Ryu was already rolling up his sleeves. "You man, that shit ain't cool!"

"Amuro!" Sayla shouted, because he was already running straight for the soldiers. Reaching the tall one, Amuro grabbed him by the back of the head and leaped past him, performing a textbook Running Bulldog that drove the skinny bastard face first into the mess of ice, glass, and sweetened lemon juice that he'd just created on the pavement.

The fat soldier jumped back as Amuro got up, and quickly fumbled for his rifle. "You little son of a bitch!"

Ryu then tapped on his shoulder, and when the fat bastard turned to look, he met the humongous Hispanic's hefty fist face first. He dropped like a sack of bricks, as the crying girl quickly broke into a cheer.

Sayla checked her watch as she and Frau walked over. "Not even five minutes and we've already caused a scene. That's a record."

Amuro nudged the soldier with his foot, and shook his head, as the dark-haired mother of the two children ran outside in a clear panic. "Oh my God, what have you done?" She stopped when she saw Amuro, and her eyes widened. "Oh my goodness, A-Amuro? Amuro!"

Amuro looked over and waved. "Hi Ms. Baker, I'm back!" The mother of the two children quickly ran up to Amuro and hugged him, pulling his face into her ample bosom. "Mmph."

"Amuro! Amuro~! Sweetie, you're home and you're all in one piece!" The woman cheered happily as she continued to hug him to the point that he was likely going to asphyxiate. Sayla narrowed her eyes and let out an annoyed hum at the over the top display of affection.

"That's a really warm welcome for someone who destroyed a city," Frau said.

"Even the MILFs want him, man," Ryu lamented.

Ms. Baker pulled Amuro away, and looked him over. "You've gotten taller, and you're keeping yourself in shape."

"Well, that's all Dad, really." Amuro then looked around. "Mr. Baker isn't around, is he?"

Sayla grew a little more annoyed at Amuro's slightly worried tone.

Ms. Baker sent her children inside the house, and shook her head. "No, he's been gone since the Zeon invaded, taken to the POW camp. A lot of the men and boys have."

Amuro crossed his arms. "What?"

"Isn't this Federation held, how'd the men get imprisoned?" Frau asked.

"It's stupid," Ms. Baker looked down at the two soldiers as Ryu was handcuffing them. "Those MPs are actually Zeon soldiers pretending to be Federation soldiers."

Amuro, Sayla, Frau, and Ryu stared at her and let out a collective "What".

"Ever since the Zeon took Spokane, they've been perpetuating this act that they are allowing Federation soldiers to administer security to this part of town." Ms. Baker explained. "The truth is, these Federation soldiers are all Zeon trying to make the Federation look bad. Men like these will come into neighborhoods and harass us, and when people are fed up with them, Zeon soldiers will show up and cart the Federation soldiers away while acting like chivalrous and honorable men, to try to warm us up to Zeon occupation."

Ryu put it succinctly. "Yo mami, that's retarded."

"It is, they're doing it all over the Pacific Northwest, Seattle, Portland, every major city, pretty much." Ms. Baker shook her head.

"D-does it work? Does anyone else know about this?" Frau asked.

"Everyone knows it's an act, we just go along with it because it makes the Zeon think they're in control so they don't bother us," Ms. Baker replied.

Amuro scratched his chin and hummed. "Yes, like a woman faking an orgasm to make her husband feel better about himself."

Ms. Baker's eyes lit up at that, and she smiled suggestively to Amuro. "Speaking of…"

Amuro held up his hands. "Ah, Ms. Baker, as much as I'd love to go for another romp, that's all behind me." He stepped back and then pushed Sayla forward. "This is Sayla Mass, my girlfriend."

"Hi," Sayla said frostily.

Frau then realized that Amuro came to Side Seven for more than just burning the city down. "Sayla, don't get mad."

"I'm not mad." She totally was. "Amuro told me about what and who he did, so I'm ready to face it." She totally wasn't.

Ms. Baker was impressed. "Goodness, you're really his girlfriend!" She was impressed the girl could still walk! "Well, you should go meet Kamaria then."

Amuro brightened. "My mother's still alive? But the house…"

"Oh, those impostors drove her out, so she went to work at the refugee camp by the airport," Ms. Baker explained.

"The airport?" Amuro hummed. "Ms. Baker, do the Zeons use the airport as their base?"

"Of course, they hardly let anyone there. In fact, I'm certain that they're using it as their POW Camp."

Amuro pounded his fist into his palm. "Fucking solid. Ryu, Frau, Sayla, we're going to see my Mom, and hopefully we'll find out more about the POWs." He smiled to Ms. Baker. "Thank you Ms. Baker, don't worry, we'll be bringing your husband home soon."

Ms. Baker hugged Amuro, banishing him once again to Marshmallow Hell. "Thank you, sweetie! Though I really wouldn't mind if you and I had one more fling before then."

Sayla's face flushed with anger, before the MILFy woman said, "Your girlfriend can join in if she doesn't want to feel jealous."

Ryu grabbed Amuro by his shoulders and pulled him away. "Sounds great, but we gotta go." He grabbed a gobsmacked Sayla, whose mouth was moving but no words were coming out. He then looked to Frau, who was in a similar state. "Hey mamacita, we out!"

Frau blinked a few turns, and bowed politely to Ms. Baker before following Ryu to the car. "R-right!"

* * *

At Spokane Airport, a large crowd of young and impressionable Zeon soldiers had gathered to watch the last of several Gaw land on a runway that barely supported the gargantuan aircraft. They had been given word that the Blue Giant Ramba Ral and the Midnight Fenrir were here to deal with the Trojan Horse, sighted in the dense ruins of the city earlier in the day, and all were eager to see celebrities of the Zeon war effort in person. When the man himself left the Gaw, with his dear Crowley at his side, the crowd cheered and cameras snapped.

"My, this is the star treatment." Crowley said to her superior and lover (superior lover?).

As flattering as the cheers and praise were, Ramba could not bring himself to bask in it, aside from a friendly wave to the crowd. "They should be out looking for the Trojan Horse. This city doesn't have much in the way of structures or terrain that can be used to hide it, so how did they make a ship painted white disappear in broad daylight?"

"Perhaps they hid it under a tarp?" Crowley joked.

Ramba stroked his fantastic moustache as he considered it. "A very real possibility. The Trojan Horse is very talented," he gestured to the crowd as it went nuts for the first Zaku Cannon stepping off they Gaw, "And they are so dumb."

Crowley was shocked. "Dear! It's rude to speak so poorly of these boys!"

Somewhere in the burnt out ruins of Spokane, a Zeon patrol consisting of a jeep and two Zakus stared up at what was clearly the White Base, completely covered by a bright blue tarp.

"Was that here this morning?" The soldier driving the jeep asked.

"It's probably some stupid Earther's snooty post-post-_post_modernist performance art project. Leave it alone, I want to hit up a Timmy Ho's," The passenger said.

Back at the airport, Ramba shook his head. "Trust me Hamon, I just know these things."

Leaving the crown behind, they headed over to the Base Commander's truck, and the base commander standing outside it. The base commander was taller than Dozle Zabi, about twice as broad, and looked like he could bench press a Zaku. He was about as ugly as a Zaku, too, with a bald head, eyepatch and what looked like waffle iron burns on his forehead, cheek, and neck.

"Lieutenant Commander Ramba Ral! It's an honor to meet one of Zeon's finest in person!" Colonel Zong von Schneider all but yelled to his subordinate with an edge of condescension to his voice.

Ramba nodded and saluted the superior officer. "Colonel Schneider–."

"Von Schneider!" Colonel von Schneider corrected.

"…Right, Colonel as you're well aware of Zeon's entering crisis mode. Prince Garma is still a prisoner of the Trojan Horse, and it's been sighted in this area," Ramba reminded the Colonel.

Colonel von Schneider's scarred face turned up in a sneer. "I'm well aware of that! Due to the incompetence of the Red Comet we've lost hundreds of men and nearly two dozen mobile suits!"

"The Lieutenant's competence was not the issue, we were outmatched by the enemy's superior technology and ambush tactics. I personally found them impressive," Ramba said in Char's defense.

"Even as your ship was shot out from under you?" Colonel von Schneider laughed derisively. "It's helpful to know that you take humiliating defeat so carefree, Blue Giant."

Crowley already didn't like how this guy was talking down to her man, while Ramba took it in stride. "Even Dozle loses his fights, what's important is that we've lived to learn from these defeats. This brings me to you, Colonel. The Trojan Horse may mean to attack your base here."

Colonel von Schneider stared at Ramba as if the man grew an extra head, and grinned darkly. "Oh, and what gives you that impression?"

"The pilot of the Federation's white mobile suit is believed to be the son of the man who developed it, Tem Ray, and the boy was raised in this area."

Colonel von Schneider refused to believe it. "That man had a son!"

What sort of woman could possibly find that twisted mad scientist attractive enough to let him paw her?

"Yes," Ramba replied before he looked to Hamon. "Read the dossier on him, Hamon."

Hamon held up a datapad, and began reciting what it said. Amuro 'Super Shooter' Ray, fifteen years old old: also known as 'Afro Reaper', also known as 'Tuxedo Mask', also known as 'Spitfire', also known as 'The Seattle Thunderbird', also known as 'MILF Destroyer', also known as… 'Baron Samedi'?"

"Baron Samedi?" Colonel von Schneider asked.

Crowley shrugged her shoulders. "It's what it says."

Colonel von Schneider folded his hands behind his back and chuckled. "So there's a chance the sprog will try to act here, out of his weak Earther sentimentality. That will only get him killed!"

"I wouldn't underestimate him," Ramba said in a quite reasonable tone.

"Or the rest of that daring band of rapscallions for that matter, dear."

"Indeed sweetie," Ramba agreed. "The Trojan Horse has pulled off many daring things, many things said impossible."

Crowley hummed. "Certainly, right at this moment they're probably planning their next decisive movements."

Aboard the obviously tarped over White Base, Bright sat in his chair on the bridge, boredly twiddling his thumbs, and staring at the back of Mirai's head as she worked on a Sudoku puzzle book.

"Hey Mirai," he said.

"Yes?" Mirai didn't look up from her book.

"Want to go have sex?"

Mirai scratched down a number in the book. "After I'm done with this book."

"All right." Bright went back to twiddling his thumbs.

Back at the base, Crowley nodded. "Tireless tactical geniuses."

Colonel von Schneider sniffed disdainfully. "Luck is a far more likely explanation. Luck runs out."

"That goes both ways, Colonel, don't test yours by underestimating this opponent," Lieutenant Commander Schmitzer said as he finally joined the group. "Ral, my team is ready to deploy and search for the Trojan Horse."

Colonel von Schneider loudly cleared his throat and all eyes moved to him. Schmitzer addressed him, "Yes?"

"The search for the Trojan Horse will be handled by my own MS unit. My forces are intimately familiar with this area…" The large man let out a slimy chuckle. "…Intimate indeed."

Crowley, through the grace and self control earned through years of practice, resisted the urge to empty her sidearm into the man's leering face.

Ramba tempted fate. "I hope that wasn't an innuendo."

And he, Crowley, and Schmitzer were punished for it. The monstrous mountain of maleness let out a booming laugh. "Oh no, no, it was just a joke, because we've rounded all the men and boys up and put them in the POW Camp and there's nothing but women in the town now."

Ramba opened his mouth but no words came out. Schmitzer squinted all Clint Eastwood-like at Colonel Schmitzer, measuring his contempt carefully. "I'm sorry, Colonel, fly that by me again?"

"It's an ongoing experiment, right out of Lord Gihren's writings on Earthers," Schneider said, still smiling. "I had my men arrest the men and boys of the city, and by keeping them away from the women I deprive them of the one thing the slovenly Earth Elite require more than anything else…"

The Lieutenant Commanders and the exceedingly lovely Crowley wanted him to say the obvious, like their families, their loved ones, and so on, but Colonel von Schneider wasn't going to let them have nice things. "…Sex!"

At their controlled looks of dismay, he continued. "It's straight out of the Roman play, Lysitrata! Separate the men and the women, and their unsatisfied desire to breed like dogs in heat will bring the Earthers to their knees before me!"

He might've thought he spared them by not adding "Preferably the women" and laughing lecherously, but Ramba, Crowley, and Schmitzer added it in their heads.

Crowley found her fingers closing around her gun and even easing it out of her holster, but a quick look from Ral and she was innocently adjusting her makeup in a compact as von Schneider turned his gaze on her.

"…At any rate, we'll leave the recon to you. Bear in mind, however, that our force is equipped to deal with the Trojan Horse and its MS," Schmitzer spoke, wanting mainly to drop any and all discussion with this man.

Colonel von Schneider nodded. "Very well! In the meantime, how about I show you around the camp! Gihren was so impressed by what he's heard that he's enacted my policy in other citites in the region!"

Ramba quickly tried to back out. "We should be preparing…"

"Nonsense, it'll only take a few moments, and by the time we're done, my scouts will have found the Trojan Horse." At least that's what he was planning in his damn twisted mind. These lucky Earthers would screw up soon enough, there was no way that they'd be so clever, so suave that they'd be able to slip into his town and escape his notice.

* * *

Less than a mile from the airport, Amuro's Anaheim Buffalo pulled into a refugee camp made up of mainly the infirm and the elderly seeking free passage into Neutral Canada. Actual Zeon soldiers patrolled this camp, and made a show of it by being excessively accommodating to the refugees at the camp, they even had wi-fi and video games in every trailer among other luxuries.

"Luxury trailers, it seems wrong," Amuro muttered as they pulled up to an attractive female Zeon soldier acting as a valet.

"Should… should we let her take the car?" Frau asked.

"Of course," Amuro murmured back.

"Don't forget the tip, jefe," Ryu said as they climbed out of the car.

"I know, I know." Amuro handed the Zeon valet the screwdriver he used to start the car. "Do not touch the trim."

The valet soldier looked at the screwdriver, and then looked back as Amuro and his posse continued on, in awe of the shirtless youth's good looks and nonchalance. "Wow…"

Sayla glanced back at the soldier, and tried not to feel hilariously insecure. She had picked up a stress ball from a fuel station on their way, specifically for taking her mind off Amuro's promiscuous past.

"Uh, Sayla, that stress ball broke," Frau pointed out.

Sayla looked down at the ruined cloth and the flecks of sand still falling from it, and tossed it before pulling another from her bag. Frau realized that today was going to be unpleasant for everyone involved.

"Ryu," she whispered nervously.

"I know, mami, I know." Ryu knew that it probably wasn't going to take much, and that when it finally happened, Sayla snapping, people were going to enter a world of pain, Walter Sobchak-style.

As they ventured further into the camp, they found the luxury extended beyond facilities and valets, there were various Zeon Soldiers going about acting as helpers, assistants, and even servants to the refugees. It was beyond galling.

"This is ridiculous, how they're buttering them all up like this," Sayla seethed.

"What was that? I can't hear you over the sound of all this dick being sucked," Amuro replied.

"I bet if you asked, they'd do it," Ryu said.

Amuro looked around, and called over to a passing Zeon soldier, a young man around Garma's age. "Hey you," he called over in a light, honeyed tone, "What's a man got to do to get some fellatio around here?"

The soldier stared at Amuro, wondering what he meant for a moment.

Amuro rolled his eyes. "You. Suck my dick."

Frau blushed brightly, Ryu buried his face in his palm, and Sayla was rapidly squeezing the stress ball as her mouth hung open in disbelief. The soldier, flushing brightly, looked around and then he glanced with uncertainty towards one of the trailers. "Um…can we do this quick, I have to be somewhere…"

The stress ball burst into flames in Sayla's hand, as Ryu quickly intervened. "Yo man, he was joking, chill, you don't have to do that."

"Oh, sorry." The soldier did look a bit disappointed though. "The commander's orders are to give the refugees going to Canada whatever they like, we can't say no to any request… well, except for harming ourselves or others after the last three requests for fighting to the death in the bear cage."

"Sayla, Sayla breathe, it's okay if it's guy on guy, really it is!" Frau said in an utterly vain attempt at calming Sayla down.

"No, it's not okay if it's guy on guy," Sayla growled back. "I don't care what you and Mirai are into."

Frau made a mental note to connect with Mirai about this interesting revelation, provided she survived Sayla today. Before she could inadvertently set Sayla off and kill everyone in the camp with a weak attempt at reasoning, a large shadow fell over them. Amuro, Ryu, Sayla, and Frau turned around to see what had to be a three thousand pound grizzly bear staring down at them.

They stared at the bear.

The bear blinked.

They continued to stare with care at the bear.

The bear licked its chops, revealing massive and deadly looking teeth.

Frau broke into hysterical laughter and fell to the ground unconscious.

The Zeon soldier looked down at Frau, and then over to the woman holding the leash of this bear and another that trailed behind her. "Uh, Miss Kamaria, it's only a matter of time before one of these newbies really flip out and we have an incident."

Walking up to the front of the bear and the group, was a rather unassuming, plain woman with Amuro's mildly curly reddish brown hair, and wearing a sun dress the same shade of pink as Char's Zaku. "Both Vivol and Moon Bear are therapy bears, they wouldn't hurt anyone. Everyone knows that." She hugged the bear around its neck. "Isn't that right, Vivol?"

The bear responded by resting a paw on her shoulder and licking her face affectionately. It was then that Amuro cheerfully called to her, "Hi Mom!"

Kamaria did a double-take, and grew wide-eyed. "Amuro? Amuro!"

Releasing the bear's leash, Kamaria embraced her son and nuzzled him with her bear-drool covered face. "My sweet little firebug, you're home!"

Sayla looked to Ryu. "I'm not surprised by this."

"You wanna be though," he replied.

"Yeah," Sayla said before she let out a sigh. "Yeah."

Once Frau Bow had regained consciousness for the third time (seeing the bear standing over her when she awoke caused her to laugh and faint again), Amuro and his party were seated with his mother and both the bears under an ornate and extravagant gazebo normally used by the Side 3 Players' Shakespeare in the Park performances. While the gazebo was rather nice, the performances were not so much, especially since the only plays the spacenoid troupe seemed to be decently familiar with were Titus Andronicus and Timon of Athens, and even those were frequently mixed them up, resulting in numerous impromptu performances of Timon Andronicus, Titus of Athens, and in one unfortunate instance that still has a few people waking up in a cold sweat in the middle of the night, Timon of Titus.

"So, you train these bears to be friendly?" Frau asked as she rubbed the stomach of the grizzly bear lying next to her like a dog. "How did they get so big?"

"A carefully formulated diet and exercise plan combined with some genetic tampering," Kamaria replied as she watched Ryu mock wrestle with the other bear. Amuro was cuddling his mother, getting his head scratched like a dog and being quite content about it.

"Yeah, but they're still bears, how are they so… laid back?" Frau watched as Ryu managed to put the giant bear into a headlock and wrestle it to the ground.

"She hand raised them herself," Amuro explained. "She's had these two since before I was born, they babysat me."

Sayla found herself a little sad that she still wasn't surprised by this.

Kamaria nodded. "They're perfectly tame, all of the bears around here are."

Ryu was in the midst of being held over the shoulders of the bear he was wrestling. "Wait, they all are?" The bear promptly body-slammed him. "Oof!"

"Oh course, I've been working tirelessly for almost twenty years to domesticate the Grizzly Bear, and I'm making great progress. Vivol and Moon Bear's stock has a temperament equivalent to a Newfoundland, though I was aiming more for German Shepherd."

Frau was a amazed, as she looked down at the bear she realized she was now cuddling without fear. "That's amazing, you should get a Nobel Prize for this!"

Sayla was still a bit confused. "Why Grizzly Bears though, why not Black or something smaller and more manageable?"

Kamaria smiled big. "Oh, Amuro's father wanted an army of loyal Bear Soldiers to protect his assets. It was either Grizzly or Polar, but I don't really care for Polar Bears, they're too resource intensive."

"Ah, I see," Frau and Sayla said together as they nodded. Were Kai here at this very moment, he'd be smacking his head against one of the gazebo's supports, wishing the world would end or start making sense.

"Hey man, can I take one home with me?" Ryu asked, as he was held in a double wrist-lock by the other bear.

"Of course you can have a bear, sweetie, but not him. He's a therapy bear, children cuddle him to deal with the war," Kamaria replied to the oddly named Puerto Rican.

"Funny you should say that, mami, we got a ship full of kids who need therapy." Ryu looked pointedly at Frau with that.

Frau giggled when the bear she was hugging licked her face. "He's right, I could hug him all day and feel like everything's going to be all right."

Kamaria slowly nodded, and then looked down to Amuro. "You've really done a number on these people, haven't you?"

"It's not my fault Mom, I swear. All I did was get in Dad's Gundam, kill a few Zeons, and it all snowballed from here. That said, this is all Char Aznavel's fault."

"Yes," Frau agreed.

"His fault entirely," Ryu added.

"I think he might be my brother," Sayla blurted.

Everyone stared at Sayla in surprise, even Amuro. Sayla blinked a few times, and buried her face in her palm. "Oh God damn it, I said that out loud."

"This makes everything I've done to you–and you've done to me–even more awesome," Amuro declared.

That reminded Kamaria. "Firebug, sweetie, what happened to your Father?"

"Last I saw, he was going to get himself captured by the Zeon and wreck their whole operation from the inside."

Kamaria sighed. "That's about right."

Sayla managed to recover from her gaffe, and fight off Frau and Ryu's stares to finally ask. "Speaking of wrecking operations, there's a POW camp over at the airport, and we were hoping you knew anything about it."

"Oh, that place? I know a lot about it, Colonel von Schneider uses the prisoners to extend the runway to allow for Zeon's heavier transport craft. He works them to the bone and treats them like animals," Kamaria said with a forlorn expression. She had nothing but sympathy for those poor sons of bitches. "I smuggle them food and water on the hotter days."

"That's terrible!" Frau gasped.

"Making civilians work like that violates the Antarctic Treaty, man. It's definitely a Class C," Ryu said.

Amuro hummed. "What else can you tell us about the camp, Mom?"

"They're kept in the terminal and the hangars immediately connected to the terminal itself. There are thousands of prisoners there, more than can be fed and tended to. The mortality rate is pretty high." Kamaria looked in its direction. "If you're going to bust it up, I'll round up the bears and we'll support."

"Round up the bears? Wait, they'll attack the Zeon?" Frau asked.

Kamaria smiled. "I trained these bears to be Temmy's army, remember?" She looked to Amuro. "Just give say the word and we will march into hell, sweetie."

Amuro smiled broadly. "You're the best, Mom." He got up, and stretched. "Well, we've got intel on the camp and on the location of the prisoners. I suppose we should go straight to the part where we gleefully murder everyone on Zeon's payroll."

Frau jumped up, her eyes gleaming. "Hell yes, jefe!"

Sayla looked to Ryu. "I think you're rubbing off on her."

"Sayla dear, when you're done with all that murder, I'll need to talk to you about something. It's really important," Kamaria said to Sayla as the meddlesome kids started leaving the gazebo.

"Can't you tell me now?" Sayla wondered what it could be.

Kamaria shook her head. "No, it can wait those poor people come first. Just go do your mission, don't die, and come see me right after. Oh… and do take it easy, overexerting yourself is dangerous, especially in your condition."

Sayla blinked. "W-what?"

"We'll discuss it later, now go." She looked past Sayla and waved. "Good luck sweetie, and have lots of fun out there okay?"

"I will, Mom!" Amuro called back.

* * *

Garma was on his way to the bridge of the White Base in search of a status report. The away team had been gone for a while now, and with the tell-tale rumbles of Zakus moving around the city, he was worried about the away team, and being discovered before their plan could go into motion. As he reached the doors, he found the two bridge bunnies who were normally sitting outside the door, which was cracked open.

"Oscar? Marker? What are you two doing out here?" He asked in confusion.

"Figures that the Zeon guy would remember our names," Oscar muttered.

Marker shook his head. "Don't give him too much credit, the author just got around to looking up our information. Gutted Wren Studios this guy ain't." He looked to Garma. "Hey there Your Majesty, how's it hanging?"

Garma was going to ignore that. "Why are you two outside?"

"Figured we'd give the Captain and Mirai some private time, if you know what I mean," Oscar said as he winked and gave Garma nudge with his elbow.

"Sorry guys, she said later." Bright called out.

"Aw damn it," Oscar grumbled as the doors opened and the two plus Garma walked in.

Marker looked at his camera. "Charged it and everything."

Garma looked at the two and over to Mirai. "You're taking this harassment surprisingly well."

"I'm an exhibitionist," Mirai flatly replied.

Seriously, what was this crew on? Garma would worry about that later. He looked over to Bright. "Captain, the Zeon forces are moving."

"I know," Bright replied.

"What's our plan?"

"Kai's got it."

That worried Garma. "Kai's got it?"

He was under the impression that Kai was an incompetent little…

"Son of a bitch!" Mirai suddenly snapped. Garma looked over at her, and found that she was furiously erasing her sudoku puzzle.

He slowly turned his attention back to Bright. "…Is that a good idea?"

"He may be a little fuck-stain but Kai's pretty solid when you need a solid guy," Bright replied.

Outside, one of the Spokane Base's Zaku IIs came across one of its wingmen, the Zaku II unit was hidden among the taller buildings in the burnt out part of town, and perfectly still. The pilot blinked in confusion. "Hey, what are you doing here, did you find the Trojan Horse?"

There was no reply from the motionless Zaku II. As the curious pilot moved closer, he failed to notice that his footsteps had become louder for some reason. "Hey, buddy? You okay?"

He walked around his wingmate's Zaku, and found there was a curious gash on the Zaku's abdomen… right about where the cockpit would be. "What the-!"

"Shh," the pilot heard Kai hiss over the radio, before the Guncannon sank an armor-piercing knife into the Zaku's cockpit.

Slowly removing the knife, and leaving the Zaku standing there like its wingmate, the Guncannon stepped away and hid in the valley of burnt-out buildings. "That makes three," Kai said to himself with a chuckle.

Nearby, another Zaku II walked past the tarp-covered White Base, its pilot giving it close scrutiny. "Hey, was this here this morning?"

The concerned pilot turned and walked his MS over to the ship, before reaching out to grab the tarp.

"PROTECTED BY VIPER, STAND BACK." A booming voice called from underneath the tarp, and the Zaku II jumped back.

"Oh, oh! S-sorry!" The Zaku pilot quickly yelped before he guided his machine away from the landed ship.

Inside the ship, Bright shook his head. "My God, we're going to win this war."

Garma nodded. "Yes, yes we are."

A call then came in, and Bright found that it was from Amuro. "There's my fucking hero." He picked up the phone. "What up, broseidon?"

"What is the most horrific thing you can possibly imagine happening to a bunch of Zeon soldiers?" Amuro asked. Before Bright could answer, he cut him off, "Don't bothering answering because it will pale in comparison to what's about to happen within the next forty-five minutes."

Bright blinked, and then looked down. "Not gonna lie man, but that gave me the weirdest boner right now. Just tell us where not to shoot and we'll kill everything else."

"Ask and you shall receive; now get the Gundam ready, we're coming back."

"It's already done." He looked over to Mirai. "Mirai, we're taking off, Marker, Oscar, call the orphans and tell them to man the CIC stations. Garma?"

Garma stood attention. "Yes Captain?"

Bright tapped on the armrest. "Sit back, crack open a cool one with me, and watch the fireworks."

* * *

Unaware of the hell about to befall Spokane Base, Colonel Schneider-

"Von Schneider!"

…Okay… Colonel von Schneider was showing off the work on the end of the airport's runway and the hundreds of men ranging from the ages of fifteen to fifty-five toiling away on it manually. With him, the Lieutenant Colonels and Crowley did not bother to wonder why the Colonel randomly yelled his last name to the sky, because they were too busy being horrified by the obvious human rights abuse occurring before their eyes.

"This is a Class C," Schmitzer muttered. "We're going to hang for this."

"But we can testify and gain immunity, or at the very least a lighter sentence. I was a lawyer before I joined up. I've got this." Crowley whispered.

"As you can see, while they pale before our superior Spacenoid Intellect, the common Earther has many uses in manual labor and a surprisingly high endurance! Why, I've rationed their meals to one a day and disrupted their sleep, and they still find the strength to carry heavy loads and operate heavy machinery!" Colonel von Schneider boasted with a laugh.

"We're fueled by our hatred for you!" one of the laborers shouted.

"And the hope to see you driven before us as we hear the lamentations of your women!" another yelled.

Crowley suddenly felt very uncomfortable here, and hid behind Ramba, who had all he could take. "Schneider-!"

"VON SCHNEI-!"

"Shut up, I don't care! This is insane, stupid and insane! If Prince Garma knew about what you were doing, he would shoot you in the face and teabag your corpse." Ramba stepped up to the much larger man, as Crowley elected to hide behind Schmitzer instead.

Colonel von Schneider's unpatched eye widened as he grinned. "Well, Lieutenant Commander, if it weren't for you, I would have to worry about such a thing. As it is, I answer only to my direct superior, Lord Gihren and I most certainly don't take kindly to being insulted by one of Dozle's muscle-men."

"Zong, I'm warning you only once. You will treat these prisoners in accordance to the rules laid out by the Antarctic Treaty or so God help me I'll…"

Colonel von Schneider leaned forward, appearing a giant compared to Ramba. "You'll what, kill a superior officer?"

Ramba, unflinchingly, removed his gloves and then his jacket. "Right here, right now."

Before anyone could start throwing down in the most manliest of ways, there was a report and then an obvious whistling. Colonel von Schneider turned and looked around. "What in the devil is that noi-."

A pair of White Base's 22-inch shells smashed through one of the Gaws sitting on the airport's taxiway, ripping through it and setting off an explosion that destroyed the craft. The explosion almost immediately destroyed the Gaws adjacent to it, and turned the entire taxiway into a river of fire and explosions.

"And now everything is on fire," Schmitzer muttered as the shockwave from the blast blew back everyone's hair except for Crowley's, she was hiding behind the crippled Lieutenant Commander's broad shoulders. "Perfect."

"What? An enemy attack? Terrorists!" Colonel von Schneider was not happy. "How could an insurgency get inside my base!"

A jeep raced up, and inside was Hepner and Ensign Roberto. The former called over to the Lieutenant Commanders. "The Trojan Horse is approaching the base at rooftop level! Its teeth are out and it's hungry for a fight!"

Ramba nodded. "Then we'll give them a fight! Hamon, it's time to bring out… the Gouf!"

Crowley nodded. "Right away, dear!"

"Oh no you don't, you're not going anywhere! I'm in command of this operation!" Colonel von Schneider was stopped when Lieutenant Commander Schmitzer pulled out a .44 Magnum revolver and pointed it at his face.

"Excuse me, but a crippled old man like me has no time for fisticuffs. So I'm going to tell it like it is, Schneider. This is our operation now, and if you have a problem with it, you can take it up with this hollow-point."

Von Schneider stared at the gun, and then at the man holding it. He grinned and inched a bit closer, only to stop when Schmitzer cocked the hammer. "Do you feel lucky? Well, do ya, punk?"

He did not feel lucky, as evident by how the Colonel scowled and stepped back. Crowley, Ramba, and Schmitzer piled into the jeep, which raced back towards the base before th

e other units were hit by the attacking ship.

"Their first shot, and they did this kind of damage. That ship is a monster!" Ramba said as they raced along the flames.

"All right, whoever hit that Gaw gets pizza for dinner," Bright called out.

"Yes!" Katz cheered.

Mirai blinked and then leaned over the White Base's controls. "Hey, there are some weird-looking Zakus setting up ahead of us."

Garma stood up and quickly identified them. "MS-06K Zaku Cannons. They pack a hundred-eighty millimeter cannon with long range."

In the urban terrain ahead of the ship, the Midnight Fenrir's Zaku Cannons immediately brought their weapons to bear and targeted the White Base. In the cockpit of his Zaku Cannon, First Lieutenant Ian Greydon was eager to face the Federation's monster ship in his new monster MS.

"Zaku Cannon team, target the Trojan Horse, aim for the bridge and weapons to disable it!" African-Zeonic man called out as he locked onto the bridge of the ship with the artillery mobile suit's one-hundred eighty millimeter cannon. "Let's show them why it's suicidal to just run straight into a firing line!"

Ian, like the other Zaku Cannon pilots, pulled the trigger. With a roar of gunfire, the Zaku Cannons were promptly thrown onto their backs, and their shells hit everything but the big white ship making its way towards them.

As the shells whipped past the ship ineffectually, Garma opened his can of beer. "Of course, due to the top heavy design, even in the optimum bracing stance the recoil of the cannon will knock the unit onto its back every time it fires." He took a sip. "Yep."

Bright was trying his damnedest not to fall of his chair as he laughed hysterically.

"Captain's incapacitated for the moment, Kai mind putting in some work?" Mirai asked.

"Yeah, just gimme a minute!" Kai said as the Guncannon landed on the roof of a building, crushing the top two floors under its weight. As the big red machine's visor flash, the light of the cockpit monitors cast a a gleam off Kai's wild eyes as he locked onto the downed Mobile Suits.

"Good bye!" Kai sang as he opened fire with the Guncannon's shoulder mounted weapons, the shells quickly homing onto their own targets and hitting two of the prone Zaku Cannons with devastating effect.

Seeing two of the Zakus explode, Ian swore and quickly got his Zaku Cannon back up. "Damn it, didn't anyone test these things?" He quickly radioed his men. "Don't try to engage with the cannons unless you're leaning against something!"

He did just that, leaning against a building as he targeted Kai. "Go down you Feddie son of a bitch!"

The Zaku Cannon fired successfully this time, the shell cutting through the air towards the Guncannon, which jumped to the side to avoid the shell at the last second. Landing in the street, Kai opened fire again, targeting Ian's Zaku Cannon specifically.

"Damn, damn, damn, damn!" Ian yelled as he pushed his Zaku to stagger out of the way of the deadly shells, which demolished the building. As he managed to clear the explosions, he turned his Zaku in time to see another pair of shells hurtling towards him. "FUCK!"

One shell blew off his Zaku Cannon's arm, while the other took off its head and a chunk of cannon equipment, sending the suit spinning to the ground. As it hit the ground on its side, Amuro's Anaheim Buffalo raced by, avoiding the debris thrown by the impacting suit and driving straight for the ship.

Frau Bow was in the Driver's seat, while Amuro was in the passenger side putting on a shirt. "Wow Frau," he said, "You're getting better at this!"

"Thanks!" She pulled into the parking lot of a scorched supermarket, where the tarp covering the Gunperry came off and its cargo doors came down, revealing the Gundam ready to fly. Frau skillfully maneuvered the car onto the transport, and everyone climbed out as the transport's crew moved to secure the car.

"Amuro, be careful out there okay?" Sayla asked Amuro as she followed him towards the Gundam.

Amuro turned back and kissed her. "I'll be fine, okay?"

"Okay!" Sayla quickly replied, and stepped back as Amuro scrambled for the cockpit.

Back aboard the ship, Marker oversaw the movement of allied units skillfully. "The Gundam is rising and Kai's moving up!"

Oscar was keeping an eye on the enemy. "More Mobile Suits are moving up, four Zaku IIs and a… what the Hell is that?"

The image appeared on screen. It looked similar to a Zaku, but it was bigger, meaner looking, and its paint job was blue with a dark blue torso, rather than the puke green Zakus. It carried no Machine Gun and had a different shield, and like Char's pink little number, also sported a Commander's horn.

Mirai tilted her head. "Is that a Zaku?"

Garma's eyes widened. "That's a Gouf, they're already rolling them out here?"

"The fuck is a Gouf?" Bright asked.

Down on the streets, the Guncannon rumbled along towards the airport, machine gun fire from a Zaku pinging harmlessly off its thick armor as it closed in on the Zeon machine. Kai could only laugh. "You can't stop the big red machine!"

Jumping into the air, the Guncannon performed a dropkick, driving both its feet into the chest of the Zaku and caving it in. Getting back up, the Guncannon stomped on the cockpit area of the ruined Zaku for good measure.

A trio of missiles shrieked down on the Guncannon from above, striking the street around it and engulfing it in explosions. On the other end of the missile assault, Sophie Fran grinned as she watched the Guncannon stumble out of the smoke. Her formerly gentle face was twisted with a sick bloodlust and rage, not unlike what Char had seen after Sayla had broken her nose.

"Little Feddie bitch, don't think that this is just a cakewalk for you!" she yelled at the Guncannon.

Kai rolled his eyes. "Do all of you Zeons keep your radios open or is it just the crazy idiots?"

"Lieutenant Fran, please don't go too berserk. If we can, try to capture the Federation suit intact?" Ensign Hepner butted in.

Kai immediately changed his mind. "Hey, you sound pretty cute."

At her console aboard the Midnight Fenrir's Gaw, which was scrambling to take off, Ensign Hepner recoiled. "H-how are you on this channel?"

Kai didn't answer, he was too busy opening fire on Sophie's Zaku, which avoided the beam rifle shot. Odd, did she get closer? He fired again, he missed, and she was closer again. He fired once more, and then suddenly the Zaku was in melee range.

"Well fuck me," Kai said before the Guncannon was tackled by the Zaku and sent crashing through a gutted apartment building.

As a cloud of dust billowed from where the two MS began struggling, Marker shook his head. "Kai just shit the bed, Captain."

"Not surprised," Bright replied.

"Oh screw you, you smarmy asshole!" Kai shouted over the sounds of a Zaku's fists beating against his cockpit. "Get the hell off me you crazy bitch!"

Sophie grinned. "Sure!"

She got up, so she could point her machine gun at the Guncannon's cockpit. At this range, all the armor in the world meant jack and shit in the face of physics. "This is faster anyway."

Before she could fire, the Guncannon grabbed the barrel of the machine gun and crushed the weapon. A punch to the chest with its free hand knocked the Zaku off the Guncannon, which got back up… just in time for it to be pelted by the machine guns of two more Zakus and a surviving Zaku Cannon.

Her gun wrecked, Sophie fired three more missiles from the leg-mounted launchers at the Guncannon, battering it further, as she drew her Heat-Hawk. "Oh, this is going to be satisfying!"

Amuro then whistled over the radio. "Hey guys, over here."

The Zakus and the Zaku Cannon looked back to find the Gundam standing on another tall building, with its Beam Rifle aimed at them.

"The White Mobile Suit!" one of the pilots cried out.

Sophie grinned as her wingmates and the Zaku Cannon turned their weapons onto the Gundam. "You wasted the element of surprise to show off?"

A beam rifle shot tore off the right arm of Sophie's Zaku. Rather than look back or react dramatically, she moved her Zaku, avoiding the Guncannon's cannon shells, which went on to hit and destroy the Zaku Cannon.

"Thanks for the breather, man whore," Kai snapped at Amuro.

"Anytime, fuck-face," Amuro cheerfully replied.

Sophie stared at the Guncannon in disbelief. "What are these God damned Feddie suits made of!"

Amuro wasted no time, opening fire on the other two undamaged Zakus, and made short work of them with his accurate beam rifle shots that brought them both down with heavy damage. "One! Two!"

Turning around, he locked onto and fired upon two more Zaku Cannons trying to get into a good firing position on the White Base. An instant later, they were explosions. "Three! Four!"

Thrusters firing, the Gundam leaped and fell upon another Zaku firing its machine gun at him. Using his shield to absorb the burst of fire, Amuro landed on the Zaku and surfed on it down the street. "Five!"

A sixth Zaku's pilot stared in awe at the white MS surfing towards him on his wingmate, and pretty much resigned himself to his inevitable death. It came, when the Gundam threw its shield into the cockpit of the Zaku, sending it toppling onto its back. "Six! Who'll be the seventh?"

It was then that a long metallic tentacle wrapped around the Gundam's arm. Amuro looked at it. "What the fuck is this-?"

50,000 volts of electricity later.

"OW! OW! OW! OW! OW! OW! OW! OW!"

"Oh yeah, Amuro watch out for that blue one," Oscar radioed to him, "Garma says it's a new high performance unit or something."

Amuro sat up in the Gundams' cockpit. For some reason, possibly related to his sudden tasing, everything tasted like blue raspberry. "Thanks Oscar, good to know."

He backed the Gundam away from the blue machine, the MS-07B Gouf, and readied his beam rifle. In the cockpit of his blue powerhouse, Ramba was surprised. "That electrical charged should've disabled your Mobile Suit."

"Shock absorbers!" Amuro replied cheerfully.

Ramba had to admit he walked right into that one.

* * *

At the base, Colonel von Schneider managed to make it to the heart of his base's operations, a powerful, black, and sleek Dabude-class Land Battleship, which was already preparing to sortie. On the bridge of the vessel, Colonel von Schneider looked up at the approaching Trojan Horse in shock.

"I don't understand, what sort of technology allowed them to hide under our nose plain as day!" The Colonel demanded.

Still, it was no matter. The Dabude's cannons were so powerful, that the ship needed to be anchored to the ground for them to fire safely. With a single salvo, he'd be able to sink the Trojan Horse, and crush the Federation's spirits! "Prepare to fire the Dabude's cannons at the Trojan Horse, we're going to sink that white bastard!"

As the crew hurriedly prepared to do just that, one crewman in particular looked out the bridge's windows and saw something unusual. After performing a double take, the soldier stared slack-jawed at what was happening outside the ship. "…C-Colonel, there's…"

Colonel von Schneider looked over to the soldier. "What is it?"

"…Bears sir, there are bears charging towards the base," the soldier said, in disbelief of his own words.

Colonel von Schneider paused. "Bears? How many?"

The soldier just removed his pointy Zeon soldier helmet, and shook his head. "All of them, Colonel."

Indeed, for pouring through the gates and over the fences, swarming over everything in their path at a full-on gallop, were dozens upon dozens of roaring, snarling, drooling Grizzly Bears–the smallest of the godless killing machines weighing in at a scant five hundred pounds. Riding atop the largest of them, a bear around the size of a large pickup truck, was Kamaria Ray, wielding what looked like a Lever-Action Punt Gun.

The Zeon soldier who spotted the bear horde just tilted his head to one side. "I… I honestly can't comprehend what I'm looking at sir."

The soldier pulled out his sidearm, and promptly committed suicide; in that moment he had seen essentially everything that had needed to be seen in his short life. Outside the Dabude, Zeon soldiers found themselves taking similar courses of actions as the bear horde fell upon them, opting out for a quick death rather to be mauled to death by thousands of pounds of fur, muscle, teeth, and rage.

One enterprising squad of soldiers got it in their heads to shoot at the lead bear and Kamaria. With one hand, Kamaria aimed the oversized shotgun, reducing the entire squad to chunky salsa.

Colonel von Schneider saw that in particular. "Who is that woman?"

"Colonel, the bears are overwhelming our defenses and climbing onto the Dabude! They're going to get inside!" One soldier reported.

"The prisoners are beginning to riot, b-but the bears aren't attacking them!" another reported. "Wait, the bears are letting them out of containment!"

"The Trojan Horse is almost on top of the base!"

"The White Mobile Suit just wiped out the Midnight Fenrir and the Zaku Cannon team!"

"My pants have never been so full!"

"THE BEARS HAVE BROKEN INTO THE SHIP!"

Another crew member killed himself.

Colonel von Schneider stared at the chaos breaking out on the bridge as the other crew prepared weapons for either defending themselves from the bear attack, or simply taking the quick way out. Some soldiers simply crawled under their consoles and rocked back and forth, sobbing hysterically. He wasn't going to have this.

"What are you fools doing? We're soldiers of the Principality of Zeon! We do not cower or tremble in fear of some slovenly, dull-witted Earth beasts, or their bears!"

He really couldn't resist that jab. "Let them come! I shall rend them asunder with my bare hands! No, in fact I won't wait for them!"

Colonel von Schneider marched up to the bridge's doors and opened them. Of course there was a thousand pound Grizzly Bear on the other side, its muzzle stained with blood and hatred spewing from its mouth in the form of a bellowing roar. Colonel von Schneider simply punched the bear, knocking it out, and proceeded to punch every bear in front of him.

Amuro pointed his beam rifle at the Gouf, watching the blue mobile suit with a bit of caution as it drew from under its shield a large sword, which gave off a glow as it heated up similarly to the Zaku's heat hawk weapons. He smirked. "All right, let's see how this big blue Zaku of yours handles."

He fired his beam rifle, but the Gouf had already dodged out of the way with speed that made Char's Zaku look like a joke. Amuro was genuinely surprised. "Huh?"

The Gouf slashed at the Gundam, Amuro barely avoiding the strike. As the Gundam jumped back, the Gouf closed in right after it, moving faster than any Zaku would've under even ideal circumstances. Another swing of its sword cut a thin gash across the chest of the Gundam.

"Whoa, whoa, whoa!" Amuro cried out as he drew his beam saber and blocked another sword strike. To his surprise, the Gouf simply pushed him forward, and up against another building.

"What's the big deal, are you having trouble against that fancy Zaku?" Kai mocked as he moved into position to support the Gundam.

Amuro looked towards Kai. "This is no Zaku, man! No Zaku!"

He fired off the Gundam's head vulcans, the rounds pinging against the Gouf's head and shoulders before it boosted away from the Gundam. Landing, Ramba confirmed Amuro's observation. "The Gouf has more armor and more power than a Zaku, it's completely different!"

Amuro readied his beam saber. "I bet it doesn't come close to the Gundam, though."

"Probably not," Ramba admitted, "But it's close enough for skill to make the difference!"

The Gouf attacked again, crossing blades with the Gundam twice before smacking it with that shocking tentacle weapon in its other arm. Amuro let out a yelp from the shock, but held it together to block another strike from the heat sword. "Hey Kai!"

"I know, I know!" Kai shouted before he opened fire with the cannons, forcing the Gouf to flee the artillery barrage.

Amuro picked up his beam rifle and boosted after the Gouf, opening fire on the big blue target before it could land. Again, to his surprise, the Gouf dodged the shot in midair, and slapped the pursuing Gundam with its tentacle.

Kai couldn't help but laugh. "Hey bitch-cake, how much longer are you going to let this guy slap you with his mecha dick?"

Amuro made a mental note to slap Kai with his dick when this was over, and used the beam saber to slice the tentacle weapon before Ramba could hit him with it again. It was of course a feint, and the heat sword almost ran the Gundam through, were it not for Amuro's nigh-supernatural reaction time allowing him to cause the superheated blade to glance off the Gundam's side.

"Wow, you're good!" Amuro said as he hit the Gouf with his beam rifle and kicked it back.

"And you're talented, but it's fairly obvious that it's more your Mobile Suit than your own skill!" Ramba replied as the Gouf recovered and stood ready.

The beam saber exhausted, Amuro put it away and pointed the beam rifle at the Gouf. "Well then," he said, "Show me your moves."

The Gouf provided, rushing straight for the Gundam as Amuro locked on and fired the beam rifle. As the beam left the beam rifle, the Gouf spun, the beam passing just over the Zeon MS's body before it lashed what it had left of the tentacle weapon around the Gundam's leg. Landing, the Gouf pulled hard, yanking the Gundam off its feet and onto its back.

"Nice moves!" Amuro said cheerfully as the Gouf loomed over him.

Raising its heat sword, the Gouf prepared to impale the Gundam again, when there was a gleam from above–the afternoon sun shining from the white head of the Guncannon as it fell on the Gouf with a flying kick. Struck by the significantly heavier machine, the Gouf was sent crashing through not one but two buildings.

"Nicely done, for once." Amuro said as he got the Gundam back up on its feet.

Ramba got up and faced the two Federation MS. "Hamon, what's happening with the others?"

"The surviving pilots are retreating with Fran and Greydon, they're escaping the combat area," Crowley replied.

"Well, then, that's all for me," Ramba said as Gouf produced a large hand grenade, and threw it at the Gundam and Guncannon, creating a brilliant flash that blinded both pilots. "Hamon, I'll rendezvous with you at the extraction point! This battle is another victory for the Trojan Horse."

"Understood, dear," Crowley replied, relieved that Ramba was escaping the battle with his life.

Ensign Hepner shook her head. "What about Spokane Base, aren't we going to do anything? Call for reinforcements?"

Lieutenant Commander Schmitzer answered that. "The attack was too swift, too overwhelming. There was nothing we could do to stop it, we could only retreat."

Crowley immediately agreed. "Yes. There is nothing we can do."

"But the Dabude is still–."

"There was nothing we could do." The terse emphasis from both her superiors quickly silenced the redheaded Ensign.

"Oh God, this is horrifying," Mirai said as the White Base floated over Spokane Airport, giving the crew a perfect view of the carnage below. The prisoners were in full riot, and working with their ursine saviors in exacting bloody, gruesome revenge on the base's complement of Zeon soldiers. It was an orgy of blood and suffering, with a soundtrack of screams, explosions, and gunfire against a backdrop of flames and dense smoke.

Bright nodded. "So this is what Hell looks like. Neat."

Garma felt terrible that he was watching this, but he was resolved to see the defeat of his homeland. He only hoped that there wasn't a repeat of this violence when that defeat finally came.

Frau Bow was happily taking pictures.

Sayla was back at her station, relieved to hear from Amuro that the last Zeon MS forces were withdrawing. "Captain, the Zeon MS are pulling back, Amuro and Kai are all right aside from some electrical burns and dinged up MS."

"Good to hear," Bright said before a series of white flares shot up from the Dabude. They were followed by a transmission from the bridge of the land battleship.

"Call off your bear army, we surrender!" a sobbing soldier begged the White Base. "Our commanding officer ran off to fight the bears, and we haven't heard from him yet. Please, we'll do anything you want, just call them off, we give up!"

Bright folded his hands in his lap and smiled. "Sayla, tell them we accept their surrender, and inform Mrs. Ray to have her bears stand down."

On the ground, Kamaria sat atop her large battle bear, Major Ursa, and listened to Sayla's report. "Oh all right, I don't think I'll be able to stop the rioting prisoners though."

"We're not responsible for them so don't worry," Sayla replied.

Kamaria nodded. "All right." She pulled out a remote and spoke into it. "Stop attacking, and go back to your dens."

Every bear on the base immediately halted their attack, and to the surprise of the surviving Zeon soldiers, the large mammals began leaving, heading towards the nearest exits of the base without incident. Kamaria rested her punt gun on her lap and looked over to the Dabude as one of her bears suddenly tumbled out and landed in a daze. Behind the bear, covered in and bleeding from numerous bear wounds, Colonel von Schneider staggered out and stared at Kamaria.

Immediately, he recognized her. She was that tree-hugging therapist who trained bears for children to hug and cuddle. "You, that woman they call Kamaria! You're responsible for this?"

"Colonel Schneider, so we meet for the last time," Kamaria said as she slid off the back of Major Ursa. Lifting the punt gun, she handed it to the bear, who reared up on his hind legs to properly hold it, and walked towards the Colonel.

"That's Colonel von Schneider to you, Earther Whore!" Colonel von Schneider roared. "I should've expected this from a bestial woman such as yourself!"

The much smaller woman stopped in front of von Schneider, the nearby flames casting their shadows long to their sides as she pointed at him. "Don't take this personally. Were things different, I would've stayed out of your lack of hair. However, my sweet little firebug wanted help, and what mother am I to deny her son that?"

Colonel von Schneider's good eye blinked. "Your son?"

"My little tootsie pie… Amuro," Kamaria said as she grinned. The fire cast a horrific, maniacal gleam in her eyes.

Colonel von Schneider recoiled. "You… you're the mother of Tem Ray's son?"

"Well babies don't simply fall out of the sky." Kamaria reached under her sundress, and pulled out a K-Bar knife from a holster on her thigh.

"It's impossible, Tem Ray wasn't allowed to have a child. How does he have one?" Colonel von Schneider demanded.

Kamaria brought the knife to her lips and licked it slowly. "Since you're not going to tell anyone, I guess it's fine to tell you. When the Federation finally had my Temmy locked up for his terrible crimes, he needed some leverage. That was where I came in… or rather he came in me."

"Impossible, the time table doesn't add up. Tem Ray was in one of the largest and most secure prisons on this rock for years. He didn't have access to some hand lotion and a tissue, much less a woman," Colonel von Schneider shot back.

Kamaria drew a second knife from the holster on her other leg, as she scratched the top of her head with the K-Bar. "That was such a mess too, do you have any idea how many people I had to kill to get into that prison?" Blood began to run down from her hairline, and over her face. "Dozen, easily. But it was worth it, oh it was so worth it."

She licked the blood as it reached her lips. "Most romantic night of my life."

Colonel von Schneider took a step back, as fear threatened to make the hulking man void his bladder and his bowels. "Y-you're insane…!"

"Nine months later, my darling little firebug was born to burn the world down," Kamaria said as she ignored von Schneider's blubbering. "The Federation fears Tem Ray so thoroughly that the thought of his son taking up his life's work, or avenging him in the event of assassination is considered one of their 'Worst Case Scenarios' up there with the Jupiter Empire rolling over on the Earth Sphere, or Laplace's Box opening."

She tilted her head back and chuckled. "You Zeon… you're not even a mild concern to the 'True Elite' of this Federation."

"True Elite? What are you talking about?"

Kamaria suddenly jumped and jammed both knives into von Schneider's thick neck, the angle of insertion crossing them one over the other. She rested her feet on the stomach of the hulking man as he began gurgling up blood, and leaned close to him. "Ah, ah, ah… I answered your question. Now pay the toll for your wisdom."

She kicked off him, swiftly decapitating the Zeon Colonel and sending his head flying through the air with a spray of blood trailing it. Landing, Kamaria looked up at the White Base, and the arriving Gundam and Guncannon as von Schneider's corpse toppled next to her.

"Amuro sweetie… Mommy's glad you're safe," She said cheerfully.

* * *

"The airspace is clear, I think it's safe to say that we won this one," Marker informed Bright.

"Damn right we won, but this base's personnel were idiots and we had a literal bear cavalry so it's kind of a gimme," Bright reminded everyone.

Garma nodded. "Yes, we'll run out of idiots eventually and all that will be left are the dangerous enemies."

Bright looked to Sayla. "Sayla, tell the boys to help secure the perimeter. Mirai, find a clear spot to land so we can help with the cleanup."

Before both could acknowledge the orders, an alarm sounded and Oscar called out. "Hey uh, chief, a single aircraft just entered the combat zone. It's bigger than a Dopp but definitely not a Gaw! I'm bringing it up on screen!"

The image appeared projected on the ship's windows, showing a red, wide-bodied craft trailing a broad exhaust trail behind it. Garma of course recognized it immediately. "That's a Dodai YS, a fighter bomber."

"Just one?" Bright asked.

Kai immediately targeted it. "Another easy target."

Then something jumped off the back of the Dodai, which quickly accelerated away. Amuro's eyes widened. "Wait, just one?"

The suit tumbled through the air, before it righted itself and fell towards the Spokane Base face down with its arms spread. It looked completely different from the Zaku, and the Gouf, and was painted dark blue save for its bright red spiked shoulder armor.

Bright suddenly had a bad feeling about this. "Garma…"

"I-I don't know… I've never seen a Mobile Suit like this!"

Amuro aimed his beam rifle up at the new mobile suit, as a bright red glow began to emit from the body of the machine. "…Okay… the fuck is this?"

A feminine voice then spoke across the open channel in an electronic monotone.

"EXAM System. Standby."

* * *

A/N: Here comes a thunderstorm. Also, this story has a Tropes page now, you should check it out.


	6. Salmon Woe

Disclaimer: This is a non-profit fan-based parody. Mobile Suit Generation Unsubdued Nuclear Drive Assault Module belongs to Mitsuo Fukuda. How does someone revive and ruin a franchise at the same freaking time?

**Mobile Suit Gundam: Gran Tomino  
**Salmon Woe

"_The Last Days of Zeon"_

**[6.]**

When we last left our intrepid heroes of the White Base, the author was ripping off the end scene of Gundam Unicorn Episode Four. Let's go the whole nine, shall we?

"So, does anybody have any idea what that Mobile Suit falling out of the sky at us is?" Bright asked as the MS kept falling dramatically.

"It's an easy target!" Kai and Amuro said together as they locked on to the falling MS, which responded by firing every missile in the world at them both. "Oh shit-!"

The Gundam and the Guncannon were quickly enveloped in explosions and smoke as the missiles rained down on them. At the center of the thick, dark cloud, Kai grimaced as the Guncannon took more than a few hits but remained intact as a testament to the Federation's overly bloated military budget.

Kai shook his head and then looked at the screens around him. "Huh, that wasn't so bad."

A brightly glowing red mono-eye then suddenly filled his forward screen. "Well this is gonna-AHHHHH!"

A great din of metal being applied to metal in the worst way followed, joined by Kai's screams over the radio. Aboard the White Base, the bridge crew all winced, with Garma looking away from the cloud of smoke. Down on the ground, Kamaria and her bears watched as the silhouette of the new Zeon suit grabbed something on the Guncannon and began to pull with all of its might.

"Hey, hey that's not supposed to bend that way! That's not supposed to bend that way!" Kai pleaded.

There was a loud whine and a crunch.

Aboard the White Base, Sayla winced. "And now it does."

This was immediately followed by the Guncannon losing the body part that was wrenched in an unwieldy direction, and then the Guncannon being beaten with said body part.

The Gundam managed to back out of the cloud of smoke, covered in a reddish brown dust. Inside the Gundam's cockpit, Amuro watched the beating with a markedly concerned look on his face.

"I have the weirdest boner right now." Which was odd, because he should've been terrified, or at least enjoying the schadenfreude stemming from Kai's ludicrous beating.

Finally, the smoke cleared, revealing the MS-08TX Efreet Custom… teabagging the downed and damaged Guncannon.

"Lick those salty balls, Feddie noob!" Nimbus Schterzen, its pilot, commanded as the the squatting Efreet rested its crotch on the Guncannon's face.

"This is officially one of those days," Bright said.

"Yes, that thing beat the Guncannon into the ground with its leg, and is teabagging it," Sayla reported just in case no one could believe what they were seeing.

Garma grew pale. "Oh God, I know that guy."

"Who is he?" Bright asked.

"He's Nimbus Schterzen, he's really good, and he's an obnoxious prick."

Amuro was still a bit unnerved, and a little aroused. "Okay, I think I might be a little intimidated for once."

The Efreet then looked at the Gundam, and both machines went still. The Efreet's red glow seemed to radiate off it, like some weird aura, and that really rubbed Amuro the wrong way, or maybe the right way. He was kind of confused.

But, he wasn't about to get killed by this thing, so he shot it and it dodged the beam shot before it could even–wait, what?

The Efreet drew two of the same heat swords the Gouf used, the pilot grinning in a manner not unlike Amuro. "Pro MS pilots fight melee only!"

"Then what were all those missiles for?" Amuro retorted as he fired at the Efreet again and missed. Seriously, what was with this radio shit?

The Efreet dodged again. "A distraction!"

Amuro fired again, and the Efreet dodged right into melee range. Raising both blades, it swung down on the Gundam, and missed in turn. Nimbus was surprised.

"What? Cheater!"

The Gundam pointed its beam rifle at the Efreet's back. Just as Amuro squeezed the trigger, the Efreet dodged, avoiding the beam rifle shot, and added insult to injury by slicing the Beam Rifle in half before kicking the Gundam in the chest and sending it onto its back.

Nearly everyone watching from the White Base's bridge suddenly and violently clenched in order to retain their bladder control.

"Kid's not looking too good out there," Oscar suggested.

Sayla was feeling nervous.

Mirai actually put down her sudoku book.

Garma gripped the armrest of his chair.

Bright, however, maintained. "Relax guys, he's got this."

As he said this, the Efreet ran up on the downed Gundam and raised its swords to impale the Mobile Suit. The twin stab missed, as the Gundam suddenly rolled over, tripping the Efreet and causing it to fall flat on its face. With haste, the Gundam stood up and took a step back, its yellow eyes gleaming brightly.

"You wrecked my gun. I liked that gun," Amuro said flatly.

"Cry some more, noob," Nimbus replied.

Amuro's expression went blank, and he drew one of the Gundam's beam sabers. "You know what? Fuck this, and you."

The Efreet leaped up and once again attacked with its unnatural speed, the Gundam evading its rapid strikes with both swords as Amuro found himself on the defensive. The Efreet's attacks were like some deranged mixture of a Jedi and a top, spinning, leaping, and changing it up with stabs that seemed to leave no opening for attack.

It was like when he learned how to fight from his Mom, only with fewer knives being thrown in his general direction.

"Just need to find the right moment…!" Amuro's eyes widened when the Efreet suddenly lunged with a double overhead slash attack. "There!"

The Gundam countered, swinging the beam saber horizontally to slice the lunging Efreet in half. Much to his surprise, however, the Efreet rocketed straight up and over the slash, triggering an almost painful pressure in his head.

"Huh?" Amuro then saw a vision of him being stabbed in the back, and quickly moved, twisting to the side to narrowly avoid the Efreet's heat swords as the Zeon MS tried to counter the counter.

Almost without thinking, he drew the Gundam's other beam saber, and swung down, slicing through both of the blades before both MS slid away from one another.

Nimbus blinked and looked at his now heat stubs, and then back at the Gundam. "The fuck?"

Amuro shrugged his shoulders, the Gundam doing the same. "Look, I'm just as confused as you, but a win's a win man."

"Fucking LEGENDARY," Bright simply congratulated.

Mirai agreed. "Oh, I'm glad I got that on camera."

Successfully disarmed of its weapons, the Efreet pointed at the Gundam, its monoeye flashing ominously. Inside the cockpit, Nimbus smirked. "Hey, ever play Syphon Filter?"

Amuro knew immediately he wasn't going to like the punchline of this joke. "No."

"Then you won't appreciate this as much as I will." A pair of wires shot from the Efreet Custom's wrist. That the attack was just a pair of flimsy wires caught Amuro off guard long enough for them to make contact with the Gundam's dust-covered armor… and then everything went white and then black for our hero.

The flash was just as blinding for the crew of the White Base, and when their temporary blindness passed, they saw the Efreet Custom hauling the smoking and very still Gundam over its shoulders. The Dodai YS bomber suddenly swooped down, straight for the Efreet Custom, while firing missiles at the White Base.

"Incoming!" Marker yelled, and the White Base's CIWS quickly destroyed the projectiles. In that same moment the Efreet Custom, with its Gundam prize, jumped onto the Dodai, which poured on the afterburner and shot off into the sky.

"AHAHAHAHAHAHA! FAGGOTS!" Nimbus yelled at the White Base as the bizarre mobile suit, its mount, and its prize shot off into the afternoon sky.

The bridge of the White Base was quieter than the last time something terrible happened to Amuro, as the Dodai YS fled the combat area.

It was finally Sayla who broke the silence. "Did… did that just happen?"

Bright picked up the phone on his armrest. "Ryu, launch in the core fighter and pursue that new Zeon unit. Tell Hayato and Job John to get the Gunperry, collect the Guncannon, and then catch up. We're going after the Gundam now!"

Garma was impressed. "You're not missing a beat, Captain."

"The best way to deal with unrelenting anger is to work through it," Bright replied before he added, "Garma, I hope your piloting skills are decent enough, because I'm tapping you for the rescue mission."

"_Captain Bright, I'll be coming aboard as well. I'm going to assist you,"_ Kamaria radioed from the ground.

That was not a request and Bright wasn't going to treat it as such, as the White Base lifted off and into the sky. "The Gunperry will pick you up, we can't afford to wait a second longer."

"_Thank you Captain,"_ Kamaria replied.

Bright nodded. "Well, let's go find the bastard and show him what happens when you try to run off with one of my bitches!"

* * *

Amuro woke up in the cockpit of the Gundam, as its systems one by one came back online after the circuit breakers flipped back. Shaking his head, he looked around as the cockpit lit up around him, showing him inside of a ship very much not the White Base, and the Gundam locked into a gantry like it had been in Luna II. Some engineers were still finishing some of the welds.

Engineers in Zeon uniforms, well shit.

"Sweet, I'm a prisoner of war. Welp, time to break out of here and kill everyone-" He then noticed something that immediately changed his mind. Char's salmon pink Zaku, Ramba Ral's Gouf, and that weird super crazy suit from before were loaded right alongside the Gundam.

"On the other hand, I could stay a few minutes," he decided with a malicious smile.

"We've finished the last welds, the Gundam would need to be stronger than three Zakus to break out of these," one of the Engineers proudly said to Lieutenant Commander Schmitzer, Ramba, and Crowley as they arrived in the hangar of their newest Zanzibar.

"As far as I'm willing to believe, it's as strong as ten, add more restraints," Ramba ordered.

"All of this precaution? The boy could be a lobster in there right now," Crowley noted.

"The boy told me himself, the Gundam has 'Shock Absorbers'."

Crowley laughed. "What a terrible pun."

Amuro's eyebrows rose when he saw Crowley. "Damn."

He saw how she smiled and spoke to Ramba and nodded. "If that's the same guy who piloted that big blue machine then I have to give my props where they are deserved."

"Okay, we're going to set the blasting charges."

Amuro looked towards the engineer who said that. "They're funny if they think anything they've got is going to blast its way in here."

He quickly keyed the loudspeaker. "D-don't blow it up, I'll come out peacefully!"

In an entirely different part of the ship, a helmeted blonde suddenly snapped out of his stupor.

With a hiss and a whine, the Gundam's hatch opened and he climbed out, his hands over his head. Despite knowing that he was only a boy, and Tem Ray's boy no less, it was a shock to see someone so young as the man within the monster that caused them all to lose sleep.

"I have a son older than him," Schmitzer muttered.

"He looks quite darling, in a way," Crowley noted.

"Lady Hamon, don't make direct eye contact."

"I'm not dear, I read the dossier."

The sound of someone running at full-tilt caught everyone's attention. The Zeon officers looked to their left, and Amuro to his right, to see Char running straight down the catwalk towards the boy, his mask and helmet hiding the top half of his expression of unrivaled fury. Upon reaching Amuro, Char leaped into a majestic flying kick that any Kamen Rider would call pretty sweet.

"CHAR AZNABLE KIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIICK!"

Amuro caught him by the foot, grabbed his leg with both arms and promptly slammed Char helmet first into the catwalk. "Nope."

"Impressive!" Ramba Ral congratulated.

"Those reflexes are something else," Schmitzer said.

Crowley was actually applauding. "It helped that Char called out his attack, you never call out your attack. Still, excellent form."

Char got up, panting. The counterattack had actually snapped him out of his rage state, allowing him to regain his composure and realize what was going on. "You… what are you doing on this ship? And why isn't it on fire?"

If one then the other, he's come to understand with this kid.

"I was captured," Amuro replied.

Char did a double-take. "What, really? By who?"

"By who indeed? Oh, just Zeon's All-Time MVP."

Char actually grimaced when he heard his voice.

"Years from now, he will be known as The White Devil Hunter, the Gundam Slayer, and the one who broke the back of the Federation. But for now he is just one simple man…"

Amuro and Char looked back down the catwalk and there he was, standing at the hatch with his arms held out with his chin tilted up. It was a blonde man who was slightly less handsome than Char with the mask and extremely less handsome than Char without the mask.

"Nimbus Schterzan. Ladies, contain your orgasms."

Some could barely as the hangar cheered for Nimbus. Crowley Hamon, however, just buried her face in Ramba's chest to contain her hysterical laughter.

Char was actually disappointed as he whispered aside to Amuro, "Did this guy really beat you in a straight fight?"

"Oh God no, he got me with some cheap trick; I had his ass dead to rights," Amuro whispered back.

"Thank God, I don't need that kind of humiliation. This guy's not even that good."

"You're being awfully forthcoming with me, but I'll welcome it nonetheless. It's that weirdo suit of his, isn't it?"

"Yeah, just like with you."

Amuro rolled his eyes. "Asshole."

Nimbus finished basking in the praise and cheers of his fellow soldiers in the hangar and walked over to Char and Amuro and addressed the latter. "Well, well, you must be the pilot of that bright white piece of shit."

Amuro wasn't having any of that. "Actually sir, I'm just cosplaying as the Federation pilot who gave your mother her first assisted orgasm. Do I have the look right? Or do I need her right here, bent over the railing for maximum effect?"

Nimbus actually had to stop there for a second, caught off guard. Char looked at Amuro and wondered, were circumstances different, could they have been friends?

Amuro's eyes widened just before Nimbus's fist connected with his jaw, knocking him to the catwalk floor. Nimbus began kicking him. "YOU FEDDIE PIECE OF SHIT! YOU SHOULD BE LUCKY I DIDN'T KILL YOUR ASS BACK THERE! TALKING TO THE GUY WHO BEAT YOUR ASS LIKE THAT, I'LL FUCKING FUCK YOUR EYE SOCKETS UNTIL YOUR JIZZ-SOAKED BRAINS POUR OUT YOUR EARS!"

Despite being stomped on, Amuro laughed. "You mad!"

"SCHTERZEN!" Schmitzer roared. "You will cease mistreating our prisoner and return to your quarters or so help me God, I will throw you out the nearest airlock!"

Nimbus almost didn't listen, but then Char pointed his sidearm at him to emphasize the Lieutenant Commander's point. "Do as he says, Schterzen, or don't. That Efreet of yours would look great in red."

Nimbus would've made some jibe about it being pink, but Char was carrying a gun and plenty unstable at the moment. He stepped back and, after glaring at Amuro a final time with a slightly bruised ego, stormed out of the hangar.

"Hey, thanks man. I appreciate it," Amuro said to Char before he was hauled back onto his feet by his arm.

"Don't get comfy, I still haven't interrogated you yet, and I owe you for all the shit you've pulled on me so far," Char whispered back.

Amuro snorted. "There you go again, acting like you're the victim when you're the reason this is all happening."

Char pulled Amuro along. "I'm taking him to his cell, Lieutenant Commander Schmitzer."

"Very well, Char," Schmitzer replied. "And don't you lay a finger on him either, after that Spokane fiasco, we're going to do this by the book."

Char wondered what happened at Spokane Base, but decided he'd ask about it later. As the two of them left, Ramba looked up at the Gundam, whose hatch suddenly slammed shut, before any Zeon engineers could get into it.

"Well," he said, "The first thing we need to do is negotiate a trade, the boy for Garma."

Schmitzer nodded assent. "Yes, before the Trojan Horse comes charging in here with guns blazing."

"If we can get back to California Base before the Trojan Horse catches up with us, we should be fine," Ramba replied.

* * *

Back aboard the White Base, Bright Noa was treated to an often spoken of but rarely seen phenomenon over the White Base's communications link to Jaburo: The Federation's pool of strategists panicked to the point of a near-riot over something or other. Today's something or other was the fact that the Gundam and its pilot had been captured by the Zeon.

In the foreground of the mass-panic, a surprisingly calm General Revil hummed as he reviewed the data regarding the Efreet Custom. "That's definitely the Zeon's new EXAM unit."

"EXAM, sir?"

"It's a control system that simulates the abilities of Newtypes right within the Mobile Suit, increasing such performance parameters as agility and reaction time to the point of superhuman."

"Like being able to react to attacks before they're even performed."

"Precisely."

Well don't that beat all? Zeon cheated, Bright was not happy with that. "I see, well we're shadowing the ship that took the Gundam back towards California Base, but we're going to need some considerable support before we try to rescue it and the kid."

General Revil nodded. "I can send some Deep Rogs to provide a distraction, but that's the extent of what I can do. We're still consolidating our forces for Odessa Day and we can't afford to divert any major forces."

"If you can manage to send anything more than that, I'd be extremely grateful, but I understand your situation entirely, General."

"Bright there is something I wanted to say to you in person, but it'll have to do for now. I'm convinced Paolo chose you because he saw something that no one else could, a potential that exists in very few people nowadays. When you pull this off, you're going to change the strategic picture of this war.."

Bright couldn't help but feel flattered by Revil's confidence in him, and saluted. "Thank you General, we'll send coordinates and targeting information to the Deep Rogs."

"Godspeed, Captain Noa."

The communication channel cut, and Bright sat back in his seat. He looked over to Oscar and Marker. "Okay, what do we got?"

"The Guncannon is out of commision until we get a new leg for it, but the Core Fighter is intact," Oscar reported. "We can load the Gunperry with Standoff Missiles but it isn't gonna do much against the base defenses. We're down to just the it, the Core Fighter, the Guntank and the Zaku."

"We also have Amuro's crazy-ass Mom, but no army of bears," Marker added.

"Well we can't expect a Bear Army to save us all the time." Bright looked over to Kamaria. "You don't mind being our extraction team, do you? We kind of don't have much in the ways of Marines since all our crew are teenagers, obnoxious civilians, or some combination of both."

"Oh my no, I do my best work alone in fact! I'll just need a few weapons and some proper combat gear and I'll be ready to go," Kamaria replied cheerfully.

Bright looked at the sky outside the White Base's windows. "We'll have to wait until it gets dark to do this, there's no way we're flying right into one of Zeon's most heavily defended bases in broad daylight."

Garma spoke up. "Depending on when the bombers get here, we might not have a choice. Still, I think I have an idea, Captain."

Bright looked to Garma. "What is it?"

"Can those Standoff Missiles be modified to seek out a beacon?"

Bright hummed. "They should be able to, why?"

"I want to use the Guntank as a diversion and long range support, while using the Zaku to mark targets for the Gunperry to hit from a safer distance. The Gunperry can carry more missiles than the Guntank carries shells, so it's a much more viable artillery platform in this situation."

"My, for a Zeon boy you're really on board with this," Kamaria said.

"With all due respect Miss, after seeing one of my former countrymen be foiled by a tarp and a car alarm system, any confidence I've had in the Zeon is kind of shot."

"We still have a problem though," Oscar noted.

Bright sighed. "And that would be?"

"You need two people to pilot the Gunperry when it's slinging missiles, Ryu's the only person who can fly the Core Fighter well enough for it to be of any practical use for this operation, and the Guntank requires two pilots. That's five pilots needed. We got Ryu in the Core Fighter, Hayato and Kai in the Guntank, and only Job John in the Gunperry."

Bright hummed. "Sayla, can you-?"

"No, she can't." Kamaria said.

Sayla got up. "I'm perfectly capable of-"

"No, you can't dear," Kamaria insisted. "You're far too valuable to put out on the front like that."

Sayla blinked in confusion, before another notable female crewmember spoke up. "I'll go, but I want to pilot the Guntank!"

Everyone turned and looked at Frau Bow.

"So it begins," Marker said in an ominous deadpan.

Kai, who'd been bemoaning his wrecked Guncannon, grew hostile. "What? No! I'm piloting the Guntank!"

"I can do it! I've been in the simulator since we left Luna II, I can hit a hundred targets out of a hundred every time!"

Kai snorted. "They said Tenten could too, and she's still the biggest loser in the entire series."

Frau Bow stared at Kai. "Ryu hold me back."

Ryu did, hugging her tightly as she tried to throw herself at Kai. "I second Frau in the Guntank, jefe. She can do it."

Bright hummed. "All right, Frau Bow you're in the Guntank, Kai you're in the Gunperry and God help you if you give me any lip about it."

Kai frowned and nodded. "Yes, Captain."

Bright turned his attention back to Garma. "At the very least we have four hours until the Roggs arrive to bomb California Base, I want to go over its defensive lines and prepare our ingress and egress routes."

Kamaria clapped her hands together. "I'll go prepare as well."

As she turned and left, Sayla got up and followed her out. "Excuse me for a minute, Captain."

"Make it quick," Bright called after her as she walked out the door.

Just beyond the threshold of the hatch, Sayla called after Kamaria, "Hey, Mrs. Ray!"

As the hatch closed, Kamaria turned to face her. "Yes, dear?"

"Why should I not go out there and fight?" Sayla rubbed her upper arms. Her concern was painted all over her. "It's not like I can't, I've been out there before. I can handle myself just as well as Amuro can, and I'm not going to just sit back while he's their prisoner-!"

Kamaria had cut her off, by poking her in the nose. "Boop."

Sayla slapped her hand aside. "Don't boop me!"

"I'd need a Mongoose to do that, and you're not a Recon."

Sayla took a second to process that. "W-wait, what?"

Kamaria took full advantage of her bemusement and changed the subject. "You love my son very much, don't you?"

Sayla flushed, but she wasn't about to deny it. "Yeah, I do."

Kamaria smiled. "You either have horrible taste in men like I do, or my boy is head over heels in love with you, too."

"I think it might be a bit of both." Sayla relaxed some and looked down.

"Well it's a good thing you two have love, because you're pregnant."

Sayla froze where she stood, and then looked up at Kamaria with wide eyes. "What."

Kamaria just smiled and nodded.

"WHAT?!"

Sayla's shout caused everyone on the White Base to jump.

* * *

At one of the sprawling California Base's many sub-bases, Char sat in a chair in one of the sub-base's security offices, grumbling like a petulant child. The men of the Midnight Fenrir team, and Ramba Ral's own soldiers were gathered in the middle of the room around Ramba, Schmitzer, and Crowley, who had a hand full of drinking straws in her hand. To another side of the room, Ensign Hepner, Lieutenant Fran, and a few other female soldiers watched this gathering with a bit of confusion as to its point.

"So why aren't we allowed to take part in this again?" Sophie asked via her gentle non-combat personality.

A rather tall, short-haired, rough-round the edges woman, Lieutenant Sandra, let out a chuckle. "Didn't you read the dossier on this kid? He apparently has this weird power to convince women to do whatever he says."

Ensign Hepner shivered, uneasily. "I heard about it too, he's got some weird mind powers. He might even be a Newtype."

"Oh dear, no wonder he's so talented in a Mobile Suit," Sophie replied. "But, why isn't Lieutenant Char allowed to take part in the drawing?"

"Because he'll try to kill the kid," Sandra replied.

"Yeah," Ensign Hepner added.

Crowley looked around the soldiers gathered. "It's very simple, the short-straw goes in conduct the interrogation in accordance to the Geneva Convention and the Antarctic Treaty. The interrogation will be recorded, and any inappropriate actions towards the boy will result in punishment. So regardless of personal feelings, remember that he is a child placed in an unenviable position by war, and try to emphasize that when talking to him."

Lieutenant Lou Roher looked a bit nervous. "Is that a good idea? I mean, in the Gundam he's about as vicious as Lieutenant Fran. Maybe even more."

Lieutenant Fran blinked at the insinuation, as if confused, while the women close to her immediately backed away.

"His long list of aliases also concern me," one of Ramba's boys, Acous, pointed out.

"We've taken precautionary measures, he's been restrained and stripped of any weapons and possible weapons he had on his person at the time." What Lieutenant Schmitzer did not add that when he was searched they found twelve blades, four lockpicks, and the disassembled components of a compact pistol.

Ensign Nikki Roberto sighed. "You guys are being ridiculous."

The other soldiers looked at the red-haired twenty-one year old man, who continued, "He's just a kid, like Ms. Hamon said. Gundam or not we should just sit down and try to talk to him."

Char let out an amused snort, and Nikki looked back at him. "Lieutenant?"

Char waved him off. "No it's nothing, I think you have a point, Ensign. You go talk to him."

Almost immediately the other men of the Midnight Fenrir and Ramba's subordinates backed off, agreeing unanimously with Char. Nikki rolled his eyes and looked to Schmitzer and Ramba. "I'll go in. Give me about twenty minutes with him, and it'll be fine."

"We'll be sure to notify your next of kin!" Sandra called out.

Nikki rolled his eyes, and went into the interrogation room. The door was immediately locked and reinforced from the other side. Glancing back at it, he grumbled at how scared even the Lieutenant Commanders seemed to be of this kid, before he turned to face their prisoner.

Amuro was sitting at the table, his hands cuffed and his ankles shackled, and left in only his boxers and t-shirt after being heavily searched for weapons. He appeared more bored than frightened or anxious.

Nikki wasn't intimidated at all. "Hello, I'm Ensign Nikki Roberto."

"Your parents must've hated you," Amuro replied.

Nikki sat down across from Amuro. "I'm not here to pick a fight with you, I just want to talk."

Amuro nodded slowly. "Okay, what do you want to talk about?"

"Well, I want to talk to you about the Gundam."

Amuro let out an amused snort. "I'm sure."

Outside the room, the Lieutenant Commanders prepared to sit down and oversee the discussion, when Ensign Hepner received a call on her headset. She quickly scurried over to them. "Sirs, Colonel M'Quve wants to speak with the both of you."

Schmitzer swore under his breath. "All right, tell the Communications Center we're on our way."

Ramba looked to Crowley. "Lady Hamon, I'll leave you to oversee things here."

"Of course dear," Crowley replied.

Ramba looked over to Char. "Come on, Char. I don't want you out of my sight."

Schmitzer looked to the other men. "You're dismissed, return to your posts."

"Yes Lieutenant Commander," Char said as he rose. He gave a lingering, bitter look at the monitor showing the interrogation on he followed the Lieutenant Commanders and the other soldiers out.

Back in the interrogation room, Nikki played it cool. "If you cooperate with us, we'll treat you well."

Amuro rolled his eyes at that. "Can I have a female interrogator? I like blondes, so maybe that one woman who was hanging out with the badass mustache dude?"

Nikki put on a look of mock offense. "What, I'm not good enough for you?"

Amuro leaned forward a bit, smiling at the Ensign. "Oh, I think you're hot and all Nikki, but I don't think you're into that sort of thing."

Nikki was immediately taken aback, startled by the flagrant pass, and outside Crowley's right eyebrow arched up.

"Hah, you're funny," Nikki said as he recovered his composure. "But let's get serious about this. How are you able to pilot the Gundam so well?"

Amuro hummed. "I helped my Father with the development, without my realizing it of course."

"I see, so you're intimately familiar with the Gundam's systems?"

"It's pretty much personalized to my specifications, by now. I've been tweaking it continuously since I started piloting it."

He was being surprisingly forthcoming, Nikki noted inwardly. "So it's safe to assume that you're the only one who can make the Gundam move, right?"

"Yes, it's keyed to my biometric data and will only recognize me or whomever I've preset to be allowed to pilot it. Right now there are only three other people who can, and the Gundam's hatch will only open for them"

"And if we tried to blow up the hatch?"

"Well, unauthorized access will just cause the Gundam to self destruct," Amuro replied. "The Minovsky Reactors will cook off and destroy everything within like… I wanna say… ten kilometers?"

Nikki's eyes widened. "You're bluffing."

"I don't know, my father designed the security system and he doesn't care too much for human life to begin with."

Amuro drummed his fingers on the table, as he watched Nikki carefully. A smile creased his lips. "Since we're still alive, I think you haven't been able to breach the cockpit yet but if you're willing to bet your lives you can keep trying. Next question?"

Crowley looked towards Ensign Hepner. "Tell the engineers to stay away from the Gundam at all cost. It may be booby-trapped with a powerful self-destruct."

Ensign Hepner nodded and bolted out of the room to relay this information in person.

This kid was pretty wily, Nikki thought. "So, you and your crew are mostly civilians according to our intelligence, is that right?"

"Yes," Amuro replied.

"If we the Zeon allowed you asylum, and a chance to return to your homes or anywhere you wanted to, would you?"

Amuro mulled this over. "Hm… honestly it'd depend on who you asked and how. Hayato would probably go for that, he doesn't really like to fight, but on the other hand some Zeon guy tried to molest him a bit ago so there's some enmity there. Kai definitely would, he's a coward and a prick and if you captured him, he probably would've sold us all out by now just to spite me for being better than him at everything."

Nikki nodded, as he paid attention closely. "Yes, yes."

"Most of the civilian refugees are really old, cranky folks who keep demanding to watch something called Matlock, or really young kids who want to kill you Zeon guys so that's a fifty-fifty. Mirai will happily follow Bright into the gates of Hell so long as he has a tight grip on her leash and hurts her a little with the riding crop. So that's a no."

The Zeon ensign blushed at the mental image. "I think that's a bit too much-"

"Frau Bow, though? She'd be much happier raping you Zeon guys with a loaded assault rifle and then pulling the trigger right before you reached your forced orgasm."

Nikki blinked. "W-what?"

"She told me this herself," Amuro replied. "She's been taking you guys killing her Mom and Grandfather very, _very_ badly."

The Ensign grimaced. "I… I'm sorry that that happened, that's terrible."

Amuro blinked. "Holy shit, you're actually sincere?"

"Why wouldn't I be? That is genuinely horrible!"

"Huh, you're a first! The guy directly responsible for this shit refuses to even pretend he's sorry."

"Lieutenant Char, right?"

"The wannabe Crimson Lightning, yeah."

Nikki laughed at that, and smiled some. "What about you? How would you like to walk away from this? I think we might even be able to call off Char if you cooperate with us."

Amuro hummed. "Well, that depends on what you can offer me on top of the promise of asylum and Char not kicking my ass, because I could seriously have either of those any time."

"Well, what could we give you?" The Ensign was genuinely curious to know.

Amuro mulled over that, and smirked a devilishly handsome smirk that made Crowley's heart rate climb as she beheld it over the monitor. "Nikki, do you really want to cut me a blank check?"

Nikki blinked as he did not escape the devilish smile's effect. "Well, uh… you're not going to ask for anything crazy, are you?"

"That depends on your definition of crazy." Amuro slowly licked his lips, and Nikki's gaze immediately followed the movement before he became flushed and flustered.

"I mean," Amuro continued as his half-lidded gaze locked with the Ensign's, "How badly do you want the Gundam?"

He folded his hands under his chin as the Nikki's blush grew.

"How badly do you want… me?" Amuro asked.

* * *

At the communications building, Ramba and Schmitzer stared up at the Frenchman facing them on the viewing screen. Colonel M'Quve, Rear-Admiral Kycillia Zabi's right hand man on the Earth and the person in control of the Odessa base as she wheeled about in space, was actually tickled pink to hear about the capture of the Gundam when he first heard of it, and was eager to go about exploiting this turnabout as quickly as possible.

The Lieutenant Commanders however had just deflated those ambitions.

"You want to return the Gundam and its pilot to the Trojan Horse?!" M'Quve asked in a voice that sounded like he was trying really hard to suppress a French accent.

Schmitzer nodded. "With all due respect, Colonel M'Quve, we should focus on rescuing Prince Garma safe and sound. Any technological advantage we have is moot if the Federation has him as a hostage."

M'Quve's eyes widened. "So you wish to simply give the Federation back its advantage?! Non-I mean, no! We are l'Zeon-WE ARE ZEON! We shall not negotiate with the terrorists of the Federation."

Schmitzer and Ramba glanced at one another, before the latter spoke, "Our orders from our respective commanders, Rear-Admiral Kycillia and Admiral Dozle, expressly place retrieving Garma as Priority One. You should be well-aware of this."

"Furthermore, thanks to the Efreet Custom, the Gundam's advantage is not as advantageous as we previously thought. It can still be beaten, all we need are better tactics in the future," Schmitzer added.

"Non, non," M'Quve quickly shook his head, "No! You shall crack open ze Gundam and examine it as thoroughly as possible!"

"Our engineers are going to attempt to blow open the cockpit, Colonel. We'll get that done soon enough," Ramba replied.

"Uh, no we won't," another soldier chimed in.

Schmitzer sighed. "What is it?"

The same soldier explained, "Ensign Hepner just stopped the engineers under the orders of Lady Hamon. The Gundam's rigged to cook off its reactors if it's breached and destroy everything within ten kilometers, according to the pilot."

"It's a bluff, you fools!" M'Quve argued.

"I don't know, the Gundam was designed by Tem Ray, after all," Schmitzer noted.

"Losing any part of California Base would be a disaster in itself," Ramba said.

"Sacré Bleu! Fine zen, we shall analyze ze Gundam at Odessa Base and zen return it and its pilot in exchange for ze Little Prince."

Lieutenant Commander Schmitzer rubbed the bridge of his nose. Why was M'Quve being so difficult? The answer to that he already knew, M'Quve was a sneaky little prick who not only wanted to have his cake and to eat it too, but everyone else's cake to boot.

M'Quve regained his composure. "You shall transport the Gundam and its pilot to Odessa immediately. My scientists will take it apart and analyze it properly!"

"And the pilot?" Ramba asked.

"We shall take him apart and analyze him properly as well!"

"Now that's something I can get behind," Char then blurted out. "If you like, I can even get started on the analysis! I have a back alley autopsy kit ready and everything."

"At least one of you is enthusiastic about this," M'Quve chastised.

"Are we finished here?" Schmitzer wanted a drink, badly.

"Oui-yes. I expect the Gundam to arrive at Odessa in twelve hours, gentlemen!" With that, the connection cut, and both Lieutenant Commanders let out frustrated sounds.

"How far do you have to have your head up your ass to get a command position like M'Quve's?" Schmitzer growled.

Ramba smirked. "He's got nothing on Delaz. Chromedome waxes so he can get it up there with as little resistance as possible."

Char quipped in, "Oh, oh, can I make fun of my superiors too? Because I have a bunch of really good ones regarding Kycilia, a horse, and comparisons to Catherine the Great."

Schmitzer and Ramba stared blankly at Char.

Char stared back.

The other soldiers in the communication center stared at the three commanding officers.

The awkward silence was deafen-

"Kycilia has sex with horses."

"God damn it, Char!" Schmitzer yelled.

Ramba held Schmitzer back. "We should head back to the security center, and see how the interrogation is going."

* * *

Outside, Ensign Hepner was on her way back towards the security station, lamenting how terrible today just continued to be. The sun was beginning to set, leaving the sky towards the horizon painted a deep orange and yellow, and as the young woman looked up at the clear and beautiful sky, she felt a bit calmer.

Wait, what were those? Contrails?

Ensign Hepner stared at the long trails of white advancing from the south towards her. There were a lot of them, arranged in formations. By her count, there had to be at least a hundred of them.

Then she remembered the horror stories she heard from other soldiers, and what so many contrails so high in the sky meant.

"Oh my God. Deep Roggs."

She broke into a run for the security center, even as the first sirens began to blare.

Entering the security center, Ramba, Schmitzer, and Char greeted the guards at the front with salutes, and headed down the long corridor to where their prisoner was waiting. Char's cheek was a bit red and swollen, from where Schmitzer punched him as hard as he could for the briefest second Ramba turned away. The mustachioed Lieutenant Commander let it slide because as much as he, a member of Dozle's camp, disliked Kycilia, it was still not the kind of thing you said while on duty. To a superior officer in Kycilia's camp, no less.

Oh well, all things considered, at least he wasn't one of the idiot sycophants in Gihren's clique, like the late Colonel Schneider–who was no longer alive enough to correct the mistake regarding his name, or one of those unstable halfwits who were clearly messing with powers beyond their comprehension.

"Hey, wait up." Speak of the devil, there was Nimbus now.

"Lord grant me strength," Schmitzer mumbled under his breath.

"Oh, hello Captain Schterzen, what brings you here?" Char asked.

"I didn't want to miss the show. I just heard that we can now utilize 'enhanced interrogation' techniques on all enemy combatants."

Char's mouth hung open in surprise. "Since when?!"

"Since about thirty seconds ago, Gihren posted it on his Twitter." Nimbus held up a smart phone, showing a tweet from the leader of Zeon himself:

_ brbkillindad Hey guyz jst wanted 2 let u kno enhanced interrogation is a-ok right peace out sieg zeon_

"Our interrogation doesn't need enhancement," Ramba said. "Besides, we have a plan regarding the Gundam and it's pilot and we're going to follow through with it."

Char frowned. "With all due respect, no! That plan is stupid."

"Retrieving Garma is our priority before anything else," Schmitzer replied.

Nimbus frowned even deeper. "Okay, I'm out of the loop. What's this plan, why haven't I heard it, and why do I already hate it?"

"They want to trade the Gundam and its pilot for Garma," Char replied.

"What? No! Fuck that plan, that plan is stupid!" Nimbus shouted.

"That's what I'm saying!"

Schmitzer looked back at Char and Nimbus. "I'll take off this prosthetic and beat you both with it, if either of you give me that kind of lip ever again. We're professionals here, every single soldier, and we're going to conduct ourselves professionally. I'd like to not hand the Federation back their trump card anymore than you, but I'm not going to let anyone under my command resort to thuggery or cruelty simply because a superior told them to!"

He glared at Nimbus, daring him to pull rank. If he did, the Lieutenant Commander would beat him with his prosthetic.

Ramba nodded in agreement to his old friend, as they entered the interrogation office. When they opened the door they found a most curious sight: Crowley was staring at screen, her face bright red and uncharacteristically slack-jawed as a bit of blood trickled from her nose.

Ramba recoiled. "Lady Hamon, what the devil happened to you?"

Crowley snapped from the trance induced by the screen as Ramba stormed over to her. "Ah, dear! It's- I-I mean-I swear it's-!"

Her halted stammering completely stopped when Ramba looked at the video feed and grew wide-eyed. Schmitzer, Char, and Nimbus also looked, with Nimbus almost immediately recoiling from the screen with a disgusted cry of "Dude!".

Amuro was straddling Ensign Roberto's lap as the two of them made out enthusiastically.

Schmitzer just stood there for a second, trying to think of a proper way to properly articulate the horrific pile up of emotions, all of them negative, that smashed into his Clint Eastwood-esque facade of stoicism. Ramba just buried his face in his palm, while Crowley hitched her shoulders in a bit of shame.

Char just stroked his chin. "Oh man, doesn't this violate our DADT policy?"

"Shut the fuck up, Char," Schmitzer growled as he stormed off into the interrogation room. A scuffle later, and some very nervous and embarrassed yelping from Ensign Roberto were followed by Schmitzer dragging Amuro out of the room by the back of his shirt.

"I kissed a boy and I liked it~! I hope my girlfriend doesn't mind it~" Amuro sang before Schmitzer popped him on the back of the head. "Ow!"

"We have to get back to the Zanzibar!" Ensign Hepner screamed as she ran into the room.

"Is it the Trojan Horse?" Crowley asked.

"No! It's a formation of Deep Roggs!" The redhaired ensign cried.

"Great, the Federation is launching an air raid," Schmitzer growled.

"They're either trying to destroy the Gundam, or cover another attack!" Ramba surmised.

Char got up. "Oh, it's definitely a distraction, I can feel it. They're coming for their Gundam."

Schmitzer looked to Char and Nimbus. "Get in a truck and get to your suits."

A few kilometers above the Earth, the scores of Deep Rog bombers lined up for the attack run as their Fly Arrow escorts went off to perform a bit of hunting. Thanks to the very minovsky interference that prevented the Federation from turning Mobile Suits into hilariously large moving targets of little military value, Anti-Aircraft systems that would have rendered the strategic bombers as hilariously large moving targets of little military value were also useless.

It was an irony that did not occur to the Zeon until after they got settled in on Earth.

In the lead of the formation, the lead bomber pilot flipped on his radio. "This is DJ Deep Rog about to drop the bass from fifteen kilometers. This request from Bright Noa goes out to Amuro Ray, chillin' out in California Base: 'Kill Everybody'."

The bomb bay doors opening even as the first flickers of uselessly inaccurate anti-aircraft fire began to reach towards them, the Deep Roggs dropped their loads. Ten ton General Purpose Bombs, Anti-Personnel Cluster Munitions, and good ol' fashioned Super Napalm Incendiary devices began to rain towards the base below.

On the opposite end of the sub base, a few kilometers away from where Amuro and the others were located, all hell broke loose as the bombs began hitting, creating massive trails of explosions that ate their way through the base, their shockwaves violently shaking every building not destroyed by the blasts.

Amuro looked up at the flickering lights of the interrogation room as the building began to shake from the nearby explosions, their bass joined by the wail of many air raid sirens. "The sickest beat."

* * *

At the sub base's airfield, Dopp fighters were scrambling down the taxiway to get to the runway and intercept the air raid, when the Dopp at the very front of the line of fighters exploded, struck by a single shell fired from the Guntank, which was situated a few kilometers north of the base, just inside visual range. Inside the upper cockpit mounted in the Guntank's head, Frau licked her lips as she zeroed in on the Control Tower next.

"Goodbye."

She pulled the trigger, sending another 180mm high explosive shell hurtling in a graceful arc through the sky and straight into the control tower, blowing it and every Zeon soldier inside straight to hell.

As the Guntank shook from the recoil of firing the heavy weapon, Hayato shook his head in disbelief in the lower cockpit of the machine. "Unreal, that is way better shooting than mine."

"Hey, Hayato, turn me three degrees to the right," Frau instructed.

"Oh, right!" With a slight twist of the controls, Hayato turned the Guntank ever slightly.

"I'm firing both!" Frau called out.

A second later it fired, the recoil of the twin cannons firing at once pushing the Guntank back slightly despite its treads being locked for firing. The Dopps attempting to maneuver around their destroyed lead were caught in the ensuing impacts, their explosions consuming the other planes and destroying them.

A pair of Zaku IIs spotted the distant Guntank, the pilot of the first snorting as he pushed the suit forward. "Damn it, that Federation suit's taken out the control tower, is there anyone else in charge?"

"This is Lieutenant Commander Geheart Schmitzer of the Midnight Fenrir. What's the situation?" The radio crackled.

"They just took out the Air Traffic Control Tower, Lieutenant Commander, and they're hitting the runway now. It's an artillery mobile suit, just one though!"

The pilot heard a clang and felt a jostling, and quickly moved to cover, believing it a near-miss. "The base commander was up in the tower!"

Schmitzer, who was riding in a convoy of trucks heading for the parked Zanzibar, swore loudly. "Then I will be taking command of the situation. Establish a defense perimeter and prepare to launch a counterattack against any enemy units!"

"Yes Lieutenant Commander!" the Zaku pilot answered.

His wingman then called out. "There's something stuck to the head of your Zaku, man!"

The first Zaku's pilot blinked. "What is it?"

"It's some red flashing thing, I don't know what it is-!" the second Zaku pilot was interrupted by the first's machine exploding violently. "Son of a bitch!"

A burst of machine gun fire of the 120mm variety then pounded the second Zaku, surprising the pilot. "W-what?"

He managed to get only a glimpse of his attacker as his machine began to come apart around him. "Another Zaku-?"

A shell pierced his cockpit, killing him, and the Zaku fell to the ground. Its mono-eye flashing, a white and blue Zaku marched onto the base, carrying its machine gun in one hand, and a magazine-fed dart gun in the other. Inside the cockpit, Garma looked at the two downed Zakus and shook his head.

"I'm doing the right thing," he reminded himself before he spotted another Zaku round a corner up ahead and opened fire without hesitation, downing it quickly.

Spotting another pair over the top another building, he aimed the dart gun at it and fired. With a hiss of compressed air, the fin-stabilized dart shot from the weapon at incredible speed, and struck the Zaku as it and its wingmate stared at the white Zaku in brief confusion. Very brief, because they quickly opened fire on Garma.

"Damn it!" Garma hissed as he quickly broke into a strafing pattern. "Hey, Gunperry, if you would?"

"Hold your horses Princess, we already fired," Kai replied before a missile raced from out of the sky and dove straight down on the dart-tagged Zaku, the ensuing explosion destroying it and heavily damaging its wingman. "See?"

Garma finished off the damaged Zaku with another burst. "I can see why no one likes you, Kai. Where's the extraction team?"

"Mama Bear? I think she'll be arriving any second now."

At that moment, Ryu's Core Fighter dove from the sky, strafing the soldiers and other personnel attempting to get to shelter. Garma saw the Core Fighter, and then did a double take. "The fuck?"

Coming out of its run with its flaps blown and its VTOL thrusters firing to slow it down, the Core Fighter came to a hover as several soldiers on the ground opened fire on it from the ground with assault rifles. As the rounds pinged off its armor harmlessly, a figure in a normal suit wrapped from head to toe in ballistics armor and overloaded with weapons stood up on its back, having ridden atop it.

"Thank you for the ride, Ryu sweetie," Kamaria said as she looked down at the soldiers below.

"You sure you gonna be all right?" Ryu had this a feeling that this was a rhetorical question.

Behind the visor of her normal suit, Kamaria's eyes began to give off a red glow that could be easily seen through the glass. "Of course, dear."

Through her eyes, an Augmented Reality Display suddenly flickered to life over her vision, complete with a kill-counter in the top right corner.

She jumped from the Core Fighter, drawing a shotgun from the holster on her waist, and an assault rifle from the holster on her back. Ryu, having the utmost faith in the woman, shot back off into the sky without looking back. It was a good thing he didn't, he would've seen something terrible.

"So far, so good," Sayla reported to Bright. "The bombers are orbiting, ready to close out the party. They've reported no losses."

"What about Garma and Frau?" Bright asked Oscar and Marker.

"Garma's hitting the Mega Particle Cannon Turrets together with the Gunperry, Frau and Hayato are suppressing anti-air responses to the Bombers exactly as planned," Oscar replied as he and his buddy managed the flow of data.

"Enemy Mobile Suits are mobilizing to engage Garma, Ryu and Frau you guys better cover him," Marker said to the team at the front.

Mirai whistled. "We sound way more competent that we should be."

"That's because I've got you bitches trained!" Bright snapped back.

Mirai bit her lower lip and suppressed the urge to moan.

Aboard the Guntank, Frau aimed with care, watching as a Zaku began to walk out of a hangar and swivel its mono-eye around. She squeezed the trigger and watched the glowing end of the shell she fired as it seemed to sail upward and then drift downward towards its target before striking. The Zaku blew up, taking most of the hangar with it.

"This is way more cathartic than it should be," Frau said as she scanned for targets. "Hayato, left four degrees. Thank you."

She fired again, blowing up a Zaku attempting to attack Garma. Hayato was just kind of dumbstruck. "She's already taken out four Zakus."

"Uh-oh."

Hayato looked up. "Uh-oh?"

"Left five degrees!" Frau suddenly shouted.

Hayato obeyed, and Frau fired again. The shell, however, missed the single Zaku II rushing at top running speed towards the Guntank. Turning to aim again, the Guntank fired, missing the suit as it hopped to the side and kept charging.

The Zaku's pilot, Sophie Fran, grinned and brandished her Zaku's machine gun before she let out a bestial yell. "TIME TO DIE, FEDDIE DOG!"

Marker hummed. "Welp, they're dead."

Bright's eyebrow quirked. "What happened?"

"One of those Zakus is running to engage the Guntank, and dodging everything it's throwing at it," Marker replied.

"Called it," Kai quipped.

Bright sneered at that. "They'll be fine, Frau Bow is far too obsessed with violent revenge to die like a dog in her first battle."

"I don't know, I hear you're more likely to die for that same reason under these circumstances," Oscar argued.

On the battlefield, Frau was in the mood to defy expectation. "Hayato, right! Now!"

The Guntank turned to the right, offering its profile to the barrage of shells fired by Sophie's Zaku. The extremely thick armor of the Guntank resisted the assault, as Frau lifted the left arm's four-tube missile launcher and fired back at the Zaku, the homing missiles closing in on the unit, which jumped clear at the last second.

"Left!" Frau yelled.

"Roger!" Hayato yelled as he turned the Guntank, bringing the cannons to bear quickly. Frau fired the right weapon, barely missing the Zaku, and then the left, the shell knocking off a piece of the Zaku's shoulder armor and sending it spinning to the ground.

Frau laughed. "I gotcha!" She fired the missile launchers, only to miss as the Zaku quickly got back up. "Damn it!"

* * *

As all hell continued to break loose, the loose convoy of trucks navigated the increasingly hellish carnage as they made a mad dash for the Zanzibar. In the lead Mine-Resistant Vehicle, Ensign Hepner was on the radio with the Zanzibar, desperately trying to coordinate a counterattack to little avail. The Mega Particle Cannons were being attacked by a Zaku, the remaining Zakus were trying to pursue that Zaku through the confusion, and any other units were trying to go after that artillery suit.

The worst part, was that the Trojan Horse itself hadn't even shown up yet!

"Lieutenant Fran is engaging the Trojan Horse's artillery unit, and backup is on its way. There's another attacking unit other than the core fighter, no one knows where it's coming from, though," Hepner reported.

Schmitzer growled. "The Guntank. That old thing shouldn't be a problem for a Zaku, especially with Sophie at the controls. My question is, what do they expect to accomplish with so little?"

California Base was a network of bases, by now other bases were likely scrambling Dopps and MS and they'd be swarming this base within fifteen minutes. It was what made attacking this base in general such a daunting task for the Federation that they decided to focus on Odessa in the first place.

The Trojan Horse, they had a trump card, they had to. There was something to multiply their forces and tip the balance in their favor for this otherwise suicidal smash and grab.

Schmitzer looked to Ramba. "M'Quve's going to have his way, whether we like it or not."

"Garma will have to wait," Ramba said before he looked to the very back of the truck. Amuro was sitting with Crowley and Ensign Roberto, and once again making out with the latter.

"Ensign Roberto!" Schmitzer yelled.

Pushing himself away from Amuro reluctantly, Nikki panted as he quickly wiped the drool from his mouth. "S-sorry sir!"

Schmitzer glared at Amuro. "The hell is wrong with you?!"

"I can't help it, I'm a total whore for hot redheads," Amuro replied.

Ensign Hepner's face almost became as red as her hair, as she rounded a corner and came within sight of the Zanzibar. Lieutenant Schmitzer's already grey hair was going to be white by the time this was over.

"When we're out of here, you're going into solitary," he grumbled.

Amuro smirked. "That's cute, implying I'm leaving here with you."

Ensign Hepner slammed on the brakes of the truck, causing everyone to pitch forward a bit. When Schmitzer looked ahead, they saw why. The tarmac around the Zanzibar was strewn with bullet-riddled Zeon soldiers.

Schmitzer's left eye twitched. In a gravelly voice, he growled, "What the hell?"

The other trucks in the convoy quickly pulled up to either side of theirs, their roof-mounted machine gun turrets roofs quickly swiveling about as the soldiers aboard quickly got out. Ramba drew his sidearm and prepared to jump out as well, when Amuro cleared his throat and shook his head.

"No you do not want to do that," he said quickly.

From behind a crate, Kamaria walked out. Her improvised ballistic armor sporting numerous bullet marks, scorched black at the hands and arms, and splattered with blood, she walked out in front of the Zeon soldiers. In one hand she twirled a machete, the heavy, black-colored blade with a serrated back dripping with blood and gore, and in the other she held a shotgun.

"What is that thing?" Ensign Hepner squeaked as she ducked low behind the wheel.

Ramba broke into a cold sweat as he stared at the helmeted stranger, and could clearly see a red glow where its eyes would be shining through the blood splattered across it.

Amuro smiled. "They're all going to die."

Schmitzer blinked, and in that instant Kamaria sliced a soldier in half with superhuman speed and strength. The machine guns on the other trucks opened fire, but she was already moving straight for the other soldiers.

She passed by two soldiers, one losing his arms, while the other's head was soaring away in a high and curving arc. As one soldier gawked at the other soldier's airborne head, she rested her shotgun against his jaw before pulling the trigger. His body hadn't hit the ground when two more soldiers were hacked apart by a practically unseen blade as Kamaria moved past them with the same fluidness.

Kamaria just did not stop, hacking clean through a soldier's waist as another earned a chest full of buckshot. Several soldiers simply threw down their weapons and ran screaming, as another lifted up his assault rifle and pointed it at her, also screaming.

"MONSTER! MONSTER!"

Kamaria moved out of the way as the soldier began firing and succeeded in only mowing down some of the fleeing cowards. Grabbing the panicking Zeon, she stabbed him in the gut with a brick of C4 and threw him into one of the armored trucks with enough force to actually dent the driver's side of the vehicle. The ensuing explosion knocked the truck over, and knocked over the one containing Amuro and his captors.

The third truck's turret quickly swiveled onto Kamaria and opened fire. Turning to face the truck, Kamaria walked towards it, the machete now an untraceable blur save for the sparks from the blade deflecting the bullets fired at her. The engine revving up, the truck accelerated towards her, to run her down. With casual ease, she jumped up onto the roof of the charging truck and walked over it, before landing behind it.

As the truck swerved to come about, the C4 she left on its roof exploded, destroying it and casting Kamaria in a frightening silhouette for the passengers of Amuro's vehicle. You could hear a pin drop inside.

"Ever hear of Predator?" Amuro asked calmly, breaking the silence.

Everyone looked at him, as if he had completely lost his mind.

"The original, the original original made way back in the 1980s, with that muscle guy?" Amuro clarified. To their looks, he shook his head. "Well that reference was wasted on all of you. But it's kind of like that, toss away your weapons and show that you're not worth killing, and she might not kill you."

"She?" Crowley asked. "That thing is a woman?"

The truck was suddenly slammed onto its wheels again, and the rear passenger-side door ripped off its hinges. A second later a shotgun was pointed into Crowley's face as she managed to sit back up. Her eyes wide, she stared at the barrel as the entirety of her life flashed before her in an instant over and over.

"That thing is my mother," Amuro corrected with an offended tone.

Kamaria reached up and lifted the visor of her normal suit, and a hiss of hot air escaped the helmet. She looked around the inside of the vehicle at the petrified Zeon soldiers, and smiled. "I've come to take back my son, now."

Amuro climbed out of the truck as no one protested, moved, or even breathed. As he stepped out, he patted her on the shoulder. "They treated me rather well. They even got on some of their more unruly subordinates for trying to harm me."

Kamaria nodded. "All of them?"

"Yes, and the boy in the back likes me."

"Do you want to take him with you?"

Amuro hummed. "Yeah."

Kamaria nodded and pointed her shotgun at Nikki. "Out of the truck. The rest of you are free to go."

Nikki quickly scrambled out of the truck, as Kamaria drew back the shotgun. Immediately Crowley was in Ramba's arms, trembling uncontrollably, as Schmitzer regained some kind of composure.

"J-just like that?" He asked.

Amuro smirked. "Call it a free pass for being decent people. Only this once, though, use it well."

He looked to his mother. "The Gundam's on the Zanzibar, let's grab it before Char and that Nimrod guy can get to their machines."

Kamaria nodded and placed the shotgun to Nikki's chin. "Come on, we're taking you to your new home."

As the trio walked away, Ramba rubbed Crowley's back as she sobbed quietly into his chest. "Gerhart?"

"Yes?"

"I think I'm going to put in my resignation."

After a moment, Schmitzer nodded assent. "Yeah, me too."

Ensign Hepner, had fainted from her overwhelming terror.

* * *

It's treads spinning as quickly, the Guntank powered backward from the Zaku and turned to present its profile to it as it fired another machine gun burst at it. The shells pelted the Guntank, which surprisingly held up to the assault with a few dings and minor damage. Growling at this, Sophie held down the trigger, only to be answered with a beep warning her of no more ammo.

"God damn these Federation Mobile Suits," she snarled.

"How are we still alive?" Hayato asked.

"You're a hell of a driver, that's why! Good job!" Frau congratulated as the Zaku tossed away its machine gun and went for its heat hawk weapon. "Oh shit."

"Now what?"

Frau took a deep breath. "Hayato, we're going on the offensive. Do everything I tell you and we'll survive!"

Hayato nodded. "What's the plan?"

"We're going to fight this guy in close quarters."

Hayato blinked.

Back aboard the White Base, Oscar and Marker stared at their monitors. The former had to ask, "Is she high?"

Bright mulled it over. "Eh, she'll be fine."

Sophie charged the Guntank, which immediately fired off a great cloud of smoke from its chest mounted vents. Rather than stand around like an asshole and gawk, she quickly threw herself to the side, avoiding the shell that Frau fired through the smoke. As the Zaku exited the cloud of smoke, Sophie grew wide-eyed as the Guntank's missile's converged upon it.

"Shit!" she cried out before the Zaku took all four hits and was covered in explosions.

"Drive me closer! I want to hit him with my sword!" Frau yelled to Hayato.

The Guntank accelerated forward and caught the momentarily stunned Zaku under its arms with the 180mm cannons. Grabbing the levers controlling the trajectory of both guns, Frau raised them as the Guntank lifted the Zaku with its handless arms, tossing the Zaku up and over it.

"Great Snowy Mountain Wind, motherfucker!" Frau shouted as the Zaku fell face first into the ground with a loud bang.

Missiles struck the ground around the Guntank, including one that hit one of its treads. A trio of Zakus were rapidly approaching the two Mobile Suits. Frau cringed. "Oh shit."

One of the Zakus, however, was quickly battered with the Core Fighter's missiles. Ryu quickly called out, "Get out of there, Frau!"

Frau looked up. "Huh?"

"Mama Bear just called, she's got Baby Bear safe and sound and they're getting out!" Ryu replied as he skillfully dodged the gunfire from the other two Zakus. A tracer dart then latched onto each, before missiles from the Gunperry homed in on them and blew them apart.

"Do as he says, I'll go meet up with the Gundam and we'll meet you at the extraction point!" Garma called.

Frau didn't need to be told twice. "All right Hayato, we're done!"

"Okay, but the left tread took a hit, we're not going to be getting out of here fast."

Frau nodded. "All right, White Base we're pulling back."

Before she could relax and focus on withdrawing, she felt a terrible malicious intent that filled her heart with fear. "Hayato! Go left!"

"Left?" Hayato snapped the Guntank around as quickly as he could, and grew wide-eyed as he saw Sophe's Zaku bearing down on them, its damaged monoeye flickering as the pilot shrieked like an enraged banshee.

"DIE FEDDIE SCUM, DIE!" Sophie screamed as she raised her Zaku's hands above its head, and swung them down straight for the head mounted cockpit.

Inside the Guntank's lower cockpit, Hayato felt and heard the extremely violent meeting of metal, and froze in place. In front of his eyes, he saw glass, from the shattered upper cockpit's canopy, begin to fall in front of his view.

"F-Frau?" His eyes widened, as he shook. "FRAU!"

Inside the cockpit of her Zaku, Sophie recoiled in shock when she saw that the Guntank's arms were raised, stopping the the fists from completely smashing the head. "W-what?"

Frau, her normal suit cut in places by the shattered glass and her helmet damaged, took a few deep breaths with her head bowed, before she lifted her head, revealing a determined smile on her bloodied face as she looked up at the Zaku's glowing monoeye.

"You messed up, getting in close with this Guntank!" she yelled as she shoved the Zaku back and opened fire with the last of the missiles in its hands.

Hayato gasped for joy. "Frau!"

The missiles struck the Zaku, however due to the close range of the impact, all of them failed to explode properly, only knocking the Zeon suit backward. Shaking her head as the Zaku slid back, Sophie saw her heat hawk lying on the ground as the Guntank aimed its main cannons at her.

Frau opened fire with the left cannon, and Sophie dove to the Guntank's right, grabbing the heat hawk as the Zaku rolled on the grassy ground. Getting up, she quickly raced to the Guntank's right flank as the heat hawk began to glow.

"This is it, I won't miss you this time!" Sophie screamed.

"Hayato! Lock the left tread and full reverse the right tread!" Frau yelled.

Hayato locked the tread, and hit the pedal on on the right in full reverse. At that very moment, Frau fired the Guntank's right cannon, the recoil combined with the right reversing tread causing the Guntank to spin where it sat, swinging both of its main guns directly to bear on the oncoming Zaku.

As the Guntank spun, Frau heard a ringing inside her head, and for the briefest instant she could see exactly where she needed to fire. "I see it!"

The Guntank's cannons fired, the 180mm shells striking the Zaku's shoulders and blowing them clean off. Thrown back by the explosion, the Zaku crashed onto its back and slid along the ground, Sophie screaming all along the way, before it slid to a stop a smoking, beaten wreck.

Hayato slumped back in his seat, panting. "Oh my God, we're alive."

Frau took aim at the Zaku. "And this guy is not!"

She pulled the trigger, but alarms informed her that the Guntank was dry. "Damn it!"

The hatch opening, an injured Sophie crawled up to the edge of the hatch, and stared up at the Guntank. She reached up and removed her helmet, before casting it aside.

Seeing this, Hayato grew surprised. "A woman?"

"I… I lost…?" Sophie's expression of disbelief turned to one of anger. "You running-dog! You bastard! This won't change anything! It's only a matter of time, Trojan Horse, and you'll be brought low like those before you!"

Frau stared down at Sophie, her eyes glazed over with entirely rational, calculating hatred. "Hayato. Forward."

Hayato looked up. "F-forward?"

"Forward."

Reluctantly, Hayato pushed the levers forward and the Guntank began rolling, straight for the downed Zaku. Sophie glared up at the oncoming Mobile Suit. "You… you won't win against the Principality of Zeon!"

She then realized that the Guntank was not turning or slowing down as it came upon the Zaku. Removing her helmet and letting the wind hit her face as she looked down at the Zaku, Frau offered her rebuttal.

"And you won't win against the weight of my Guntank."

The Guntank ran over the Zaku, its heavy weight easily crushing the waist and legs.

* * *

As Garma approached the disturbingly quiet Zanzibar, he began to note that the base in particular was disturbingly quiet, explosions and roars from strafing Fly Arrows aside. He wasn't complaining about the quiet though, the less things shooting him the better, but it was a little disturbing. The trail of red smears, bullet riddled and/or dismembered corpses, and fire leading to the Zanzibar did not help his unease at all.

"Where's Char, and Nimbus? Did they get taken out too?" He asked himself as he reached the Zanzibar and looked around.

There was no sign of Char's Zaku or the Efreet Custom anywhere. Oh there they were, heading straight for his location–oh son of a bitch.

"White Base, I'm about to get fucked." Garma drew his tracer gun and readied it.

"How hard?" Bright responded.

The monoeye cameras of both suits flashed brightly as they acquired him. "Really fucking hard."

Bright looked to another camera. "Ryu, can you lend a hand?"

"No go, jefe… I'm almost out up here and there are a lot of Dopps," Ryu replied as he gunned down his tenth kill in the furball high over the base, to the awe of the other Federation pilots.

"Huh." Bright shook his head. "Yeah, you're really fucked hard, Garma."

"That's not one of ours," Char said to Nimbus.

The Efreet Custom drew both of its heat swords. "I'm gonna go kill it."

"Go crazy," Char said cheerfully.

The Efreet Custom blasted towards the White Zaku, Nimbus grinned broadly. "Free kill! Free kill! Free kill!"

Garma raised his machine gun and began shooting, the Efreet easily dodging the fire as it closed the distance until it was right on top of him. With a flick of a sword, it sliced through the weapon, and then raised the other to do the same to the Zaku.

Garma froze in fear. "Oh no! Oh no! Oh no-!"

"OH YEAH!" Amuro exclaimed as the Gundam smashed through the side of the Zanzibar and punched the Efreet, knocking it back.

The Efreet skidded back, and then focused its mono-eye on the Gundam. Inside his Zaku, Char was livid. "What the hell? How'd the Gundam get out of those restraints?"

Amuro, sitting on Nikki's lap as his mother held on to the seat behind them, raised his arms and laughed. "The Gundam is as strong as twenty Zakus!"

Char took aim. "I'm going to kill you."

"Don't, I have a hostage," Amuro replied.

"Is it a young, attractive woman?" Char asked.

Amuro looked up at Nikki and then back to Char. "No, but I bet he'd make a fantastic bottom."

"Zeon doesn't negotiate with hostage takers." Char looked to Nimbus. "Gut 'em."

"I was gonna do it anyway regardless of hostage gender," Nimbus said as the Efreet Custom attacked again.

He stabbed at the Gundam, which sidestepped the attack and backed away. Lunging again, Nimbus attacked like a dual-wielding Jedi, the orange glowing heat swords creating bright arcs as he swung them rapidly.

"I feel bad for Zeon soldiers," Kamaria calmly said as Amuro kept evading with surprising efficiency.

"You do?" Amuro dodged another strike and rounded the Efreet Custom.

Almost immediately Char opened fire, pelting the Gundam ineffectually. As the rounds bounced off, Kamaria elaborated, "It just feels like they want something that's actually noble, but when they try to put it to practice, they keep coming out as irredeemable monsters."

"It helps that they are irredeemable monsters." Amuro dodged another slash as Garma threw one of his Zaku's cracker grenades at Char, the explosion and flash causing him some blindness. Without the annoying gunfire, he was able to take a step back from the Efreet Custom, which was sizing up its next move.

"Yes, there's that. But it's like... Ensign Roberto here, he seems to be a sweet boy who doesn't really understand what he's fighting for. Zeon had independence for twenty years before Degwin and Gihren decided they wanted to kill everybody." Kamaria looked to Nikki. "I mean, what do you think, yourself, about what the Zeon did during the first week of the war?"

Nikki stared blankly at Kamaria. "Um… I wasn't part of that. I was still stationed at Granada when-"

"See? He can't even form his own opinion."

"Brainless, but at least he's cute," Amuro said before addressing Nimbus. "Kind of like you."

Nimbus recoiled in his seat. "Dude, stop being gay! It's creepy!"

Amuro laughed. "Homophobic too? You Zeon are everything bad in the world!"

Kamaria nodded. "That is exactly my point, the only reason they have people fighting for them is because those people are functionally retarded."

"Don't call me a retard, you cunt!" Nimbus yelled.

Amuro's expression became stony. "You did not just call my Mom a cunt."

"I did, and I'm about to fuck her in hers with this sword!" Nimbus yelled before another cracker grenade exploded in the Efreet Custom's face, blinding him. "FUCK MY EYES!"

Garma looked over to Amuro. "Yeah, you're welcome, come on."

"I was wondering when you were going to step in," Amuro replied.

The Gundam and Garma's Zaku managed to walk away ten paces when-

"EXAM System, Stand By."

"Oh fuck," Amuro said as he turned back around to face the Efreet Custom, now glowing a bright red.

"White Base, where are you?" Garma radioed the ship.

"We'll be in range to suppress in five minutes," Bright replied.

Garma grimaced. "This is going to be the second longest five minutes of my life."

Amuro was going to ask what the first was, when the Efreet Custom attacked. The Gundam boosted to the side, leading the Efreet Custom away from Garma's Zaku.

"Go on and get out of here!" Amuro said to Garma.

Before Garma could take that advice, Char's Zaku fell on him with a heat hawk raised, prompting him to defend with his own. "Easier said than done!"

His eyes still stinging from the flash bang, Nimbus grinned as he kept much closer to the Gundam this time. "I'm going to love this! You have no idea how much I'm going to love this!"

"Amuro, what did you do to this young man?" Kamaria asked as Amuro narrowly dodged another barrage of slashes.

"Would you believe if I said I made fun of his mother?"

Kamaria clasped her hands together. "Oh how sweet, he loves his mother-"

"In the butt," Amuro quickly cut in.

Nimbus slammed the Efreet Custom into the Gundam, knocking it back. "Fuck you, faggot!"

The Gundam skidded back, and Amuro let out a snort. "Seriously, this guy."

"Maybe you should stop antagonizing him," Nikki suggested.

"He's the one who should know how to keep his radio off," Amuro said before he dodged again. "This is annoying, I can avoid its attacks, that's easy, but there's something else going on."

The Efreet swung for the Gundam's cockpit, and Amuro narrowly avoided it. As he fired a burst from the Gundam's vulcans, the weird MS dodged to the side and stabbed for the Gundam's cockpit. Narrowly, Amuro sidestepped the stab, and then blocked another slash by stopping the Efreet's other arm with its own.

"He can predict any offensive move I make before I make them!" The Gundam took a kick to the chest, and staggered back before Amuro boosted back to avoid a cross-slash.

Panting, Nimbus let out a laugh. "I'm a fucking God-tier MS pilot, that's why, a real live Newtype!"

"No it's not, it's just the MS and nothing else!" Amuro snapped back.

"It's true!" Garma said as he and Char clashed.

As the heat hawks of the two Zeon MS clashed against one another, Char reluctantly nodded. "That's right Garma–wait, Garma?!"

Garma took advantage of this and quickly hacked off the arm of Char's Zaku that carried the heat hawk. "Sorry!"

"Gah! My Arm! Why is it always my God damn arm?!" Garma kicked Char's Zaku onto its back, before hacking off the other arm for good measure.

Nimbus looked towards the two Zakus, struck dumb in disbelief. "That's Garma? He's a traitor?!"

At that exact moment the Gundam blasted straight for the Efreet Custom, raising its fist to punch the Zeon suit square in the cockpit and make its pilot go squish. At the last and worst possible second, however, the Efreet Custom's monoeye swiveled back towards the Gundam, and the suit moved all of its own accord, taking even Nimbus by surprise with a yelp.

As the Efreet Custom moved clear of the Gundam, Amuro heard a loud ringing in his head and went wide-eyed. "Huh?"

Nimbus quickly regained his wits and grinned as he raised the heat swords. "You're done, bitch!"

Amuro stared up at the Efreet Custom as it raised its sword, and his brain immediately registered something that it hadn't been able to up until now.

"Oh wow, you're beautiful."

The Efreet Custom immediately stopped, the tip of the heat blade only a foot away from the Gundam's cockpit. Nimbus was actually thrown forward a bit by the sudden stop, and blinked. "Wait, what."

He immediately began to work the controls, but the suit wouldn't respond to his input. "Hey! Hey, what's the matter with you?! He's right there! Move! Just a few feet more! Come on!"

Amuro relaxed as the Efreet Custom lowered its swords, the unit still staring directly at the Gundam's cockpit, as if directly at Amuro.

He could see, not the MS, but the image of a woman with short blue hair. "So… you're the EXAM System."

The woman nodded.

"I see. Well, is there any way I can help?" Amuro asked.

The woman slammed the Efreet Custom's heat swords down in front of the Gundam, much to Nimbus' chagrin. The Efreet Custom then held both its arms out, offering itself as an open target.

Amuro nodded and grabbed the Efreet Custom's swords. "I see, well… I've never been one to turn down a mercy killing!"

Nimbus went pale and immediately hit a lever, choking power to the EXAM System. "Fuck that!"

The red glow vanished, and the Efreet Custom leaped back from the Gundam as it thrust for the suit's cockpit. Landing back a safe distance, Nimbus panted as he stared at the Gundam. "What the hell did that guy do? How did he stop the EXAM System?"

An alarm alerted him of an incoming attack, and soon everything was blowing up around him, struck by the White Base's barraging weapons. "Damn it, the Trojan Horse, too?!"

"Captain Schterzen," Ensign Hepner radioed, "Retreat underground, that's an order! An entry to the tunnels is now opening!"

Spotting a large hatch opening nearby, Nimbus nodded and sent the Efreet Custom into a run, escaping the converging gunfire and escaping into the underground network of tunnels that connected the various facilities of California Base.

"Captain, there's no sign of any further enemy MS, and top-cover is keeping the enemy at bay. We're clear to extract the Gundam and Zaku and get out of here," Marker reported.

Bright sighed in relief, and sat back in his chair. The Guntank had been recovered, as had the Gunperry and Core Fighter. "Then let's make it happen. Amuro, Garma, come back aboard, we're getting out of here. DJ Deep Rog, I want to hear the sickest bass drop of all time on our way out."

Over the radio, the Deep Rog flight leader laughed. _"We're already lined up for another run, get out of our way."_

The Gundam and Zaku boosted into the air, landing upon the White Base, which quickly turned and began to flee the area. As the white ship puttered away with its reclaimed war winning weapon, Char climbed out of his Zaku, and began walking towards a bomb shelter, his already well-hidden expression entirely blank.

"Garma defected," he said quietly. "He actually defected to their side, and helped them rescue the Gundam. That son of a bitch."

He really should've killed him, in hindsight. As he neared the shelter, the first of the five ton General Purpose bombs dropped by the Deep Rogs began to hit, creating tremendous explosions. Char was too angry to care.

"They keep winning. He keeps winning."

One exploded nearby, flattening all of the buildings around Char. Somehow, he kept walking, with not even a scrap of debris or shrapnel touching him. His wounded pride would not allow him to die this day, no, not until it was satisfied.

"Next time, you little asshole, next time.."

He walked into the shelter, the doors closing behind him, as the rest of the base burned and exploded around him.

* * *

The sun was just disappearing below the horizon as the White Base crossed the California Coast, and began its flight back north. In the cafeteria of the ship, another celebration for victory was underway as the crew celebrated Amuro's safe return and the continued humiliation of the Zeon. However, the man of the hour himself wasn't present, he was on the weather deck, smoking cigarettes with Garma and Bright.

"I can't even imagine what your childhood was like, with parents like yours," Garma admitted.

Amuro blew out a puff of smoke that was quickly whipped away by the breeze of the White Base's slow transit. "It was a lot more normal than you think. You know, bears, survivalist training, and pagan rituals aside."

"Don't forget burning down half a city," Bright added.

"That was a mistake." Amuro leaned against the railing. "I have to admit, Garma, you really pulled through there."

"I'm serious about being on your side, as serious as any of you… well as serious as any sane person would be about this."

Bright nodded. "That's a good thing, if Char managed to survive the bombing and tell them about you defecting, it's not going to be pretty."

Garma looked to the Captain of the ship. "Gihren wouldn't let it out, the morale blow would be crushing."

Bright hummed. "Provided that it doesn't get out back home, remind me to out you as a defector on Odessa day, Garma."

"Will do, Cap'n."

The doors opened, and Sayla and Kamaria stepped out, the latter frowned. "Amuro, what did I tell you about smoking?"

Hitching his shoulders, Amuro put out his cigarette and tossed it off the weather deck. "Sorry."

Sayla hugged him. "I'm not kissing you if your breath smells like cigarettes."

He sighed and returned the hug. "Fine, I'll quit!"

He only got into it because Jotaro Kujo made it look cool as fuck.

Kamaria smiled. "Good! It's for the best."

Bright cut in, addressing Kamaria, "Are you sure you don't want to come along with us? We could really use someone with your capabilities out there on the battlefield, Mrs. Ray."

"Oh my, I would truly love to but legally speaking I'm not actually allowed to take part in this little kerfuffle. I only helped because my baby boy asked me, and was in danger."

"Wait, you're not legally allowed to fight?" Bright asked.

"Not at all. I'm considered a Biological Weapon of Mass Destruction, that's why I had to hide my identity, and kill nearly everyone who saw me."

"That would be so lame, anyway," Amuro lamented. "Who on this ship would want their Mom over their shoulder while they were trying to fight a war?"

Down in the cafeteria, Frau inexplicably sneezed and began crying into Ryu's chest.

Kamaria laughed. "Besides, you're all more than capable of ending this war in a hurry." She looked to Amuro and Sayla with a knowing smile. "You pretty much have to, young man, the middle of a warzone is no place for an expecting mother."

Sayla, tensing up, hugged Amuro tighter. He froze and stared at her. "Sayla? Really?"

Sayla nodded, and then relaxed when he returned the hug.

"Huh," Bright said, "So that's why Sayla had that hour-long freakout."

"I was afraid to leave the bridge," Garma added.

Amuro frowned. "Well, now I feel really bad."

Sayla pulled back. "For what?"

"I… kind of made out with a dude to fuck with Zeon's heads," Amuro admitted.

Sayla stared blankly at him, and Amuro actually felt real fear for the first time today. She then closed her eyes and took a deep breath, before resting her forehead against his. "I love you, so I'm going to let this one slide, okay? Just. This. Once. Let's get our acts together, not just for our sake, okay?"

Amuro nodded. "It won't happen again, I promise."

Kamaria shook her head, nothing but impressed with the blonde-haired girl. "She is easily the most formidable woman I've ever seen."

Bright nodded. "I'll say."

The group turned and watched as the last of twilight began to fade into darkness on the horizon, Amuro still tightly holding onto Sayla.

* * *

On the other side of the world, sitting at his desk in his office, a heavily perspiring M'Quve listened as Lieutenant Commander Schmitzer finished the last of his report regarding the incident at California Base. Schmitzer was the very picture of professionalism, despite the traumatic experience he had to endure, his voice did not crack or waver as he detailed every single thing that went wrong.

"Following the successful recovery of the Gundam, the Trojan Horse withdrew, and the Federation Bombers leveled what was left of the base. We have over a thousand casualties of all causes, and lost nearly all of our Mobile Suits here save for the Efreet Custom, and the Zanzibar has been completely destroyed. I can offer no reliable or sensible explanation as to how we could've been so handily defeated by so little."

"That will be all, Lieutenant Commander Schmitzer."

M'Quve flinched at the cold voice to his left, and looked up at Rear Admiral Kycilia Zabi, who had personally come to Earth to oversee the crisis regarding Garma's capture. He had hoped to welcome her with the news that the Gundam had been captured, but here he was, feeling the room get colder as she was told of their defeat today, and of the possibility that Garma wasn't captured, but defected.

"Lady Kycilia, as a result of my inability to stop the Trojan Horse, and for the blunder today, I hereby tender my resignation from the Zeon Mobile Assault Force, effective immediately," Schmitzer concluded.

The masked and helmeted woman closed her eyes tightly, and sighed. "Resignation denied, Lieutenant Commander. While you failed, you survived, which means you can learn from this experience. You're a smart man, and losing an asset of your caliber would be an even bigger blow to this military."

Schmitzer grimaced, but nodded. "Very well, Lady Kycilia."

"Transfer to Odessa base immediately, and we'll try to clean this mess up best we can," Kycilia ordered, before the communications ceased.

M'Quve gulped, and looked away from Kycilia when she turned her attention to him.

"M'Quve."

When she spoke, he flinched.

"Contact our Southeast Asian force, and inform Rear Admiral Sahalin that assets from Odessa will be sent right away to his operation, to speed up development of the Apsalus," she ordered calmly. "Then make a call to the Cyclops Team. I want them ready to deploy and hunt for the Trojan Horse within forty-eight hours."

"O-oui, madame," M'Quve sputtered, unable to remind himself that he wasn't a French stereotype due to overwhelming fear.

* * *

A/N: Some say I'm a man without taste, some say I'm a man without class, and still others would say I'm a brilliant genius of an author. The truth is, I am just a man who loves Gundam.


	7. Bacon Wrapped Apsalus

Disclaimer: This is ɐ non-profit fɐn-bɐsed pɐrody. Mobile Suit Gund∀m is property of Sunrise.

**Mobile Suit Gundam: Gran Tomino**  
Bacon-Wrapped Apsalus

_In which we cross over into 08th MS Team_

**[7.]**

"This is ZNN news, your number one source of unbiased, impartial news for the glorious chosen race of the Earth. And this is Garma Crisis Day 30," the announcer spoke in a masculine, baritone voice as television cameras swiveled and pointed at a dimly-lit news desk located inside of a garishly decorated newsroom. As the lights came on, a middle-aged man and a young, attractive blonde woman ceased pantomiming speaking to one another and faced the camera.

"Good evening Zeon, I'm Nigel Tannenbaum," the man introduced himself.

"And I'm Michelle Drake, filling in for Clarice Darrow, who was drafted into our glorious Military to fight the Federation scourge," the chipper blonde replied.

Actually, Miss Darrow had a nervous breakdown on air after hearing her boyfriend had "died heroically against a cowardly enemy"–though the actual cause of death was eaten alive while being sodomized by grizzly bears. During said breakdown, she blamed everything on the Zabi Family, and was promptly carried off by 'Draft Officers'–in truth, the Draft Officers were Volunteer Secret Police, who quietly spaced her.

"To those of you joining us, it has been thirty days since our beloved Prince, Garma Zabi, was kidnapped by a team of bloodthirsty Federation-backed insurgents in a violent raid that destroyed the city of New Orleans." For the millions tuning in on the broadcast, they were treated to file footage of devastation caused by Hurricane Katrina almost two-hundred years prior, showing flooded streets, burning buildings, and people wandering roadways.

Since the average Zeon citizen had no concept of natural weather phenomena, stock footage, or history, they could only presume that this was the result of some Federation attack.

"Since then, the noose has been steadily closing on the kidnappers, the terrorist organization known as The Trojan Horse," Michelle continued, "A group known for its reckless disregard for human life and its degenerate members."

Down on Earth in Odessa, Kycilia stared at the screen, her left eyelid twitching. Would you believe that up until this moment, she had never bothered to see how pathetic her brother's propaganda machine was? "I can't believe they're getting away with this."

Standing next to her desk, M'Quve nodded. "I know! Ze Federation swine must pay for zis atrocity!"

Looking at M'Quve briefly, Kycilia buried what was not hidden by her mask into her palm and let out a long, sad sigh.

"Even as we speak, an unprecedented assault force has been deployed to Southeast Asia, to corner the Trojan Horse and free Prince Garma," Nigel spoke. "Admiral Dozle Zabi himself said that they had the location of the Trojan Horse and Garma's liberation was only days away."

In his planning room at the space fortress Solomon, Dozle stared at his staff, who were all sweating so profusely that the collars, backs, and armpits of their dress uniforms were completely soaked through.

"What do you mean, you can't find the Trojan Horse?" Dozle asked in a low, dark tone that promised certain death.

The man he asked was an attache from the Zeon Mobile Assault Force, a blonde-haired man who constantly wore barely tinted sunglasses and looked like a real prick. Clearing his throat, the aptly named Colonel Killing chose his words carefully so as to not end up known as Colonel Killed. "The Cyclops Team has reported that the Trojan Horse's movements are completely erratic and aimless. There's no way to determine where they'll go or what base they'll attack next."

"You mean to tell me, that some of Zeon's best soldiers have no way of finding a bright white flying ship in the middle of China," Dozle replied.

"The Federation has employed some kind of polyethylene-based stealth system in the ship's design, it's completely undetectable even when you're standing next to it," Killing explained.

Dozle pinched the bridge of his nose, and wondered how anyone would be dumb enough to be fooled by a bright blue tarp and a car alarm system. Rather than voice that frustration, he punched Colonel Killing in the face with his free hand.

Back in the news studio, the two propaganda mouthpieces continued to spew stupidity. "Our thoughts and prayers," Nigel said, "Go out to Garma, who is no doubt suffering tortures great and small at the hands of his dull-witted, depraved, Satan-worshiping captors."

"Can you believe what they say on the news these days?" Oscar asked Marker aboard the bridge of the White Base of the news broadcast being aired on the bridge's main screens.

"Hey, they wouldn't say it if wasn't true!" Marker replied with a laugh.

Amuro, who was sitting with Sayla at her station, made a face. "We are not dull-witted."

Mirai was equally offended. "And what's so bad about Satanism? I'm a perfectly functional member of society!"

"I for one find the depravity endearing," Garma said without looking up from the map of Asia the White Base had been meandering all over for the last couple of weeks, leaving dozens of outposts, bases, and mining operations controlled by the Zeon in charred, blood-splattered ruins along the way.

Bright leaned back in his chair, amused by the adorable 24-hour propaganda machine of the Zeon, and relieved that Mirai answered his question about the Sigil of Baphomet tattooed on her back without him having to ask about it. "Hey Garma, what's next on the itinerary?"

"We're approaching the Zeon's Southeast Asian front. With all the damage we've been doing to their bases and supply lines deep in their territory, there's no doubt that the situation at the front is looking increasingly dire. It's a bit of a gamble, but I'm sure we could perform a rear action and punch them wide open for the local Feddies."

Amuro looked towards Bright and Garma. "When it comes to rear actions, I spread holes open the widest–ow!" Sayla had flicked his ear without looking up from her work.

"Captain, we have a broadcast incoming from General Revil," she reported.

"Main screen turn on." At Bright's request, the propaganda broadcast switched to the image of General Revil, sitting on the bridge of a Big Tray and smoking a cigar like a boss. "General Revil, to what do we owe the pleasure, so we may hunt down and kill it?"

Revil chuckled. "Bright my boy, thanks to you the Zeon are running around like chickens with their heads cut off; they are pouring assets better suited for defending Odessa into hunting down and murdering the lot of you and for that we could not be more grateful."

Bright nodded. "Thank you General, but now that you're done fluffing us up, who are we sticking it to now?"

"Business as usual, eh Captain? Well, it's like this: the Zeon were preparing a new superweapon for destroying Jaburo, but now it would appear that it's been repurposed for sinking your ship. And if the specifications are to be believed, it is more than capable."

"Aw I'm flattered, let's see the little scamp."

High resolution photos of a large dome-shaped mass of machinery being illuminated by gunfire appeared in a window next to Revil on the screen. The images changed to others, of a slightly bulkier version of the machine in lower quality, flying across a desert.

Garma immediately recognized it. "That's the Apsalus, it's actually in the Prototype Stage now?"

Revil focused his attention on the Zeon-Defector. "What can you tell us of it, son?"

"It's exactly as you said it was, a flying Mobile Weapon being developed at Zeon's Cambodia Base, designed to destroy Jaburo with a Mega Particle Cannon," Garma explained grimly. "Something like this would be a problem if it got the jump on us."

"Which is why we're going to get the jump on it," Bright decided. "General, the desert in those newer pictures, is that anywhere near our current locale?"

"As a matter of fact, the locals in that area report seeing that thing use the canyons south of your location to travel to and from its testing ranges without being observed, the Far East Army has already dispatched a team to attempt an interception."

Bright frowned a bit "The Far East Army. That would be Captain Ryer, huh? Well we're going to mosey on over there and steal their thunder spectacularly. Inform them that the Apsalus intercept mission is now under the jurisdiction of the Trojan Horse."

"Oh I will, enthusiastically. I never liked that brown-nosing prick. Godspeed Captain Bright."

As the transmission ended and data was quickly sent to Sayla's station, Bright hit a button on the intercom. "Everbody get in here."

Everybody was on the bridge by the time Bright lifted his finger from the button, and he quickly adopted the tried and true Gendo pose. "All right kids, we're about to have a bit of fun."

**[Eye Catch]**

"Look, it's not that I think that he's a whiny little priss, but seriously. Seriously. Exactly what did we go through much of yesterday and the day before dealing with? Relationship drama! I swear to God, it feels like I joined some really poorly thought out love story rather than a desperate war against a genocidal army."

Master Chief Petty Officer Karen Joshua wasn't one for insight, but God damn did she hit the nail on the head, or at least Chief Petty Officer Terry Sanders Jr. thought so. The almost thirty Federation pilot was reclining in the operator's seat of the 08th MS Team's Type 74 Hover Truck, standing sentry while listening to his squadmate rant.

"Speaking of poorly thought out romance, am I the only one who finds Kiki trying to get all up on Shiro's junk _exceedingly creepy?_"

"Nope," Sanders replied.

"He's not even trying to discourage it, either. Come on dude, establish some boundaries? No means no? Ask for a less jailbait informant?" Inside the cockpit of her RX-78[G] Gundam Ground Type, Karen shook her head and let out an exasperated sigh. "Fuck, you know what's going to happen, right? One day she catches him out in a bad way, desperate to blow off some war stress, and what do you know, everybody's getting court-martialed."

Sanders mulled that over. "I don't know, he's pretty hung up over some girl of his, like the priss."

"What is with these guys and their women being all they can think about when we're in the middle of a war?"

Sanders grinned. "You're right; you don't worry about your woman at all."

Karen broke into a laugh. "You're an asshole."

Hundreds of miles away, Corporal Eledore Massis yelled "Fuck you, Sanders!" for no immediately apparent reason.

"Still," the redheaded Master Chief continued, "Between Michel being off the ball, and Fearless Leader's whole… thing, I'm impressed we're all still alive."

"You guys do realize we're all on the same channel, right?" A new voice asked. Inside the cockpit of his Ground Type Gundam, Ensign Shiro Amada, a bright eyed, optimistic, and very… main character-y sort of fellow was trying his best to be gracious in the face of his shit-talking subordinates.

"Yes," Karen immediately replied, and Shiro could hear Sanders laughing.

Shiro sighed. "You're lucky I like you guys so much."

Karen put on a smug smile. "The feeling's mutual. In fact it's why I haven't rolled a grenade into your bunk while you sleep."

"That and you don't want to risk fragging the jailbait, too," Sanders noted.

Karen nodded. "Ah, that's right."

"I'm sitting directly beside you, jackass," Fourteen year old Kiki Rosita, a girl far too Hispanic to be a Cambodian native, complained to Sanders.

Shiro rolled his eyes as Karen and Sanders laughed. Reaching into his shirt, he drew out a fancy watch on a chain and examined it. As he sat back, he wondered about the owner of the watch, a beautiful light blue-haired woman of decidedly Zeon affiliation. Aina Sahalin, he wondered what had become of her since their fateful meeting those scant weeks ago.

Inside the third of the 08th MS Team's three Gundam Ground Types, Michel Ninorich, a young man looking at least four years younger than his fresh age of 18, let out a dejected sigh as he wrote a letter chronicling his latest endeavor. "Dearest Bebe, well I'm finally piloting a Mobile Suit, though not one of my own. As my last letter stated, we're still waiting in this God awful desert for this God awful monster machine to show up. Aside from previous… difficulties, we're really bonding as a team now, especially with Eledore gone–though it doesn't look like the pedophile jokes are going away anytime soon."

"No they are not," Karen chimed in.

"Michel, do something about your radio," Sanders added.

Shiro groaned. "Damn it, could you people not abuse the com like this?!"

Michel sighed. "Bebe, every day I'm not with you is suffering. I'm completely surrounded by assholes. I just wish this enemy would show up already so I can mail this out to you!"

"We can still hear you," Sanders said.

Coincidentally, a few miles up the large canyon that the 08th MS Team was chilling out at, a massive machine dropped from the sky and nimbly stopped just above the floor of the gorge. The vaguely dome-shaped and Zaku-headed Apsalus II levitated for but a moment, before it surged forward, driven by several powerful thrusters and its high output Minovsky Craft System. Inside the cockpit of the massive weapon, test pilot Aina Sahalin had an uneasy feeling.

"We've used this route every test run since the Apsalus II became operational. Am I the only one who thinks that it's only a matter of time before someone in the Federation gets wise about this?" The light blue-haired anime chick asked her escorts, a pair of Dopp fighters soaring high above the gorge.

One of the escort pilots couldn't help but laugh. "Oh come on, Princess! The Federation is stuck way too far south of here."

"I'm just saying. If you get too used to a pattern, you're bound to become complacent and let your guard down. The next thing you know, you're ambushed by a small Feddie force and suddenly fighting for your life," Aina retorted as she smoothly navigated a turn in the ravine as she'd done a dozen times before.

The second pilot scoffed at the very idea. "You're being paranoid."

Kiki frowned as the Hover Truck's audio sensors picked up a rumbling in the distance. "I've got something...!" She sorted through the audio, speeding it up. She heard engine noises and smirked. "Definitely mechanical, and big."

"That's our target," Sanders said. "Get ready to intercept."

He then noticed an incoming transmission. "Of all times, why is HQ calling now?!"

The 08th MS Team had devised a foolproof plan for capturing the Apsalus. Simply, they would drive the low flying Apsalus into a net stretched across the canyon like a spider's web, and when the Apsalus attempted to avoid the deadly web, they would attack it with beam rifles, hopefully destroying it and delivering a crushing blow to the Zeon forces in the area. The plan hinged on perfect coordination, teamwork, and deadly accurate aim.

Unfortunately, the better shot in the 08th MS Team decided to swap out his seat and let the rookie with no prior piloting experience take up his spot on his mount. These are the defenders of Earth, ladies and gentlemen.

As the unsuspecting Apsalus II hurtled towards certain doom, it became a lot more suspecting when something exploded directly behind it–exploding dummy balloons launched by the ambushing Feddies. Aina quickly looked back. "What the shit? An enemy attack?"

A rocket then exploded in front of her, spreading a large, spider-web shaped net across the ravine. "Oh God damn it!"

Deploying its air brakes, the Apsalus II howled to a halt in mid-air, stopping just short of the net. Staring at it, Aina blinked when she saw arcs of electricity jump across the webbing. "Almost Feddies, almost."

Wait, she was now standing perfectly still-

"FUCK!" She cut the Minovsky Craft output and dropped straight down, narrowly avoiding the rookie's beam rifle shot, a shot that took far too long for the rookie to line up. "Beam weapons?!"

"How could you whiff that?! It was standing there all week!" Karen yelled at Michel as she quickly moved to reposition herself.

Michel was rushing to the canyon's edge. "I was taking aim! You know how the rangefinder on this thing is!"

"Why do people even use that?!" Karen asked before she noticed a bright glow emanating from the canyon floor just as Michel and Shiro's Ground Types reached the edge. "Uh, Michel, Shiro, run!"

Several beams of light tore up through the canyon wall, one of the beams slicing through the beam rifle of Shiro's Ground Type as Michel's staggered back. Michel was, naturally, shocked by this development. "W-what is this?!"

"It's a Mega Particle Weapon! Get back!" Shiro called out before the Apsalus II suddenly shot from the canon floor and loomed over Michel's Ground Type.

Aina immediately spotted the 08 on the shields of the two Ground Types in front of her, and huffed. "You guys, again? Well this time I'm not going to lose!"

Michel stared up at the barrel of the Apsalus II's Mega Particle Cannon, his bowels and bladder voiding preemptively as it began to charge up for a most assuredly Gundam-melting experience. At that moment, however, Shiro leaped his Ground Type to ram the Apsalus II's side–only for it to be knocked off its aim anyway by a pair of explosions on its other side, sending it crashing into Shiro's Gundam as the beam weapon fired, narrowly missing Michel's suit.

Karen blinked in surprise and looked around. "Who fired that?"

"It's time to kick ass and chew bubblegum," Kai said as smoke drifted from the Guncannon's barrels. "And I'm all outta gum."

"Couldn't have come up with a more original one liner, huh Kai?"

Hearing Sayla's voice, Kai rolled his eyes. "You have no appreciation for the classics!"

"I do, just not you ruining them," Sayla replied.

"What the fuck is a Guncannon doing all the way out here?" Karen asked as the Apsalus II spun around in the air, trying to dislodge Shiro's Ground Type. "Oh crap, Shiro!"

Aina was… getting dizzy. "Damn it, they damaged the balancer!" She turned her attention to the cling-on Ground Type. "Get off me you dumb oaf or we're going to crash and die!"

Shiro, who was also getting dizzy, recognized that somewhat tomboyish voice. "Hey, you're Aina Sahalin!"

Aina looked over, shocked. "Shiro Amada?!"

"A pleasure to meet you both," a new voice chimed in. "I'm Amuro Ray."

Aina looked up, and her eyes went wide as she watched the RX-78-2 Gundam fall towards her. A million thoughts went through her head, as she realized that the Federation's White Devil was bearing down on her with a beam saber raised above its head, and surprisingly she was able to articulate all of them in the form of a bloodcurdling scream of terror.

"Slicey, slicey, slicey–what." Amuro's sure-to-kill secret technique: Cut you like your bitch-ass had it coming, was suddenly blocked from connecting with the Apsalus's head and cockpit area, but went on to cut through the right side of the Mobile Armor, damaging the Minovsky Craft system and shutting it down.

The Gundam landed in a crouch, the beam saber flickering, and directly behind it the Apsalus II and its unwanted passenger crashed into the ground behind it, kicking up a huge cloud of sand. Extinguishing the beam saber, Amuro replaced it and glanced over towards the other 08th MS Team units.

Sanders climbed out of the Hovertruck, agape at the sight of the white Mobile Suit. Sitting on the truck's open turret, Kiki brushed her painfully 90s hair from her face as she beheld the wondrous sight.

"That's not just a Gundam, that's _the_ Gundam." Sanders then remembered the radio, and leaned in to pick it up. "HQ, this is Sanders we-"

"Sanders? You mean like the Chicken guy?" Sayla asked. "This is the White Base. 08th MS Team, secure the perimeter, we're coming in to collect the prize."

Karen watched as the Guncannon walked over to the Gundam, and then beyond it at a white ship descending from the sky. Bless her heart; she was becoming a little starstruck. "Holy shit, it's the White Base and everything."

She was interrupted by the remains of a Dopp smashing into the ground next to her position. "Jesus Christ, what the Hell?!"

"My bad, mami," Ryu radioed as the other Dopp raced away as fast as it could. "Shit. Missed one."

"Let it go, you can't spread fear and terror in the Zeon ranks if there's no one alive to tell of it," Bright pointed out.

Shiro's Ground Type stood up, slightly damaged by the crash but otherwise functional. This was a good thing for Shiro, as he suddenly found himself facing the Gundam. "Huh?"

"Okay man, real talk, why did you block my kill?" Amuro asked.

Shiro recoiled a bit, and looked towards the Ground Type's non-shield equipped hand, which was carrying its now unlit beam saber. He looked back to the Gundam, which he had just barely deflected to keep it from damaging the Mobile Armor's cockpit.

"I know the pilot, I didn't want you to kill her because she… she's worth much more alive than dead," Shiro responded.

Amuro shrugged his shoulders. "Good point, she probably is."

The Gundam then kicked its shoddily made leftovers over, knocking Shiro around in the cockpit. "Hey, what was that-?"

"That said," Amuro cut him off, "Don't give the wrong ideas, dude."

As the White Base came to a hover over the wreckage, the Guncannon walked over to the Apsalus and reached down to wrench away its hatch armor. Opening his cockpit, Kai mumbled to himself unkind things about Sayla as he walked down the arm of the Guncannon to the exposed hatch. Pulling out a crowbar, he wedged it under the hatch and applied force.

"Fucking hipsters… other people can make pop culture… references too! Fuck! Open you stupid-!"

The hatch popped open with a hiss, and Kai peered inside to find a hottie in a red normal suit, a cracked visor on her helmet, and the blissful serenity of unconsciousness across her face. The first thought of course to come to his mind, was how God damned hot she was. "Whoa… hey Amuro, you should thank that guy."

"For what?"

"She's a solid eight."

"Hair?" Amuro asked.

Kai removed her helmet and tossed it aside. "Light blue."

Amuro's face fell. "Meh, that's a breaker for me."

"Excuse me?" Sayla asked.

Amuro waved her off casually. "I'm only speaking in hypotheticals, relax."

"We'll divvy up the spoils after we get them aboard the ship," Bright interrupted. "Get the Apsalus secured under chains and prepare to lift out of here. I want to be back in Cambodia proper by sundown!"

"Aye cap'n!" Kai, Amuro, and the bridge crew of the White Base responded.

"Kai, you bring up the pilot."

"Good idea sir deferring to me, a certain knocked-up psychopath wouldn't have it if her baby-daddy was left alone in a cockpit with some easy access poon for more than thirty seconds."

"I know where you sleep, pocho," Sayla hissed.

"Hey you two, flogging and keelhauling are still allowed as punishment if I class it as 'therapy'," Bright warned.

"Then what do you call what you and the helmswoman get up to, Master and Commander?" Kai asked.

"Shut up Kai, that's what."

As the crew got to work preparing the Apsalus for transport, Shiro scratched his head in bemusement. Like the rest of his team, he was struck in amazement. These guys, they all sounded like they were around Michel's age. And that attitude, these were those people, the Trojan Horse?

* * *

Unluckiest Zeon Soldier Power-Rankings are as follows: Rank 500 to 5 belongs solidly to the base personnel of the former Zeon Spokane Base, all of them killed, eaten, or violently sodomized by Grizzly Bears. Number 5 was especially notable, being eaten alive while being sodomized to death.

Coming in at number 4 is Char Aznavel, a real contender for the crown, but he is held back by the specter of competence. A few more failures and some diabolus ex machina will put him right over the top.

Number 3 is Cecilia Irene, born with two first names and the assistant to Gihren Zabi, she's got the spot locked because she was hired specifically for her resemblance to the late Matriarch of the Zabi Family and that adds to her ongoing horror whenever she feels Gihren's wolfish stare upon her body.

Cima Garahau is the number 2 in the Zeon Bad Luck Power Ranking. While yet to be formally introduced into the story, this woman has been screwed harder than Sayla Mass on a nightly basis. She's been tricked into and blamed for a colony gassing, treated like a subhuman by the country she gave everything to protect, and her home has been stolen and converted into a death ray–though she does not know this last item yet.

Number 1, however, belongs to Ensign Skippy. Who is Ensign Skippy? He is the Zeon Dopp fighter pilot who narrowly escaped death at the hands of ace pilot Ryu José. Why is he unlucky? Well, he has to explain to his superior, Rear Admiral Ginias Sahalin, why he came back alive after the Apsalus II, its pilot, and the mountains of extremely vital data relevant to not only the Apsalus but all future Mobile Weapon projects, were left to be captured by the Federation in the desert.

The fact he'd rejected the test pilot's very valid criticisms of their flight plan and training location would undoubtedly be brought up as well. While somewhat minor compared to the rest of the evidence, he was sure the audio recordings would shift his fate more towards the "slow and painful demise" side of things. It was grim enough as it was, given that Ginias had the worst boner for his sister, and not in the figurative sense. Be brave, Skippy.

Ginias tapped his fingertips together as he stared across his desk in the office of his converted mining base, his unflinching stare boring straight into and through the Ensign's eyes. Next to him stood Norris Packard, a Zeon Ace and battle brother of the legendary Ramba Ral. A shrewd man, he cared deeply for the lives of his subordinates and for the ideals of honor on the battlefield. Both of these aspects were going to serve as grave liabilities in the coming battles.

"Ensign Skippy, was it?" Ginias asked.

"Yes, Rear Admiral," Skippy replied weakly, cursing his name.

"You said that, and I quote, 'The Apsalus was ambushed and brought down by The Trojan Horse'. Is that correct?"

"Y-Yes sir," Skippy managed without squeaking too badly.

"And after evading their attack, you flew straight back to the base."

"Yes sir," Skippy repeated, minus the stuttering. He was too scared to stutter anymore.

Ginias nodded. "Skippy, were you scared when you saw the Trojan Horse?"

"Yes sir," Skippy said for a third time.

"And that's why you came straight back."

"Of course sir!" Skippy said, changing it up a bit. Excessive repetition had been known to cause the death of many a Zeon peon before him.

"It never occurred to you once, at all, to perhaps shadow the Trojan Horse from a safe distance and perhaps find where it was taking its ill-gotten bounty so we could perhaps retrieve it?" Ginias' voice developed an extremely menacing edge as he asked.

Skippy only let out a weak sound, as he shook his head negative.

Ginias nodded slowly and rested his hand on his heavy oak desk. His eyes never left Skippy's, as he reached into a drawer for something. Skippy froze, like a deer in the headlights, and his life flashed before his eyes… before Ginias drew out a handkerchief and wiped his brow with it.

"I see, very well. Thank you for your report, Ensign."

A ray of hope entered Ensign Skippy's life. Maybe he wouldn't die! Horribly or otherwise!

"You're dismissed," Ginias added, and the ray of hope became the grossly incandescent light of the sun. It was really happening, Skippy wasn't going to die! As he saluted Ginias and turned to leave however, his superior added.

"Do however, understand, that the only reason I'm being so lenient is because my anti-psychotic meds haven't worn off. The next time I see you, I will enthusiastically break your limbs and leave you to be eaten by the vermin at the bottom of the deepest shaft in this mine. Do I make myself clear, Ensign Skippy?"

"Cr-Crystal," Skippy squeaked. "Permission to flee in terror and mine ice in the Kuiper Belt far from any human contact for the rest of my life?"

Ginias smiled brightly. "Granted."

Ensign Skippy thus fled screaming from the room, hoping he could make the "Kuiper Belt Mining Assignment" office in time. Hopefully the line would have shrunk somewhat thanks to attrition.

Ginias leaned back in his chair and rubbed his chin. "While I'm on my meds, Packard, let's address our most pressing problem."

"We're unable to remotely detonate the Apsalus, apparently the Federation was smart enough to find all the detonators and remove them in the time it took for Skippy to get here and tell us something went wrong," Norris explained.

Well that was inconvenient. It looked like they'd have to do it the old fashioned way.

"Orbital bombardment it is," Ginias said.

Okay, maybe the meds were wearing off faster than he thought. "Rear Admiral, we can't orbitally bombard them, that was outlawed by the Antarctic Treaty and besides we don't have the means to."

"This war would be won if it weren't for that arm-twisting treaty," Ginias lamented. "Oh well, I'm an engineer and when it comes to solving problems I am second to none. We're going to need backup, contact Odessa and request reinforcements."

"Admiral Kellerne, sir?" Norris asked.

At the very thought, Ginias wanted to hurl. "I can't imagine speaking to anyone worse right now."

Thousands of miles away in Odessa, Kycilia rested her finger on the speaker function of her telephone. "Ginias Sahalin, I take it everything is going well in your corner of the world?"

On the other end of the line, Ginias palmed his face. "And just like that, I've proven myself spectacularly wrong."

"Excuse me?" Kycilia asked.

"Nothing. Lady Kycilia, I have a bit of a situation regarding the Apsalus Project. Call it a setback."

Kycilia was already unhappy behind her ninja mask. She had dumped quite a bit of capital and resources into the Apsalus Project over these past few weeks in order to sink the Trojan Horse, after all. "How minor of a setback, Ginias?"

"It's about as minor as one would imagine given the circumstances."

Well, that was somewhat foreboding. "What happened?"

"Through no fault of our own, the Federation was tipped off to the flight plan of the second prototype, and there was a minor engagement."

Very foreboding. "I see, then?"

"It was against a miniscule force, a single MS Team. At first there was no cause for concern but then…"

All of the foreboding. "Then?"

"The Trojan Horse arrived, brought down the Apsalus II intact, and captured it."

Kycilia stared at the phone, her eyes wide and rapidly becoming bloodshot, as she began to tremble with fury. She hit the intercom button next to her phone, smoke rising from under her fingertip. "M'Quve. My office. Now."

On his end of the line, Ginias raised an eyebrow as he heard the door open in the background.

"Madame Kycilia, what is it-" There was then a gunshot, that made both Ginias and Norris jump.

"YOU SHOT ME IN ZE FUCKING LEG!" M'Quve screamed.

Kycilia's incoherent scream drowned him out, and then there was more incoherent screaming… and gunfire. After several seconds of this everything went quiet, except for M'Quve's pained whimpering and Kycilia's heavy, but evening-out breaths.

Ginias looked over to Norris, who just shook his head. Slowly, Ginias lowered the phone's handset to hang it up.

"Ginias."

And just like that he had it back to his ear. "Yes, Lady Kycilia?"

"I am coming to Cambodia."

Ginias began sweating profusely. "My Lady-"

"I will be there in six hours. Locate where they took the Apsalus before I find you."

"U-understoo-"

"If the whole of your forces are not ready to deploy to recover or destroy the Apsalus before I get there, you will know that God was a lie they told to comfort you from my existence."

The call ended, and Ginias stared at the receiver. "Norris."

"Yes?" The knightly Zeon replied.

"I've soiled myself."

"I'll get you some fresh pants."

* * *

The wonder that had captured the 08th MS Team was full blown euphoria at the headquarters of the Kojima Battalion and its contingent of soldiers. Seeing the most notorious ship in the Federation arrive with the almost mythical beast that had been haunting the region for weeks now hanging under it was a sight to behold. Even as they worked to clear space for the Apsalus, and a landing zone for the White Base, soldiers were loudly cheering and raising a fuss. It was only natural though, they were in the presence of living legends.

Not everyone was happy though, and the least happiest of them all was Captain Ethan Ryer, a curious case of a man given a command that exceeded his rank–specifically because someone was needed to fight on a front of no strategic value whatsoever and all the higher ranking, competent officers were too busy being as competent as the Earth Federation would allow elsewhere. He was unhappy because his army, arguably one of the better equipped forces outside of the amassing Odessa Force given their number of Mobile Suits on the ground, had an intelligence and morale coup literally snatched from its grasp by Jaburo's darling little band of state-sponsored terrorists.

What made it even worse was that his command had been entirely usurped by the ship and its commanding officer, and Jaburo confirmed it. So now, with the Apsalus in their hands, and a Zeon response almost assured, he was suddenly second fiddle to easily one of the last people he ever wanted to run into short of General Revil in a bad mood.

"Captain Bright Noa, it's been a long time," he recited to himself as cheerfully as possible as he rode the elevator up to the White Base's bridge. Present with him were the members of the 08th MS Team, and their commanding officer and the commander of the battalion stationed at this base, Lieutenant Colonel Kojima.

Shiro and Michel, having heard this, glanced to Kojima, who glanced back and rolled his eyes. Even a bitch like Michel could sense it, the Mad was strong with this one.

"This is the White Base. I never thought I'd get a chance to set foot on this ship." Sanders was still very starstruck, which was understandable given that he'd not seen any of the named crewmembers aboard it yet.

Karen, ever the pragmatic sort in a military full of naïve morons and men of questionable luck, had her eyes more on Shiro. Not out of any romantic sense, quite the opposite. His blocking a fatal strike from the Gundam to save that Mobile Armor pilot bugged her, and with all the excitement subsiding, she was ready to call him out on it.

"Good afternoon Captain Bright, I see you are well," Captain Ryer whispered to himself as he put on a fake smile that would freak out Bleach's Gin Ichimaru.

Kojima sighed. This was going to be one of those meetings where egos and hurt feelings would come back to doom someone, and given that he was a dirty unwashed soldier and these were glorious EFSF Master Race captains, the doom would likely squarely fall on him and his.

"I see that Captain Cassius has chosen the right man for the job." Even in a whisper, Ryer's tone was viciously backhanded. Sanders grimaced and wanted to backhand him. Kojima closed his eyes and imagined backhanding him to lower his blood pressure. Karen decided that if she wanted out of this military, her best option was to backhand him.

There was a ding, as the elevator finally reached the bridge. Ryer looked back towards the 08th MS Team. "I don't need to tell you all to show some respect, we're all professionals here."

_What inescapable irony_, Karen thought to herself as the elevator doors opened.

"For the last time, Frau, you're not interrogating the prisoner," Bright said sharply to Frau, who was leaning against his armrest and looking to him pleadingly.

"Come on, I promise I won't hurt her!" Frau cried.

"You said that about Ensign Roberto and he's still curled up in the corner of his cell, crying. It's been almost a month," Garma pointed out.

Amuro, who was sitting with Sayla, raised his hand. "Yeah, but in her defense, I may have told him things."

Frau glared at Amuro. "Is that why he shouted 'No, not my ass!' when I walked in?"

"Yeah."

"Damn it! I told you that in confidence!"

Bright nodded sagely. "And that's why you're not interrogating Miss Sahalin."

"You will be used as a threat, however," Garma added.

Frau hummed, and shrugged her shoulders. "I can live with that."

Karen's head tilted to one side, with a slow creaking noise. "Is that Garma Zabi?"

"All these guys look around my age." Michel's observations of the crew came with a feeling of unease and, mysteriously, envy a depth of which he found quite uncomfortable.

"Some of them look even younger," Shiro replied as they followed their commanding officers out of the elevator and onto the bridge. They were immediately noticed by Oscar and Marker.

"Hey Sauce Boss, Captain Ryer's on the bridge," the former reported.

Bright perked up and looked back. "Oh Captain Ryer, Lieutenant Colonel Kojima, welcome aboard."

Ryer frowned at that. "When a superior or senior officer arrives on deck, it is customary for all present to salute. I expected a little more discipline from you and your crew."

A brief, awkward silence fell on the bridge as the crew present on the bridge directed their full attention to Ryer and his condescending comment. Bright took the shot at his professionalism polite and in stride. "Protocol aboard this ship is relaxed out of necessity, Captain. It interferes with job performance, otherwise."

Garma had no obligation to be polite. "I never thought to consider that explanation for the Federation's general failure and your success, Captain Bright."

Ryer tensed at that. "Is there a reason that Zeon prisoner is not rotting in the brig?"

Frau looked over to Mirai, mouthing "Can you believe this guy?" Mirai just shook her head.

Bright gave Ryer a genuine, if muted, look of disbelief. He then snapped into his usual expression of contempt concealed by professional indifference. "Wait, you mean him? He's not our prisoner, he defected. See? Federation uniform and everything."

"The trousers are a bit tight but no one's complained yet," Garma added.

Bright nodded. "In fact, the crew finds his firm, taut butt morale boosting."

"I know I do," Amuro quipped.

"Yeah," Sayla agreed.

"I was not informed of that, _Captain_. In fact, I've not been informed of a lot of things since you usurped my command." Ryer's condescending tone now came with a deluxe attempt at being intimidating.

As if this man could intimidate the man who laughed in the faces of two legendary Zeon commanders, and told the Red Comet to eat a dick. "That's my privilege, sir. The Trojan Horse is a very unorthodox combat unit, and as per Revil's perhaps too specific orders, I exercised my right to take command of Federation Forces in the area to complete the objectives given to us. If you have a problem with that, you can take it up with him."

Ryer narrowed his already squinty eyes at Bright. "Really, _Captain_ Bright, acting like you've filled Cassius's shoes."

That awkward silence from before set in again, though when Bright broke it this time, he abandoned the pretense of being polite. "I don't know why you're attempting to have this dick-waving contest with me, _Ethan_, but keep it up and I will slap you with mine," he warned him.

Ryer recoiled and darkened. "Excuse me, but you should watch your language when on deck."

"Make an effort to watch your tone, _Ethan_, and we'll talk," Bright returned.

"I think that's enough," Kojima cut in, denying Ryer the last word. "We have work to do, gentlemen and said dick-waving contests–futile as they are–can wait." He folded his arms behind his back as he gave Ryer a pointed look.

"Oh thank God," Karen whispered to herself.

Bright decided he was going to remove Captain Ryer from the rest of this conversation, anyway. "Very well, Lieutenant Colonel Kojima."

Kojima turned his attention to Garma. "So, Captain Garma Zabi, you actually defected. This is quite the surprise."

"That's Lieutenant Commander Garma Zabi, I had to take the two-rank demotion before they agreed to let me enlist," Garma replied.

Kojima nodded with a smile. "Well, welcome to the winning side, we have blackjack and hookers."

Garma was in full agreement. "Damn fine ones, too. Cigars could be better, though."

"You've probably been smoking some low quality fare, whatever's popular with the kids these days. I've got some hand-rolled beauties you can try, a gift from Revil himself as an apology for this shit command," Kojima replied.

Garma smirked. "Funny that. Bright has a case of Wild Turkey as an apology from Revil for his."

"Awesome, fine cigars and fine whiskey, when this is done we'll have ourselves a proper Gentleman's Party," Bright said as he stood up from his chair and walked over to the group. "So, this is the 08th Team I presume?"

"Yes," Kojima replied before he introduced the pilots. "These are Ensign Shiro Amada, Master Chief Petty Officer Karen Joshua, Chief Petty Officer Terry Sanders Jr., and Corporal Michel Ninorich."

Bright respectfully saluted them, and the salute was returned. "Good to meet all of you." He turned his attention to Kojima. "Now that formalities are out of the way, Lieutenant Colonel, I think we should get down and discuss our next moves and the Zeon response to our victory."

Kojima was in full agreement. "Yes, there's no way the Zekes are going to let you just saunter off with their prize weapon."

Ryer looked between the two COs, as he realized that Bright was no longer even pretending to acknowledge him. "I'm ready to commit units to-"

"I'm going to need a list of bases under the Far East Army's command," Bright interrupted, "Particularly air bases with Fly Mantas and Mongooses. There aren't enough MS with usable pilots to stave off a Zeon attack. With us involved, they'll likely send new units straight from Odessa to support."

Michel paled at that. "New units? How much are they willing to commit, uh… sir?"

Bright rubbed his chin. "Given that the last few attacks have involved no less than a dozen ships or one extremely high performance unit that gave the Gundam a problem… I'd say they will darken the sky with Gaws dropping MS on this base."

"Probably within the next few hours, Kycilia doesn't tolerate failure not even her own," Garma added.

"See? Why lock up this stud when he's got brains to go with those dashing good looks?" Bright asked.

Kojima hummed. "Say, would Kycilia tolerate failure so little, that she'd risk going directly to the front to ensure things go well?"

Garma smirked. "Are you kidding? When it comes to micro, she's a monster. She's made entire Starcraft tournaments her bitch back in the day, and admittedly that's carried over to her military career."

Bright, being a strategic and tactical genius-slash-wizard, immediately got what Kojima was getting at. "Kojima you son of a bitch, are you suggesting we go two-for-two?"

Garma looked back at Bright. "Wait." He looked at Kojima. "You want to…" He looked again to Bright. "You want to capture Kycilia?!"

Karen was quite alarmed at this "Do you realize what you're saying? That's insane, suicidal even!"

"Hey man, that's our bread and butter," Mirai said.

"Come on, Karen," Sanders said as he gave her a light nudge. "It's not like they don't have experience with this sort of thing."

Michel asked, "Are you really sure that a huge Zeon attack force is going to come here?"

"I'm sorry if I didn't impress upon you the fact that my sister does not fuck around the first time. So I will reiterate: my sister does not, and will not, fuck around," Garma replied. "Knowing her like I do, being her youngest brother who's known her all of my life, right now she's probably so pissed off that she's shot half her subordinates and the other half are putting on body armor in case they cross paths in whatever corridor she may be stalking in a rage. She does not take failure well, and she will not let us just walk away with a top secret weapon and all the technology therein."

He gestured to himself. "The same guys that kidnapped me just humiliated her, again; I assure you she's putting together a huge force to take us down, and recover that stolen pride."

"We might need some tranquilizers for when we capture her," Bright noted.

"I copped some ketamine from my Mom before we left Spokane."

Immediately Bright had an idea for hilarious Youtube video, provided things went smoothly. "Good deal."

Shiro took a step back, stunned at these people and their bravado. Were they even human?

Bright looked over to Kojima. "Well, given we'll need every weapon we can get our hands on, we're going to need that Apsalus thingy in working order. To do that, we'll need the person who knows it best."

"That's true, but that pilot… she won't just turn over what she knows," Kojima replied.

Bright then turned his gaze over to Amuro. "Oh… I don't know about _that…"_

Amuro nodded. "Ah, you want me to convince her to defect. I don't know…"

"Much as I would rather not stoop that low, your peculiar powers of persuasion are pertinent to preserving our posteriors," Bright said.

"Well when you alliterate it like that…" Amuro looked to Sayla. "Look, I know that you don't want me-"

"It's fine, I understand," Sayla quickly cut him off. "We need her on our side, and if it's expressly to screw over the Zeon I can look the other way, like I did with Roberto."

"Really?" Amuro asked.

"So," Sayla said, "You have my permission."

Amuro hugged Sayla. "I will make this up to you so hard. I will spoil you forever."

He then stood up and saluted Bright. "Captain, you have yourself a negotiator!"

Shiro then spoke up, "Let me do it."

Bright looked over at Shiro. "No."

Shiro recoiled a bit. "But, I should talk to her, I know the pilot of that machine-"

"Don't care, Amuro's handling this."

Shiro frowned. "Why not? It would make more sense for someone who she might be able to trust to try to convince her to defect!"

"Why not? Hum, do I have to count the reasons?" Bright asked. "One, you may know the pilot, but we didn't know you knew the pilot. Two, if you walk in there trying to convince her to defect, she will think you being all buddy-buddy is an act and will definitely not cooperate. Three, you pulled a weapon on another Federation pilot in the middle of a combat operation, we can't trust you far as any of us can throw the Gundam. Four, you sound like Ikkaku Madarame and I hated the shit out of Bleach. Five, and most importantly, I'm the Captain of this ship. Fuck you." He pointed at Ryer. "And you."

Shiro tried to find a retort, any retort, but much like Ryer at the moment; he was at a loss for words that would be disregarded at any rate. Deciding it wiser to walk away from the confrontation rather than be verbally slapped around again by Bright, Shiro turned for the door. "I don't need this."

"That's right, walk away, Bitch McWetPants," Bright called after him.

Karen watched Shiro leave, as surprised as the rest of the 08th Team that Bright settled their drama right there. "Captain, did you just-"

"Make a reasonable judgment based on my available knowledge of the matter at hand?" Bright finished for her. "Yes."

Karen found herself wondering a few things, among them if Bright was a Wizard, and what would it take for her to be reassigned to this magical ship of magical people. But also on her mind was Bright's decision to send Amuro in to talk to the Zeon pilot. "On that note, are you sure the kid can convince the Zeon pilot to defect? She seemed pretty eager to kill us all, Shiro notwithstanding."

"Of course he can, he's very convincing, you see," Bright explained.

Karen shook her head. "Excuse me if I find that a little asinine."

"Again, that's our bread and butter," Mirai said.

Amuro laughed and turned his attention to Michel, who was giving him a slightly perturbed look. Amuro smiled back to him.

Kojima, who knew well enough, cleared his throat. "Karen, you should just trust them-"

"No, I'm just curious about how he's going to do it," Karen insisted.

"Well eye-contact is key for one," Sayla said with a bit of amusement. "You should tell Corporal Ninorich to not stare."

Karen looked over to Michel, she found their youngest squad mate blushing brightly as he and Amuro stared at one another. "Michel!"

Michel's deer-in-headlights expression vanished and he quickly looked to Karen. "Yes sir, I mean ma'am?!"

Sanders raised a non-existent eyebrow. "Uh, Michel?"

Michel noticed Sanders's look, and his flush returned. "Whoa, hold on, I'm not-! That wasn't because I-!"

Karen looked back at Amuro. "What did you do?"

"Nothing," Amuro quickly replied.

Karen put herself between Amuro and Michel, before staring down at the former. "No, seriously, how did you do that?"

Amuro looked back up at her, and lamenting that she had to be so hot, and so redheaded, and he was so not single. "Watch carefully."

Sanders looked back and forth between the two of them. Sayla held up a hand, and began to count on her fingers, as she watched Karen's scowl gradually soften, and a blush begin to spread across her cheeks. Shiro twitched as Karen suddenly became a bit starry eyed, and sparkles began to appear in the air around the two.

"Nine seconds," Sayla quipped.

"Karen!" Sanders barked, and like Michel, she quickly snapped out of it.

"What? H-hey!" Flushed just like Michel was, Karen took a step back from Amuro. She rubbed the back of her head as she looked away from him. "Christ, that's… wow you're cute."

Amuro looked away as well, as Sayla grabbed the top of his head and tilted it from side to side. "You have no idea how much of a hassle it is to deal with! Still, it makes him qualified for this kind of thing."

"Man, these guys are unreal," Sanders said. His admiration for the legendary crew was hardly diminished by their unorthodox ways, however.

"Unreal? They're insane!" Michel quickly whispered to Sanders. "They all are! Did we step into some bizarro world where kids command ships, pilot super weapons, have weird mind powers, and do whatever the hell they want?!"

"It's okay to be jealous, Michel," Sanders replied.

"I'm not jealous!" He absolutely was.

Karen walked over to where Garma was seated. "So, how do you cope with… all of this?"

"Beg your pardon?" Garma asked.

"You seem way too fine about fighting your own people alongside these lunatics," she replied, not that that discouraged her intentions of joining.

"Ah, well if you know anything about my family that would tell you everything."

Totally and willfully ignored by the crew of the Trojan Horse, Ryer glared at Bright as he and Kojima discussed their battle plans and possible contingencies. If this was how a senior Federation Space Forces officer was going to be treated, then Ryer decided that he was going to personally show Bright what respect was.

Shiro, in one of the White Base's bathrooms, leaned over the bathroom sink as he splashed water on his face. He never would've imagined that the Trojan Horse, which had been an overwhelming surge of morale for him and pretty much every Federation soldier since Garma's capture, would be so… dysfunctional.

"What was wrong with this crew? Is there something in the water?" At that question, Shiro looked down at the water flowing over his hands, and then quickly raced to the paper towels.

"Come on, man. If it was the water, then it'd be on every Feddie ship and this war wouldn't be going so bad."

Shiro looked back towards one of the other stalls, as a toilet flushed. Out walked Kai, who headed over to another sink and began to wash his hands. Kai looked over to the Ensign. "Bad show back there, man. The Captain didn't like what you pulled out there anymore than his Bottom Bitch, he wasn't going to let you anywhere near her before you even set foot aboard the ship."

Shiro's heart fell, and he let out a sigh. "Everyone on this ship is an asshole or insane."

Kai laughed. "Oh man, insanity is the least of it. You're looking at delusions, revenge obsession, nymphomania, psychopathy, sadism, masochism, and Stockholm Syndrome."

Shiro stared blankly at him. "So are you the sane one?"

"Oh no, any sane person would have jumped this ship the first chance he had," Kai replied.

Shiro blinked. "So why are you still here?"

"Are you kidding? We kidnapped Zeon's Prince and we're still alive to brag about it. The way I see it, I stay on this ship and I don't die."

"Oh, so your thing is chronic cowardice?" Shiro asked with a slight bitterness.

"I'd be a coward if I didn't contribute. You're welcome, by the way."

Shiro tilted his head. "For what?"

Kai smirked. "It's time to kick ass and chew bubblegum, and I'm all outta gum."

He was the Guncannon pilot? Shiro shook his head. "This is so surreal."

"Don't I know it man. But hey, when crazy works, go with crazy." Kai headed for the doors.

Shiro pondered that for a moment, and then grabbed Kai's shoulder. "Wait. Can… can you take me to see the prisoner?"

Both of Kai's eyebrows arched. "Why would I?"

"Because you sound like you don't like Amuro, or the Captain, and you'd help me to annoy them," Shiro pointed out.

Kai stared at Shiro, and nodded. "Yeah, that's about right. Follow me."

Letting out a sigh of relief, Shiro followed Kai out the door and down the corridor.

* * *

If Aina Sahalin ever made it back to Cambodia Base, she was going to hunt down Ensign Skippy, enthusiastically break his limbs, and leave him to be eaten by the vermin at the bottom of the deepest shaft in the mine.

"Good God, I'm starting to think like my brother." Aina, wearing a t-shirt and sweatpants supplied to her in lieu of her normal suit, stared at the floor of her prison cell and thought about how great it would be to have her revenge nevertheless. "Worth it."

"Hey, you're not crazy, are you?" Hayato, who was standing guard outside her cell, asked.

Aina looked towards her door and huffed. "I'm about as sane as any engineer."

Hayato cringed. "Don't say that, the only other engineer I know is an oversexed vamp who likes to set things on fire and occasionally alludes to making me squeal like a piglet while his girlfriend watches."

Aina slowly nodded. "Okay, I'm the only sane engineer you'll probably ever meet, then."

Hayato was too nice a guy to accuse a woman so pretty of being a liar, but it was pretty much there. The doors opened, and he looked over to see Kai and Shiro walk in. "Hey, why did you bring him here?"

"Fuck you, that's why," Kai crassly replied before he gestured to the door and looked to Shiro. "Mr. Amada, behind that door is one Aina Sahalin."

Immediately, Aina perked up and rose from her bench in the cell. "Shiro?" She went up to the door and peered through the bars at the man in question. "Shiro Amada." She smiled. "It is you."

Folding his hands behind the back of his head, Kai raised an eyebrow at this turn of events. "Hey, let him in the cell."

Hayato gaped at Kai. "What."

"Relax Miss Scarlet, if he does anything you can shoot him," Kai offered

Hayato stared at Kai. "Fine, but I get to shoot you, too."

"Whatever," Kai replied as he stepped back.

Drawing his sidearm, Hayato opened the door. "Don't try anything, please. I'm trigger happy."

Shiro wouldn't have thought of it. It was a good thing too, if he had tried Hayato would've shot him in each kidney and then his bladder so he could watch him die in a puddle of piss and blood.

Shiro nodded to Hayato and walked in, but not before catching out the corner of his eye the kid smartly twirling the pistol and holstering it with speed that'd make Revolver Ocelot say "Damn". As the door shut behind him, he looked to Aina and smiled. "Aina, I'm glad you're safe."

Aina hugged him. "Me too, no one would tell me what happened to you after they pulled me out of the Apsalus and put me in here." She pulled back from the hug. "Where are we, anyway?"

"The White Base brought us back to our main base." Shiro and Aina both sat down on the bench.

Aina sighed. "I can't believe my awful luck, captured by the Trojan Horse right when I meet with you again." She smiled to Shiro. "At least I get seeing you again out of it."

Shiro smiled back, and then reached into his shirt to pull out an ornate silver watch with a pair of wings sticking from it. "Oh, here. You left this behind with me."

"My watch!" Aina gratefully took it, and opened it. "You held onto it, after all this time?"

"Well, if it wasn't for it we'd both be dead. A keepsake from a brush with death, right?" Shiro asked.

Aina laughed. "I'm glad you got something out of it. All I got was a wrecked Zaku and a scolding from my brother."

Three kills to her credit, too. But company considered, she wasn't going to mention that.

Shiro blinked. "Your brother?" He looked down at the watch, and the picture hidden inside it, of Aina and some pretty boy blonde douchebag. "Wait, this guy?"

"Yes, my brother Ginias." Aina paused. "Wait, what did you think he was?"

Shiro grew sheepish. "Oh, uh… I thought he was your boyfriend."

At that, Aina couldn't help but laugh. "Oh God, I don't have a boyfriend, and if I did Ginias would break his limbs and leave him to die in a deep hole somewhere."

"The overprotective type, huh?" Shiro asked.

Aina laughed. "A little, yeah."

Outside the door, Kai mouthed "Siscon" to Hayato. Hayato held in a snicker, and performed some notes to Dueling Banjos on air-banjo while humming them faintly. Kai buried his face in his palm to keep from laughing out loud.

Shiro looked towards the door, and then back to Aina. He then scooted closer to her, to whisper, "Aina, the Zeon are coming here to get you back, and there's going to be a big battle. A lot of people are going to die."

Aina grew understandably aghast. "Oh no…"

Kai and Hayato looked to each other, but kept listening.

Aina recoiled a little. "I can only imagine how furious my brother must be to have lost the Apsalus, but to attack so soon?"

"It's not just him, they say Kycilia herself is coming and she'll be bringing a huge force with her."

Aina believed that. A month ago she and her brother had met with Kycilia in regards to the Apsalus's new purpose. The woman was deadly serious about the importance of the Apsalus, and made the consequences for any failure frighteningly clear.

"I have an idea, though," Shiro whispered, "If the Zeon get you back, a battle doesn't have to happen. No one, Federation or Zeon, has to die. I want to get you and that machine out of here."

Kai's blank expression hardly betrayed how dumbstruck he was at Shiro's stupidity; Hayato's did plenty, though.

Aina was touched. "You'd do this for me? But you're a Federation soldier, you could get in trouble."

"I am, and I hate the Zeon. But… ever since that day we met in space you're all that I can think about. If it weren't for you, I'd be dead or worse." Shiro smiled. "I think it's time return I the favor."

Kai stepped back. "No way he's a spy, he's way too dumb."

Hayato followed him. "What?"

Kai whispered back, "I wanted to see what his deal was, so I thought I'd do some poking around when this guy came aboard. It's even worse than that, he's just some chump in love with the wrong chick."

Hayato couldn't help but be impressed. "You're a sly bastard."

"I'm the slyest, motherfucker. Now go break those two up before that visit turns conjugal." Kai smirked rather darkly. "I wouldn't want our prisoner to be spoiled before the White Devil digs in, you know?"

Shaking his head, Hayato walked back over to Aina's cell.

"So what is your plan?" She asked Shiro.

"Play along with them. Once you're in the clear, I'll get you into your machine and you can get out of here."

"You really shouldn't do this for me…"

Shiro smiled. "I want to, Aina. I-"

Before he could use this opportunity to add a declaration for affection, Hayato rapped on the door with the grip of his sidearm, startling them. "Hey, your visit's over, Ensign Amada."

Sighing, Shiro got up, and smiled to Aina. "I'll see you later."

Hayato felt kind of bad for this guy, as Aina jumped up and kissed Shiro on the cheek.

"I look forward to it," she said as she let Shiro leave the cell.

A blushing Shiro left the cell block, and found Kai waiting outside, snapping his book closed. "Hey, thank you."

"Don't thank me, Romeo," Kai replied as he pocketed the book.

Shiro frowned. "What's that supposed to mean?"

Kai just smiled. "Oh, nothing. So, she a friend of yours or something?"

"We'd be dead if we weren't there for each other," Shiro replied. "But, yes she's my friend."

"I'm sure the story behind it is cool, bro. Just, a word of advice, you should keep it friendly or it's going to end in tears for you, hot, angry tears."

"What do you mean by that?" Shiro asked.

The PA then crackled to life. "Kai, you do realize I'm in charge of video surveillance on the ship in addition to Communications, right? I saw you take him to the brig."

Kai brushed Sayla's warning off. "Oh what are you going to do about it, have an abortion at me?"

"Just get Amada off the ship, the rest of his team has already left," Sayla said. "And if you make one more crack about my pregnancy, I will rip your dick off and disembowel you with it."

Kai glared up at one of the speakers. "Oh, shut up you harpy!"

"Come make me, pocho!" Sayla snapped back, before the PA clicked off.

"I don't have to, you just did!" Kai glared up at the speaker, before turning to Shiro. "Women, am I right?"

"She and Karen would get along," Shiro said as he quickly headed for the exit.

As soon as he was gone, Amuro emerged from a door and looked to Kai. "Okay, Bright said if you don't come up with a better reason than 'Fuck the Police' for why you disobeyed his orders, I get to beat you with a wrench."

He held one up for emphasis.

Kai smirked. "I wanted to see what their story was, and it just so happens he wants to help her escape back to the Zeon."

Amuro nodded. "Huh, that's actually good enough. Nice initiative, Kai."

"So what do we do about him? I had some ideas involving a knife to the kidney," Kai said.

Amuro was infinitely more lenient. "Nothing so cruel. Don't worry about it; I'll handle it while you're out."

Kai's smirk vanished. "Out?"

Amuro promptly hit him in the stomach with the wrench. "Your nap, for talking shit to Sayla."

He clocked Kai across the face, knocking him out cold.

* * *

Outside the White Base and reunited with his team, Shiro let out a sigh. This was so messed up, but there was really no other way around it. He wasn't going to lose Aina or his team in a battle they could avoid. Avoiding a needlessly bloody battle was well worth the risk of a walk to the gallows.

"I can't believe we got to walk around aboard the White Base," Sanders said with a goofy grin on his face.

Michel was still flushed from his little staring contest. "Oh yeah, it wasn't emotionally scarring at all."

"They're all pretty weird, but it's a good weird, you know? I feel like we can really win the war with them on our side," Karen said with an almost uncharacteristic optimism.

Sanders looked to Shiro. "So where did you go, sir?"

"Probably to try to see his Zeon girlfriend," Karen quipped.

"Oh, I just got some fresh air," Shiro lied while giving a Karen a glare. "I guess I've grown to hate that stale refrigerated stuff just like the Lieutenant Colonel."

Karen, perceptive as she was, noticed that necklace he'd been wearing since he first joined their unit was gone. He totally went to see her.

Before she could call him out on it, Captain Ryer materialized on her peripheral as he called to them. "Ensign Amada."

The 08th Team immediately turned and saluted the Captain, who returned it. "At ease, men, I wish to speak to the Ensign in private."

Shiro blinked in surprise. "Uh, sir?"

Ryer nodded as he turned and headed towards the hangar, where the plane he took from his own base waited. "This way, to my office, I won't keep you for very long."

Shiro nodded and quickly followed. "Right, yes sir!"

Stepping aboard Ryer's private jet a few moments later, Shiro took a seat in the cabin across from Ryer, who immediately poured himself a glass of whiskey and offered him the same. "Drink, son?"

"No, I'm fine," Shiro replied as he sat back.

Ryer nodded and took a sip. "You didn't have much of a stomach for the White Base's antics, did you, Ensign?"

Shiro shook his head. "It did bother me, sir. Who or what are they really?"

"As it stands, information regarding the majority of the crew has been recently sealed at the request of General Revil. Any information we have on them is presumed outdated or fabricated to ensure deniability. No one outside of Revil and chosen others are even to have the faintest clue as to who or what those kids are." Ryer snorted bitterly at that.

Shiro nodded. "This base, we're not prepared for anything as bad as they're saying."

"No, it's not. Our forces are scrambling to get every unit we can here, but the Zeon will be here in a matter of _hours,_ and our options are limited. Regardless of how much we prepare between now and then, a lot of your people are going to die."

"Is there anything we can do, then?" Shiro then asked.

"I do have a plan regarding this, Ensign, however as long as Captain Bright is ignoring my input in the operation, our chances are slim."

"Saying you and Captain Bright don't get along is kind of an understatement, sir." Ryer's behavior up until this point had actually alarmed Shiro somewhat.

Ryer folded his hands at his chin. "Unlike the rest of the crew there is a wealth of information regarding Captain Bright. His conduct has always been subpar, and he's never stood out as a particularly gifted officer. He's always had an issue with authority… and he was never afraid to remind everyone he did."

Shiro frowned. "A maverick, huh?"

"A _goat_," Ryer corrected contemptuously. "A kid with his performance would never graduate the academy, but luck seems to be Captain Bright's strongest trait, such as him lucking his way aboard the White Base. His luck, that ship, and Zeon's general incompetence in regards to dealing with it are the only reasons he and his crew are so alive and carefree."

He gave Shiro a pointed look. "The White Base's aura of invincibility has clouded his already amateur judgement and we're all going to suffer for it. As long as he's committed to this insane plan of letting the Zeon come here for the fight, we're going to get beaten and a lot of good men and women are going to die. You don't want to watch your friends get killed in a meaningless battle, do you?"

Shiro shook his head. "No sir."

"Then I need to relieve Bright from command, and I need people on my side when it comes time to do it."

Shiro tensed, and his mind began to work a thousand miles per hour. If Ryer and Bright got into a power struggle, he could use this as the diversion he needed to get Aina out of here and convince the Zeon to go back to their positions.

"I'll support you, Captain." There was no doubt in his mind that this was a profoundly bad idea, but against the clock and against the odds, Shiro was always an optimist.

Ryer slowly nodded. "Good, when my ship arrives I want you to be ready to act. Get your team on board for this, Ensign. If they protest, tell them it's a direct order from Jaburo."

"Yes, Captain," Shiro quickly replied.

"Very well, you're dismissed Ensign… and we didn't have this conversation."

Shiro saluted. "Understood sir."

With purpose and determination in his stride, Shiro left the hangar Ryer's jet was parked in and marched straight for where their MS were staged. Karen was waiting by her Ground Type when she saw him, and took a deep breath. "Hey sir, what's going on? What did the Captain want to talk to you about?"

"Captain Ryer doesn't agree with Bright's method of handling this situation, that's all," Shiro replied.

Karen frowned. "About that, Captain Ryer… something about that guy isn't right. I can understand being annoyed at their antics, and jealous that they showed us up, but he was going at Bright hard, like he actually hates him."

Shiro agreed, there was no ignoring that vibe. "Yeah, he has it out pretty bad for him, but he's reasonably worried about Bright and Kojima's plan."

"Any reasonable person would find 'lure Kycilia Zabi here to capture her' worrying." Karen smirked some. "But we pilot giant robots, so who the fuck needs reason, right?"

Well, that caught Shiro by surprise. "Wait, you're okay with the crazy plan?"

"It's a huge gamble, but those guys talk like they could make it happen, and a victory like that would really shorten the war." Karen became a little more subdued. "And we would all be able to try to rebuild our lives."

Convincing Karen to support Ryer on this wasn't going to be easy, and Shiro really didn't have the time to convince her. "Karen, I'm going to need your help with something."

"What is it, sir?"

Shiro entered Karen's personal space and put his arm over her shoulders. "Ryer is planning to relieve Captain Bright of his command, and it might get ugly. He wants me to support him, but I'm not doing anything without my team's consent."

The revelation shocked Karen. "Bright's got authority straight from Revil, if Ryer tries to muscle him…"

Shiro nodded. "Yeah, it ends badly."

"So we tell Bright?"

"You go, I need to bring Sanders and Michel up to speed, can you do that for me?"

Karen nodded without question. "Of course, sir."

* * *

At gunpoint, Aina was brought to the interrogation room, and sat down at a table. She glanced back at Hayato, the gunpointer, and gave him a glare. Hayato only gave her a remorseful look in return and shrugged his shoulders before he stepped back and out the door to the office. Still glaring at him as he exited, Aina sighed and turned to face her interrogator sitting across the bolted down table, which had a customary pitcher of lemonade and a few plastic glasses right in the center. There was also, curiously, a green basket-ball sized toy sitting near the edge of the table that occasionally rocked to stay in one place.

"Welcome," Amuro said to her with a wave.

The first thing she noticed about Amuro was that his hands were shackled together, too. "Uh…"

Amuro stared at Aina and then looked down at his hands. "Oh, this? I'm sorry, I've gotten so used to being interrogated with my hands cuffed that I just feel uncomfortable in this situation otherwise."

Aina stared blankly at him. "What."

"Don't worry about it, it's just a thing. So, Aina Sahalin, right? I'm Amuro."

Aina nodded. "The pilot of the Gundam."

"Ah, you remembered. I could've sworn you'd gotten a concussion after that hard landing."

"Well, the Apsalus wasn't designed with smooth landings in mind," she replied.

Amuro nodded. "Yes, it's got Russian engineering written all over it: Inelegant, powerful, and designed to do its job at the expense of the pilot's comfort. Very old school."

Aina raised her eyebrows. "Yes, that's about right. Are you interested in that sort of thing?"

Amuro nodded. "Yes, my Dad's had me inventing and tinkering with things since I was seven. I invented Haro here recently."

Aina looked at Haro. "Is it a robot?"

"Yes, he has its own AI and everything, say hello Haro," Amuro said to his creation.

"Hello Aina, hello Aina," Haro chirped back.

Aina hummed as she stared at Haro. "Pretty basic for an AI, but impressive for a kid's toy."

Haro's yellow flashing eyes then turned red. "I am not a toy; I am an AI-based companion capable of emotion, thought, and reason. The repeating sentences act is all about looking cute, you bimbo."

Aina stared blankly at Haro. "Wait-"

"Haro's very proud of his complexity; he's actually pretty smart–easily the equivalent of a seven year old."

"I can kill a man with my bare hands. I can kill a man with my bare hands."

Aina stared at Haro in disbelief. "Are you sure it's seven?"

"So, back on topic! The Apsalus, who's behind it, you or your brother?" Amuro asked.

At that, Aina drummed her fingers on the table. "My brother, he was the designer of the Apsalus."

Amuro smiled. "Ginias Sahalin, right?"

Aina nodded. "Yes, you seem to know a lot already."

"We have good intelligence," he replied.

On the bridge, Garma watched the interrogation at Sayla's station with Bright, Sayla, and Kojima. Garma shook his head, though he didn't feel as bad as some would suspect about offering up the information Amuro was using.

Kai, who was enjoying popcorn and a soda as he watched the show from Bright's station, laughed. "The funniest part is that she thinks she can string us along like suckers."

Kojima raised an eyebrow and looked to Bright. "Captain?"

"Yeah, we found out Amada wants to get her out of here, so the Zeon back off from attacking," Bright explained.

Kojima let out a sigh and buried his face in his palm. "Damn it, he's always doing this sort of thing."

Bright was surprised, a repeat offender? "Come again?"

"He's the sort that pulls off stunts like this and they always work out in the end, somehow. Somewhat like you." Kojima didn't mind having people so disgustingly optimistic in his ranks; his problem was when that optimism crossed the line into naïveté.

"Too bad his whole plan flies in the face of Kycilia wanting the Trojan Horse as well," Garma pointed out.

Kojima nodded. "Our only option is to convince her to join our side willingly. But can he convince her? Will she break?"

"Like Batman's back over Bane's knee," Sayla replied.

"Good intelligence?" Aina frowned. "How much has Garma told you?"

Amuro poured himself a glass of lemonade. "Oh, volumes. He's been really forthcoming with reliable information from day one. A young socialite like him knows more than just the military goings-on within the Zeon. Like your relationship with Ginias, for one, and how he treats you as an extension of his body, right? His arms and legs, doing what he can't do himself?"

That struck a nerve with her, and she looked away from him, her body tensing. "That… that's right."

"Don't worry, I know that feel," Amuro said.

Aina looked back to him, and then away again. "You can't possibly know what it's like."

"I do," Amuro insisted. "Heck, it could be worse. He could be like my Dad and just think of you as highly functional equipment."

"You're just saying that," Aina retorted.

"It's true. Ever since I was born, he's seen me as little much as a contingency plan to carry on his work, when he wasn't using me to further it." Amuro picked up Haro. "He stole the work I did on Haro to make the Gundam's learning computer, and passed it off as his creation. He didn't even try changing or improving it, the Learning Computer and Haro are basically one and the same."

Amuro was genuinely annoyed by it, too.

Aina turned her eyes back towards Amuro. "Did you really design parts of the Gundam?"

He smiled. "Inadvertently, but my Father did most of the work on the Gundam. Look at the two of us, peas in a pod."

Aina was surprised. As strange as he was, he was a lot like her in some ways. "How do you cope with it?"

"Well, how do you?" Amuro returned.

Aina grew pensive, and frowned. "I just focused on helping Ginias achieve his dream for the Apsalus. When everything goes well, that's when he's manageable, you know?"

"Now we're making progress," Bright said with a smile.

The elevator doors opened, and Karen stepped out, escorted by Frau. "Hey Captain," the latter called, "The Master Chief wants to speak with you, she says it's important."

Karen nodded. "Yes sir, I-"

Bright held up his hand. "Pull up a seat, Master Chief. I don't want to miss the show."

Karen walked over and stared at the monitor. "The interrogation?"

"That's not healthy," Amuro said of Aina's method of coping. "You're just letting him walk all over you."

"Maybe, but he's impossible to deal with otherwise. He gets frustrated, stops taking his medication, and he gets violent." Part of Aina couldn't believe she was admitting this so freely. "He… he doesn't hurt me or anything, he never would. He just gets so… frightening. It's easier to keep him happy, than to try to calm him down when he isn't."

Amuro was, much to his own surprise, alarmed. "Yeah, that's definitely not healthy."

"How do you deal with your father, then?" Aina asked.

"Well, up until recently I did as much as I could to avoid him. We got along better the less time we had to actually interact, if that makes any sense." Amuro drank some more of his glass of lemonade.

"That's no better really," Aina lamented.

"What helped most was that I had people I could go to. Especially after I moved to Side 7 with him and basically couldn't escape him at all. My friends, Hayato and Frau, my girlfriend, hell, even that dick-bandit Kai."

"And fuck you too, cock-portal," Kai said as Karen finally acquired a chair and sat down next to Kojima to watch.

Aina wore a sad smile. "I wish it were that easy for me. There was really only one person I could talk to, and he saw me more as an obligation or a duty, than anything."

"Well, now you have a whole crew of people here to support you." Amuro smiled to her.

Her cheeks flushing, Aina looked away from him. He was trying to get to her, part of her rationalized, but he was being so kind and when she saw his smile she felt… mushy inside, and warm. Were she a little more cynical, she'd be hardly affected by his affectionate presence, but as it was…

"I wish I could just stand up to Ginias and tell him that I'm not just his doll to control," she admitted. "I want to be my own person, and have my own life. I… I don't even really like fighting, to be honest."

Amuro nodded. "I'm definitely a lover over a fighter, myself. But that doesn't change the reality."

Aina looked back to him. "No, it doesn't."

"If you want anything you have to fight for it. Whether it's a figurative or a literal thing, you know?"

"Yes."

"So." Amuro looked her dead in the eyes with a determined glare. "Take what you want."

Aina felt a spike of heat surge in her chest, and she quickly turned away from him with a bright blush on her cheeks. On the bridge, Karen just gaped in surprise.

"She's blushing like a high school girl," the feisty and fighty redhead uttered.

"He's not even trying; what a sad, lonely woman," Sayla noted sympathetically.

Aina fidgeted in her seat, no longer acknowledging the voice in her head telling her something about this was all wrong. When she heard the sound of metal clinking, she looked over and found Amuro had freed himself of his cuffs, and was rubbing his wrists.

"Aina, if you want to get away from your brother and have your life, fight. But you won't be alone." He got up and rounded the table, before reaching down and unlocking her handcuffs. She looked down at her freed wrists, before looking up at his face.

"We're here, and we'll help you," he said softly as he held up a fist. "You won't have to be anyone's doll."

Aina grew wide-eyed, the blush on her face practically a part of her complexion now as she was given that almost dream-like assurance. "You'll really help me? You won't just… throw me into a prison or use me to win the war?"

Amuro nodded. "Not you, but we may have to borrow your ride."

Karen shook her head. "No way is she going to just fold."

"She will," Sayla said with a bit of pride.

Amuro rested a hand atop Aina's head. "I promise, though, that you'll be cut off from your brother. I'll see to it myself if no one else will."

"O-oh…" Aina softly gasped, as she realized she was panting.

Amuro's smile was a gentle one, as he leaned closer to her. "Everything's going to be fine Aina." He rested his forehead against hers. "So what do you say?"

Aina closed her eyes and let out a shaky sigh, as she let herself go and leaped for her freedom. "O-okay."

Amuro smiled, to Aina. It was there that Sayla cut the connection to the interrogation room's camera's and sat back in her chair. She looked over at Karen, who was blushing brightly. "See?"

"Did that really just happen?" Karen asked in disbelief.

"You saw it, you can't unsee it," Bright said as he got up and headed back to his station.

Karen got up from her chair. "I can't believe this whole thing hinged on the skills of a womanizer"

Sayla huffed. "Oh no." When Karen looked at her, she smirked. "He's not a womanizer, he's seduced guys too."

Karen just kind of stood there, unable to find words for the briefest moment.

Kojima folded his arms. "Well, salacious as that was, at least she's on our side."

"At least she's on our side? Buddy, you just witnessed Rahab selling out the Canaanites," Kai quipped.

Bright nodded. "And the slaughter that follows will be twice as bad."

Kojima turned to follow Bright. "What happens now?"

"Well, we get the Apsalus ready, call in our force multipliers, and then dig in for the Zeon wave to break against our rocky shore." This was great, the only thing that could go wrong was-

"Ah, that's right," Karen quickly said, "Captain Bright, Captain Ryer's planning a coup to relieve you from command and take lead in the situation."

Silence fell on the bridge.

Garma broke it. "Oh Christ."

Kojima buried his face in his palm.

"Wow, that's super retarded," Mirai said.

Bright folded his hands on his lap after he sat down. "Oh but of course, the man with the world's cruelest handicap to get into a dick-waving contest with me wants to be me now. Thank you, Master Chief."

"What should I do, Captain?" Karen asked.

"Keep a close eye on him, and on Ensign Amada," Bright ordered.

Karen nodded and saluted Bright. "Yes, Captain."

* * *

The intensified activity at the Kojima Battalion's base and its evacuation of non-essential personnel was worrying Kiki as she watched it from the Hovertruck, which was parked by the hangar of the 08th MS Team. Everyone was hard at work, patching up the Mobile Suits and rolling out every weapon they had on the base, and those who weren't busy working on machines or moving tanks and self-propelled artillery around were being handed-out and instructed in the use of Man-Portable Anti-Tank and Air-Defense weapons.

Kiki didn't need to be a soldier to know that some real shit was about to hit the fan, and that didn't bode well for her village, or any of the civilians in the vicinity. After all, when shit hit the fan, it usually splattered _everywhere._

When she saw Karen storm towards the hangar from the direction of the White Base, she sighed in relief and climbed out of the machine gunner's seat. "Hey, Karen! What the heck is going on?"

Karen was surprised. "Kiki? What are you still doing here? You should be warning your people to get the hell out of Dodge."

Kiki didn't like the sound of that. "What's going on?"

"The Zeon are on the offensive, they're coming here," Karen replied as she walked past her. "Win or lose, this base is going to get wiped off the map when the fight's over."

"Hold up, what?!" Kiki yelled. "What do you mean they're coming here?!"

"From Odessa, they're after that thing." Karen gestured over towards the Apsalus, which was beginning to undergo repairs.

"W-what's going to happen to all of you?!" Though the answer was obvious.

Karen snorted. "We're going to stack a bunch of Zeke corpses, man and Mobile Suit alike, and start a funeral pyre so big it can be seen from space."

Kiki gasped. "If that many Zeon are coming, I'll go tell my Dad. We'll send backup!"

"There won't be enough time for you to get there and for them to get here, the guys on the ship said that the Zeon might be here by sundown. Even if the guerrillas got here they wouldn't matter anyway, it's Kycilia Zabi leading the force. So it'll be almost all Mobile Suits."

A Zabi was coming here, then there was no way the guerrillas were sitting this one out. "I don't care! If the Zeon think they can come marching down here, well they're going to learn what all the other empires learned about land wars in Asia!" She then looked around. "Where's Shiro? I gotta tell him that I'm going to get help!"

"Procuring weapons for the team." Bright's orders reminded Karen. "On second thought, Kiki, how about I do you a favor?"

"What?"

"We can use the base's radio to get a message out to your friends, but in return I need you to do something for me, I want you to keep an eye on Shiro, okay? Follow him everywhere you can."

"I'd do that anyway."

Karen rubbed her temple. "This is important, Kiki. Keep an eye on Shiro and if he tries something stupid, stop him however you can."

Kiki stared at Karen. "Okay, when you say stupid… are we talking something out of character even for him, or just if he does what he normally does?"

"I'm going to leave that up to you, okay? Just try to use your best discretion." Which was asking a lot of a fourteen year old.

"Okay, next question. By 'however you can', does that include using my body?"

Karen hand moved from her temple to cover her face. "Kiki… just… yes. Yes, you can use your body. I don't care if you have to tie him up and ride him like a dime store pony, just keep an eye on him and preferably keep him away from the White Base."

"Deal, let's go!" Kiki said as she grabbed Karen's hand and led her to the base's communications station.

Karen sighed as she was led along.

* * *

High above northern Cambodia, Ryu's Core Fighter soared through the air in formation with several Fly Arrow Fighters, performing a combat air patrol deep into Zeon territory. Sitting back in the cockpit of the tiny fighter, easily half the size of the larger Fly Arrows, Ryu enjoyed himself a bowl of gandules and rice made by Frau. Her's were already better than his, and his girl's back home. Maybe it was a sign, a voice in the back of his head told him, but overwhelming loyalty prevented him from paying that voice any mind.

"Yo, José, there's a huge Minovsky buildup to the northwest of our position," One of the Fly Arrows at his left radioed.

Ryu put away his food, and nodded. "Aight, I'm gonna check it out, you guys get low okay?"

The smaller and much harder to see Core Fighter banked towards the northwest, as the Jungle Camo-painted Fly Arrows dove for the deck. Applying gradual increase in thrust, Ryu nosed up, sending the Core Fighter higher and higher into the afternoon sky and granting him a commanding view of the terrain far below.

As the core fighter shook from the effort of staying airborne, Ryu turned away from the direction of the interference and tilted the Core Fighter over. What he saw immediately made him regret stuffing his face.

"Oh fuck."

Two dozen Gaw transports, flying in tight formation, were circling over what looked over a mining city. And those Gaws were being joined by not only another half dozen, but a Zanzibar-class ship lifting out of an underground facility.

What caught his eye particularly though, was a large, weird-looking aircraft, that was flying with the formation. It looked like a giant blue, four-legged bug, covered with weapons. "Yo, these boys ain't playin'."

As he banked away to warn the Federation of the oncoming storm, Kycilia sat in the commander's seat of the MAX-03 Adzam, stewing in anticipation to get this show on the road. Next to her, M'Quve had reservations about a lot of things. Being inside of an experimental mobile armor that'll stand out in such a mass attack force with an unstable woman who shot him in the leg (luckily it was deflected by the plate installed the last time she shot him in the leg) out of anger was at the top of the list.

"It would not be too hard to reassign the Adzam to other pilots, and perhaps command the battle from the Kerguelen, Lady Kycilia, would it?" He pleaded with her.

"Shut up, we're already in the air and we're not landing again until we reach their base," Kycilia retorted.

"It's not too hard; we can do an air transfer!" M'Quve pleaded.

"I can transfer a bullet to your brain, if you don't shut up." At that, M'Quve relented and focused on maintaining formation.

After a few moments, M'Quve took a deep breath. "My Lady, it is all right if you are afraid for your younger brother, but please maintain your clarity. Being furious as you are will not rescue Prince Garma, it has certainly done Dozle and Char no favors."

Another few moments passed. Kycilia sighed, and removed her helmet, then her mask. "I've been so stressed out since this all started that it's so much more comforting to be perpetually angry at everything that moves. I know this is a risk, M'Quve, but on my mother's grave I'm going to crush the Trojan Horse under my fist and save him."

She glared at him pointedly. "So please, stop badgering me about it and show me some God damned faith!"

M'Quve nodded. "Yes, My Lady."

A transmission came in, revealing Ginias Sahalin aboard the bridge of the Kerguelen. "Lady Kycilia, I see you're taking the Adzam into battle."

"I'm surprised you're even committing yourself to it," Kycilia replied.

"I'm a pilot as well, even if my condition normally forbids it. The Kerguelen's units are ready to deploy. What units are you dispatching?" Ginias asked.

Kycilia narrowed her eyes. "Only the best, Zaku II J-Types, Goufs, six Zogok units from California, and three of the new Zimmand machines."

Ginias nodded. "I'm surprised you don't have Char, Ramba Ral, and your pet wolves along as well."

"Someone needs to protect Odessa. I did, however, bring along the Efreet Custom," Kycilia replied.

Ginias found this both awe-inspiring and frightening. "The only kill is overkill, right?"

"Right," Kycilia replied. "You seem different, Ginias, less fearful."

"I've detoxed myself and I'm off my meds," Ginias replied. "It's taking everything I have to not start killing everyone on the bridge."

The crew on the Kerguelen's bridge grew immediately fearful at that, but said nothing.

Another, urgent transmission ate its way through the Minovsky Interference. The power of the communication burst surprised Kycilia, but it told her exactly who it was as she reached for the console. "I have to take another call, Sahalin."

Ginias nodded, and his image blinked out on the monitor. A split-second later, the image of Dozle Zabi standing in his ornate office appeared on the screen. "Kycilia, you idiot, what are you doing?!"

Kycilia was honestly surprised that Dozle was willing to speak to her directly now. "What I came to Earth to do, Dozle."

"That I am well aware of, but Ramba and Yuri are telling me that you made off with a huge contingent of forces I sent to safeguard Odessa, including the Tri-Stars!"

"I did, I'm taking them to Cambodia to launch an offensive," Kycilia replied.

Dozle's jaw fell. "Cambodia?! What–why are you-?!"

"The Trojan Horse captured the prototype, and moved it to a Federation base in southern Cambodia."

Dozle couldn't believe his ears. "They captured it?!"

"My Lady's reaction was almost as dramatic," M'Quve flatly quipped.

"We are deploying to reclaim or destroy the unit," Kycilia declared. "The Trojan Horse will be there as well, and I will destroy it and reclaim Garma."

Dozle gestured wildly. "Damn it, Kycilia. Can you at least wait a day or two?! You have no idea what's going on down there, or what the enemy's actual strength is!"

Kycilia glared at her older brother. "Waiting is unacceptable; the Trojan Horse could be gone before we even get there. If we wait a day, they'll disappear for sure. It's a prohibitively high risk, but the reward will make up for it when it pans out."

"Kycilia, you're not a gambling woman. My gut is telling me this is a bad idea," Dozle shot back. "Don't go throwing yourself into a fight with an unknown!"

"The odds are always bad if you know what they are," Kycilia retorted. "So do us both a favor and don't tell me mine."

Dozle paused. Much as he was bewildered by it, he had to admit it was nice to see his sister being so aggressive in regards to saving their little brother. "Just… be careful Kycilia."

Kycilia huffed and smirked. "So, finally showing some actual concern for me, Dozle?"

Dozle clenched a fist. "I've buried one brother, and another is a prisoner to our worst enemy. Our mother would spin in her grave if another of her children were lost."

"That's true," Kycilia replied with a nod. "Though she probably would be happier with Gihren gone."

"She regretted him even being born, honestly."

Kycilia laughed. "Who doesn't, at this point?"

Dozle couldn't help but have a laugh as well, and nodded. "Don't waste those Doms I sent you, Kycilia. The Tri-Stars are three of my boys, they'll get whatever job you need done, but they need to do it on their terms."

"Of course, brother," Kycilia said as the image became staticy. "I'll contact you when I'm back at Odessa with our brother… and Bright Noa's head on a silver platter."

* * *

A/N: Even in your Gran Tomino, N! T! R!


	8. Adzam Chek

Disclaimer: This is a non-profit fan-based parody. Mobile Suit Gundam belongs to the 6 AM Time Slot, where we hope it will die a quiet death.

**Mobile Suit Gundam: Gran Tomino**  
Adzam Chek

_55 Pages of Zeon getting its shit __**RUINED**_

**[8.]**

It was late in the afternoon, the sun beginning to sink towards the horizon, as Bright issued his report to General Revil. "The force that the recon flight spotted was Thirty Gaws, another Mobile Armor of some kind, and a Zanzibar. Outposts near the front line have reported that ground forces are building up for a frontal assault but it's pretty disorganized–a last minute scramble."

General Revil let out an impressed whistle. "Kycilia's bringing half of Odessa with her, just about."

"Well over a hundred Mobile Suits. Still, it's not as bad as I thought it would be," Bright reassured him.

"How do you figure?" Revil asked.

"Our defense lines have already been worked out. Every other Federation base in the vicinity has already reported back ready to commit to the battle, and we still have air superiority. Fighters are already heading out to intercept the main air assault." Bright smiled. "Quite frankly, I expected them to come at us with more than half of Odessa."

The smile disappeared just as quickly. "The only problems I foresee are on our side of the fence. A lot of these pilot here don't really grasp the concept of Mobile Suit combat and sling them around like glorified tanks rather than attempting to use them at their full potential."

Revil grimaced. "Well it can't be helped. The glut of MS development and pilot training is being concentrated for when the war moves back into space. It's why any machines we build for combat on the surface are being sent off to the armpit conflicts like the Far East and Australia rather than for Odessa Day. They'd be a waste due to the inexperience of the pilots."

"Wait, what are you going to use at Odessa, then?" Bright asked.

"Our unquestioned air superiority and waves upon waves of tanks. With you sapping their strength, numbers will overpower any technological advantage they have," Revil replied.

"That's a very good point, General. Anyroad, there's other variables on our end that I'm not too sure about."

"The Apsalus and its pilot?"

"Actually, that's the one thing that's gone right. She's been wholly cooperative."

Revil let out another impressed hum. "Really now?"

"Could you believe that she actually wanted out?" Bright replied. "But yes, my only real problem is Captain Ryer."

"If he's too much of a problem, relieve him of his command and promote Kojima to his place. You have mine and Jaburo's express permission, and if Ryer has a problem with it, he can take it up with me, Queensbury Rules."

Bright stared at Revil in muted awe. "Can… can I call you 'Dad'? Because you're a better one than mine actually ever was."

"That's 'General Dad' to you, son."

Bright saluted. "Yes sir, Father sir!" He lowered his hand. "I'll remove Ryer from his post as soon as the Kandahar reaches the base."

The Kandahar was a Big Tray-class land battleship that served as Ryer's main base of operations. At Ryer's reluctance, the ship was ordered to make its way to the Kojima Battalion's headquarters to bolster its defenses. Even now, the massive hovercraft ship was well within sight, mowing a path through the trees that surrounded the base with surprising ease.

"Given the factors, Captain, what would you say are your odds of success here?" Revil asked.

"A solid hundred percent chance of victory, sir," Bright replied. "Given what we're dealing with, you would need to be completely incompetent to screw this up. Luckily, at best these regulars are only halfway."

"That's good to hear. Still, I've pulled some strings and we're in the last moments of launching some assistance your way."

Well, what a wonderful surprise. "From where? We've tapped all we can who can get here in time."

"Well, we're strapping Miss Mackenzie onto a rocket and firing her ballistically to you. Once she's launched, she should be there within half an hour."

Bright tilted his head. "Wait, _that_ Mackenzie?"

"The very same, she's going crazy just sitting around putting GMs through their paces and she's grown quite bloodthirsty. I only ask that you keep her away from Amuro because… well, that head's redder than Johnny Ridden's Zaku."

"Redhead or not, he's had his fill of action on the side, General," Sayla spoke up. "Still, good advice."

"They'll never even see one another in combat, unless a back-to-back badass moment is required, then they pretty much have to," Bright added.

He then looked over towards the approaching Kandahar. "Anyway, the Kandahar is here. I have to tell it where to go, and then tell Ryer to fuck off."

Revil nodded. "Godspeed, Captain Noa. We're all going to be drinking to your honor."

"It better be top-shelf shit, too, sir." The radio broadcast cut off, and Bright looked to Sayla. "Connect me to the Kandahar."

Sayla nodded. "They get signal."

Bright nodded. "Main-screen turn on."

Sure enough, the image of the Big Tray's big and spacious theater-style bridge appeared, showing Captain Ryer standing in front of a large map set in the floor. On his end of the transmission Ryer glowered at Bright's image on his own monitor. "It's you."

"Good evening, gentlemen-" Bright stopped when Mirai, Sayla, Oscar, and Marker all gave him a look. He rolled his eyes. "Fine."

"Is there an update regarding the situation? I've just gotten settled in," Ryer reported.

"Don't get too comfortable," Bright said. "I want the Kandahar to be in position five klicks west, to get a good cover of the flank. The fifth and sixth MS Teams will be at that position."

Ryer nodded. "Understood." He turned to his helmsman. "You heard him, set us down five klicks due west of the base."

As the Kandahar moved, Bright noticed the units riding atop it. "Those two GM Sniper units are to be repositioned, I want them to cover the base itself, since I'm moving the newly arrived third and fourth teams to cover the front of the base."

Ryer grimaced at that. "Those Snipers are the Kandahar's personal guard."

"Irrelevant, long as I'm in command here, they're my personal guard, and I want them personally guarding the base and providing long range fire from the positions I determine along with the Guntank units," Bright replied.

Ryer nodded, and gave the order. "Sniper team is to disembark and set up at the base itself."

"The Seventh and Eighth teams will cover the eastern flank. That's where the Apsalus will be," Bright continued as the camouflage colored GM Ground Type suits disembarked from the turning land battleship. "The MS Teams except for the Gundam Team will be coordinated by the Kandahar, with the White Base acting as backup in the event that the Kandahar is unable to function in that capacity."

His squinty eyes opening slightly, Ryer nodded. This was good for him. "Understood. The Kandahar is ideally suited for the task."

Bright sat back in his chair. "Good, now that that's out of the way. I have one more order for you."

Ryer grimaced, God how much he abhorred taking orders from this snot-nosed… "Your orders?"

"Captain Ethan Ryer, you are to be immediately relieved of your command and report to the Battalion HQ. Lieutenant Colonel Kojima will be taking command of the Kandahar, and a field promotion to the rank of Colonel."

Ryer's squinty eyes shot wide, as the mustachioed man recoiled in shock. "What? You're stripping me of my command?!"

"Given the urgency of this operation, Captain Ryer, personal conflict will only interfere with the cohesiveness of our joint forces."

"Personal conflict-?!"

Bright cut him off. "To avoid any interference in our units' cohesiveness, I have elected to relieve you of your command and place a more capable officer in your place. If you have a problem, you have two options. You can take it up with General Revil, or you can consume your own penis."

Ryer gaped at Bright.

Bright shrugged his shoulders. "Either's fine with me."

Ryer shocked expression became one of tightly focused anger. "Captain Bright, conduct unbecoming of an officer is still a court martial worthy offense. I suggest you reconsider how you treat your fellow officers in the future."

"I can say the same for you, Captain Ryer. Recognize and respect that this isn't your war anymore, and if you're not off that ship by the time Colonel Kojima arrives, the security team I sent with him will remove you from it," Bright replied. "That is all."

Before Ryer could say another word, the connection cut off, and Bright leaned back in his seat.

Mirai looked back at him. "Okay, what's your history."

Bright adjusted his collar. "Was it obvious by now?"

"Well, it's obvious you two have something personal going on," Mirai replied. Sayla nodded in agreement.

"Before the war, Ryer was an instructor at the Naval Academy at Annapolis. He and I didn't get along, especially after Captain Cassius took me under his wing."

Mirai leaned against the back of her seat, facing Bright. "Why? What did you do?"

"Nothing, really. Ryer's one of those guys who sees people as resources that can be easily thrown away or replaced. Therefore, when you have guys who are struggling at the Academy, he and guys like him get this mindset that the dead-lasts and the stragglers and anyone like them are good for pretty much nothing but dying at his command," Bright replied.

"Oh." Mirai then hummed. "So you were a goat."

"Yep. Captain Cassius took me in right as I was on the verge of dropping out of the Academy. Ryer, the smug snake, didn't take it too well that one of the best captains in the Federation Navy decided to take his favorite punching bag in and now that I'm sitting in Cassius's seat, he can't stand it."

"Of all the luck. You must be really savoring this," Sayla said.

Bright let out a sigh and smiled. "You have no fucking idea. The only thing that could make this even better, is if he gave me an excuse to really put the screws to him."

Just his luck, Ryer was going to give him every excuse in the world.

**[Eye Catch]**

For the first time since they had captured the Apsalus, Terry Sanders Jr. was nervous. The information coming down the pipe from the White Base regarding the size of the enemy force was shaking the morale of all the soldiers. If what was believed was true, then the Zeon were bringing over a hundred Mobile Suits to this party, including machines that none of them had ever seen before.

They had less than half that number, and many of the other pilots had never really gotten into actual Mobile Suit Combat. Well, nothing more direct than mid-range shooting contests. They were being thrust into head on combat with experienced Zeon soldiers, straight out of their most well-guarded stronghold. Earlier, back in the mess hall for what he hoped wasn't his last meal, he overheard members of the Seventh Team talking about turning tail and running.

Honestly, he couldn't blame them. "Damn, maybe we're way too in over our heads, fighting a battle like this."

"The alternative sucks." He looked over to Karen, who was waiting, like him, at the feet of their Gundams for their CO.

Sanders nodded. "Surrender, right?"

"Well, if you'd rather bite down on the barrel of your sidearm and pray you loaded it, there's that too," Karen replied.

"I guess gallows humor is all we've got." Sanders looked around. "You seen Michel?"

"No, he probably snuck in with the non-essentials and bitched out."

"Well, it's not like he'd contribute at all," Sanders lamented.

"Hey! I didn't leave!" Karen and Sanders looked to find Michel standing by the hangar's doorway. "Well, I did leave, but I had to. This asshole heard about what was going down and called me to get him!"

A hand reached from beyond the doorway, and slapped Michel hard upside his head. Stepping from behind it, a young man with long blonde hair and a style better suited for the stage than on the battlefield emerged.

Karen couldn't believe it. "Eledore? What the hell are you doing here?!"

Eledore Massis let out a sigh as he caught Michel in a headlock. "Are you kidding? When Michel told me what was about to go down, I had to be here to be a part of it. Even if all I can do is man an autocannon or fire off a rocket launcher."

"The Hover Truck's already been converted to fire wire-guided missiles," Michel said. "So, we've got some anti-MS capability. We're both going to be fighting too."

Sanders folded his arms and laughed. "I guess we ride together, we die together, huh?"

Karen shook her head. "Bad Boys for Life."

Eledore looked around. "The gang's all here, except for our Fearless Rookie, where is he?"

"I haven't seen him," Sanders said.

Karen rolled her eyes, and honestly hoped he wasn't where she thought he was.

Fearless rookie leader was totally where she thought he was, hanging around where the Apsalus was sitting on the base's tarmac, bearing broad white stripes on its "shoulders" and new Federation markings quickly and crudely placed over Zeon insignia. He was watching Aina, who was personally overseeing work being completed on the Apsalus without any actual security watching her.

Shiro was relieved to see that Aina had played her part, but was a little concerned that she was not wearing a normal suit, instead she was wearing her sweats and t-shirt from before, plus a lab coat–which was not exactly pilot suit material, much less escape back to the safety of her homeland material.

He let out a frustrated sigh. "Too many guards around, we'd never make it."

"Never make what?"

Jumping, Shiro whirled around to see Kiki staring up at him. "What are you still doing here?"

"John-117 back there told me to keep an eye on you," Kiki explained.

Shiro stared. "Who?"

"The Master Chief."

Shiro rolled his eyes. "Right, whatever."

"So what are you trying to make?" Kiki asked before she saw Aina. "Oh, who's that?"

"She's a friend of mine."

"Friend, huh? She looks pretty Zeon from here, what with her directing people in repairing that monster."

Shiro cringed. "She's the reason the Zeon are coming here, they want to rescue her and take back the Mobile Armor."

Kiki realized what Karen meant by Shiro doing anything stupid. "Shiro, you're hot and all, but you're not the brightest bulb in the knife drawer."

Oh great, she figured him out. "Look, if the Zeon come here-"

"We'll kill them all, and _it will be amazing_," Kiki finished for him. "Besides, do you really think they'll just leave after they've got their monster back?"

"Not all the Zeon are bad people, if they see that we're decent, they might show some decency themselves," Shiro argued.

"For whatever reason, I can't imagine that working out like you hope."

"Can't you have some faith in people, Kiki?" Shiro asked.

"I don't know, that kind of got wasted after the Zeon overran my home town. You remember that, right? The town you helped liberate?" Kiki asked. "Besides, there's a Zabi coming. I think she might just be happier killing us all for the strategic advantage she'd get in the war."

Shiro honestly considered that outcome, but so far his gambles and luck had not let him down yet. "Kiki, at least understand why I have to try then. I'd rather avoid another huge battle where people get needlessly killed."

The low howl of the Apsalus II's Minovsky Craft System starting up alerted Shiro, and he turned back to find no sign of Aina. "She's started it up already, it's time."

"Time for what?" Kiki asked.

Shiro was quiet for a moment, before he looked to Kiki with a sad smile. "I'm sorry, Kiki… but I have to go."

Turning around, Shiro prepared to head over towards the Apsalus II to perform his daring flight with Aina to her freedom–only to be knocked out cold by a pistol whipping to the back of the head.

Kiki holstered the weapon and grabbed Shiro by his feet to drag him away. "I certainly hope our kids get my brains and your looks, Shiro."

* * *

"Man, I don't feel right being here," Ryu complained from the lower cockpit of the Guntank, as it sat in the jungle underneath some camouflage nets. "I belong in the sky, you know? A leaf on the wind."

Hayato was finishing his final checks. "I wish I could just fly away sometimes."

"Okay, Hayato I can get, but since when did you become such a complainer, Gigantor?" Kai asked as the Guncannon waited outside the nets.

"It's not like that, I just like to fly, that's all," Ryu defended.

Amuro let out a small laugh, the Gundam waiting alongside the Guncannon. "Ryu's worried about Frau, too."

Kai glanced towards Amuro's window on his Guncannon's monitor. "Oh yeah?" He looked ahead towards the one showing Ryu. "Hey, what's going on with you two anyway? You fuckin' yet?"

"Man, shut up, I got a girl at home," Ryu snapped back.

"That doesn't stop the White Devil over here," Kai said with a laugh.

"Didn't he tell you to shut up?" Amuro asked.

Ryu just rolled his eyes. "Besides, unlike the rest of you horny motherfuckers, I am capable of having a relationship with a woman that don't involve sex or romantic tension."

"Hey now it's not just you, Kai does it all the time," Amuro pointed out.

Ryu and Hayato burst into laughter.

Kai brandished his beam rifle towards the Guntank. "It's as simple as squeezing the trigger you fucks."

"You would be dead before the impulse reaches the muscles in your trigger finger," Frau warned over sound only.

Kai actually felt a chill right there, like something raked a cold, clammy hand over his soul.

"Hey Kai," Sayla radioed, "You need some burn ointment?"

"I'll trade you for a coat hanger," Kai replied.

"When this is done, I'm beating you with the wrench again," Amuro promised.

"Knock it off kids, or you're all getting slapped," Bright ordered as the White Base reached its position ahead of the base. As he turned his attention away from the bickering pilots, he looked at the main screen, showing a radar picture of the area ahead of the ship. Much of the screen was giving poor returns due to Minovsky Interference, but they could still see the markers of over almost fifty aircraft, the majority of them Fly Arrow fighters flying escort to some newer FFB-7-Bst Jet Core Booster II fighters.

High above the battle and the minovsky interference, a saucer-shaped aircraft appropriately named the Dish provided what little information it could despite the particle interference.

"Interceptors are approaching the enemy force. Contact will be made in three minutes, thirty seconds," the command and control operator aboard the Dish radioed to the Federation positions.

On the ground at the 08th MS Team's position, Eledore sat at his station listening to sonar readings through the ground. Despite having no talent for Mobile Suit combat, Eledore had the ears of a bat, or Daredevil. Whatever the case, his hearing was so sensitive and precise, that he could filter out the wide array of noises coming from the ground. In no time he identified and filtered out the loudest noises, the White Base overhead, the Kandahar a number of kilometers away, various Mobile Suits and vehicles roaming the perimeter, until he found the sound he was looking for.

"I can hear them, thirty klicks out. They're to the north and east of here, heading south and southwest." He closed his eyes and focused on the distant thuds he heard. "Ten, no, twelve Zakus. I'm sending coordinates now, but without visual confirmation it's just a rough guess."

"Acknowledged." Bright contacted the Kandahar. "Can you hit that?"

Two of the Kandahar's three-barreled secondary turrets, mounted on the port and starboard side of the giant hovercraft battleship and packing twenty-two inch cannons, swiveled into position as the firing data was given. Aboard the bridge, Kojima smirked to Bright. "Can you?"

The White Base's own two twenty-two inchers pointed towards the same position, as Bright folded his hands. "Let's find out."

The Kandahar fired first, the six cannons roaring as they hurled shells far and out over the horizon. Several moments later, the White Base's guns bellowed, the sound annoying Eledore even as he held his headphones from his ears.

About thirty kilometers away, twelve Zakus quietly crept towards the combat zone. One of them, a slightly more dated MS-05S Zaku I Commander's Type that looked like it'd seen too many battles hung at the back of the group. It's pilot was a young woman named Topp, a former up and coming fashion model who quickly joined the Zeon military to get her through college.

Well, it turned out that she had a talent for MS piloting in addition to modeling, and following the start of the One Year War (which she had reservations not voiced out of fear of being discharged from the military out of the nearest airlock) and the invasion of Earth, she found herself in command of a small MS Team in Southeast Asia.

It wasn't a bad gig, even after the Federation started sending out Mobile Suits (she had successfully downed four!), but the new guy of her unit was getting on her nerves.

"Hey, Topp."

Hearing the voice of her wingman, a father of one named who had retirony written all over him, Topp looked towards his slightly damaged Zaku II. "What's up Dell?"

Inside his MS, Dell was looking between Topp's machine and the machine of their newest member, a disturbed young man named Arth."I think the new guy is a psychopath."

Well, it wasn't just her at least. "He's not a psychopath, he's a moron."

The goggle-wearing Dell lifted the Zeon uniform cap he wore to wipe the sweat from his brow. "What makes you say that?"

"Well, if he was a psychopath, he'd be our commanding officer," Topp replied.

Dell raised an eyebrow. "I'd be careful about that kind of talk."

"Let me have this, we're about to go fight the Trojan Horse and I'm having some serious reservations and regrets about my life choices," Topp replied.

Dell grumbled. "You too?"

"Hey, what are you lovebirds going on about?" Arth, a young man who may have been a long-lost distant relative of Kai Shiden in personality and looks (though definitely not intellect), teased.

"Nothing," Topp growled back.

"Oh come on, you don't sound excited about this at all." Arth chuckled. "I'm hoping to become an ace today."

Topp rolled her eyes. "You haven't even gotten a single kill Arth, and no guerrillas on foot don't count."

"Well that's going to change. Tonight, I'm going to become an Ace! I bet I'll even take down the Gundam!" Which, by the way, had prompted most regular Zeon units to be given a "Flee on sight" order by this point in the war.

Topp looked to Dell. "See? Stupid, not crazy."

"The newbie can dream of being an ace all he wants, I want to just survive so I can go home to see my son," Dell replied.

Topp grew aghast. "H-hey! Dell, don't say that! You know what happens to guys who talk about that kind of stuff just before a battle!"

Everything went nice and explodey then, as the Kandahar's salvo smashed into the front of the twelve-unit Zaku group. Four of the Zakus were immediately destroyed by the barrage, and every unit sans the Topp Team units were damaged. Seconds later, there was an explosion overhead, before Super Napalm rained down and set every unit on fire, again, except for the Topp Team.

"Ahh! The fire's burning through my armor!" a soldier screamed.

"Help me! Oh God help me! No!" another screamed as the fire devoured the Zaku from the outside in.

The three remaining Zakus stared at the holocaust before them, before Topp looked into the sky towards the direction the shells came from. She then looked towards Dell. "So, tell me more about your son?"

"Oh my God, shouldn't we be taking cover?" Arth asked.

Topp snapped at Arth, "If they hit us from that far away, then they're tracking us by sonar. Stand perfectly still, hopefully they'll think they got all of us."

Back on the Federation side of things Eledore listened carefully. "Nothing but the sound of ammo cooking off and flesh sizzling! Good shooting guys!"

"Good ears, Massis," Bright congratulated in turn. "Now then, what's the status of our interceptors?"

The operator aboard the Dish answered, "Interceptors are engaging."

On the radar screen, sure enough the many blue dots representing Federation dots were extremely close to the red dots representing the Gaws and other assorted Zeon Aircraft. Immediately, several of the red dots turned into Xs, signifying their destruction.

Aboard the Kandahar, Kojima sighed in relief as the bridge crew broke into cheers at the site of another two dots turn to Xs. "Any that we take down there are units that don't end up here."

"Five Gaw carriers destroyed," the operator reported. "Wait, what the-?!"

Suddenly, the many blue dots of the Federation attack force began to turn into Xs. Bright sat up in his seat. "Okay, what? Hey, what's going on up there?"

* * *

In the twilight over Cambodia, a Fly Arrow let loose an air to air missile that curved through the sky, before slamming into and destroying a Dopp fighter pursuing a Jet Core Booster. The same Fly-Arrow accelerated, narrowly avoiding a burst of fire from another Dopp, which was shot down with two others by missiles from two other Fly Arrows. The sky around them, and around the Gaw attack carriers and Kerguelen was a chaotic storm of metal, missiles, and the occasional beam as two massive air forces battled for supremacy.

As yet another Dopp exploded and went crashing into a Gaw's cockpit, Kycilia found herself a little frustrated. "M'Quve, there is something wrong with our fighter jets."

"Admittedly, my lady, the Dopp has always had problems," M'Quve lamented. "However, the problem here is that the Federation pilots are clearly better skilled at conventional aerial warfare than our own. Personally, I blame a lack of fighter training, and the Dopp's… how do you say… poor performance in all areas of air-to-air combat."

Kycilia rubbed the bridge of her nose. "This is ridiculous. At this rate we'll be slaughtered before we get within sight of the base."

A pair of bright pink beams from a Jet Core Booster highlighted Kycilia's concerns, the shot lancing through the wing of another Gaw and damaging its engines. Ginias contacted the Adzam. "I can deploy my Flight Types to deal with them."

Kycilia took the controls of the Adzam and moved the Mobile Armor forward, taking it out of the heart of the force and above it. "No, that won't be necessary."

As the Adzam ascended, it began to rotate slowly, as the eight mega particle cannon turrets swiveled and began tracking targets. Spotting the Mobile Armor, several Jet Core Boosters immediately broke through the Dopp screen and quickly lined up to attack from above. Before their pilots could squeeze the triggers, beams of accelerated particles slashed through the planes leaving molten slag wherever they touched. A split second later, all three planes exploded.

Kycilia looked around the monitors that ringed the cockpit, and showed the area above and below her as target reticles appeared over more of the pesky Federation Fighters. Next to her, M'Quve just stared as Kycilia managed the weapons on her own, each of the eight turrets arranged in fours atop and under the mobile armor sending beams lancing over or through the attacking Federation fighters. Within seconds, she had made herself an ace three times over.

"M-mon dieu…" M'Quve sputtered.

"Yes, yes, M'Quve, stare in awe at my prowess. Or, you could order our forces to regroup and continue on to the drop zone, whichever you feel like doing," Kycilia said as she fired off another burst from the Adzam's weapons and driving off the enemy fighters.

M'Quve nodded quickly. "A-a-all forces, this is Colonel M'Quve! We will secure the airspace! Continue on to the drop zone as planned!"

Bright hummed as the report came in: the Zeon had repulsed the fighters after they managed to down only seven Gaws and damage a couple more. "That's about as much as we could've hoped for."

"All the same, our units are reporting that they're in position," Kojima reported.

Bright looked back to the second in command's chair. Taking Garma's place in it was Aina, wearing a spare Federation uniform. "Are you sure you're okay with this? You can go chill below with Garma if you don't want to bear witness to the ass-kicking."

She looked back up at Bright. "Yes, I am. It's just not very easy for me to stomach, they're my former countrymen, and my brother…"

But at the same time, Aina felt a weight lifted from her. She was no longer burdened by her brother or his obsession. She was free to be her own woman, with her own life, and her own dreams. "I have no regrets, Captain Noa."

"Good." He got up and cleared his throat. "Well, time to get these guys fired up. Sayla, open a channel to everyone. Priority one."

Sayla nodded, and immediately opened a connection to every Federation unit on the field. Aboard the Kandahar and every unit equipped with video communications, Bright's image standing in front of his chair appeared. At the Battalion Headquarters, Ryer frowned as he looked up at the image of Bright, who adjusted the collar of his uniform and cleared his throat.

"Hey, check it out, it's the Trojan Horse guy," one of the Seventh Team cowards, a RGM-79[G] GM Ground Type pilot named Mike, said to his wingman, a woman named Sally.

"Sheesh, he's the guy who cooked up this crazy scheme?" Sally, whom if she ever met Topp would accuse her of ripping off her style, groused. "He's what, sixteen?"

"Man Michel, where'd you go wrong? That kid's already a Captain" Eledore joked to Michel, who punched him in the shoulder. "Ow."

Thirty kilometers to the north, the still immobile members of the Topp Team were surprised to find they were receiving the transmission too.

Bright stared at the map showing the assembled forces of the Federation, and the steadily approaching Zeon armada, and then spoke.

"Everyone, it has been often said that I hate the Zeon. My fellow soldiers, I really hate the Zeon." Bright then lowered his head, shaking it as he let out a chuckle. "You know what? Fuck the Zeon."

Aboard the Kandahar, Colonel Kojima smirked a bit, as Bright held up a hand and began counting off. "Fuck 'em, fuck their Zakus, fuck their Dopps, fuck their Mobile Armors, fuck their Musais, their weird hover-bike thingies, and those things they laughingly call tanks."

Bright lowered his hands. "Fuck the Zeon up in space, on the moon, in North America, in Europe, Africa, Australia, here in Asia, in the air, under the sea, and of course fuck every Zeon we've buried, crushed, vaporized, and otherwise murdered. Fuck them, their mothers, and their couches."

He pointed ahead to the White Base's main turret. "I love blasting them to pieces with the White Base's main guns, the twenty two inch shells striking their pathetic Mobile Suits at hypersonic velocity."

At the CIC station, Katz, Letz, and Kikka looked up from their stations, smiling at Bright whilst a concerned Icelina watched from her own station. "I pump my fist in celebration whenever the Gundam pierces a Zaku's reactor, and walks away from the explosion without looking back! There is nothing more incredible, than watching a pilot on her first sortie take down a Zeon Ace in nothing but a Guntank in melee combat."

Mirai looked back at Bright, a blush across her cheeks. She was going to fuck him so hard. "The sounds of pilots screaming, as Super Napalm eats through the Superhard Steel protecting them like it was paper, is music to my ears.

"Like the screams of Zeon soldiers, fleeing in terror from the shadow of the White Base as it slowly approaches their base with its fangs out, and its Mobile Suits marching across the hot sands below." Bright chuckled. "It makes me laugh so hard when a Zeon commander pleads to me about honor and humanity, when he was a veteran of the One Week Battle."

Bright gestured back to Aina. "It brings me such relief, when defectors see for themselves just how horrible the Zeon really are. It brings me even more joy, to see Federation Prisoners of War take the most brutal revenge against their Zeon captors, for caging them in the sun like animals, starving them, and working them like slaves until they dropped from exhaustion!

"When their so-called wonder weapons are taken away from them, and their best soldiers are left screaming in impotent rage…" Bright sighed wistfully. "… The spite is orgasmic."

In the cockpit of the Gundam, Amuro nodded in agreement while wearing a bestial grin. "Preach it, Cap'n."

"I love it, when Federation Bombers level their ill-gotten gains with impunity. Watching them snatch defeat from the jaws of victory is cause for a toast!"

Hayato was actually a little bit scared. Ryu and Kai, however, shared Amuro's murderous smile.

"Zeon's Propaganda Machine, forced to make up lie after lie as our victories mount? It's absolutely hilarious. Knowing how humiliating it must be to the Zabi family for us to lord our absolute superiority over their best efforts? It helps me sleep soundly every night."

Bright let out a happy sigh, and then looked at the camera before him and into the heart of every soldier watching and listening. "My fellow soldiers, all I want for you is to share my hatred of the Zeon. To hate the sons of bitches who gassed our colonies, invaded our homes, killed our loved ones, and made the sky itself fall upon our heads!"

Bright held out his hand. "Do you hate them? Do you hate these pathetic bastards who boast about their 'war for independence', but can't hide the stink of murder from their hands? Do you want to show them no mercy, no quarter, no respect whatsoever when you meet them on the battlefield? Do you want to fuck the Zeon, with tanks, planes, mobile suits, guns, knives and fists… until they run screaming from the Earth, blood, tears, and fear pouring from every wound we tear into their bodies?!"

There was an odd, somewhat peaceful silence broken by the ambience of the White Base's bridge.

"Fuck Zeon," a woman's voice replied over the radio. In the cockpit of her GM Ground Type, Sally was grinning. "Fuck Zeon!"

"Fuck Zeon!" Mike called from his Ground Type, joined by a chorus of other MS pilots.

At the base itself, soldiers dug in for the coming storm were standing up, raising their weapons to the air, as they joined the chant. "FUCK ZEON! FUCK ZEON! FUCK ZEON!"

The chanting erupted like wildfire. Aboard the Kandahar, the entire crew was cheering as Colonel Kojima said it in a much more subdued tone. Out in the jungle, guerillas from Kiki's village held up radios and Anti-Tank weapons to the darkening sky, as they too joined in.

Within the cockpit of her machine, Frau quietly chanted as well, her entire body shaking in anticipation.

"FUCK ZEON!" Karen yelled.

"FUCK ZEON!" Sanders wasn't sitting this one out either. None of the 08th MS Team were, except for Shiro of course, who was curiously absent.

"Very well, we shall fuck the Zeon!" Bright declared. "But after the shit we've all had to put up with, not just any sandpaper condom pounding with no lube will do. We need a hard fucking, a hatefuck so epic that the Earth itself will tremble and split, that scholars centuries from now will recall it with clarity as if it happened the day before.

"My comrades, my Federation soldiers…" Bright clenched his hand into a fist. "… I want you to unfurl that hate, hold in your hearts an image of innocent people who did no more than exist in the same space as the Zeon before they were violently murdered by the fistful. I want you to remember the shattered colonies that litter the Earth Sphere like garbage, of the women and children who died choking on their own blood, and of the helpless who could only watch as millions of tons of burning steel and glass hurtled towards them from the stars! I want you to keep that image in mind, as you remember what it is you fight for and against. The Zeon are a malignant cancer, a virulent strain of sheer bastardry and we? We are the cure!"

As Bright lowered his hand, Oscar called to him, "Hey, riveting speech, but they're here."

Bright looked out the windows, and sure enough there were the approaching lights of Gaws against the night sky. He nodded. "Then let's unleash our hate!"

* * *

The Topp Team, having heard Bright Noa's speech, was in crisis.

Topp was calmly undoing her straps. "Nope." One buckle came undone. With cold precision and focus she went to the next. "Nope." That one undid itself from the main buckle, only a few more to go, and she could go run screaming into the jungle. "Nope."

Dell was equally alarmed, but far less calm about it. "I'm never going to see my son again. Oh Christ, why did I join the fucking military? Fuck, I should've gone to the Moon like my wife begged me!"

Arth looked between the two of them. As he was an idiot who believed in the sweet lies Gihren told him, he wasn't about to be spooked by a profanity-laden speech from some kid–even if this kid's name was spoken as a vile curse by Gihren himself. "You guys are actually scared because of one little speech? Come on, we can still win!"

Topp stopped unbuckling herself, and pointed at the intense fire still burning in front of them. "See that fire right there? That used to be nine Zakus. Nine. Zakus. We can't even see the Trojan Horse yet, and it killed them without giving a SINGLE fuck about Minovsky Physics."

Arth responded by pointing his Zaku's machine gun at her Zaku I. "So, you're going to desert in the face of the enemy? Lord Gihren hates you guys worse than these shit for brain Earthnoids."

Topp stared at Arth. "Then Lord Gihren can get his sweet-talking ass down here and fight them himself, you wet behind the ears idiot!"

A dull roar preceded the arrival of Gaws overhead, their doors open and dropping Mobile Suits into the jungle below. Arth looked up and smiled. "He doesn't have to, real soldiers are here to fight for him, and I'm off to join them."

Rather than shoot them, Arth got a good idea in his head for once, and turned away. "I'm not even going to waste the ammo on you, these bullets are for the Gundam. Later, cowards."

As Arth's Zaku departed, Dell sighed. "So, what do we do now?"

For Topp, the answer was obvious. "Noa said that he doesn't mind people smart enough to defect, didn't he?"

* * *

In the 08th MS Team's barracks, laid out on his bunk, a still very unconscious Shiro Amada winced when the guns of the White Base and Kandahar roared again. He was in the middle of a nightmare filled with imagery so graphically horrific, that when he woke up he awoke screaming. His screams of course startled Kiki, who wound up falling out of Shiro's bunk as a result.

"AHH! THE ZEON! THE ZEON!" Shiro yelled as he tried to lunge for a sidearm and start shooting at the purple and green-painted Zaku I that haunted his dreams, only to be inhibited by the ropes tying his wrists to the headboard. "… Wait, what the hell?!"

"Jesus Christ, Shiro!" Kiki yelled as she stood up.

Shiro looked at the ropes binding him to the bed, down at himself, and then at Kiki, and sighed in relief to see that everyone was still fully clothed. "Oh God yes, you didn't rape me."

"I wasn't going to!" But now that he put the idea into her head, it just wasn't going to leave.

"Wait, why did you knock me out and tie me to the bed?!" Shiro yelled.

"Karen told me to stop you if you tried anything stupid; at first I was gonna be all 'Yeah, I'll seduce him into not doing anything stupid' but then I thought 'yeah, that could backfire', so I decided to knock you out and tie you to your bed," Kiki proudly explained.

"I wasn't going to do anything-" Shiro stopped and gave himself a moment to think about it before Kiki even advised him to do it. "Okay, I'll admit it was pretty damn stupid."

"The stupidest," Kiki agreed.

Shiro nodded. "But that window's closed and now I've got to get out there, Kiki!"

Kiki frowned. "Do you promise you're not going to do anything dumb?"

"The dumbest thing I can do now is fight to the death against the Zeon." Shiro began to struggle against his bonds. "Hurry up and untie me!"

Kiki pulled a single loose end on the rope and Shiro was free. "Okay, let's go."

Shiro got up and bolted for the door. Despite his admittance of stupidity, he still had a chance. All he had to do was get to Aina and cover her escape. If Kiki knew what he was thinking at that moment, she'd have clubbed him again, and broken his legs for good measure.

* * *

Thrusters firing, Zaku II J-Types from the first wave of the Odessa Force landed hard amidst the gun and beam fire from the Federation defense line. Lifting up their machine guns, Magella Cannnons, and bazookas, they returned fire through and over the trees, shells and rockets exploding against the White Base and obscuring it in smoke. From the thick cloud, the beams of its Mega Particle Cannons erupted and swept in outward arcs along its flanks, leaving trails of explosions behind where the beams touched.

"The Gaws are setting up for a bombing run of the base now that they've dropped their MS," Marker reported.

Bright nodded and issued an order to the base, "Guntank teams, Sniper Teams, go crazy."

From behind the White Base, the 120mm cannons of the RX-75 Guntank Mass Production Types swiveled upward and began unleashing a near continuous barrage of Anti-Air Fire along with more conventional pieces of flak. Further back behind them, as explosions began to occur on and around the Gaws, the two Ground Type GM Sniper units took aim with externally powered Beam Sniper Rifles and unleashed hell, placing precision shots into the cockpits and through the engines of the oncoming Gaws, that weren't being shredded by the Anti-Air Artillery.

As a Gaw smashed into the ground in flames, one of three Zaku IIs marching through the jungle fired into the trees, its mono-eye swiveling as it tracked the large shadows moving in it. A beam rifle shot from the Guncannon ended it quickly. As the Zaku's two wingmen followed the source of the beam, one of the Guncannon's shells blew off the head of the second Zaku, before the Guncannon's thrown knife pierced the cockpit of the third.

Walking up to the downed Zaku, Kai pulled the Guncannon's knife out of its chest and flipped it around as he looked around the dense jungle. "Any other contacts?"

In the Hover Truck, Eledore listened carefully as he turned various dials to filter out the racket going on. "There's a Zaku almost on top of you, dead ahead."

Kai aimed forward and fired, the beam rifle shot lancing through a Zaku that had attempted to rush him from head on. Boosting back, Kai shielded his eyes as the Zaku exploded powerfully. "Whoops, reactor breach."

"Hey man, be careful with that!" Eledore warned.

"Sorry!" Kai snapped back.

"Sheesh, just remember that we don't need this becoming a blasted wasteland." Eledore then noticed a sound approaching the Guncannon. "Three o'clock!"

Kai turned and, leveled the guns onto Arth's leaping, heat hawk-brandishing Zaku. Inside the cockpit, Arth's triumphant smile was sliding into dawning horror that didn't get to completely manifest before a 240mm round blew a hole through the Zaku's cockpit and out its back.

"Nice shot!" Eledore congratulated as the Zaku crumpled to the ground.

"The nicest." Kai replied as he moved onto the next target.

175mm shells from a Zaku's Magella cannons struck the eastern flank of the defense line, where Karen and Sanders responded with a beam rifle and a 180mm Cannon respectively. In the dense trees where nothing but tracers and the occasional fire-cast silhouette could be seen, Karen grinned as one of Sanders's rounds found their mark, bringing down a Zaku.

"Hell yeah," Sanders shouted.

"If we can keep this up, we might have a chance!" she declared as another shell crashed to the ground near her position.

Behind them, the Hover Truck was rocked by a near-miss. "Karen, please do not tempt fate!" Michel pleaded.

"You know, you can bitch less and use the AT-Missiles more!" Eledore shouted. "I'm trying to concentrate here!"

"Fine, but the Minovsky count keeps going up, how am I supposed to hit anything?!"

Eledore responded with a long, pointed stare, before pointing at his headphones.

A minute later, a wire and Eledore's ears-guided Anti-Tank Missile dove straight down on a Zaku, blowing off its head and framing it perfectly for Karen to put a beam rifle shot through.

"Wow, that actually worked!" Michel gasped.

"Shut up and do it again, then!" Karen yelled.

Over on the western flank of the line, the Kandahar was reminding the Zeon units approaching it why no one messed with a Big Tray Class, its main guns creating a no man's land that kept the Zeon units funneled towards the deadly reach of the White Base.

Aboard the bridge, Kojima did not like how smoothly it was going. "These are Odessa's best? No, this is just the first wave, to get us moving around a lot. What do you have waiting for us, Kycilia?"

"Colonel!" One of the Kandahar's Sonar operator's reported. "The Sonar's picking up something strange, they sound like hoverjets, but they're moving way too fast to be trucks."

"How many?" Kojima asked.

The sonar operator listened. "Three, sir."

Aboard the White Base, the report was passed, alerting Bright of the new units. Aina recognized them with dread. "Oh no, they've sent Doms!"

"Kinky," Mirai replied as the ship shook from another hit.

Ahead of the Kandahar, the dug in Ground Types of the Fifth and Sixth teams were the first to see the oncoming black and purple units, slaloming around one another as they charged their way down the bank of the river that wound through the jungle before them.

"Hey, what are those things?!" One of the Fifth Team's Ground Type GM pilots asked.

"Does it matter? Shoot them!" the pilot of a Ground Type Gundam yelled as he aimed a three tube missile launcher at the oncoming MS, which lined up single file. "Huh?"

A beam of light suddenly blinded the pilots of the six MS, and before any of them could recover, the three MS-09B Dom Mobile Suits tore through the positions of the the Fifth and Sixth Team, cutting down their Ground Types with heat swords and 360mm Bazookas.

"Fifth and Sixth Teams have been annihilated!"

Kojima looked in surprise over at the operator who reported that, before a brilliant explosion from one of the downed MS brought his attention back to the front.

"This is the Fourth MS Team, we've lost our point and we're taking damage!" a pilot radioed. "We're engaging a single unit, it's a Gouf but it's on steroids or something!" The pilot screamed, before the communication cut.

Aina grimaced. "It's Norris…"

Bright looked over at Aina. "Someone important to you?"

Aina nodded slowly. "Y-yes, he's my family's bodyguard."

"Fourth team is a done deal," Oscar reported.

Kicking the impaled Ground Type Gundam off its sword, the MS-07B-3 Gouf Custom turned and finished off the last remaining Federation suit with a point-blank burst from the 75mm Gatling Gun mounted on its shield. Norris could hear the fleeing GM Ground Types of the Fifth Team fleeing into the woods, and let out a snort of annoyance.

"Typical Feddie scum, all they're good for is rolling around in the mud like pigs," he muttered. He looked back at the Zakus with him. "Move up, our objective is to make it to the base and secure or destroy the Apsalus!"

A beam rifle shot punched through one of Norris's squad. Quickly seeking out the source of the beam, he spotted the Gundam emerging from the trees.

"Wow, that is a beastly-looking suit you have there," Amuro said.

"The Gundam!" Norris shouted.

"Is that a gatling gun on your shield? Oh man, I want that."

"Where is Miss Aina?!" Norris growled as he drew his heat sword from the gatling shield and brandished it. "If you want a shred of mercy, she had better be unharmed!"

Amuro fired at Norris and missed as the Gouf Custom jumped aside. The big blue machine then charged straight towards the Gundam, moving from side to side to avoid two more beam shots before slashing at the Gundam with the unheated blade.

The Gundam blocked the heat sword with its shield and fired its head vulcans. Norris managed to escape the shower of 60mm rounds, however. Swinging again, Norris managed to hit the Gundam in its exposed side, and only succeeded in lightly scraping the paint before the Gundam kicked him back.

"Oh, I know who you are! You must be Norris!" Amuro realized.

Norris glared at Amuro. "Is she alive or not?"

"She's safe and sound," Amuro replied. "I'm not a monster."

Norris snorted and turned the heat blade on, giving it an orange glow as the Gouf Custom's eye flashed brightly. "Then I'll grant you the mercy of a quick death."

"Zeon gratitude is akin to its hospitality," Amuro lamented.

"When two soldiers meet on the battlefield, the only outcome is that one must fall, boy!" Norris declared as he lunged at the Gundam.

The Gundam's quickly drawn beam saber sliced off the Gouf Custom's sword carrying right hand as it kicked it in the left knee, destroying it. Crashing to the ground, the Gouf Custom landed on its back as the Gundam held up its shield.

"I bet when you said that, you were expecting me to be the one to fall, didn't you?" Amuro asked.

Norris growled and lifted up the shield gatling to fire it into Amuro's cockpit. "I'll take you with me!"

The bullets bounced harmlessly off the Lunar Titanium armor of the Gundam, as Amuro raised the shield higher. "Between you and me, Norris? I fucked her cross-eyed and she loved it so much, she defected."

Norris went wide-eyed. "WHAT?!"

"Yeah, die knowing that." Amuro stabbed the Gouf Custom in the cockpit, with its shield, various hydraulic fluids splashing up over its chest and face.

"Gouf's down," Amuro reported.

Aina closed her eyes and turned her head away from the screen.

"On the bright side," Mirai said, "At least he died not knowing you defected, right?"

Overhearing that, Amuro let out a slight cough.

Aina shook her head. "No, I said I had no regrets and I have none. Norris died a soldier out there, and that's all he'd ever ask for."

Amuro called Kai. "Hey Kai, help me stash this Gouf for later!"

"Wait, you got it intact?" Kai asked from his position.

"Mostly!" Amuro cheerily replied.

"Man, it's going to be awkward hosing him out of there when this is done," Kai joked as he turned and began walking towards the Gundam's position. Or at least he would've had the Efreet Custom not landed in front of him after jumping off a Dodai.

"Sup, faggot," Nimbus radioed, "Ready to have my balls all on your chin again?"

Kai closed his eyes and groaned. "Oh God, he's here too."

Nimbus grinned as he drew his own heat swords. "Where were we last time, Guncannon? Oh yeah, I was beating you with your own limbs!"

A beam passed between them, and the Efreet Custom jumped back from another shot. The Gundam landed between Kai and Nimbus. Amuro had the Gundam wave to Nimbus. "Sup bitch?"

Nimbus stared at the Gundam, having not forgotten that Amuro had rendered the EXAM System useless by _flirting with it_ last time they tangoed. Nor had Nimbus forgotten that with the EXAM System, he could only break even with the Gundam at best. Needless to say, as Nimbus pondered the prospect of fighting the Gundam again EXAM or no, he began to perspire heavily.

"Nervous?" Amuro asked.

"No!" Nimbus sharply retorted. Well, this was awkward. He was all ready to get his kill on, but the Gundam literally killed his kill-boner. Not that he wasn't afraid, no, he just didn't want to fight the Gundam right off the bat. So he asked himself: What would Gihren do?

"_Kill your family when it is most convenient for you."_

Wrong life lesson.

"_Have some worthless peon who idolizes you throw himself into harm's way while you watch from the back and laugh."_

That's more like it! "If there's a Zeon Soldier worth his salt in the area. I'm offering a two-rank promotion to the first man who brings down the Gundam!"

There were understandably no takers.

"And a month of leave!"

Still no takers.

"And some nudes I have of Kycilia, I guess."

Every Zaku in the jungle did an about-face and charged the Gundam and Guncannon.

Amuro hummed. "Damn man, if she's that hot, I'm ready to beat myself."

"Please, not in the middle of a battle," Kai said as he shot at the Efreet Custom, which jumped back and into the trees. "Damn it, that pussy!""

"He's probably the smartest one here," Amuro joked before a Zaku attempted to shoulder barge him. It was met with beam rifle death to the cockpit.

"And now with the Gundam distracted, I can go and have me some real fun!" Nimbus said with a grin before he looked towards the base. "And I think I'll start by making all their base belong to me!"

"Weird, the Zakus have broken off and are attacking the Gundam," Eledore noticed aloud.

* * *

Michel, who was listening to the radio, sighed. "Because someone offered pictures of Kycilia Zabi nude if they defeated the Gundam."

Eledore hummed. "Hey, I've seen that pinup. I would not mind dying for a glimpse of that, just not against those crazy sons of bitches."

Eledore then heard something alarming. "Hey, hang on. I've got movement in the river nearby the Kandahar. New units, six of them. Three are heading towards shore, while three are heading down the river towards the base."

Bright didn't like that. "Do we have anyone over by the Kandahar to support it?"

"This is Seventh Team, we're on our way!" Sally reported as the Kandahar kept firing at the rapidly approaching Doms.

"Yeah, you're probably going to die out there," Bright noted.

The three GM Ground Types of Seventh Team emerged from the trees by the river, in view of the Kandahar as it fired again with its main cannons. At that very same moment, three bulky mobile suits with no heads, rows of blades mounted atop their shoulders and a large mono-eye sensor in their chest, emerged from the water. The three MSM-08 Zogok amphibious MS turned and swiveled their monoeyes onto the Seventh Team, and they all flashed brightly.

"Oh my God," Sally whispered.

One of the Zogoks immediately fired the the blades atop its shoulders. The boomerang-shaped blades pelted Mike's Ground Type, and the Ground Type of their third man, who was unfortunately closest to the Zogok trio.

Before Sally or Mike could call for him to look out, one of the Zogoks raised its arm and fired its fist on the end of a telescoping arm. The pseudo-rocket punch smashed into and through the GM Ground Type, lifting if off the ground.

Sally was understandably horrified and dumbstruck. "What is this stupid shit?!"

As Sally and Mike began to back away, the Zogoks advanced upon them, the one that punched their wingman to death shoving the silent GM Ground Type off its extended arm.

"We're going to die, oh my God, oh my God…" Sally stopped as the sky overhead grew bright. "What?"

Aboard the White Base, Bright, Aina, Mirai, and Sayla looked up at the fireball hurtling towards the battlefield from above. The shooting star's light illuminated the jungle below, and everyone not presently fighting for their lives gave pause to look up at the object.

"Ten seconds," a woman's voice called over all frequencies, "… Nine… Eight… Seven… Six… Five…"

The fireball, a large bullet-shaped reentry capsule, was hurtling towards the ground at alarming speed.

"… Four …Three… Two… One… Release!"

The reentry vehicle, blew apart and revealed inside it a midnight blue-painted Mobile Suit, a Gundam Ground Type with a GM Ground Type's head. Flipping forward, the RX-79BD-1 Blue Destiny aimed a beam rifle down at the three Zogoks and fired, the beam neatly piercing the three Amphibious MS, which crumpled lifelessly before the Seventh Team. Firing its thrusters, the blue MS landed in front of the two GM Ground Types.

"Ah, she's here," Bright said as the GM-headed Gundam tossed aside the beam rifle, reached behind its back, and drew a 180mm Pump-Action Shotgun.

Sally and Mike stared at the Blue Destiny in awe. "Wow," the latter said, "Is that a new prototype?"

"Nope, stock model Gundam Ground Type, except for the chest cannons and missile launchers," the redheaded twenty-one year old pilot of Blue Destiny, Christina Mackenzie, replied. "Well, that and a little something more, but I won't get into that."

"Welcome to the battlefield, Miss Mackenzie," Bright greeted.

On the main screen of the White Base, Christina's normal suit-helmeted face appeared. "Naturally, good to be here Cap'n Bright! Now point me at some more Zeon so I may eat their faces."

"More are heading towards your location, hotness," Eledore cut in.

"I heard that!" Karen yelled.

Christina looked over, and sure enough there were the three Doms racing straight for them. "Oh yes."

Sally was less pleased. "Oh God, they already wiped out six MS."

"I know who they are, those colors," Christina said eagerly, "They're the Black Tri-Stars!"

Sally looked down at herself. Yep, she has officially soiled herself in fear. "We gotta get out of here, special paint job or not, a Ground Type's not gonna mean shit against those guys!"

"Peeshaw and haw-haw," Christina said. "True fact, all the Dom has going for it is its hovering speed and heavy armor. And as these are the Tri-Stars, then both of those advantages don't mean a thing with how they use them!"

In the lead Dom was Lieutenant Gaia, an experienced pilot and brilliant tactician despite his obvious Texas hick accent and his normal suit that seemed more appropriate wear in Fist of the North Star. "Well, well, looks like we got ourselves summore fodder, boys."

"Yeehaw!" Ortega, who boldly went into battle with a missing eye and no eyepatch to cover it, laughed as his good eye focused on Sally's GM. "You can see the Feddie's knees shakin'!"

"Squeal like a piggy!" Mash, the big guy of the group, yelled as his Dom brandished a heat saber.

"Get the blue boy first, and the rest'll fold like a bad hand!" Gaia ordered. "Launch the Jet Stream Attack!"

Christina chambered a round and rushed the oncoming Doms as they lined up in a single file. "Come on!"

Lifting his bazooka, Gaia targeted the Blue Destiny and fired–and missed when Christina jumped up over his shot and his Dom.

"Too easy!" Christina yelled, as the Blue Destiny fired at Ortega's Dom before it could get its own shot, blowing its head completely off. As the headless Dom passed under Blue Destiny, it racketed another round into the chamber and landed in the path of Mash's Dom, which held up the heat saber in preparation to cut the Blue Destiny down.

"Yer gonna pay for-!" Mash was thrown forward in his seat when the Blue Destiny caught the Dom and tossed it up and over its head, to land face first in the mud of the river's shore.

Turning around, Christina fired the shotgun into the downed Dom's back, fatally damaging it. "Pathetic!"

As the Dom exploded where it lay, Gaia's Dom came around and charged the Blue Destiny. "Damn you, ya blue varmint!"

Blue Destiny spun out of the way of the Dom, shooting it in the back as it passed. "Predictable!"

Flames spewing out of its back, the Dom careened towards the water. Gaia looked back in horror. "What in tarnation?! That pilot, he ain't human!"

Christina turned her back to the Dom, smiling. "You cannot escape from death."

The Dom exploded, as Blue Destiny tossed the shotgun into the air and caught it in its other hand by the fore end to chamber another slug.

Ortega, the sole remaining Tri Star, was still trying to get his backup cameras working, when Sally jammed a beam saber into the Dom. Yelling loudly, the shaken pilot yanked the beam saber through the Dom, cutting it in half and staggering away from it as it exploded.

She couldn't believe it. "I killed it."

"Nice kill, but I think you guys should stick with the grunts and leave the aces to the likes of us, okay?" Christina asked. "Go support the Kandahar."

The two GM Ground Type pilots nodded, and jumped across the river to head towards the land battleship. Christina contacted Eledore. "Hey, guy who called me hotness. Any other enemies around?"

"I'm tracking three more contacts in the river heading towards the shore closest to the base, that red-shoulder bastard with the EXAM System is heading that way, too."

Christina smiled. "Really? Good, he's the one I'm actually here for. I'm moving to intercept!"

* * *

Bright had been misled. A rare feat, yes, but even the Moon was blue every so often. As it turned out, Ryer had held out on Bright on one critical detail. The Kandahar in fact had three Ground Type GM Sniper as part of its guard detail, but that unit had been left behind at the Kandahar's base for reasons regarding a mechanical failure.

This of course, was a lie.

Sniper 3, as the GM and its pilot will be now known as, had been personally ordered by Ryer prior to departure to trail quietly behind the Kandahar and sit outside of the battlefield with its support unit. The orders Ryer had given the pilot were very precise: When he gave the order, he was to destroy the bridge of the White Base with his beam sniper rifle, well out of the range of any units that could possibly retaliate or defend the ship.

Slumming in the (barely) fan-cooled control tower of the Kojima Battalion's HQ, Ryer watched with increasing agitation as the Zeon's no-good very bad day seemed to drag on. Even Zeon's infamous Black Tri-Stars had been wiped out without much effort. This battle was turning into a slaughter, and that God damn goat was going to get all of the credit for it _again._

"Is there not a single competent Zeke out of any of them?" Ryer growled before a phone he set on the console in front of him rang. He picked it up. "Sniper 3?"

"I'm in position, sir," Sniper 3 reported.

Finally, something going his way. "All right, wait for my next orders."

Ending the call, Ryer immediately wondered where his patsy was. Sure enough, there were footsteps as Shiro's Ground Type left its hangar and began approaching the edge of the base. Ryer held up his phone, and quickly contacted the Ground Type as it plodded past the control tower. "Ensign Amada."

An image of the interior of Shiro's cockpit appeared on his phone, showing Shiro sitting in the cockpit with some manner of teenaged girl on his lap. For just a moment, Ryer was taken aback. "Ensign, why is there a fourteen year old girl on your lap?"

Kiki stared at Ryer's bemused face. "Wait, what-?"

"Ah, Captain this is one of the local guerillas who are supporting the Federation Forces in the area, Kiki Rosita" Shiro quickly replied as Kiki rolled her eyes.

Well this complicated things some. "Amada, you remember what we discussed, don't you?"

"Yes Captain, when the time's right, I'll do it," Shiro answered.

"Do what?" Kiki asked.

Ryer nodded. "All right, I'm counting on you."

As Shiro ended the connection on his end, Kiki gave Shiro a pointed look. "What are you going to do?"

"Don't worry I'm not going to do anything, especially not for a guy like him. Right now, I need to find the Apsalus, where is it?"

Oh God, not this again. "Shiro, remember what I said about you not being the sharpest bulb in the knife drawer?"

"Kiki, that euphemism doesn't even make sense-"

"You really should not try to rescue that Zeon woman," Kiki said. "Are you following me, Shiro? Pay close attention to me as I say the following: The cute girl sitting on your lap who is not trying to make out with you only out of respect for the gravity of the situation thinks it would be best for everyone if you do not try to rescue that Zeon woman."

Shiro stared at Kiki. "Kiki."

"Shiro," Kiki replied.

Shiro's stare became determined. "I have to rescue Aina. This fight won't end until the Zeon are dead or we're dead otherwise."

"I'm all for the Zeon dying," Kiki argued.

"But then Aina will be crushed, watching her own countrymen being slaughtered by the Federation, that'll just make her hate us, and the cycle of hate between the Federation and Zeon will continue."

Kiki was quiet for a moment, and then, "And that's my problem, how?!" She stopped, and frowned. "Oh, I see. This isn't about her hating the Federation, it's about her hating you!"

Shiro recoiled some. "Kiki!"

"You're so desperate to get into that chick's pants, you're willing to betray all of the people fighting out here for some white knight cred!"

Shiro grew wide-eyed at Kiki's accusation. "I'm not being a white knight!"

Eledore's voice came over the radio. "Uh, guys… new contacts flying low and one's making the same kind of noise as the Apsalus and the White Base."

That distracted Shiro and Kiki. "Eledore?"

Kiki palmed the radio. "Hey, what's coming?"

* * *

Mirai was the first to see it. "Oh boy, it's here."

She then sharply heeled the White Base to port and accelerated directly out of the path of a barrage of beams that came from the trees below. Successive beams almost reached the White Base, but seemed to bend away above and below the ship before striking. Rising from treetop level, the MAX-08 Adzam turned and kept the White Base in Kycilia's sights as the ship repositioned itself to fight back.

"Did the mega particle beams just bend?" M'Quve asked.

"A Minovsky Craft side effect, I'm sure. I will have to get much closer to do damage." Kycilia's eyes narrowed. "That's perfectly fine by me."

Back aboard the White Base, alarms warning the crew of incoming projectiles brought the CIC's attention to the two large Anti-Ship Missiles homing on the ship. A barrage of anti-aircraft fire shot down one from a safe range. The second however managed to maneuver around the tracers before it was finally destroyed close enough to illuminate the White Base in the night sky.

"Zanzibar-class ship incoming, and more Gaws hanging back!" Oscar reported.

"The second wave, finally," Bright lamented. "Air assets?"

"They're regrouping. Ground Package is still en route," Marker replied.

Bright nodded. "Of course."

"Incoming transmission, it's from the Zeon forces," Sayla reported.

Bright's eyebrows rose. "They're requesting an audience? Patch them through."

A second later, Kycilia's masked face appeared on the screen leveling a glare on all present that quickly focused to just Bright. "Bright Noa, you are outnumbered and outgunned, this is the end of you and the Trojan Horse's line. Return my brother and surrender, and I might be lenient enough to-"

"Yeah, shut up," Bright immediately interjected.

Kycilia actually stopped talking, wide-eyed. M'Quve slowly turned to stare at her and suddenly found himself overcome with terror.

"In the last five minutes, we've killed the pilot of a fancy-looking Gouf, three weird-ass amphibious suits, and three of your shiny new hoversuits. Fuck off with that 'outnumbered and outgunned' garbage, and accept the horrifying reality that you're only feeding the meatgrinder."

Kycilia narrowed her eyes. "You're ly-"

"I didn't say you could talk," Bright cut her off again.

M'Quve could see what little of Kycilia's face not hidden by the mask begin to flush with what he hoped was rage.

"So before you start making demands, here's one of my own: We'll stop killing your men, if you surrender yourself to me," Bright offered.

Kycilia shook with what M'Quve again hoped was some measure of anger. However, before she could reply, someone else barged into the conversation.

"You will surrender the Apsalus and all related materials over, or we will sink your ship, Bright Noa!" Ginias yelled as the Kerguelen opened fire on the White Base with its two-barrel 18 inch main gun and its battery of Mega Particle Cannons at its bow.

Some skillful maneuvering from Mirai avoided the Kerguelen's attack. Taking aim with a Mega Particle Cannon, Katz returned fire, the two beams missing the Zanzibar class as it broke right of the beam.

"I missed!" Katz complained.

"Aim harder, noob!" Kikka snapped at him.

"Incoming!" Icelina warned the kids as 75mm tracers began hitting the White Base ineffectually.

Marker identified the attacking units quickly. "Hey uh, chief, those MS are flying."

Two MS-07H-8 Gouf Flight Type MS were circling the White Base, attempting to hit the White Base from different directions. They were joined by MS-07 Goufs of the standard variety riding atop Dodai Fighter Bombers, attacking with their much weaker finger-mounted machine guns.

Bright rolled his eyes in annoyance. "If this were any other ship, or if they had better weapons, that'd be cause for concern." He directed his attention to Ginias, who was looking mad as fuck. "Hey, if you sink this ship, you'll kill your sister and Kycilia's brother."

Ginias paused. "Aina?"

At that, Kycilia finally exited her rage induced stupor. "Garma!"

Aina had conspicuously removed her Federation uniform jacket, and was now sitting on it. "Ginias, listen to them, please."

Ginias looked relieved to hear Aina's voice, and then see her on his screen, seated behind Bright. "Aina, you're safe… thank goodness."

Aina brightened when she saw her brother's relief. "Oh Ginias, you're-"

"Did you destroy the Apsalus?" Ginias then asked.

Aina stopped, and got a little bit nervous. Well, this was awkward. "I couldn't," she admitted. "I didn't have the time…"

Ginias was suddenly far less relieved. "Aina did you at least destroy any sensitive data contained within the Apsalus?"

Aina looked very nervous. "Um…"

Now Ginias looked downright angry. "Aina. Where is the Apsalus?"

"Oh, we've captured it and plan on using it against you," Bright answered for Aina.

Ginias was eerily calm all of a sudden, and somehow this freaked out even Bright. Looking off camera, Ginias ordered his crew. "Sink the White Base, leave no survivors."

"Ginias!" Aina yelped.

"Wow, what the hell?" Bright asked.

"Sahalin, your sister is on that ship. But more importantly, Garma is on that ship!" Kycilia yelled.

When Ginias looked back at the camera, he had a completely insane look on his face. "That whore handed over the most important thing in my life to the Federation. I will never forgive her."

Aina recognized that particular look. "Oh God, he's off his meds."

The Kerguelen, now flying parallel to the White Base, opened fire again, Mirai effortlessly avoiding the fire as the Federation battleship returned fire with its 22s and a Mega Particle Cannon.

"Damn it, he's going to get Garma killed!" Kycilia growled as she began to reposition the Adzam.

One of the Kerguelen's shells managed to hit the White Base, which shuddered from the hit. One of the two Gouf Flight Types flew in close, its shield gatling's rounds peppering the bridge but refusing to go through the heavy armor that shielded it.

"That's gonna be hard to buffer out," Marker lamented.

"The Super Mecha Rocket Slime's moving to our starboard side and getting ready to attack," Oscar reported.

Aina looked up at Oscar. "The what?"

Bright sighed. "Well, does anyone have ideas?"

"Only one that years and years of Starfox 64 have taught me," Mirai suggested.

Bright cringed. "You don't mean…?"

"Use boost to get through," Mirai replied.

Bright sagged in relief. "Oh, because for a second there I thought you were going to-"

"Psyche! DO A BARREL ROLL!" Mirai yelled as she spun the wheel.

More bullets peppered the White Base, as it dipped below the Kerguelen's fire, and told the Adzam's mega particle beams to fuck off with its Minovsky Craft System. Aboard the bridge of the Kergulen, Ginias was annoyed.

"How hard is it to hit a bright white ship in the middle of the night?!" He contacted the Goufs. "Land on that ship and shoot it from point blank range!"

"Yes sir!" One of the Gouf pilots replied before the White Base suddenly pitched up and began to roll. "Wait, what?!"

One of the White Base's broad wings smashed into the Gouf Flight Type with enough force to cause it to fly apart. As the ship rolled inverted, Kycilia and M'Quve could only stare in awe as the ship wound up above and behind the Kerguelen… upside down.

Ginias gawked up as the White Base's weapons swiveled to get a proper bead on the Zanzibar. Seated in his chair and strapped in like the rest of the crew, Bright flipped off Ginias and smiled.

"Watch the birdy," Bright said, before the White Base's weapons unleashed hell upon the Kerguelen.

The Mega Particle Cannons melted through parts of the Zanzibar, while the White Base's 22s tore into the engine block, causing tremendous amounts of flame to spew from the ship. After the brief burst, the White Base completed the barrel roll, and came alongside the now burning ship as it began to fall towards the ground below.

"No, not like this!" Ginias yelled, before he looked up at the monitors connecting him to the White Base. "Aina! This is your fault, you betrayed me!"

Aina just looked worried. "Ginias, bail out!"

"You gave away my life's work, my dream!" Ginias yelled at her.

"Ginias please, before it's too late!" Aina pleaded.

"Fuck you! You're just like Mother! You were supposed to be my arms and legs, to ensure that my dream was realized! I'm not going to let you screw me over like she did, you whore!"

Aina recoiled at that, as a switch was flipped. "You know what, Ginias? Forget what I just said. Die."

Ginias growled, and then ran to the controls of the ship. Wrestling with them, he suddenly turned the ship towards the White Base. "AINA! I'M TAKING YOU TO HELL WITH ME!"

"Uh oh!" Mirai said as she prepared to bank the ship away, though there was really no need for it. A barrage of gunfire from the Adzam ripped through the Kerguelen, raking the lunging hulk from stem to stern until it exploded brilliantly.

"M'Quve, take a note: amend the military's policy regarding the screening of recruits with mental illness or disability," Kycilia growled in frustration as she released the triggers.

"In all fairness, my Lady, it seems to be working well enough for the Federation," M'Quve pointed out.

"Excuse me, we all got our mental issues fairly recently!" Bright corrected.

"Space Madness is a motherfucker," Mirai chimed in.

"SHUT UP!" Kycilia shrieked. "All units! Advance on the base to recover the Apsalus II, and disable the White Base!"

"Speaking of mental issues, I think it's time to unchain our biggest dog," Bright said as the lights of the remaining Gaws speeding up to make their run on the Kojima Battalion Base became visible below.

"Yeah, about that, the base is having problems," Marker reported. "You remember that big ol' hole the Black Trinary or whatever blew in our line?"

* * *

A 175mm round smashed into one of the Mass Produced Guntanks as a group of four Zakus and three Goufs emerged from the jungle with guns blazing. As the Guntank exploded, a second returned fire with its 120mm cannons, knocking over the Magella Cannon wielding Zaku before another threw a Flash Cracker Grenade, the flash blinding the crew long enough for a Gouf to land atop the Guntank and stab it through the head.

Having evacuated the control tower of the base, Captain Ryer watched as the Gouf stabbing the Guntank was riddled with bullets from Shiro's Ground Type, which was taking cover behind another hangar. Looking towards the distant ships, he held his phone to his ear. "Sniper 3, do you have a damn shot yet?!"

"I will soon, that Mobile Armor keeps getting in the way," Sniper 3 replied.

Ryer swore under his breath. "Wait until the White Base is in your sights, then take that shot!"

"Sir, with all due respect, I could just shoot the Mobile Armor. I heard something about Kycilia Zabi being aboard it," Sniper 3 pointed out.

Ryer growled, "You are going to shoot the White Base and nothing else, understand soldier?!"

"This is bad!" Shiro muttered as he reloaded his 100mm machine gun.

"No shit this is bad!" Kiki yelped.

Shiro finished reloading and peeked out around cover long enough to be shot at by another Zaku, forcing him back behind cover without squeezing a shot of his own. "Damn it, damn it, damn it!"

He fired wildly over the top of the hangar without looking. "I still need to find the Apsalus, and Aina!"

Kiki groaned. "Oh God, not this again, dude! Finding the Zeon Woman should be the lowest priority conceivable!"

A Gouf landed next to them, and raised the finger machine guns in its left hand. A beam sniper rifle shot, however, killed it dead. When the GM Sniper that saved them prepared to shoot again, the Efreet Custom landed behind it and stabbed it in the back with a heat sword.

"Not so fast, Cloth Monster!" Nimbus mocked as he kicked the GM off his sword. "Gimmie yo' sandwich!"

Shiro stared at the machine in horror, as the second GM Sniper drew a beam saber and lunged to attack it from behind. Turning around, the Efreet Custom sliced off the GM Sniper's beam saber arm, caught it, and then swung it to cut the GM Sniper in half with its own beam saber.

Kiki looked at Shiro, understandably nervous. "Can you do that?"

"I don't even know how he did that," Shiro replied.

The Efreet Custom then turned its mono-eye onto the Ground Type Gundam, and Shiro felt his blood run cold.

"Well! What have we here? Another Gundam!" Nimbus said cheerfully as he drew the Efreet's second heat sword.

Kiki looked from the Efreet back to Shiro. "Shiro, please have a better plan than shoot wildly at-"

Shiro screamed as he opened fire with the 100mm, both head vulcans, and the chest mounted machine guns.

Kiki sighed. "Welp…"

The Efreet Custom danced around the barrage of tracers as it rapidly closed in on the Ground Type. An alert from Nimbus's side and a freight train of gunfire caused him to rethink his attack and jump away from a counterattack mounted by Karen and Sanders as they burst from the jungle.

"Even more Gundams, what the hell is going on here?" Nimbus wondered aloud before he thought better of it. "Oh well, the more Gundams on my kill count, the better!"

Shiro stood up as the Efreet began moving again, this time in a wide circle towards the two Ground Types. "Karen! Sanders! Look out! That one's completely different from a Zaku!"

Karen, wielding a machine gun in one hand and a bazooka in the other, fired at the Efreet, which kept just ahead of her tracers. "No shit it's different!" she yelled before she fired a bazooka round.

"Commander check your six!" Sanders yelled as he joined Karen in attacking the oncoming Efreet with a 180mm Cannon.

Shiro turned around and shot another Zaku in the face, before another's Magella round hit his shield, knocking it from the Gundam's arm. His aim thrown by the hit, Shiro yelled and tried to wrestle the controls back, before Kiki covered his hands with hers and brought the machine gun back to bear, landing several good hits on the Zaku and silencing it.

"K-Kiki?" Shiro asked.

"Shiro, two things: One, despite everything, I still like you. Two, after this you are going to resign from the military, settle down here, and marry me because you are NOT cut out for this soldier shit."

Shiro was about to say something that amounted to "No, you're fourteen", when he heard Karen yell out. Quickly turning around, he watched as Karen's Ground Type lost its arm to one sword of the Efreet Custom as it prepared to impale it with the other. "Karen!"

Sanders, his 180mm already bisected by the fast as fuck Efreet Custom, lunged towards Nimbus with a quickly drawn beam saber. "Get away from her!"

The Efreet Custom jumped straight up, twisting its body through the air as Sanders stopped where Nimbus had been just a second before. "Damn it, how can he move like that?!"

He and Karen looked up to see the Efreet Custom coming down on them from above with both heat swords raised.

"MELEE DOUBLE KILL, MOTHERFUCKER-!" A giant boulder interrupted Nimbus's efforts at giving Shiro a case of PTSD that would haunt him for the rest of his days. Hit by the rock, the Efreet Custom crashed through a hangar and out its opposing side.

"Hey fuckface, you just got rocked," Kai said as the Guncannon walked onto the base.

Shiro breathed a sigh of relief. "Kai, thanks…"

"Oh don't thank me yet, if this bitch is anything like before, the moment he gets a challenge he'll either run away or…"

"EXAM System, stand by."

"That."

The Efreet Custom slowly stood up, bathed in a brilliant red glow as more Zeon units began to march across the base towards the 08th MS Team and the Guncannon. More Zakus, a single Gouf, and the three remaining Zogoks.

Sanders grimaced and drew his 100mm. "Hey Guncannon, what do you have?"

"I'm Winchester, used up all my ammo killing like eight Zakus back there. Why do you think I threw a rock?" Kai asked as he equipped the Guncannon's knife.

"That was your single free shot. I'm going to rip you all out of that cockpit and smear you all over the Efreet like War Paint, you motherfucker!" Nimbus growled.

Kai smirked. "I didn't come alone, though."

Missiles fired from the trees shrieked towards the Efreet, which was able to dodge thanks to the EXAM system. Several of the Zakus and the Gouf weren't as lucky, as Anti-Tank missiles smashed their joints and cameras.

Kiki gasped in joy when she spied her fellow guerrillas among the trees. "Yes! The cavalry is here!"

"Some cavalry," Karen said as she picked up a 100mm with her remaining hand and opened fire.

"More like a Light Brigade!" Nimbus yelled before he called to the Zakus. "Crush those ants!"

One of the Zakus exploded violently, and then another. Nimbus grew wide-eyed. "Since when could AT weapons do that?!"

Turning around, a Zogok prepared to fire its head blades at the new attacker, but a 180mm round punched through its chest and out its back. Emerging from the smoke and flames that wreathed the beseiged base, the Blue Destiny ejected the spent shell casing from its shotgun.

Nimbus stared at the blue mobile suit, unsure of what to make of it. "The Hell? Since when did the Federation get into the color scheme game?"

Christina smiled. "So you're the other EXAM Unit."

Nimbus raised an eyebrow. "Other? This Efreet is the only one!"

"Sorry Nimbus," Christina said as her cockpit began to glow red around her, "You're not so special anymore."

"EXAM System, stand by," the Blue Destiny spoke in an identical mechanical monotone to the Efreet's, its cameras emitting a red glow.

"This shit just got awesome!" Kai said.

Blue Destiny opened fire on the Efreet, which moved like a blur and attacked the GM-Headed Gundam. Nimbus's wild slashes were narrowly evaded, as Christina danced around his attacks with the same ease he had danced around Shiro's. Turning around after dodging a swipe, Christina shot Nimbus in the face, only barely missing as the Efreet Custom sidestepped around to try and shank the Blue Destiny in the side.

Turning around and avoiding the hit, Christina kicked Nimbus onto his back and fired down at the Efreet Custom, which boosted up and out of the way of the fire to land on a burning building.

"This is bullshit!" Nimbus yelled. "How the fuck did you get an EXAM System, you cheating bitch?!"

Christina just gestured for Nimbus to come and attack. "Come on!"

Nimbus went for it, lunging at the Blue Destiny and becoming a whirling storm of brightly glowing slashes and frustrated profanities. Christina was of course like a leaf on the wind, soaring gracefully around his strikes and silently mocking his anger.

"You mad?" Okay, maybe not so silent.

"Fuck you!" Nimbus yelled.

"You sound mad, I can't be sure," Christina noted. "Hey Guncannon, he sounds pretty mad."

"I believe he is mad, but I am not sure either," Kai said as Sanders stabbed a Zogok next to him to death, while he dispatched a Zaku with his knife. "Can we get a consensus going?"

As Christina jumped back from Nimbus, she laughed as the Efreet Custom slammed its swords onto the ground in its pilot's frustration. "FUCK! YOU! THE EXAM SYSTEM IS FUCKING MINE!"

Christina received an alert from behind her, and then smiled as the Efreet Custom charged her again, this time to shoulder barge Blue Destiny. Sidestepping, Christina allowed Amuro to slap the Efreet Custom to the ground with its shield.

"I believe he is mad due to an acute case of rectal pain," Amuro declared.

"MOTHERFUCKER!" Nimbus yelled as his fortune turned against him. It turned against him even further, when a racket loud enough to be heard in the cockpit interrupted the rest of his tirade. With the long, unabating howl, a great gust of wind blew across the base, blowing away the fires and smoke that engulfed it. "What the fuck now?"

He looked to his side, and his face fell at the sight of the Apsalus II rising above the trees, its mono-eye glowing brightly as it swept across the battlefield in front of it. "What."

Amuro pouted. "Looks like the game's over, my friend."

Christina sighed. "Oh, and it was getting good, too."

Seeing the Apsalus rise again, Shiro gasped. "The Apsalus! Aina!"

Kiki groaned. "Man, we talked about this!"

The Mega Particle Cannon in the dead center of the Apsalus II illuminated brightly, a deadly swirling light within the aperture brightening the night sky immediately around it. The light then came down like a shower, rays perforating the remaining Zakus and leaving them riddled with holes of molten slag. One especially bright and focused ray cut through the last Zogok like a knife as it tried to flee the Apsalus II.

The sight horrified Shiro. "No, Aina what are you doing?!" He looked over at the Zeon MS falling silent around the base. "They're your own countrymen! Stop! Just escape!"

The Apsalus II suddenly rocketed into the sky, spinning around like a top before it suddenly had a great view of the Gaws approaching the base. Shiro, seeing this, opened the hatch of his Gundam. "Aina! Don't do it!"

A voice replied from the Apsalus II, "I'm not Aina."

Shiro blinked in confusion, as the pilot introduced herself.

"I'm Frau Bow."

* * *

Over the battlefield, Kycilia noticed the glow coming from the Kojima Battalion's Base and grew wide-eyed. "No, it can't be!"

Bright laughed. "What, are you calling me a liar?"

A brilliant ray of death courtesy of Professor Minovsky swept across every single Gaw in the air, and a split second after the beam faded, all of the Zeon transports exploded brilliantly. Watching the Zeon transports go down in flames, Frau lowered her head and began to laugh. "Yes, burn, all of you burn."

Gunfire peppered the Apsalus II, as the Goufs atop their Dodais raced to attack. Hearing a ringing in her head, Frau let out another laugh and boosted clear of the missiles fired by the Dodais at the last second. Spinning the Apsalus II around, she unleashed hell, Mega Particle Cannon rays smartly slicing the Goufs and their Mechanical Magic Carpets to ribbons with brutal efficiency.

The remaining Gouf Flight Type dove on the Apsalus II from above, firing its Shield Gatling at it from above. Ribbons of beams aimed upwards sliced off its limbs and flight surfaces, and the impact of the falling Gouf Flight Type's torso bouncing off the Apsalus killed the hapless Zeon pilot.

Watching man and machine burn to ash around her, Frau threw her head back and let out a hysterical laugh that frightened everyone that heard it. No exceptions.

"Oh okay, just hearing that makes me wonder if we made a mistake putting her in that thing," Kai said. No exceptions.

"Not sure if scared, or aroused," Amuro added. "Yeah, scared." No exceptions.

"I shouldn't be surprised after what we walked in on before, but God damn," Karen said. No exceptions.

"Holy shit, she shut off my EXAM System," Christina realized. Nimbus's too, which prompted him to exit stage right. No exceptions.

Frau turned the attention of the Apsalus II's Mega Partical Cannon towards the jungle below, scattering beams of light into the jungle and hitting every Zeon suit that had somehow escaped the death and destruction prior. Almost every suit, rather, because Topp and Dell's Zakus managed to survive by virtue of cowering low to the ground, their pilots curled up in their cockpits in the fetal position as they listened to that horrific, hysterical laugh straight out of Higurashi.

Most unnerved of all was M'Quve, who had gotten out of his seat and was putting on a parachute. Seeing this, Kycilia looked back at her second in command. "M'Quve, what are you doing? M'Quve, don't you dare bail out!"

"I am sorry, my Lady, but I have heard the soulful song of the devil itself, so fuck zis shit. I am out of zis bitch." He opened the hatch and promptly bailed out.

Kycilia watched him bail out, and and it was at this time she realized the folly of a second in command with a French accent. "… Fuck! Well, good luck landing on a broken leg you vase-dinging pansy!"

"Well, what have we here?" Bright asked. "I believe the meatgrinder has nothing left to chew on."

Alas, it was not full yet, as Captain Ryer decided that this was the perfect moment for him to capitalize off the ebbing action and remove that goat from his side once and for all. "Sniper 3, do you have a shot?"

Sniper 3, who had not heard anyone's demonic laughter, had the White Base firmly in his sights. "I have a shot."

"Take it, hit the bridge!" Ryer ordered.

The GM Sniper opened fire, the narrow pink beam lancing across the sky for the White Base. With laser precision, the beam extended longer and longer across the sky before it reached the ship and arced harmlessly over the bridge of the ship.

Kycilia blinked a few times in confusion. She was at least five hundred meters away from the White Base, to the right of the whomever fired that shot. Had the Federation seriously fired on one of their own just now?

120mm machine gun fire and shells from a 175mm cannon lanced up, striking the Adzam several times and damaging it even further. On the ground, Topp and Dell kept firing at the mobile armor. "Bring it down quick!" the former yelled. "So they know we're on their side now!"

Kycilia shook her head in disbelief. "I'm being shot at by my own soldiers too?! What the hell is wrong with this planet?!"

The Adzam spun in, landing in the river with a great and large splash.

Bright, Aina, Sayla, and Mirai stared straight at the fading beam blankly. Oscar and Marker, were hard at work tracing the beam back to the shooter.

"Found it, it was a GM Sniper," Oscar said quietly.

Bright pinched his nose. "Didn't we only have two?"

"Yep, both were killed dead," Marker informed.

Bright sighed. "Amuro?"

"Yessir?" Amuro asked.

"Find Ethan Ryer and arrest him. Frau? Kill that sniper."

There was a flash of light, and Sniper 3 died regretting being an obedient drone to a fuckhead. "Done."

Bright nodded. "That about wraps things up. Colonel Kojima, move in and recover the enemy unit."

"Understood, Captain," Kojima replied as the Kandahar got underway.

Back at the base, Captain Ryer's private jet had taxied out of the hangar and prepared to take off with him at the controls. He needed to get out of here, fast.

The Gundam's foot stomping on one wing and Blue Destiny's foot crushing the other ended that. Looking up, he saw the 08th MS Team standing over him, pointing their weapons at the cockpit.

Defeated, Ryer hung his head and began to beat it against the cockpit's console.

* * *

"You know I'm not sure if I'll ever get used to seeing a smoldering battlefield littered with the ruins of Zeon every time we resupply you guys, but it's always great to see it," Matilda said as she disembarked from her Medea, which had arrived with others at the Kojima Battalion's Base at sunrise. The party celebrating their overwhelming victory and paying tribute to soldiers lost and allies gained was still going on.

"I'm sure it is," Garma said as he walked over to receive the delivery in place of Bright.

Matilda looked around. "Hell of a party you've got going on; what are your casualties looking like? We'll take any dead and wounded back to Jaburo for you."

"We lost over half our suits and a lot of good soldiers, but their deaths weren't in vain. Everyone's too happy about how hard we won to be grieving, really. The wounded are already ready to move, though the walkers insist on sticking around since the locals brought every bottle of alcohol in Cambodia here to the base."

"Oh!" Matilda considered staying herself at that, but crossword puzzles were a pain to do while drunk. "So, where's the esteemed man of the hour? General Revil's been trying to raise him all day."

"Well, after we fished Kycilia out of the river, he got smashed and partied so hard that Andrew W.K. wrote a song about it."

"Teenagers," Matilda said with a roll of her eyes.

Garma nodded. "I know, right?"

"So he's hungover, then?"

"Oh no, Bright doesn't get hung over. In fact, he woke up just half an hour ago and is currently taking part in a field court martial."

"Ryer?"

"Ryer."

* * *

Tied to a bamboo pole in the middle of a field and dressed in a tattered, blood soaked Zeon Officer's uniform, ex-Captain Ryer stared straight ahead as Bright paced back and forth in front of him. As per his usual mode of operation, Bright was clean cut, sharply uniformed, and not a single hair was out of place upon his well styled 'do. You never would've guessed that six hours before Bright had drank three fifths of rum, challenged Amuro to a dick-waving contest, and won.

"Ethan Ryer, you stand here before this tribunal of myself, Colonel Kojima, and Ensign Jose on grounds of treason, attempted murder, and being a enormous shit-heap," he explained to Ryer. "These charges are very real, very serious, and there is overwhelming evidence against you in actions and in testimony that you willingly and knowingly committed these acts because you have a tiny, tiny penis."

Bright held up two fingers barely three inches apart. "So small."

Mirai, who was standing to the side, held up some papers. "The prosecution would like for it to be known to the tribunal that we have testimony from a woman in Phnom Penh named Candi–with an 'I'–that ex-Captain Ryer does in fact have a very small penis."

Kojima, who had barely refrained from getting hammered, just chuckled. Ryu, who is a tried and true teetotaler, yawned because he had just woken up.

Bright stopped pacing and stood in front of Ryer. "In light of these charges, how do you plead?"

"I plead insanity," Ryer said.

"That's my excuse, not yours," Bright corrected. "Guilty or Not Guilty, Ethan. What's it going to be?"

"I plead guilty, and I'd do it again," Ryer replied as he glared Bright in the eye. "Look at you, and your outfit. A bunch of deranged kids running around with weapons meant for real soldiers, pretending you understand a damn thing about war. You should've been drummed out, you should have dropped out. Hell, I should have taken you out back and shot you myself, you uppity, disrespectful-"

"Shut up." Bright shoved a dildo into Ryer's mouth, and in another universe Lamia Loveless got an idea for how to interrogate a certain gynoid as she read this very story on her built-in web browser.

Ryer tried to spit out the obstruction, as Bright patted him on the head. "Ethan, this is how you are going to die. You are going to slowly bleed out from a gunshot wound to the gut, tied to a bamboo pole, under the searing heat of the sun in a moist, dense jungle. You will die in a Zeon uniform, with a dildo in your mouth, while it is streamed over the internet."

He gestured to a camera set up next to Frau, who was loading a service revolver.

"The reason you are going to die like this, is because you thought that you could kill another officer and take his command. Thoughtlessly, you enacted this plan in the middle of a battle where the lives of countless Federation soldiers were in the balance, not considering the effects of your actions and selfishly serving your own immediate goals."

Bright walked over to Frau, who handed the revolver to him. "Thank you Frau, you can go back to the party."

"No, that's okay I want to watch," Frau replied.

Yep, that girl had lost her mind.

Bright returned to Ryer, spinning the cylinder of the revolver. "Ethan, do you have anything to say before I shoot you and leave you to die?"

Bright removed the dildo from Ryer's mouth. Ryer spat at Bright, but missed as Bright moved his head. Bright replaced the dildo. "I guess not."

Bright took a few steps back. "I suppose you thought me had me bent over a barrel, Ethan, just like back in the academy where you relished tormenting me. Well guess what? I do my best work bent over a fucking barrel."

He aimed the revolver just a little lower than he said he would.

The report of the revolver firing made Matilda jump. "Huh?"

"Sounds like the court martial's over," Garma said as he checked off the supply list. "Oh, Core Boosters."

"Yes, two of them, and extra core fighters so you can have more people on the field. In exchange, we're going to take the Apsalus back to Jaburo."

"Fine by me, we wouldn't have anywhere to put it."

"Will we be taking the former pilot too, or did she want to stay?"

Garma chuckled. "Oh, Rahab wanted to stay and help slaughter more Canaanites."

One of Matilda's eyebrows rose. "Rahab?"

Garma waved it off. "Hey, blame Kai for the reference. She wants to stay and help work on any other Zeon technology we capture along the way, although that's not the only reason."

"I'm sure," Matilda said with a silky chuckle.

* * *

"I think I'm still a little buzzed from last night," Karen admitted as the 08th MS Team came aboard the White Base behind Shiro. She looked over to Eledore. "And I still can't believe you came back to fight."

"I can't believe I'm an ace in a Hover Truck," Eledore said. After the war, he decided, he would be taking that Type-74 home with him.

Sanders chuckled. "Everyone got a nice slice of the Ace Pie last night. Though we could've gotten a bigger chunk of it."

Karen held up a tablet. "And with this, I think we're going to get a lot more kills in the future."

"What's that?" Eledore asked.

"Oh, just the combat data from the Blue Destiny and the Gundam. I'm going to pick it apart, and use it to start a training program for Mobile Suit Combat on the Ground. Like Top Gun, but for MS Fighting," Karen said. "I hope to make it catch on in the Federation proper."

It would, and she had now idea how big it would be.

The White Base's port-side hangar was a mess of MS and MS parts, the crew sorting through any parts they would need, while shoving out what they didn't to make room for the Medea Squadron's delivery. Kai, of all people, was taking charge in the sorting.

"Hey Kai, what are we gonna do with this Gouf? The left knee is busted all to shit and there's Zeon Ace Stroganoff splattered all over the cockpit!"

Kai looked over to Job John–whose existence was an ongoing source of bemusement from Amuro–and shrugged his shoulders. "We got plenty of spare knees and that mess in the cockpit will come right out with a hose. If not, we'll just replace the whole block!"

"Kai!" Shiro called over to him.

"Huh?" Kai turned his attention to Shiro. "Oh hey there, Romeo. Looking for your lady love?"

"Ah, yes actually," Shiro replied. "I didn't see her during the party and I wanted to talk to her."

Karen rolled her eyes. "Only thing he thinks about when he gets here, fuck."

Eledore stopped. "Hang on, Fearless Rookie's got a lady friend? Since when?!"

"Since forever, first that Zeon chick we captured with the Apsalus, and then that guerrilla girl's been all over him," Michel lamented.

Eledore threw up his hands. "Oh come the fuck on! I had to deal with uggo nurses in Bangkok and Shiro's been drowning in pussy?!" Eledore stopped. "Wait, isn't that guerrilla girl like fourteen?"

"Nothing happened!" Shiro defended vehemently.

"Boy, did it never," Kai remarked.

"Dealing with 'uggo nurses', huh?" Karen growled at Eledore.

"Nothing happened!" Eledore parroted. He then grimaced. "Nothing I consented to, at least."

Karen relented and hugged Eledore in sympathy. "That's the price of being too pretty I guess."

Shiro sighed. "So Kai, where can I find Aina now?"

"She's probably in her quarters, she was hanging out with the brood queen last night so she's probably not even hung over." Kai grinned, a sickening sight to those who knew better. "I'll take you to her."

"Shiro…" Karen's tone was an agitated one.

"Hey, she defected didn't she? I think it's fine if I talk to her now, don't you?" Shiro asked.

Karen relented at that, finally. "I suppose so; just no more stupid stunts, okay?"

"You're asking for a bit much," Eledore and Kai said at exactly the same time, though only Eledore was heard.

"Eledore!" Shiro snapped at him as he followed Kai towards the interior of the ship.

Watching the two leave, Eledore folded his arms. "Man, some people have all the luck."

"And you don't?" Karen asked suggestively.

Sanders shook his head and laughed. "Looks like everyone's got luck on their sides nowadays."

"Bebe broke up with me via email," Michel said. "She left me because all I did was whine in my letters."

And shit got all awkward and quiet.

Heading down the corridor to where Aina's quarters were located, Shiro was doing well to restrain his excitement. There was so much he wanted to talk to Aina about. What made her defect? What gave her the strength to turn away from her brother? What was she going to do now? That last question was the source of his greatest excitement. Maybe, just maybe-

"I get this feeling you're banking a lot on that chick," Kai suddenly said.

Shiro looked at Kai in surprise. "Excuse me?"

"Just a feeling," Kai lightly answered. "You really ought to not, though. Star-crossed romances never work."

"And I take it you're an expert on romance?" Shiro asked.

"Not by any shot, but I've seen this stupid shit go down all the time, and your whole thing smacks of ending in one of the worst ways possible."

Shiro huffed. "Come on, she's defected hasn't she? The Capulet and Montague thing we had going on is over now."

"You know, Romeo and Juliet got married and that didn't stop that story from ending the way it did." Kai guided Shiro over to a particular door. "Besides, Aina isn't your Juliet, she's your Rosaline."

"Rosaline?" Shiro sadly was not one for Shakespeare, as he looked from the door to Kai. "This is Aina's room?"

Kai looked to the keypad controlling the door and spied the "Emergency Open" lever. Hitting two keys on the door's keypad, he grabbed the lever and yanked it. "Nope."

The hydraulically operated door flew open, ending in a loud bang that startled awake Aina. "Ah! What was that?!"

Her thrashing to get up struck and woke up Sayla. "Ow! What the hell?!"

Her shoving Aina off the bed disturbed Amuro, who sat up and began growling death threats in ancient Sumerian due to his hangover.

Shiro stared down at Aina, rubbing her her head in pain, looked over at Sayla, stuck in the rapidly fading state between sleeping and full-awareness, and then looked at Amuro still reciting perfect Ancient Sumerian despite having never heard the language before. The shock of finding Aina in bed with two other people was quickly joined by the realization that all of them were naked, and Shiro finally understood what the fuck was going on this entire time.

Kai took a picture of the look on Shiro's face. He waited an entire day for this moment, and it was worth every second. The first thing that happened, the color drained from Shiroh's face. Which isn't to say there was no color there, but the full warm flesh tone of a normal person was replaced by something that lacked the warmth that flowing blood provided. Lacking the life giving nourishment of blood his eyes started to bulge and his pupils dilated. Veins became visibly apparent in his face as the skin constricted with tensing musculature.

"A-Aina?" In all his horror, all Shiro could manage was a squeak.

Aina looked up at Shiro, down at herself, and yelped in fright before she grabbed the nearest article of clothing she could find and covered herself with it. "Shiro!"

Sayla had snapped out of her stupor, and grabbed Amuro's pistol to point at Shiro and Kai while covering herself with her other arm. "GET OUT AND CLOSE THE DOOR!"

Kai quickly shoved Shiro out of the way, and he leaned against the door wheezing for breath. He was completely overcome with laughter. "Oh man… I seriously can't breathe…!"

He collapsed to the floor, every breath he could barely take dedicated to laughing as hard as he could.

Shiro slumped back against the opposing wall, numb from head to toe. He stared unfocused at the wall directly above the collapsed Kai as the kid slowly regained his ability to breathe. Gradually, feeling returned to him, and it was mostly rage at Kai.

"You… you knew what was going on, didn't you?" He wanted to sound angrier than he did with that.

Kai sat up, catching his breath and wiping the tears from his eyes, before he smiled at Shiro. "Yeah."

"That's how Amuro convinced her to defect." Shiro again wanted to sound angrier than he did, but if he could actually hear himself he'd be satisfied with the growing rage in his tone. "You knew, this whole God damn ship knew."

Kai nodded. "Yeah, that sort of thing is what he does. I can't stand it either but the fact that you're so mad about it makes me so happy. Oh and uh… The Forerunner knew, too."

Shiro stopped. "Who?"

"The Master Chief."

"That bitch." Shiro was at optimum anger sound.

He was going to kill Kai. He was going to throttle the life out of the grinning little troll, then he was going to go in there and beat Amuro to death. Before he could commence the last three seconds of his life, however, the door opened and Aina stepped out.

She, made decent by a pair of boxers and a Federation blue shirt, looked over at the scene. "Shiro?"

And just like that, Shiro pussed out. "Aina!" Rage was replaced with dismay and confusion. "You just jumped into bed with that… that…!"

"I believe you are looking for the words 'monstrous, pale demon conceived by the bleakest womb', if you're feeling fancy," Kai quipped.

Shiro stared at Kai with enough intensity to melt through the armor of an RB-79K. He looked back to Aina. "Seriously, you just met him yesterday and before then he tried to kill you!"

Aina's expression became flat and humorless. "Funny thing, that."

Shiro realized the irony and palmed his face. "God damn it."

Kai was seized with another giggling fit.

Aina sighed. "Shiro, why are you so upset?"

Shiro lowered his palm from his face. "Because I thought…" He stopped, and stared off blankly.

Walking over, Aina sat down next to him. "Shiro, you saved my life twice, you got my watch back, and you were ready to risk your own neck to get me out of confinement. For that I'm pretty much as grateful as any woman can be, but I really hope that all of that wasn't just because _you_ wanted to sleep with me."

And that was the exact reason Shiro was staring blankly. The life returned to his eyes and he looked down at the floor. "Oh God."

Kai was pounding his fist on the floor, unable to breathe again. Aina looked over at the door. "Is there a way to make him shut up?"

A wrench hit the deck with a clatter at Aina's side.

"Apply directly to the forehead," Sayla replied.

Aina picked it up with every intent to do so after she was done talking with Shiro. "Shiro?"

"I am such an idiot," Shiro admitted.

"You're not," Aina reassured him.

He sighed. "I got so caught up in you that I came really close to hurting you, my team, and a lot of people. That is the very definition of idiot."

Which meant he actually owed Karen and Kiki for keeping him from going ahead with his plans, barbaric as their methods were.

Shiro took a deep breath. It still hurt, but it was less of a shrieking emo rage and more the hollow pang of disappointment and regret. He turned his gaze up to Aina. "I'm sorry for that, Aina."

"I forgive you for being an idiot." Aina patted him on the shoulder. "You're not a terrible person at all, Shiro. In fact, you're the first not-terrible person I've met since Norris, and believe me I knew him for a long time. Besides, everything turned out okay in the end, didn't it?"

Shiro looked aside. "I guess."

Aina's gaze became slightly pointed. "Shiro."

He managed to nod. "Yeah, you're right. We all came out of this alive in the end, and you're not stuck with the Zeon anymore."

Aina nudged him. "That's right." She offered her hand. "Are we cool?"

Shiro looked at the wrench. "On one condition."

"What?"

"I get first dibs on Kai with that wrench."

Aina looked down at the wrench, back to Shiro, and then at Kai. Kai stared back at the two, no longer laughing.

Aina handed Shiro the wrench.

Kai leaped onto his feet and ran as fast as he could.

Much to his chagrin, Shiro was much faster on his feet.

* * *

"If you want, you can take these two back." Garma gestured over to Topp and Dell, the former sharing compliments with Sally for their similar styles, while the latter showed pictures of his son to Mike, who was showing his own family photos in return. "They were the ones who shot down Kycilia, and would like some amnesty."

"It shouldn't be a problem, any defector from the Zeon is welcomed to the join if the Trojan Horse can vouch for them," Matilda replied.

Garma frowned when he saw what Matilda was taking back with her. "Wait, the Blue Destiny is going back to Jaburo?"

"It has to. The EXAM System still needs work, and the longer we keep MacKenzie around here, the odds of her and Amuro meeting increase. On that note, they didn't meet, did they? Revil had his concerns about that."

"Bright force-fed him a bottle of whiskey and had Sayla take him in for the night the moment the partying started, so no."

Matilda nodded. "Speaking of fiery redheads… how's your sister?"

Garma stared down at the manifest, and then looked up at the strangely sinister woman. "Have you checked our Youtube Channel?"

Thousands of miles away, in the Odessa Region, throngs of Zeon Soldiers waited anxiously for the return of the armada that scrambled the day before to deliver a crushing blow against the Trojan Horse and the Federation. Waiting at the front of the crowd on the edge of the runway was the current commanding officer of Odessa Theater, Rear Admiral Yuri Kellerne. Waiting alongside him were the Lieutenant Commanders Schmitzer and Ral, as well as Crowley.

No one had heard Kycilia's force since the rendezvous with Ginias, and while some had feared the worst, the nature of Minovsky Interference left them really with no other choice but to wait for their scheduled return. They expected, hoped, and even prayed to God and Gihren to see dozens of Gaws come over the horizon.

Instead, all they got was a single Dodai YS, with the Efreet Custom riding atop it.

"That's it?" The roguishly handsome and often-times shirtless Admiral Kellerne worriedly asked one of his aides, who quickly contacted the control tower.

The young, bright eyed soldier listened to the response, and then looked back at Yuri with an expression of utter heartbreak. "No other signals, sir."

"Christ almighty," Schmitzer growled as he buried his face in his palm.

It just kept getting worse, as the doors of the Dodai opened and only M'Quve managed to hobble out after the pilots, on a tree branch he used as a crutch.

Schmitzer grabbed the Frenchman by his shirt. "M'Quve, what happened?! Where is the rest of the force?! Where is Lady Kycilia?!"

M'Quve, his expression haunted by the horrible things he saw, listlessly stared back at Schmitzer. "We were slaughtered… like pigs. Myself, Captain Schterzen, and ze pilots of that Dodai… we are all that survive."

Schmitzer released M'Quve, and took a step back. "And Lady Kycilia?"

"Like a pig," M'Quve repeated, before he went hobbling past. "I am going to lie down now, and cry."

The realization that no one else was coming back spread across the base, and as shock gave way to disbelief and then despair a great cry of anguish and sorrow roared from Odessa that could've been heard in space were it not for the bellowing screams of _millions_ of citizens on Side 3 as they were presented with a broadcast blasted onto their televisions by the finest hackers of the Federation.

On the TV was Mirai Yashima in the galley of the White Base, standing by a counter and holding a frying pan. Reaching over to the counter, she removed an egg from the carton and held it up. "This is your brain."

She held up the pan. "And this is Ketamine."

She set the egg down, and then smashed it with the pan. She held up the yolk covered pan. "This is what happens to your brain, when you inject Ketamine."

Turning, Mirai walked over to Garma, who was tied to a chair. "This…" She prodded Garma with the yolk covered pan. "… Is a Zabi brain."

She walked past him to Kycilia, also tied to a chair and slumped over slightly with a blank, glassy-eyed look and drool running from the corner of her mouth. "This is what happens to a Zabi brain, when you inject Ketamine."

She rested the frying pan on her shoulder, and stared at the camera. "Any questions?"

The Trojan Horse logo appeared and a voiceover from Bright closed the commercial. "Paid for by The Trojan Horse and the Federation Office of Drug Control Policy. We got Kycilia Zabi, what now?"

Degwin Zabi turned off his television and stared at the floor of his throne room, quite unable to cope with what he just saw.

Over at the fortress Solomon, Dozle was beside himself three times over–literally bright red with rage, or Salmon Pink by the Char Aznable standard.

In his office, Gihren found himself at a loss for the first time as he could feel the morale of his Glorious Spacenoid Master Race hit the floor, grab a shovel, and start digging. Reality had jarred him from his delusions for a bit, and he was worried that it would take a while for them to set back in.

"I guess I'll take a personal day," he said quietly to himself. "Cecilia, we're going to the bathhouse."

Cecilia Irene grimaced, and Cima Garahau lost her Number 2 spot.

* * *

"I haven't even gotten over my hangover, do we have to leave?" Amuro complained as the ship, stocked and loaded, began to lift off from the Kojima Battalion's base alongside the Medeas. He was with Sayla at her station in nothing but boxers and a t-shirt because he couldn't be arsed to get properly dressed.

"Now that we've succeeded in psychologically violating the Zeon to unheard of levels Revil wants us to move to Odessa and be in position to open a hole in their rear. And we all know how you love to spread holes wide," Bright replied.

"I'm too hungover to make bad innuendo," Amuro moaned as he leaned against Sayla, who responded by giving him a hug as she worked.

"Don't worry, we've got enough people to cover for you." Bright looked down to Garma and Aina, now seated comfortably at their stations.

Garma, playing a handheld device, nodded assent.

Federation Ensign Aina Sahalin nodded as well, before she reclined in her seat next to Mirai. "This is so exciting, and scary. I still can't believe I'm living for me, now." She looked out the windows to her left, down at the Kojima Battalion's Base. "Good luck and goodbye, Shiro. I hope we meet again."

"We'll see him again, I'm sure of it," Amuro reassured, despite his misery.

Aina smiled at that. "Yes."

Down on the ground, Shiro watched the White Base go and let out a sad sigh. On the bright side, his adventure was over and he didn't end up being court martialed for anything. On the downside, Aina was off again and it'd probably be a long time before he saw her again, if not ever. Well, if there was ever an excuse to survive the war, there it was.

"So, when are you putting in your resignation?" Kiki asked.

Shiro jumped and looked back at Kiki, who smiled up at him expectantly. After a moment of staring, he replied, "I'm not settling down with you Kiki."

"Come on, you struck out with Aina. Here I am, your silver medal atop its pedestal." Kiki winked as she pointed her thumbs to herself.

Shiro let out a long sigh. "Okay, Kiki I admit that I like you and all, but there are several things keeping me from really taking you up on your offer. First, none of your 'family' like me."

"Oh, they do. You do remember how you liberated my village, right? You're a local hero and celebrity for it," Kiki argued.

"Second, I don't think your father would approve of it-"

"He's already given his blessings and everything. Expects a grandson by next year."

Shiro rolled his eyes. "Then there is the most important thing. Namely you being FOURTEEN."

Kiki stopped. "What?"

"You're a kid."

"Shiro. I'm seventeen."

Shiro blinked a few times, trying to process that. "Wait, what?"

Kiki nodded. "Uh, yeah. I was born in '62."

Shiro was still slow to process. "So that means you're…"

"Legal age," Kiki said with another nod.

Even the author was surprised, but double-checked the various wikis to confirm.

Given that to consider, Shiro let out another sigh. "You know what? Okay, but I'm not quitting the army, drop that whole silver medal talk, and let's go get something to eat."

Kiki pumped her fist and fell in step with him as he headed for the Mess Hall. "YES! Oh don't you worry Shiro, I'm going to be a pretty damn cool wife. I've already got a nice house, plenty of land for you to really toil in, and you will not believe what survivalist training has done to sharpen my culinary skills…!"

Shiro shook his head in amusement, and patted Kiki on the back. "Is toil negotiable? I don't like toil."

"… It's toiling or Mr. Mom, Shiro," Kiki said as she put her arm around his back to hug herself against his side.

And the 08th MS Team lived happily ever after.

Except for Michel, who became an alcoholic.

* * *

A/N: That makes two Zabis captured by those people, the Trojan Horse. I can't imagine this being good for the Zeon in the near term or long term.


	9. Not A Zaku Surprise 2: Electric Boogaloo

Disclaimer: This is a non-profit fan-based parody. Those who lay eyes upon Mobile Suit Gundam shall not live to tell of it.

**Mobile Suit Gundam: Gran Tomino  
**Not a Zaku Surprise 2: Electric Boogaloo

_This is the one where we steal all the jokes from Code Ment._

**[9.]**

Ketamine was a hell of a drug.

Or at least that was the first cognizant thought Kycilia Zabi had as she finally crawled out of the K-Hole that lesser individuals would've stayed at the bottom of. Happy to be back in her body, have basic motor controls, and an awareness of her immediate surroundings, Kycilia sat up on the cot she had been laying on and immediately found her brother sitting in a chair across from her.

"Grama…?" Okay, basic motor controls were green, speech capability not so much.

"I think you're still feeling it," Garma rightly assessed.

"Uh thank uh hamburglar do." Kycilia hoped to God she wasn't being recorded.

She was, not that Garma would say. She was still his sister after all. "If you're not too sure about talking just answer with a simple yes or no, is that all right?"

Kycilia nodded. "Slug."

Garma let out a sigh. "I think you should just nod or shake your head."

Kycilia nodded, and then finally realized that Garma was wearing a Federation uniform, and not sweatpants and a t-shirt like she was. "GRAMA WINKLE TUD FORK?!"

Garma luckily could speak Ketaminese. "I defected to the Federation after I was…" He raised his fingers for air quotes. "… Kidnapped."

"BI?!"

"I don't want to be on the mass-murdering losing side."

"ZEBRA DUB LAWSON!"

"I don't know, they captured me and you, and wiped out half of Odessa's contingent. I think the Zeon are losing."

Kycilia threw her head back and slapped her hands over her face. "Uh cump beeble piss…"

"We also captured much of the Adzam intact."

"Nu…"

"And the Apsalus is still ours."

"Nuuuu…"

"The Black Tri-Stars are dead."

"Ah muh Glob…"

"Ginias and Norris are dead."

Kycillia looked down. "Uh nu tackle… uh keed Goonies."

"Ah yes, thank you for that by the way. He upset Aina pretty badly and was going to kill us all."

"Huh biz Anal?"

Garma completely lost his composure and began laughing. Observing the interview on the bridge, Sayla palmed her face as Bright, Oscar, Marker, and Aina herself laughed as well.

Kycilia glared impotently at Garma, as he raised his hands in apology. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry… it is really funny though."

Her glare became more of a pout that, before she visibly softened at the sight of her younger brother's mirth. "Uh habbo hurr you leff…" She stopped and flushed in embarrassment and frustration.

"Keep it up, you're beginning to make sense." Garma encouraged.

Kycilia sighed. "… Uh… haban… heard… yooo… laff… en… a long time…" She shook her head as it began to finally clear. "You must've really wanted out, didn't you?"

"Well you did throw a live scorpion at Dozle. And then there was the whole mass murder thing."

Kycilia looked away. "Now that I've been captured by the enemy, I'm regretting a few strategic decisions made on my part."

"Only a few?"

"Not splattering Gihren's brain all over Zum City is probably the biggest one."

"As much as that should appal me, I find myself in agreement," Garma admitted. "There's good news though, there's a way out of your inevitable simultaneous hanging, gassing, and lethal injection via bullets coated with ricin."

"Please tell me you're exaggerating."

"No, they've done the research and have figured out to time it just right so it all kills you at the same time with as much pain and suffering as possible."

Bright said aside to Aina, "Tem Ray received a Nobel for it, mainly because he threatened the committee with it."

Kycilia sighed. "So what's my get out of jail free card?"

"It's simple; you betray Dad, Gihren, and Dozle-"

"Done deal."

Garma blinked. "Are you serious? I didn't even explain the rest of the-"

"Do I get to screw over Dad, Gihren, and Dozle?"

"Well, yes but-"

"Done deal."

A long silence fell between the two of them, before Garma's expression illuminated in realization. "That's right, you're a colossal bitch."

"To everyone but you, Garma, but yes."

Garma frowned. "You know, there was that one time in the academy-"

Kycilia rolled her eyes just before cutting him off. "Okay, to everyone, but we're on the same page now, right?"

Garma shrugged his shoulders. "I don't know, are we on the same page now?"

He had asked Bright that, who quickly replied via the room's intercom, "Sure, but there are still some details to work out."

Kycilia's eyebrows rose. "Like?"

"Oh, just a few little things, Odessa and how to break the Zeon over our knee like a rotted broomstick immediately come to mind, though."

Ah, they wanted to use her knowledge in order to ensure a swift victory over the Zeon forces protecting Odessa Base, Kycilia realized. Were she a person of integrity and national pride, she'd have happily gone along and used this as an opportunity to lead the White Base into a trap that would doom the lot of them and serve as a great victory to Zeon.

Unfortunately for them, there were only two people in the Principality she'd ever do favors for nowadays, and the one who took priority was right in front of her.

"Tell me, Captain, would you like me to hand the information on my forces' movements, positions, and strengths in detailed writing or in person over dinner?" She asked with softness to her voice that immediately disturbed her little brother ever so slightly.

"Dinner sounds good," Bright replied.

"Really?" Garma asked Kycilia in muted exasperation.

Kycilia smirked to her brother. "What, is it too much to want an audience with the man who has bested Zeon so skillfully?"

Kai, who was the only pilot bumming it out on the bridge, grinned. "Wow, for once someone who doesn't immediately gravitate to _Amuro's_ junk."

"Say one more word and that's it, pocho," Sayla warned.

Before anymore pleasantries could be exchanged, Bright clapped his hands together and magically received everyone's attention. "Much as Sayla washing her hands in Kai's blood would work up my appetite, I'd rather save the savage beatings for the enemy. We have things to do and objectives to achieve before we start pounding Odessa's rear."

"Like?" Kycilia asked.

"Like procuring salt."

Everyone looked back at the rotund Chef Tamura, the God-like chef of the White Base. Despite being a single man in a kitchen meant to be staffed by over a dozen, he cooked all the excellent meals for the crew of the ship and its refugees without tire or complaint… until now apparently.

Bright stared at Tamura. "What do you mean, procuring salt? We're out?"

"We've been out since we left Spokane. I've been leaving notes about it and sending messages to you for weeks now."

"Notes?" Bright pulled out a phone. "Oh that's right, I've been sending texts not on my contact list straight to the junk folder." He checked his junk mail. "Whoa."

"No wonder the fries have been so bland lately," Sayla noted.

"Oh thank God, I thought it was because you had a horrible cook!" Aina admitted, earning a soul-piercing glare from nearly everyone else on the bridge that had nothing but kind words to say about their sole chef.

Bright lowered his phone. "Mirai, stop the ship."

The ship screeched to an abrupt halt above the Iranian countryside, because Minovsky Physics don't give a fuck.

Aina paled. "You're not seriously going to throw me out for that, are you?"

"God no, we wouldn't have stopped for that," Bright said before he clapped his hands twice. "SheZow."

Everyone Bright wanted on the bridge was present. Amuro, Ryu, Hayato, Frau, Garma, and even Kycilia.

Kycilia looked around. "How the fu-?"

"Wizard," Bright curtly answered.

Kycilia slowly, silently nodded.

"All right my walking war crimes, we have a sour situation. We're due to take part in an assault so we can't halt, but we've got a shortness of salt down in the vault."

Ryu raised his hand. "As far as wordplay goes, that left a bitter taste in my mouth, jefe."

"Kill yourselves," Sayla commanded because and in spite of the physical pain that exchange left her in.

"Pretend there is someone amongst us who doesn't speak Asshole, please?" Garma asked.

"The White Base needs salt but we can't exactly swing by a Seven-Eleven to get some. So I'm sending some of you engines of chaos out there to do a little grocery shopping." Bright looked among his peons. "Does anyone have any ideas?"

Amuro raised his hand.

"It begins!" Kai declared.

Bright pointed to Amuro. "You have thirty seconds, sell me."

"We launch a diversionary raid on a town with a heavy Zeon presence, sacking it of its salt (and other, more expensive goodies) and drawing the attention of Zeon away from the White Base reaching and crossing the Caspian Sea. Mobile Suits are optional but we'll definitely need the Gunperry and a truck to carry all the loot."

Bright nodded. "Sold. Now I want to trick this idea out, who can pimp my plan?"

Kycilia spoke up. "Noshahr."

"No Char?" Bright asked.

Kycilia walked over to the White Base's map, showing its current position all up in central Iran, and pointed at a dot on the edge of the Caspian Sea. "Noshahr is here, it's a beautiful, scenic town being used by my forces as a resort for officers and VIPs. As such it has considerable value for a city not on the front line."

Bright hummed. "Yeah, we're doing this."

"Attacking Noshahr?" Kycilia asked.

"That and dinner, I think I wanna bang you."

Mirai perked up as she suddenly got an idea for her next fanfic.

"Well let's do dinner after we've acquired some salt. I prefer my food to not be bland."

Kai opened his mouth, and surprisingly didn't bitch about something. "Am I the only one who thinks that we're being a little too trusting of Kycilia Zabi?"

"For once, he has a valid point," Ryu said.

"Relax, Kycilia has the best possible motivation to help us," Garma reassured.

"I'm a colossal bitch who hates her family," Kycilia said before putting her arm around Garma in a sisterly hug. "Most of them."

Kai hummed. "Well, if it's out of spite that's something I can get behind. I want in on this."

Hayato then tried his hand at introducing reason to a hostile environment. "Guys, can we stop to think about what we're about to do here? We're about to sack a city over some salt."

A long, awkward silence fell on the bridge at that, as Hayato's words sank in. Captain, crew, and prisoners-turned-defectors alike looked back and forth among one another, as if searching for the right thing to say. Fortunately, Mirai lived for moments like these.

"You bring this up like we have human decency you can appeal to."

Bright threw up his hands. "Oh my God, thank you Mirai! I'm so making this a three-fer for that." He looked to Kycilia. "You're down for a three-way, right?"

Kycilia was unsuprisingly receptive to the idea. "Ooh, it'll be just like in my fanfiction."

Mirai looked back at Kycilia in surprise. Finally! A kindred spirit! "We are so doing this."

Any lingering doubts to Bright's claims of wizardry were quashed on the spot.

Amuro saluted his captain in admiration and lust. "Well since this is my idea, I would like to lead the charge! In addition to Kai I'll also need Hayato as our firepower, and Ryu and Frau because salt is heavy and Frau is the best wheelman this side of Ryan Gosling."

"Good initiative, dude. This is why I let you sit at the Captain's table."

"Could've sworn it was because he does his best to please you under it," Kai snarked.

Bright paused for a moment. "… That too."

Amuro cupped his cheeks and blushed. "Captain~!"

Ryu picked up Amuro and hoisted him over his shoulder as he walked for the exit. "Aight that's enough, jefe, Sodium deficiency is bad for the baby, you know? We gotta get that salt."

Hayato sighed and followed. "I guess on the bright side of all this, I'll probably get to shoot something."

Frau brought up the rear. "Is there a McDonald's in Iran? I gotta get my Big Mac on."

* * *

The city of Noshahr, Iran, located on the edge of the Caspian Sea. An environmentally conscious and low-industry city, its natural beauty shocked the Zeon conquerors who expected sand and dirt and metal as they had found in Odessa. So much so were the Zeon impressed by the city, that it quickly became a resort town for Zeon Officers and Enlisted, and subsequently a hotbed for defectors and deserters who would rather live peacefully on the beautiful Earth than be killed by its Federation.

Unfortunately for the Zeon and for Noshahr, the White Base was out of salt. But they weren't aware of this particular doom yet.

"If anyone has any ideas, I'm open to them," Rear Admiral Yuri Kellerne said to his gathered audience in a cafe in downtown Noshahr.

At twenty-six years old he, like the late Ginias and the captured Kycilia, attained his unusually high rank for his age by virtue of having a well-connected family in Zum City. Also like the late Ginias and the captured Kycilia, he actually had skills befitting his rank as a capable leader of Odessa's Caspian and Black Sea defense lines. Unlike those dead or captured, however, he had no immediately diagnosable mental problems… unless you count being dead sexy a mental illness.

"Why don't we start first with what won't work?" Crowley asked. She was seated next to Ramba Ral, as usual, and enjoying a cup of coffee.

"Asking nicely, asking forcefully, throwing ourselves to their feet and begging…" Lieutenant Commander Schmitzer growled.

"We don't really have prisoners of political and intelligence value comparable to both Lady Kycilia and Captain Garma, so that's out," Ramba noted.

"I know what won't work, us sitting around in this Tim Horton's acting like a bunch of pussies," Nimbus snapped from the table he was seated at adjacent to the other officers. Sophie Fran and Charlotte Hepner, the latter now a full-fledged Mobile Suit pilot, were in full agreement with Nimbus.

"Yes, it's obvious that words, negotiations, and politics aren't going to work. What we need is decisive action!" Charlotte declared.

Sophie nodded. "We should locate the Trojan Horse and launch a full scale attack."

Charlotte agreed. "A surprise attack from all sides!"

"From many different directions, and with different units," Sophie calmly added.

"And while we're launching this attack, General Revil will ram his Big Tray down our throats," Crowley said, reminding everyone of the some three-million man army building up in western Europe to plunge into Odessa.

"And it will be extra easy for him because Kycilia took half of Odessa's Mobile Forces with her to Cambodia and all that came back was a crying Frenchman and a brat who still somehow has a chip on his shoulder," Ramba added with a glare aimed Nimbus. "Now if anyone has a real idea, I'd like to hear it."

Sophie sighed. "If only we could capture one of the members of The Trojan Horse, then we could ransom them in turn."

"Oh yes, and it won't end exactly like it did last time we captured one them," Lieutenant Lou Roher immediately sniped.

Sophie's calm and matronly facade snapped, and she let out a bestial yell before slamming her fists onto the table. "THEN WHAT THE FUCK ARE WE SUPPOSED TO DO?!"

Nimbus grimaced at Sophie's vicious persona. He had seriously almost hit that.

Yuri smirked, he actually had hit that, but he _liked_ his women batshit insane in the sack.

Charlotte came to the rescue. "Well, hang on… we've learned a lot from the last time. Taking prisoners back to bases of high value? Out of the question, that's just asking for them to send a murder brigade after us with bomber support out of nowhere. What we need to do is exactly as The Trojan Horse does, stay constantly moving while sending mocking propaganda videos to the Federation."

Much as Schmitzer didn't like stooping to the Federation's level on this one, the reality was they were stooping to Zeon's, and no amount of denial or so-called honor would make that go away. "Well, it'd be a fine idea if we had members of The Trojan Horse to capture."

At that moment the doors opened and Amuro, Hayato, and Frau walked in. The three were dressed in civilian clothes, and Frau was even being respectful to the local culture with a modest dress and a headscarf. Frau was also holding a video camera filming their entry into the cafe… and complaining loudly.

"They have a Pizza Hut, twelve Subways, seven Burger Kings, eight Jack In the Boxes, two Dairy Queens, a Sonic and a _Swiss Chalet_, but there's not a single McDonald's in all of Iran?!"

"I can't believe she's getting bent out of shape over this…" Hayato muttered.

"They have a Chick-Fil-A! A _Chick-Fil-A!_ Why do they have a Chick-Fil-A?!"

Amuro shook his head. "I swear this country hasn't been the same since the Feds accidentally carpet-bombed Tehran twenty years ago. Well at least they have this Timmy Ho's."

"That's another thing-!" Frau began.

He stopped her when they noticed the stunned Zeon officers at their tables frozen, all wearing the same dumbfounded look on their faces. "Oh hey, it's you guys!"

Amuro turned around to the camera, before gesturing to the tables. "It's those Zeon guys we've been fighting. Let's say hello!"

He looked to Hayato as he and Frau headed over to the tables. "Get our coffees, okay?"

"Yeah, whatever," Hayato said as he walked over to the counter.

Trotting over, Amuro sat down next to Yuri at his table, as Frau sat down across from the two men and aimed the camera at them. "So, you're Rear Admiral Kellerne right?"

Yuri stared at Amuro, his eyes going up and down the kid as he tried to determine if this was real life or was it just fantasy.

Amuro took that completely the wrong way. "You're cute and I dig the whole shirtless under the dress coat thing but you're not my type, man."

He drummed his fingers on the table. "So what's up, guys?"

"Why are you here?" Yuri sputtered.

Nimbus was all but stone still, staring at Amuro and slowly reaching for his sidearm.

"Well Frau wanted some Mickey D's but it turns out there's every restaurant chain on Earth _but_ a McDonald's in Iran. Can you believe there's even a Chik-Fil-A."

Crowley couldn't help herself. "Oh, I've eaten there. It's quite good…"

"Lady Hamon…" Ramba growled.

_Just a little more, I cannot make any sudden movements,_ Nimbus thought.

Amuro looked to Ramba. "I never got a chance to say this due to people pointing guns at me and you, but I respect you as an opponent, you have a beautiful significant other right there, and I want to name one of my children after you."

_You're not going to even have the chance to breed you piece of shit; I'm going to shoot your balls right off. _Nimbus had no idea what he was dealing with, as his hand came even closer to his sidearm.

"I appreciate the compliment but you're still the enemy and this is war," Ramba pointed out.

Amuro waved it off. "Yeah I know, but I felt it had to be said before I killed most of you."

Nimbus almost had his hand on his gun, when Hayato removed it from the holster for him and pressed it against his back. "If you're going to do something, do it."

Schmitzer quick-drew his .44 Magnum to point at Hayato fast as an Ocelot. Hayato was faster than an Ocelot and shot the revolver from his hand with Nimbus's gun. Frau caught the errant revolver in her free hand, spun it, and pointed at Lou before he could get up from his chair and draw his own sidearm. Hayato then drew his own pistol, and pointed it at Sophie before she could get up, while placing the barrel of Nimbus's right up against the base of its owner's skull.

"Okay, I'll be the first to admit that that was the coolest thing I've ever seen," Yuri said in resignation.

"Yeah, pretty much," Lou said as he obeyed Frau's beckon to put his gun on the ground.

Sophie glared at Nimbus, as she too tossed her gun on the ground. "Way to fuck it up, Nimrod."

"Hey, why weren't you watching him sneaking up on me?!" Nimbus snapped at her.

Hayato explained the phenomenon himself, "Oh, that's because no one really pays attention to me in general. It helps to not stand out in a room full of colorful people, you know?"

"Yeah, he could've put a mag in each of you while you were gawking at me like idiots," Amuro said.

"You can't just be here for a gamely chat. What is your game?" Schmitzer growled.

"Can you believe it, we're here for some salt," Amuro replied.

Schmitzer squinted at Amuro. "Salt?!"

"Salt."

"Why salt?"

"Have you ever had French Fries without it? It's terrible."

Charlotte raised her hand. "Then why did you come to Noshahr? Couldn't you have just gone and picked some up at Garabogazköl? You know… the place on the Caspian Sea that's saltier than the actual ocean?"

Amuro looked over at Charlotte, and stared a bit blankly at her. He snapped out of it after three seconds of redhead-induced lust. "Excellent observation and knowledge of geography, but we figured we'd swing by Noshahr and cause as much mayhem as possible amongst Zeon Officers and VIPs while we were here."

Ramba rolled his eyes. "Mission accomplished, then."

"Oh we haven't even gotten started on that yet," Hayato lamented.

* * *

At Noshahr industrial harbor, a Zeon soldier was sitting back and smoking a cigarette as he made the most of one of the easiest guard details in all of Zeon held territory. Because of its lack of real strategic value as a resort, its location deep within Zeon territory, and all available forces being needed at Odessa thanks to Kycilia's misadventure, being stationed at Noshahr meant either you weren't cut for Odessa's defense or you had earned the break. There weren't even any Mobile Suits regularly stationed aside from a few old Zaku Is.

And there was nothing they could realistically do about what was about to happen.

A flatbed truck carrying what was certainly the Guncannon covered in a blue tarp, and towing behind it a trailer for stashing ill-gotten booty pulled up. The soldier, seeing it immediately stood up and halted the vehicle. "All right there Mac, what do you have under the tarp?"

Ryu leaned out the window. "The entire cast of Two and a Half Men."

The guard immediately pointed his rifle at the tarp. "The execution's been moved up?"

Ryu had just been joking but okay. "Yeah, Ashton Kutcher said something lewd about Dozle's wife, so he wants to break his neck himself."

"What did he say that was so bad?"

"He said that Lady Zenna loved the shit out of What Happens in Vegas."

The soldier stared. "Now that's not so bad-"

"And his penis."

The soldier turned and fired into the tarp. "FUCK YOU, ASHTON KUTCHER!"

Instead of the satisfying sound of bullets impacting the flesh of a Hollywood A-Lister, there was the alarming twang of bullets ricocheting off Lunar Titanium. The soldier blinked in confusion. "Huh?"

Much to his chagrin and increasing consternation, the Guncannon came to life then, sitting up on the flatbed before standing up and over the soldier, who dropped his gun as it looked down at him.

As he lifted the Guncannon's foot to stomp on the soldier, Kai offered some parting words, "He was good in That 70s Show, prick."

Back at the Tim Horton's.

* * *

"… And that's our hilarious plan to steal a bunch of salt from you guys," Amuro said as he finished detailing the parts of the plan where Ryu would drive up to the gates, make a joke at the expense of Ashton Kutcher, and then Kai would proceed to rape everything forever in his big red machine. "… Oh, and anything else of considerable technological, monetary, and sentimental value. On that note, your wallets, watches, priceless personal effects, and weapons, put them on the table please or Hayato starts shooting kneecaps."

"Really, you're robbing us, too?" Yuri asked.

Amuro nodded. "For serious. Hayato?"

Hayato shot Nimbus in the knee.

"OH SHIT MY FUCKING KNEE!"

"You got one left, stop being such a baby about it," Hayato said as Nimbus went down in front of him, howling in pain.

"I have to admit, I like your style," Yuri said as he handed his wristwatch and a gold necklace to Amuro, who put both on as Frau set down the camera to stuff the Zeon soldiers' wallets, phones, guns, and other valuables in the camera bag.

"Yeah, they all do. Except Char, since he be hating. Where is he by the way?" Amuro asked.

Yuri glared a bit. "Wouldn't you like to know?"

"Yes actually, and I will. Hayato?"

"Yes?"

"Shoot Miss Hamon in the knee."

Ramba quickly intervened before the boy could. "He went back into space, after Kycilia's capture! Dozle ordered him there."

"I guess it makes sense that we wouldn't find him here. Hayato?"

"Yes?"

"Don't shoot Miss Hamon in the knee."

Crowley looked to Ramba. "You should've let him-"

"And let you suffer like him?" Ramba gestured to Nimbus, quietly pleading with his cartilage to stay inside.

Amuro nodded. "He made the right call; those legs are amazing."

Frau finished putting on Schmitzer's holster and putting the last of his magnum rounds in her pocket. She then pointed the camera at herself and got all squinty-eyed at it. "Did I fire six shots, or only five?"

Reaching up, Amuro turned the camera back around to point at him and Yuri. "And this concludes our latest humiliation of Zeon's best and brightest dispatched against us. We at the Trojan Horse would like to thank all of our viewers and remind them to Like, Comment, and Subscribe to our channel. The ten best comments on this video at the end of the week get free Netflix for one year and playtime on Live with Clan Pegasus."

A tremendous explosion from the direction of the harbor cracked the windows of the Tim Horton's, and Amuro got up. "And that's our signal to leave. I hope Ryu and Kai don't mind their coffee being a little cold."

Cutting off the camera, Frau put it in the bag and prepared to follow them out, when she remembered. "Oh!"

She turned around and went back over to Ramba and Hamon. "Since none of us are allowed to actually do any drugs… I figured you'd want this back. It was real nice of you to give it to me then, so thanks for that."

She handed Ramba the bag of weed he gave her, before she turned and ran back out after the boys.

Ramba looked at the bag of weed for a long time, before he finally pulled out some rolling papers. "Well, does anybody want some before we have to face the horrifying reality of our situation?"

"Me."

"Me."

"Yes, dear."

"I do."

"Roll me up two."

"Yes."

"Uhhhhhrgh…"

"Don't be such a bitch, Schterzen."

Explosions, fire, mayhem, destruction on a vast scale… and for once it wasn't being caused directly by Amuro. The Guncannon waded through another yet warehouse as Zeon soldiers and harbor workers ran in droves from the red mobile suit. Emerging from the other side of the building, the Guncannon aimed its newly equipped weapons, a pair of spray missile launchers mounted in place of its 240mm Cannons.

"You know, I'm starting to understand how pyromaniacs work," Kai admitted as a barrage of missiles fell on several Zeon ships and submarines in harbor and unleashed their metal melting payload of Super Napalm.

"There's a Federation Mobile Suit in Noshahr! Why is there a Federation Mobile Suit in Noshahr?!" A Zeon soldier yelled before a wave of fire consumed him and dozens of other fleeing soldiers.

As the massacre went on, Ryu was calmly at work, loading the last pallets of salt onto the truck with a self-propelled pallet-jack.

"_Cat Partay~! Mew! Mew! Mew-!"_

Ryu pulled out his cellphone and answered it. "Yo?"

"Hey Big Pun, how's the heist going?" Amuro asked.

"I got the salt… and some other things." Loaded in the trailer were salt, caviar, paintings, Persian carpets, alcohol, and stacks and stacks of gold, platinum, and other valuable things.

"Awesome, we're gonna bring the Gunperry to you so sit tight okay?"

"Yeah no rush, I still got room for some loot."

"How's Kai doing?"

An explosion nearby was drowned out by Kai's mocking laughter. "He's got this."

Up to their waists in water, behind a burning ship, two Zaku Is were hiding. Rather, they were lying in wait for the rampaging Guncannon, which was incinerating a submerged submarine with a flamethrower mounted under its beam rifle's barrel.

"Hey dude," Pilot 1 called Pilot 2.

"Yeah, buddy?" Pilot 2 replied.

"I don't think fire's even supposed to work like that."

"Man, we're so screwed," Pilot 2 lamented as the escaping submarine exploded, taking out another nearby ship with it. "Why'd I even let you talk me into joining the Zeon?"

"Hey I didn't talk you into anything, I wanted to join and you followed me, dude!" Pilot 1 protested.

"You totally talked me into it, and like every other time it's blown up in our faces."

"Bullshit, when did it blow up in our faces last time?"

"Remember the pizzeria back when we were working for those other assholes? I told you my girlfriend had me on that new diet and everything but you talked me into walking a mile down the road and then what? You held the entire staff hostage for like two days!"

"Hey, I called ahead and it still wasn't ready when we got there."

"Then you signed us up for that stupid mountain operation. We got buried alive for two days by a rockslide, and then you started shooting survivors."

"It was just the one guy!"

"I wanted to just go home after that but then you were like, 'Don't worry dude, this next assignment's gonna be a cakewalk.' Then we got hit with a fucking UVARD."

"I still don't know what the fuck that's supposed to be."

By this point, Kai was setting the fire on fire because he had run out of things to burn.

"Point is, this is your fault, and now we're gonna die… but you know what buddy? I can't think of anyone I'd rather die alongside."

Pilot 1 stared at Pilot 2, and his Zaku I suddenly tightened its grip on its machine gun. "Dude… we're not gonna die here. We're gonna jump onto the shore, guns blazing, and we're gonna kick that Guncannon's ridiculous red ass."

Pilot 2 was quiet for a moment, before his Zaku I did the same. "You know what buddy? You're right! Let's go kick his ass."

"Hell yeah!" Pilot 1 cheered.

"Hell yeah!" Pilot 2 repeated.

Their monoeyes glowing, the two Zakus leaped over the burning boat and fell, guns blazing, upon the Guncannon as it turned to look up at them.

Fifteen minutes later, most of the beautiful port city of Noshahr was replaced by a brilliant sea of fire that could be seen from space. Aboard the Gunperry as it fled the sea of fire, Kai climbed out of the Guncannon, still laughing. "They jumped right into the missiles! It was too perfect!"

Amuro was looking out over Kai's handiwork from the back of the Gunperry's container. "You know Kai… I don't like you, but damn do I respect you."

"Damn right," Kai snapped back. "So what did you all do while we were having fun?"

"Oh, driving around town, pullin' random drive-bys on Zeon soldiers we saw on the street. We stopped to get you coffee, and you wouldn't believe who we ran into."

"Char?"

"I wish! It would've made it perfect. All his friends were there though, so we stuck 'em up. Hayato shot Nimrod in the knee before we left."

"Did he cry?"

"Like a little bitch."

Kai nodded his approval. "Speaking of my coffee, you got it how I like it, right?"

Amuro handed him his cup. "Just like you like your men, tall and black."

The two stared at one another and smirked.

Outside of Noshahr, among the civilians turned refugees cast from their homes by the ongoing firestorm, the Midnight Fenrir and Ramba Ral's unit stood in front of Ramba's current ship, a Gallop-class land battleship, watching the conflagration.

"This is what we're up against," Schmitzer said to Yuri, who was still puffing on his joint.

"God damn, how the hell are we supposed to beat these guys?"

"I don't even think we're able to…" Ramba admitted. "If we even want a chance to win this… we're going to need a miracle, and so far the Trojan Horse has the market cornered on them."

A distant howl that many had barely noticed soon became a tremendous roar of jet engines, overcoming the distant roar of the burning city. Hearing them, the Zeon soldiers gathered by the Gallop looked up, and one by one they grew wide-eyed in disbelief at what they saw.

* * *

The White Base was all but on the other side of the Caspian Sea, when the Gunperry returned to it, the shoreline well within sight of the ship. The important characters were gathered on the bridge, eating food with actual salt content for once, courtesy of Chef Tamura, who was back down in the galley due to a restored lack of importance.

"And then Frau caught the revolver out of midair and pointed it at a guy without even looking away from the shot," Amuro regaled to Garma and Icelina at the ship's CIC station. "And then Yuri declared it was the coolest thing he'd ever seen."

Garma smiled. "Thanks for not killing Yuri; he's actually a really nice guy."

"Convincible nice?" Amuro asked.

"Well the circumstances would have to be right. Some maniac would have to be willing to do something stupid and insane to get Yuri to turn over."

"Stupid and insane, huh? We've got loads of those guys."

"Not if a regular salt intake has anything to say about it," Bright snapped. "Now eat your damn fries."

"Yes Daddy."

As Amuro dug into his fries, Kycilia chuckled to Bright. "It's not a candlelit dinner in your quarters, but dinner with you is nevertheless interesting, Captain Bright."

Bright smiled. "Wait until you have breakfast."

"I hope that was an invitation."

Garma rolled his eyes. "Oh my God, will you two just go and fuck already?!"

"Can it wait? I'm still on my shift," Mirai requested.

Bright nodded. "I guess we are laying the banter a little thick." He got serious. "Kycilia, what are the exact numbers waiting at Odessa?"

Kycilia got serious too. "Just under a million troops, including reserves. 3500 ground combat vehicles, thirteen land battleships, 1400 aircraft, and about a hundred mobile suits."

Garma nodded assent. "Those are actually higher than the numbers the spooks in Jaburo counted. Except for the MS numbers, that is."

"Well, we did have two hundred Mobile Suits, but a funny thing happened on the way to Cambodia…"

Bright nodded. "Right, that. So Kycilia, that leaves me to wonder… have you any surprises waiting for the Federation or for us at Odessa?"

Kycilia shook her head. "Gihren and Dozle both believe the war will be decided in space so they granted Odessa next to nothing in terms of reinforcements, especially after Garma was captured. We've been emphasizing moving as much as we could to Side 3 before the sleeping giant finally rolled out of bed and right on top of us."

"That's about right," Bright concurred.

"So our role in the operation goes unchanged, then?" Amuro asked.

Bright nodded. "That's right. We approach Odessa from the rear while the Federation spreads the Zeon's lines over a broad front. Once we punch through the rear, it should be like making baby from a candy."

Kycilia then remembered something that residual ketamine had blocked. "Captain, are you familiar with General Elran."

"Huh? He's one of Revil's good ol' boys. Nice guy, real family-oriented type-"

"Well yes, but he's working with the Zeon and intends to hold his forces back on Odessa Day so our forces can flank and take Revil's units by surprise."

There was a momentary pause on the bridge before Bright put on a broad, very agitated smile. "Really, now?"

Before Kycilia could go into greater detail, Marker spoke up. "Hey A Wizard Named Slickback, we got a single contact coming this way fast from the direction of Noshahr and–oh that's not normal."

Bright looked up at Marker. "What's up?"

"It's not a Zeon IFF, or Federation. The ID is just 'Fuck You' over and over."

Bright slowly looked from Marker to the radar screen. "That must be Char."

"ETA?" Garma asked as the dot representing Char closed in uncomfortably fast, faster than a Dopp in fact.

"About five minutes."

Garma looked towards the White Base's team of pilots, and they were already bolting for the bridge's exit like blurs. He then got up out of his seat, and ran after them.

"ETA four minutes…"

Diving for the coast, the White Base leveled off close to the Caspian shoreline as its catapults opened.

"Three minutes…"

Eschewing flight suits due to scramble, Amuro, Kai, Garma, and Hayato jumped into their cockpits and got ready to launch.

"Two minutes…"

The Gundam and Guncannon rocketed out of the ship, and landed on the sands. Right behind them landed Hayato in the Zaku, and Garma in the newly repaired Gouf Custom.

"One minute…"

Bright rolled his eyes. "If you're done dramatically counting down, Marker, mind identifying what the hell Char is in that's coming towards us so fast?"

"It's-"

A yellow beam of light shot down from the sky above and lanced clean through the White Base's left engine block as if it wasn't there. The brilliant explosion of three of the four engines of the left engine block deciding they had enough for the day followed and the ship lurched to port. A second beam shortly followed, taking out the right engine block completely.

"What in the hell?!" Bright yelled.

Kycilia was equally surprised. "What in the hell?!"

"What in the hell?!" Amuro shouted from the ground.

"Well shit." Even Kai was afraid.

Following the path of the beam, Garma looked to the sky as a horrified realization dawned on him. "That was a beam rifle… which means…" His eyes grew wide when he saw Char's new ride. "Are you fucking kidding me."

Plunging out of the afternoon sky, a trail of condensation left by its thermonuclear jet engines, a salmon pink Gouf Flight Type with a backpack that resembled the main body of a Dopp hurtled in a dive towards them, its red monoeye shining brightly as it aimed a long, scoped beam rifle down at the Gundam.

Inside the cockpit of his Gouf Flight Type, Char gave a tense grin. "Here Comes Char!"

He opened fire on Amuro, who jumped back from the beam shot. "Nope!"

Taking aim, Amuro fired up at the Gouf, which suddenly changed direction to avoid the shot. It was then that he realized that Char now had the freedom of three dimensions just like in space. "Oh man, not this shit again."

The Gouf Flight Type was in front of the Gundam, kicking it in the face and onto its back. "God damn it!"

Kai aimed the Spray Missile launchers at Char's machine and opened fire, filling the immediate spacetime in front of him with super-napalm laden death. Moving like a salmon blur from side to side, the Gouf kindly said fuck you to Kai's attack before disappearing completely from the path of it.

Not slouching, Kai looked around quickly for his target. "Okay, I'll give him this. That was kind of cool-!"

"OH SHIT!" Hayato yelled as his Zaku II lost both its arms and head to the Gouf Flight Type.

"Really, you didn't even do anything you useless-!" A narrow heat cable, identical to the Gouf Custom's, struck the Guncannon, interrupting Kai. "Hey, don't you remember? Shock absorb-BIRIBIRIBIRIBIRIBIRIBIRI!"

The Gouf Flight Type's electrical shock far surpassed the standard and custom models in effectiveness, overloading the shock absorbers and shutting the Guncannon down. Recalling the wire, Char chuckled.

"This is no Gouf, bitch! No Gouf!" Before Char could cap it with a laugh, he heard a ringing and spun and flipped about in the air to avoid the tracers from the shield gatling of Garma's Gouf Custom. When Char stopped dancing and fired on the other Gouf, Garma had jumped clear of the beam rifle shot. Spinning the other way, Char fired again, and Garma dodged.

_This is the worst. I can't hit Char like this!_ Garma was tense as the Gouf Flight Type bore down on him in a rapidly increasing spin. "Ah shit-!"

Garma opened fire, but Char barrel-rolled around the tracers before landing behind the Gouf Custom. Garma looked back even as the impulses were flying from his brain to act.

"Garma, is that you in there?" Char asked as his Gouf Flight Type began to spin around.

Everything after that went so fast, Garma wasn't even sure how he survived the uppercut from the heat sword that the Gouf Flight Type carried. Or at least he thought it was a heat sword, it wasn't glowing red like a…

He instinctively raised his shield Gatling to block the sword, and watched in dismay as the blade cleaved through the shield and arm of the Gouf Custom with the ease of a beam saber, the edges of both halves red hot. "… Oh… it's a High Frequency blade."

As the two halves fell away, Garma saw the Gouf Flight Type's eye flash as it raised the sword. The eye then swiveled to the left and Char jumped back from a beam rifle shot that passed between the two Goufs.

"Hey Char, what I'm about to say will make you forget about everything else here and come after me!" Amuro taunted.

Char smirked. "I was about to come after you anyway, but okay. Try me."

Amuro grinned. "I fucked your sister!"

Char's expression went blank.

"Oh I'm sorry I was using the wrong tense. I fuck your sister. Daily. She loves it."

Garma had to hand it to Amuro, for an amoral maniac he certainly knew how to make the most of his assets to ensure the survival of his teammates. He looked to Kai. "Damn it, Shiden you had better not be dead!"

As Char kicked the Gundam back a hundred meters, the Guncannon was already getting up. "I'm-zzt-fine. I'm ju-zzt trip-zzt-ping ball-zzt right now-zzt."

"Is your radio okay?"

"What? My radi-zzt-o i-zzt fine-zzt." Kai said. "Why-zzt?"

Garma looked as Char kept kicking the Gundam while it defended with its shield. "No reason. We gotta counterattack!"

"We already did that joke," Mirai quipped.

"Not now, Yashima!" Garma barked.

Underneath the barrage of bicycle kicks, Amuro endured before the Gouf performed a double stomp on the Gundam's shield. Bracing himself, he shoved the Gouf into the air. "New MS, still the same easy to tweak bitch!"

"You're just trying to kill yourself, aren't you?!"

"Do I have to put it in writing?!" Amuro asked before he dodged another beam rifle shot.

"You are a whole new level of stupid!" Char fired several more times, Amuro dodging each time, before he got in close, fast.

"Ah but who is stupider…?" Amuro pointed the beam rifle at the Gouf Flight Type's chest. "The person trying to kill himself or the person who just left himself wide open to an attack by the person pretending to kill himself?"

He fired the beam rifle at point blank, and under every other known circumstance he would've gotten the kill. However, today he was up against Char who was in the mood to go all out.

The beam was so close it left a scorch mark on its side; the Gouf Flight Type went to Amuro's right and into a baseball slide behind it. Looking back, Amuro gave a start when the heat cable suddenly locked onto the Gundam's back. The line going taut, the Gouf Flight Type winched itself in at high speed with thruster assist, and shoulder-barged the Gundam into the Caspian surf.

"Holy fucking shit!" Kai yelped.

"Five battleships at Loum! Does that not mean anything to you at all?!" Garma asked, before the Gouf Flight Type's monoeye swiveled onto them. "Ah… fuck."

Kai targeted the Gouf Flight Type with his beam rifle, but the MS was already racing straight up into the sky. "Shit, move faster you piece of shit!"

Obediently, Char easily dodged Kai's beam fire before diving straight down for the Guncannon from above. Seeing the flash of steel, Kai unleashed a blast of super napalm from the underbarrel flamethrower at the Gouf Flight Type. It missed, before Kai was kicked in the back, and then in the side. Char kept moving, hitting him from different directions and angles faster and faster, before he finished the Guncannon off with a kick that lifted it off the ground and sliced off its head and both its spray missile pods.

Another kick sent the Guncannon crashing into the Gouf Custom, before the Gouf Flight Type landed in the sand.

"Now… about you fucking my sister…" Char trailed off as the Gundam rose from the crashing surf, its eyes glowing as it tossed aside the damaged beam rifle and drew a beam saber. Putting away his own beam rifle, Char readied his wicked little sword, smirking as the air wavering around it from the high speed vibrations.

"I'm not even mad."

The Gundam and Gouf Flight Type charged one another, the Gundam advancing with its shield held in front of it as the Gouf Flight Type raised its sword. At the last moment, the Gundam shoved its shield forward and the Gouf Flight Type sliced clean through it.

The Gundam was gone, but Char wasn't worried.

"While we're on the subject of family…!" Char suddenly turned and slashed horizontally, barely missing the Gundam as it ducked low and thrust for his cockpit. Missing his stab, Amuro tried to slice through the Gouf Flight Type, but Char leaped and spun over the Gundam to kick it in the back and face down into the sand.

"This Gouf was a personally built and fine-tuned present to me from your father, Tem Ray. He calls it 'The Humbler' and I think it's a pretty spot on nickname!"

Shaking his head from being knocked around in the cockpit, Amuro glanced back at Char. "So… no wonder you're kicking my ass now. You ran to my Dad to help."

"You are a genetic monstrosity forged by that man and piloting a machine created by him from start to finish. I feel no shame."

Amuro nodded. "That's a fair point."

"Now then, I could carry on with you at length at how great your Dad is for seeing the need for you to be put in your place, but I can fly and you can't. So I'm going to go trash your ship. Bye~!" With that, the Gouf Flight Type shot off into the sky and towards the White Base, which had just leveled off and was now bristling with anti-air defenses.

"So our MS Team just got frog-stomped and the stomper's heading our way," Oscar reported.

Kycilia looked in Bright's direction. "I hope you have a way out of this."

"Only one really." Bright looked to Sayla. "Patch me through to him."

Char had redrawn his beam rifle and was ready to launch his attack run, when Bright radioed him. "Char, you kicked my bitches around and you must be happy about that but I'm warning you: keep attacking the ship and you're going to have a bad time."

Being directly called by Bright momentarily took Char off guard. "Bright Noa?"

"I'm serious. Shoot at my ship again and you will not leave happy," Bright warned as Mirai turned the White Base away from Char, its smoking engines creating a dense pall of smoke between it and the Gouf Flight Type.

"Are you seriously trying to intimidate me _now?"_ Char asked.

"Not really, just wasting your sweet time." With that several salvoes of beams pierced the smoke billowing from the White Base, forcing Char to choose between being a prick and being a dead prick.

Char chose wisely and dodged. "What?"

"Sorry we took so long getting our flight suits on and shit," Ryu said as two aircraft best described as a pair of Core Fighters attacked to a sleek, beam-cannon armed fighter jet smoke and straight for the Gouf Flight Type.

"But now that we're here, let's show Char who really owns the sky!" Frau called from the second Core Booster fighter.

Char regained his composure. "Fighter jets, that's your big trump card?" He aimed his beam rifle at them. "Sorry to disappoint-"

Before he could shoot, both fighters suddenly blurred and vanished from his sights like he was known to do to Amuro. "The shit?"

Alarms only started beeping before Char narrowly dodged a pair of beams from Ryu's Core Booster, the fighter diving at him from above. Spinning to the side to dodge several more, Char aimed up and fired at Ryu, his trio of beams each missing the fighter by less than a foot as the Core Booster did a barrel to avoid them.

Dashing to the side to avoid a collision, Char fired down at the passing Core Fighter, and missed again as it pulled out of its dive and skimmed the ground to kick up a cloud of sand up behind it. Before Char could get a lead his target, he was suddenly attacked by missiles from Frau's Core Booster, and raced off into the sky to avoid the barrage of heatseekers.

It turned out that the Gouf Flight Type's tremendously powerful engines gave of tremendous amounts of heat that the missiles hungered for even through the Minovsky interference. Spiraling and turning rapidly through the air, Char did his very best to dodge the missiles and their explosions as they got close, between using carefully timed beam rifle shots to shoot down those he couldn't dodge.

"Okay… did not… expect… this…!" Char admitted before he dodged even more beams from Frau's pursuing Core Booster. Turning around, he charged straight for the Core Booster, and swung the HF Blade for its left wing. "Gotcha bi-!"

The Core Booster snap-rolled away from the sword and around the sword, easily avoiding the slash and leaving Char open and in Ryu's sights. Dodging his beams by an even narrower margin than Ryu had dodged his, Char turned and fired on the attacking Core Booster, only to miss his shots as the ace fighter pilot banked away from the beams.

A low minovsky particle count alerted Char; his Beam Rifle had no more shots. "Really?!"

More beams, this time from Frau, forced him even harder on the defensive, before he shoved himself clear of the Core Booster. "You know what? I'm starting to get a little pissed off!"

Turning around almost on a dime, Frau huffed as the G-Forces slammed her into her seat before she pointed her nose straight for Char. "You're 74 years too early if you think you can bring a Mobile Suit to a dogfight!"

Char readied the HF Blade as the Core Booster closed in. "And you're a raging idiot if you're going to bring a fighter jet to a sword fight!"

"Oh, I got that covered!" Frau shouted back as hatches on the Core Booster's back, belly, and sides opened up and ignited a total of four very large beam sabers.

Char naturally reacted to this surprise with understandable alarm. "The fuck is this?!"

Laughing maniacally Frau went into a spin towards the wide-eyed Red Comet, becoming a giant whirling rotor of pink death.

Turning away, Char fled from the spinning Core Booster until the last second, where he doubled back and barely passed in the gap between two of the sabers thanks to every ounce of his nerve and concentration. "The fuck was that?!"

Free of Frau, he narrowly avoided a shower of beams and missiles from Ryu… before a much larger barrage of missiles from the White Base began to converge on him.

Seeing the missiles, and Frau beginning to come back around, Char shook his head. "They've adapted this fast to this machine… are they Newtypes or something?"

"Sounds like you're having a bad time out there Char," Bright observed.

Char rolled his eyes. "You know what-?"

Bright pointed fabulously at the Gouf. "The next thing you're going to say is 'Fuck you, I'm leaving'."

Char growled. "… Fuck you, I'm leaving!" He stopped for a moment, groaned, and then abruptly turned and redlined the engines, sending the Gouf Flight Type blasting away from the converging missiles and the pursuing Core Boosters.

Ryu whistled as he watched the Gouf turned rocket flee for the horizon. "Damn, what the hell was that thing?"

"The Humbler," Amuro said as the Gundam hauled itself to its feet. "My Dad made it for Char."

"Oh shit, jefe…" No wonder it kicked their asses.

"So…" Frau Bow began.

"Yes?" Bright asked.

"Can I go after him?"

Much as he'd happily let her… "I'm gonna go with no, we have ourselves a problem."

"What's that?" Amuro asked.

Bright sighed. "BRB, crashing."

With a rumble of metal gouging through the Earth and trees toppling over, the White Base came crashing to the ground… its engines shot and its Minovsky Craft system unable to pick up the slack anymore.

* * *

A/N: Oh snap, cliffhanger- *The door is kicked down* The shit?!

Purpleeyeswtf: HAAAAAAAAAAAAACK!

OH SHI- ***DEAD***


End file.
